Big mistake

[Stupid mistake]

I need advice & support from people have been in similar situations to me :(

I am married with 2 kids & have just found out i'm pregnant again :crying: I never wanted 3 children, I have no desire to keep this baby but am so worried about other peoples reactions. Yes it was a stupid mistake, I am still breastfeeding, have only had 1AF since the birth & now this. I'm about 7.5 weeks.

I've been thinking about this for a few days now, weighing up the pro's and con's & I just can't come up with 1 pro. They all have con's attached. I don't know if its just because i'm in shock, but I don't want this child, I feel no attachment or love for it. I already resent it for making me feel sick, reducing my milk supply etc.

My husband is not happy about it either. He was supposed to get a vasectomy months ago but put it off for various reasons :mad: I kept telling him I didn't want to risk falling pregnant so didn't want to dtd but gave into his whinging & now have to make a terrible decision that no-one should have to do. We know that we could manage with the 3 but we never EVER wanted 3. We were more than happy with 2. That & I don't cope with pregnancy very well & am in a lot of pain, can't walk unaided etc with pelvic pain.

So I'm posting here, to get some support, as I said, from people who have been there.

I have already booked the termination, just not sure if I can go through with it, but at the same time, I don't want to have a child I don't want, that I never wanted & resent it.

TIA

[jaq]

I haven't been there, so please forgive my intrusion.

I just wanted to say that you seem confident you have made the right decision re termination, and that your primary problems seem to be a) what people will think and b) how you will feel longer term.

A) should never be a factor. They don't live your life, your consequences etc, so ignore any feelings on this front other than yourself and your husband. Keep it secret if you have to.

B) I would be seeking counselling to help you move through this long term. Its a very emotionally laden decision, and you need help to deal with your emotions on this front - own them, and move on. Hopefully someone else will be able to offer you some concrete help, ie names of groups that can offer supportive, positive counselling on this front.

Also, while you might be annoyed at your husband for putting you in this position, try to put that aside and share your feelings with him. He will be feeling angry at himself too - forgive each other, and take support from each other.

:hugs::hugs: to you both in such a difficult time.

[Seacretsquirrel]

:iagree: with Jaq (you saidl exactly what I wanted to say) you have to do the right thing for you and your family. I haven't been through it either but wanted to lend some support and send you some :hugs:

[MimiGrace]

:hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs:

I think from what you've written that your whole family will suffer if you follow through with the pregnancy. And as horrible as it must be for you to be in this situation, i cannot imagine that bringing another child into the world now will be at all a good idea.

It sounds like you actually have decided and your just looking for reassurance, which you get from me!
i would hate to think of you going through with a pregnancy you don't want, and ending up with a child that grows up knowing it is not, and never was wanted! and even if you adopted it out, you still have to go through with a pregnancy, KNOWING in advance (since you have gone through it before) that you don't handle pregnancy well! And i am sure that having that in your mind would make the pregnancy even worse than the ones you wanted.

I am sorry that your in this situation though, it must be horrible for you!:( I hope that if you go through with a termination, you find a really good councellor would can make sure that can come to terms with it fully (before and after)!

[A Party of Five]

Big hugs sweetie :hugs:

[cassie0011]

i was sorta in the same boat as u. i am also married with 2 kids and fell preg when my 2nd was only 5 months old. we were both shocked. and didnt know what to do. we also weighed up the pro's and cons and we decided to do a termination. we did want to keep it but it was just to close for us and we didnt have the room for it. i had the termination 2 and a half weeks ago and i dont regret it, it was the best choice for our family and didnt want my other kids to suffer cause we couldnt cope. good luck with ur decision.

[sansha]

I have been fortunate to avoid this situation but I would definitely have a termination should I find myself with an unwanted pregnancy. My mother had two earlier in her life and has never regretted her decision.

From what you have said, a termination sounds like a sensible option but, whatever you choose, I hope you are able to find peace with your decision.

[SassyMummy]

I've not had a termination, but have copped a bit of flak here because I will openly and unashamedly admit that were I to fall pregnant now, I'd seriously consider a termination.

It's nobody elses business. The baby will not change their life. It will not grow in their body, it will not be born from their body, it will not live in their family...etc etc.

You have the right to make whatever choice you feel is best for you, your family and your current situation.

If other people have comments on it - so what? I mean really, does it REALLY alter the course of their lives? Chances are, no. It will change yours though, and from the sounds of it, it doesn't sound like it will be for the better.

Don't feel bad for not buying into the "every baby's a blessing," line. Some babies aren't for some families. It might not sound like a nice thing to say, but it sure as hell beats telling women they should feel grateful for their pregnancies, even when unwanted and unplanned, and making them feel like cr*p for not being over the moon with joy.

If you need a termination, then that is your decision. There would be consequences to either option... it's obviously not an easy choice.

My advice would be to not tell anyone. People will judge, and make nasty comments either to your face or behind your back (the latter would probably be more likely).

It's not something every man and his dog needs to know - so don't share unless you feel confident and comfortable enough to do so.

Best of luck, whatever your choice.

[Mischief]

Hi there.

What a hard decision for you to have to make.

Firstly - I think that worrying what OTHER people think is immaterial at this point. Its your life not theirs. This sounds like its a huge shock to you, and you are struggling to come to terms with what has happened.

Secondly - You need to think about yourself , not others. How will you feel if you terminate this pregnancy? Will you regret it forever and always feel like something is missing? Or will you regret having another child more.

Sounds to me like you are a loving mummy. Any child would be loved, even if it wasnt planned. Alot of people dont bond in pregnancy. I have to admit that during my second pregnancy there were many times when I felt so totally lost. I even ended up on antidepressants again.

The moment my baby was born though, there was a huge surge of love, and I have not regreted for a moment since then. During pregnancy (and this bub was planned) I stressed and worried that we had made the wrong decision to have another baby. Where would we live, how could we afford it, what if something went wrong again in labour, what if followed by what if.... it just went on and on.

Either choice you make is going to be with you for the rest of your life. Which one will make you happier?

Sending you alot of hugs for your very hard choice. :hugs:

[Purplebird]

Please don't worry what other people think - you should just do what is best for you and your family. It sounds like you are sure already and I think that is probably a good thing. Best of luck :hugs:

[LilShenanigans]

Those who want to judge you for it, aren't worth it. :o

That's all, Above posters have said what I think.

[Audrey]

Hi,

I seriously contemplated terminating my last pregnancy. In fact my DH insisted that it was our only option. I even drove past the clinic a few times trying to imagine myself going inside. I wasn't happy at all about being pregnant, I was sick and still breastfeeding my second child, but mostly I was scared of the financial impact and I was scared that I wouldn't be able to cope with three kids. In the end I went ahead with the pregnancy and I know this sounds awful but, at times I wished that something would go wrong and I would loose the baby.

My baby is now 14 months old and is the most beautiful and precious baby that I could have imagined. She has been no trouble at all and I just adore her. Since she was born I have felt so much guilt about even considering terminating. I realised that my fears were unfounded and I had put my fears of how the future might be ahead of the life of my baby.

Looking back although I didn't want to have another baby, underneath I really didn't believe that it was right to terminate. I have absolutely no regrets about going ahead and having the baby, but I know that if I had terminated I would have felt guilty every day for the rest of my life.

One bit of advice that I was given at the time, which I thought was valuable, was not to rush into having a termination. You still have a few weeks to think about it.

I also called one of the Pregnancy help lines and I found it to be helpful to talk it over with someone who was trained to help people in this situation.

I understand what a terrible choice this is.
If you have any questions please feel free to PM me.

Audrey

[ComeBackKid]

I have been through a termination and would be happy to chat with you if you wanted to PM me.

I have suffered for many years after the event because I didn't make the decision for the right reasons. I never wanted to do it, I didn't agree with it.

I don't know your situation and can't comment but I can advise based on my experience, do not do it unless you are 100%. If you are saying that you are not sure if you can go through with it, I think that is a good indication of what your gut is telling you. Maybe you could seek some independent counselling (outside of the clinic)? Make sure you know all the information about the procedure and possible emotional after effects. Make sure the decision to terminate is your decision and what is best for you.

Please PM me if you want to chat. I would be happy to share my experiences.

Sending you lots of hugs. Good luck. I hope you make the right decision for you.

[333]

I am really sorry you are in this position. I can not imagine what it feels like to be pregnant witha child that is unwanted. I can empathise with feeling it is too soon. I recently had a minor pregnancy scare and went through a huge range of emotions. My number one was feeling that I was taking away time that my baby deserved. I too get very sick and it just didnt seem fair to her that i wouldnt be unable to run around as much or give as much as she deserved.

I just want to advise you to please seek appropriate counselling before you make your decision either way. Try and consider the real reasons you are wanting the termination. If it is about other peoples opinions completely disregard them. You and you alone will have to live with your desicion. Either way this is something you, your children and your husband will have to live with for the rest of your lives.
You do sound like such a loving mother and i would hate for you to make a choice that you may spend the rest of your life regretting.:(


:hugs::hugs::hugs:

[SomewhereOverTheRainbow]

I have never been in your situation (although I have had an unplanned pregnancy at 18 which resulted in my DS1) so can't comment completely, but one thing I did think of as soon as i read your story was a friend of mine. Her mum had an abortion with her 3rd pregnancy as she hadn't wanted 3 children. She isn't bitter about it, but my friend sometimes talks about the brother or sister she might have had and wonders a lot about him or her. She said her mum doesn't really like to talk about it though.

I suppose it is just something extra to think about (as if you need anything else). How will your children feel in the future? Would you tell them?
I don't really have any advice other than (as someone else has said) take your time. It's not something you can undo.
I hope you are looking after yourself and coping as best you can. :hugs:

[raisingthree]

Hi,

My third baby was unplanned - in fact, I took the morning after pill within 24 hours of unprotected sex. It obviously didn't work.

My circumstances were that I had only been with my new partner (after divorcing my ex husband) for 6 months and we weren't living together.

I believe that a termination is a personal choice. I wont/don't judge either way. But for me it came down to the fact that I would always regret having a termination and would never regret having a child.

It was/has been hard but I love my little one just the same as my other two and this time, my partner stuck around :).

I hope that you will make a choice that you are 100% of and is best for you, your partner and your current children.

:hugs:

[OJandMe]

:hugs: I hope you find the strength you need for whatever the choice you make, I can't imagine having such a hard decision to make.:hugs:

[Papillion]

My best suggestion is to go and see 2 counsellors together ASAP. It will give you both a good chance to talk about it all and you'll also get a couple of different guides by seeing 2 different people (you may then want more chats with one of them). It should help you both to gain confidence in your decision & work through any concerns. All the best to you & your family. :)

[bootiful]

Please don't worry what other people think - you should just do what is best for you and your family. It sounds like you are sure ready and I think that is probably a good thing. Best of luck :hugs:

:iagree: could not of said it better.

[Izy]

I haven't been there, so please forgive my intrusion.

I just wanted to say that you seem confident you have made the right decision re termination, and that your primary problems seem to be a) what people will think and b) how you will feel longer term.

A) should never be a factor. They don't live your life, your consequences etc, so ignore any feelings on this front other than yourself and your husband. Keep it secret if you have to.

B) I would be seeking counselling to help you move through this long term. Its a very emotionally laden decision, and you need help to deal with your emotions on this front - own them, and move on. Hopefully someone else will be able to offer you some concrete help, ie names of groups that can offer supportive, positive counselling on this front.

Also, while you might be annoyed at your husband for putting you in this position, try to put that aside and share your feelings with him. He will be feeling angry at himself too - forgive each other, and take support from each other.

:hugs::hugs: to you both in such a difficult time.
:iagree: This is your decision.

I agree that councelling is a good idea, but do be careful. Alot of 'independent counsellors' are actually pro-life, thats where the most of the funds come from.

You are the only one that can make this decision. You will have the support of many of us regardless.

[MyFourCubs]

Pleeeeeeeeeeeeease please please please please read my story- Hannah's birth- the story of my unwanted / unplanned child. (it is linked in my signature) please. I dont' often beg but I am crying now, your story has struck such a chord with me because i have been exactly where you are. Like you, I could never see a way out of it. I was overwhelmed, terrified and did NOT want this baby- my 2nd was only 8 months old and I fell apart when I discovered I was pregnant. I could not have a termination, I just could not bring myself to do it despite the fact that not one single part of me wanted this baby- so I spent 8 months hating myself, resenting the baby and feeling utterly desolate and depressed. I kept telling myself, "one day you will look at this child and say, I cannot imagine this child being here. My life would not be complete without this baby." I did NOT believe it but I clung to it as it was the only thing that kept me going. In addition, I also have medical conditions that make pregnancy difficult and my two births had been absolute disasters- I nearly died.

Very long story short... my dd is now 19 months old and I ADORE HER.:yes: I love that child more than I could love anything in my life, although I adore my other children, my bubba girl is special as every single day I am reminded of how I never wanted her. I am reminded of how I considered having her aborted. I cannot, not one part of me now imagine not having her- she is my life and believe me, that child was MENT to be here.

If you are absolutely certain that this termination is the right thing to do- I would absolutely support you- it is your desicion to make. However, you do not sound sure to me- you sound like I did and I think that's why I am crying. Please look beyond this time- just think about it some more... there is not much else I can say:o

please PM me if I can support you in any way and I mean ANY way- regardless of the desicion you make.
:hugs::hugs::hugs:

[SomewhereOverTheRainbow]

Pleeeeeeeeeeeeease please please please please read my story- Hannah's birth- the story of my unwanted / unplanned child. (it is linked in my signature) please. I dont' often beg but I am crying now, your story has struck such a chord with me because i have been exactly where you are. Like you, I could never see a way out of it. I was overwhelmed, terrified and did NOT want this baby- my 2nd was only 8 months old and I fell apart when I discovered I was pregnant. I could not have a termination, I just could not bring myself to do it despite the fact that not one single part of me wanted this baby- so I spent 8 months hating myself, resenting the baby and feeling utterly desolate and depressed. I kept telling myself, "one day you will look at this child and say, I cannot imagine this child being here. My life would not be complete without this baby." I did NOT believe it but I clung to it as it was the only thing that kept me going. In addition, I also ahve medical conditions that make pregnancy difficult and my two births had been absolute disasters in which I nearly died.

Long story short... my dd is now 19 months old and I ADORE HER.:yes: I love that child more than I could love anything in my life, although I adore my other children, my bubba girl is special as every single day I am reminded of how I never wanted her. I am reminded of how I considered having her aborted. I cannot, not one part of me now imagine not having her- she is my life and believe me, that child was MENT to be here.

If you are absolutely certain that this termination is the right thing to do- I would absolutely support you- it is your desicion to make. However, you do not sound sure to me- you sound like I did and I think that's why I am crying. Please look beyond this time- just think about it some more... there is not much else I can say

please PM me if I can support you in any way and I mean ANY way- regardless of the desicion you make.



Oh Goldilocks, you made me all weepy. :crying: I do love the way you write things. :hugs: You are a strong and brave woman and I always admire the passion in your posts! :thumbsup:

[MyFourCubs]

Oh thanks Nic, you are very sweet- I just reread what I wrote, what a disaster- didn't make sense and a million typos, thanks to the tears (well we'll blame the tears we all know I am well renound for bad spelling and typos.) You are also a very strong and brave woman- I really hope you are doing well:hugs:

I notice this OP has not been back since she posted that one post- I really hope she is doing ok and pray that she makes the right decision for her.:fingerscrossed: Sending many:goodvibes::goodvibes: through cyber land her way.

[Leeny]

What a terribly hard decision to have to make. I've never been in the same position, so I can't say what I would do, but I will say that the only 2 people that matter when it comes to making this decision is you and your dh.. Ultimately you two are the only 2 people who matter.

I wish you all the luck in the world making this kind of hard decision :hugs::hugs::hugs: Have you talked it over with your husband? I too think it may be worth while seeking some counselling, perhaps with, and without your dh, so you're able to speak freely about it :hugs:

[Stupid mistake]

Thank you to all of you that have been supportive by posting her & in PMs. And to the rude judgemental ones, I hope that one day you have something just as difficult happen to you. Yes we were stupid, I have never denied that. And as for other forms of birth control, I cant have them. Yes DH should have worn protection, but he didn't & he feels like sh!t.

DH & I discuss it in length multiple times a day. We are both confident in the decision to terminate. I do NOT want to go through another pregnancy, I have just gotten over all the newborn stuff & do NOT want another. We, as I previously stated, have NEVER wanted 3 kids, if you do, congratulations, we DON'T. If we had ever wanted 3 then I wouldn't hesitate to keep it, but I have enough trouble with the 2 I have, I do not have the patience for another. I really think it would ruin my family.

Yes its hard for alot of people to understand, but its not up to you to understand. If you can't give support to people when they need it, then why bother posting? I didn't ask for people to attempt to change my mind, I've had enough of that to last me a life time.

For the record, I have never liked abortions, BUT I have always said its up to the person/couple involved. And you know what, this is bloody difficult. I haven't slept in days, I have been worried sick & stressing over what to do. We were always leaning towards the termination & we will go through with it. I just cannot see my life improving with a 3rd child, I CAN see it declining though.

We will do what we feel is best for our family.

Again, thanks to all the members that provided me with support. I really appreciate it :hugs:

[Mathermy]

I'm really so sorry that people treated you badly :hugs: best wishes xo

ETA: any responses you feel were inappropriate can be reported by the red triangle above every post, and offensive PM's can be forwarded on to moderators.

[MimiGrace]

:hugs:I'm sorry you felt like people weren't listening to you/treating you badly.

Good luck with the termination then, i hope it all goes smoothly.

I still recommend seeing a councellor, just because i think it would be good for you to talk to someone unbiased (or one from the clinic, and one from outside). Not for information, but just to talk to someone other than your DP about it.
I'm so sorry you feel like that though! i am sure it still can't be an easy decision to make, no matter how bad another outcome may be for you! :hugs:

[MyFourCubs]

Ummmmm..... I dont' know if you consider me to be one of the "rude judgemental ones,":o I hope not as I didnt' mean to come across that way- I have been exactly where you are, made a "stupid mistake" also so certainly do not condemn or judge you for that.:no: I also do not judge you for having a termination if you are well and truly certain that is what you want to do.

As I said earlier, BECAUSE I have been where you are, certain that a 3rd child, an "accident" would destroy our life- I have a lot of empathy for you as I know what you are going through. However, my "big mistake," became, luckily, a most precious and welcome addition to our lives- it just took a long, long time to get used to it. I don't know if you read her story but you would likely see a lot of your own feelings and thoughts reflected there.

I truly hope that you make the right decision for you- not influenced by what others say but following what is in your heart. Which ever decision you make you will find support here, I promise you that.

:hugs:
Sara

[Myztik]

ETA: any responses you feel were inappropriate can be reported by the red triangle above every post, and offensive PM's can be forwarded on to moderators.

:yes: :iagree:

[NibbleCurlynBub]

Yes its hard for alot of people to understand, but its not up to you to understand. If you can't give support to people when they need it, then why bother posting? I didn't ask for people to attempt to change my mind, I've had enough of that to last me a life time.
In your OP many people read it in a way that said that you were not sure you wanted to have an abortion and probably felt that they wanted to address that so you might think about it.. Because it would be awful for you to go ahead if you weren't sure and for us to see another thread titled 'Big Mistake' about having an abortion you weren't sure about.

That's all.

But, since you are 100% certain now, I wish you the best of luck.

Please don't feel like any BHers were trying to be anything other than supportive, nobody here wishes you badly nor thinks you cannot decide for yourself.

[MyFourCubs]

In your OP many people read it in a way that said that you were not sure you wanted to have an abortion and probably felt that they wanted to address that so you might think about it.. Because it would be awful for you to go ahead if you weren't sure and for us to see another thread titled 'Big Mistake' about having an abortion you weren't sure about.

f.

:iagree: Could not have said it better Nibby- :thumbsup:

[Hokey Pokey]

Our 4th was very much a suprise too. I too was breastfeeding. I felt many mixed emotions and was in alot of shock and denial for a veryy long time.
:hugs: