Anorexia return?

[angelfriend87]

Hi,

Im 21 and have a 3 and 1/2 bubba girl. I have been in and out of hospitals and clinics for the past 6 years due to an eating disorder. I am now in recovery and doing really well. I want to lose weight though. It doesnt help that the hospital is now saying to lose 10kg as well. I feel i cant win. is there no balance? i really dont feel strong enough to do this on my own incase it turns into a full blown ed again. i dont know what to do. any suggestions would be great.

[SassyMummy]

I think the worst part of trying to lose weight having previously starved yourself, is that the result will be achieved so slowly.

Nobody wants that - and you'll know that to see results, going back to your old ways will be easier. I understand this as I want to lose weight now... earlier this year I lost 27kg starving myself, and when that failed, purging up whatever little food I did consume.

Those 27kg were lost in about 3-4 months. You can't lose that much weight that quickly eating healthily. You just can't.

It's so hard, because I know that if I attempt to eat better in order to lose weight, I'll get sick of eating healthily and seeing SLOW results, if any at all... and I'm afraid I'll either starve myself or start purging again.

I'm very lucky that I'm living in a situation which makes either difficult.

I have my meals provided for me, meaning that any dinner I do not eat will be noticed. I could probably avoid snacks and lunch (I don't eat breakfast)... but it would be noticed too, eventually, and especially if I start losing weight.

I can't throw up, because the toilet is in an area near everyone else (not down some hallway), and it echos due to a high ceiling... everyone could hear.

Okay, so I'd do it in the shower... like I used to. The sound of the shower blocks out the sound of me inducing vomitting. Thing is, I shower with my boyfriend, and either in the early morning or late at night when I am alone... it would be noticed if I ran off immediately after a meal to shower each night.

I've also told my bf about the fact that I did this. The other day, when I'd been thinking about purging or starving all week, trying desperately not to do it again, I got the courage to tell him exactly how I managed to purge without anyone knowing. I explained it to him, because I wanted him to know in case I started again, so it wouldn't be a secret.

It being secret is what makes it work. As soon as others find out, it's so much more difficult.

I'm maintaining my weight now... but I'm pretty much living on junk food. I figure it's the only way I can keep myself from starving. Because I enjoy the taste.

Mind you, I went from overreating and binge eating, to starving and purging, so I have all sorts of eating issues from all sides... not just one which involves me getting thinner, but also one that involves me getting fatter.

I think it'll pop its head back up from time to time. I threw up recently at a hens night. I had eaten a lot (well, kinda. I felt like it, but I'm pretty sure I didn't actually eat THAT much), and was feeling ill. I had also had a bit to drink and worried that if I didn't intentionally purge, then I'd do it accidentally, infront of everyone.

So I went and did it.

I'm not lying when I say my reasons for doing it... but it felt good. I mean, it was gross and my eyes got all watery and disgusting... but it was so effortless and I thought to myself, "It's not that bad - you can do this! Go back to it. Stop being fat, and do this. It works. You have PROOF of it."

My mind was saying all sorts of cr*p to me.

And I've been back on food and eating normally for 5 months... and then I go do that. That was early November.

Ignore the advice to lose 10kg. For now. Being told you're too fat is not something you need to hear. I suspect you aren't even fat at all.

Ignore it, and focus on something OTHER than yourself. Put yourself in situations where you HAVE to eat. Where people will notice if you don't. Organise get-togethers at restaurants. Even though you'll likely order something cr*p and pick at it (I did), it's better than eating nothing at all.

And when you DO have a moment of strength - warn someone you trust. Tell them how you do it, so they can see the warning signs and help you if it gets to that. Make sure it's someone you'll see regularly.

That's my advice anyway. I dunno if it works, but it's working for me so far.

I'm far too proud to have people find out I'm doing this (other than my bf and people here on BH). I need it to be secretive for it to work. So the best way to "sabotage" it for myself, is to make sure it's not all that secretive.

[Myztik]

I have fought with eating disorders since the age of 14. I cant believe the hospital is telling you to lose weight :no: I think you should ask them to hook you up with a dietician so you guys can work out meal plans etc. You still have that element of control over what your putting into your body but in a healthy way iykwim.

I've found the best thing I ever did was to ban bathroom scales from my house. If I cant weigh myself I dont worry as much.. It's weird.

[Mahjong]

I was about to say the same thing as Myztik. See if they can point you towards a dietician. They teah healthy living for your entire life.

I cannot believe that given your history, they are telling you to loose weight :mad:

[angelfriend87]

:) I just want to say THANKYOU! for all the replies. I appreciate all of them.

I found it very difficult to find info on ed's in anyone older than about 19. All info seems to be focused on teens. I know I am only 21 but I dont class my self as having the same lifestyle and opitions as teens would have for recovery...if that makes sense.

I am still in shock that the hospital has said it to me. I asked for a dietician, she said she would get me one but apparantly the shortage of staff etc at our hosital now only allows people with diabetes and a few other things to access a dietician. :no:

I am just trying to ignore the urges and fight them when they do get to strong.

I just have to keep remembering that I have had my daughter taken from me before because of my ed and I refuse to let it happen again.

Its so hard when there are so many pills I could be getting to lose the weight. Especially one that makes you lose at least 2kg a week. Thank goodness its a script and hopefully not that known to people.

I have managed to stay clear of websites that promote eds which i think is a good start.

I dont know how to tell my psych as i havent been on meds for about 3 months now...

anyway. ill stop jibbering.

thanks so much for the :hugs: and advice.

Im off to have some soup.......:(

[NibbleCurlynBub]

Perhaps you could focus on the exercise part of it, which is what healthy weight loss is all about, combined with what someone said before about seeing a dietician to plan healthy meals that will make you feel good about it. :yes:

Can you try going to your GP and asking for a dietician from there, saying that the hospital can't help you and has actually advised you to lose weight (a stupid thing to do, where on earth do some people come from?) and see if that might work.

[angelfriend87]

I've found the best thing I ever did was to ban bathroom scales from my house. If I cant weigh myself I dont worry as much.. It's weird.[/quote]


Thats what I did and it has helped alot! :thumbsup:

[Myztik]

Maybe have a look at this website. It's for people with eating disorders and is Australian. Might be some info on there.

The Butterfly Foundation (http://www.thebutterflyfoundation.org.au/)

[angelfriend87]

:yes: I am currently getting funding from them to see my psychologist. They are wonderful! :thumbsup:

I am also going to see my GP and work out some way to see a dietician.

:hugs:

[angelfriend87]

I would love to be able to talk to someone in a supportive way through msn or email. :)

[Myztik]

I dont often get on MSN but feel free to PM me on here if you like :)

I'll be on and off here all day though as I am in the middle of bathroom renovations and just had a heap of bricky sand tipped onto my driveway :rolleyes: have to go shovel it all into a wheel barrow now yay..

[angelfriend87]

:no: I have shared care of my daughter and i now dont have her til Friday...

I am so tempted to starve....

I havent eaten much for last 2 days. :thumbsdown:

I dont know what to do :(

[mini munchkin]

Big hugs to you :)

I am not in the same situation as you, but I just wanted to give you so added support.

Hope you can find something to eat, you can do this, for you and for your DD.

Mich xxx

[MimiGrace]

Hi,
I don't suffer from an eating disorder, but i think i've been borderline for a few years, so if you want to talk you can pm me & i'll give you my email address and you can talk to me on msn (i'm on most days...no kids to distract me :rolleyes:).

I'm sorry you feel like that though! i'm sure your actually beautiful, but i understand that our minds can be hazardous, quite mean places. :hugs:

[SassyMummy]

It's so easy when nobody can see what you eat/don't eat isn't it?

It was easy for me before - I started just before I broke up with DD's father... he was a chef, so never around for meals... meaning I could easily lie about what I'd eaten/not eaten. Not that he'd care... but I knew that if he did, he wouldn't have known, and I could easily continue.

It was harder when I went to WA with him (after we had split up, but we were going to his sisters wedding that we'd planned to go to BEFORE the split... so nobody knew we weren't actually together until afterwards)... and I HAD to eat at least a bit, because I had people in my face all day long.

Then I lived with my mother and brother and DD after I left the ex... Mum doesn't eat much (she just naturally hardly does), and doesn't cook meals, so it was up to me to buy and prepare every meal I ate.

When she started getting suss on me not eating, I just cooked food and either threw it out (hidden in a plastic bag and hidden in the bin so she couldn't see it), or chewed it up and spat it out and then threw it away.

My brother kinda noticed, told me I was being an idiot, but didn't care otherwise.

I could easily get away with it because nobody was really monitoring me... I didn't have to sit down to a family meal or anything, so I could easily fake it.

I'm not really sure how you can go about making it hard for you to starve yourself... perhaps even if you just eat apples or something. Apples are a calorie negative food... so are many other veges and stuff, like celery. You'll at least get SOMETHING into you.

Some days, my food for the day was sticking my finger in the vegemite jar and licking it off. Just once. That was it.

I would drink lots of water, or sugarfree cordial and soft drinks. Nothing else really.

Can you, while you're having a "strong" moment, invite yourself over to someone elses' for dinner, of invite them to yours? Because you KNOW you'll have to eat that way.

You'll not want to, but if you put the plan in motion while you're feeling a bit strong, you'll be more likely TO actually go through with it. At least I would have been.

[angelfriend87]

:D I am feeling MUCH stronger.

I dont have any friends I can invite for tea as the friends I do have are getting married this week or are very pregnant lol I need friends...

[angelfriend87]

:( Things with food aren't so good.

I am now delibrately starving....

I've tried to tell myself I am just busy etc but I shouldn't lie to myself.

I have gone down a size in roughly 3 weeks, close to 4 weeks now...I think.

I am a size 12 now so no dramas about being underweight...yet.

I thought I had beaten this.

Ana (Anorexia) wants me back, maybe it never left? Maybe it never leaves?

I am currently drastically searching the net for a way to ger this certain weight loss tablet that is only on a script.

I know things are turning bad quickly...

I don't know what to do.

:confused::confused::confused::confused:

[Mahjong]

Please speak to a counsellor Angelfriend, even though you are not under weight, you still have an illness taking back over.

Please do this, your eating disorder is rearing it's head more and more, 4 weeks of starving is not healthy.

[angelfriend87]

I see my psychiatrist on Tuesday but I can't tell her. I can't.

Long story short is there is a current court case regarding care of my daughter and my psychiatrist is on call for reports regulary and I won't give her anything to say about me that could make things worse.

I don't know.

I do know I should tell but I can't.

I guess that is why i wrote on here. To vent. To hope my magic fairy sees and changes things. I don't know.....

[Mahjong]

Wow, that is horrible Angelfriend. You are desperately needing help and they are using this against you :no: Wrong Wrong Wrong :mad:

Do you have any close family/friends to suport you through this?

[angelfriend87]

:( I replied and it froze. Stupid computers....

I have my Mum. She'd be so dissapointed though.

I only have one close friend here, she is a Bubhubber as well. It wouldn't be fair to taint our friendship with this. :no:

I'm not sure.

I'm about to call Kids helpline to see if they can help at all, as I am 21 and I think I can still call...no idea.

Other than that, I have a brick wall in my room? lol

I shouldn't laugh....:no:

I appreciate your replies tonight! :hugs: Thankyou. :flowerz:

[Pax]

i overcame anorexia by realising why i starved myself.

the reason i did that was because i felt, in this chaotic world, it was the ONLY thing i could control.

it was all about control for me. by starving myself i felt a bit more empowered.

i realised that nothing can truely be controlled and when you try to control something it often ends up controlling you.

being a spiritual person i prayed and i often repeated the serenity prayer.

it helped me overcome it.

:hugs:

[JJAZ]

Angelfriend, How are you going? You havent posted for awhile - have been following your story, I can really feel for you as i have stuggled with an eating disorder for many many years.

Hope you are fighting strong...

[Langgymummy]

I have fought with eating disorders since the age of 14. I cant believe the hospital is telling you to lose weight :no: I think you should ask them to hook you up with a dietician so you guys can work out meal plans etc. You still have that element of control over what your putting into your body but in a healthy way iykwim.

I've found the best thing I ever did was to ban bathroom scales from my house. If I cant weigh myself I dont worry as much.. It's weird.

Ditto!

I have suffered in and out of an eating disorders and depression since I was 12, now I'm 26 and I feel like I'm back a square 1, I have 3 beautiful boys but I just seem to get a grip on my weight. I though out the scales last week and my Dh cracked it "They were $50 scales" he dosn't understand though! I weigh now 45Kgs and an soo scraed that its going to get lower. I feel like im at this point where I feel constently blue and can't cope with anything, even the thought of getting out of my PJ's stress me out not to mention playing with my kids I would rather sit in another room and sit with them.

If anyone has any ideas that could help make life eaiser I would love to hear them!