Would one compliment towards her Granddaughter kill her?! Ggrrrrr MIL's!

[ThisIsLiving]

My MIL seems to refuse to acknowledge anything positive about DD (her Granddaughter), yet is quick to point out any negatives :rolleyes: :confused:. Yet she has no problems with dishing out compliments/positive statements about SIL's daughter (her daughter's daughter), which is DD's cousin.

This greatly saddens me, and also frustrates me to no end.

Most recent example:
It was DD's 5th birthday party on the weekend, and DD got a new beautiful fairy outfit as part of her present that she was most excited about and of course naturally wanted to wear to her party. When MIL turned up DD excitedly asked her "do you like my fairy outfit Nanna?", MIL grunted and mumbled what I assume was a "yes" (but who knows!). Anyway then when her other grand-daughter turned up at the party 10 minutes later, MIL ran straight over to her and was gushing over how gorgeous my niece looked in her new t-shirt and skort. :confused: I even have the evidence of these events on video camera!! :p

I know I sound like a jealous daughter-in-law, and I admit that I quite possibly am, because I just wish she would treat both of her Grand-daughters equally, and she doesn't, which maddens me and makes me jealous. They are both her grandchildren for goodness sakes. What's the harm in showing both of them love and affection, and the occasional positive acknowledgement?

OK I know this is getting long, but another example (trust me I've got thousands, its practically a daily occurence)...

DD is relatively tall for her age. Lately I've received a few comments on her height, and people thinking that she must be 6 years old, not 5. Anyway I repeated this to MIL, to which she replied with "well just because she is tall now doesn't mean she will be tall later on. kids have growth spurts at different stages". Which is probably very likely all true, but why couldn't she just say something positive - she is HER Granddaughter, why not feel a bit proud instead of just shoot her down all of the time?!

Oh look I'm sorry for this long whinge. It feels good to get it out, but for the life of me this does my head in, and I wonder if this is going to continue for the rest of my DD's life? :no:

Does anyone else have a similar situation with a family/MIL/Mother? How do you deal with it? I am seriously in need of some advice, before my head caves in :dizzy:

[rainbow road]

It's not fair. :no: Your poor DD. Especially as one day she too will start to notice it.

My grandma is a bit the same with my cousin Joel as opposed to my brothers. It's always "Joely goes to sleep soooo well, he's so well behaved, sooo quiet," as opposed to "bailey doesn't stop whinging, bailey is a terrible sleeper, bailey is sooo naughty" and it's like....they're different! Appreciate them for their differences and love them equally because they're all your grandchildren and they don't deserve to be the recipient of ridiculous comments such as these.

Also, if it keeps going on, it might also upset your niece as she too will pick up on favouritism (which can be just as damaging as the opposite) and the r/ship between the girls as they get older.

Can you get DH to speak to his mother about it? Maybe she'll listen to him seriously, if you spoke to her she might be like, "neurotic DIL!" and not take you seriously?:hugs::hugs: for you and DD

ETA: I am always snapping at my nanna for comparing Joel to Bailey. She mutters that I'm just defending my mother, but i'm not, I'm defending my brother. She usually cools off for a bit. Joel lives in Perth so it's only really obvious when they come to Sydney to stay.

[Pax]

I would probably not bother to expose my DD to a grandmother that is like that.

obviously is not going to be a positive experience for her.

Its very sad.

[NibbleCurlynBub]

I would probably not bother to expose my DD to a grandmother that is like that.

obviously is not going to be a positive experience for her.

Its very sad.
:iagree: I wouldn't bother with someone who is so negative with your daughter, your poor little girl will notice eventually that her grandma doesn't like her as much.. That's not fair.

I say better to save her from it now than have your little girl wonder what is wrong with her and why she isn't as lovable as her cousin. That is a terribly sad thing for a little girl. :(

[WorkingClassMum]

Seeing that it's your MIL - I'd get hubby to talk to her about it.

Does hubby see this happening too?

If hubby wont talk to MIL, maybe a frank talk from you, or even a carefully worded letter.

Does SIL see this happening and has she ever said anything?

Are you close enough to SIL to talk to her (only if you can't talk to MIL by yourself)

Does it happen to other grandchildren as well, or are both girls the only grandchildren?

Is MIL's relationship with your DD a reflection of her relationship with you?

Unfortunately grandparents are not always perfect, and many are people with their own foilables and idiosyncrasis (sp).

In the mean time - don't give MIL any ammunition or anything to judge you and your DD on.

[Mathermy]

yes and no :o

When in their presence she treats them both equally, when she is with DD without the other GD she seems pretty anamoured with her.


But whenever we speak, be it by phone or in person, any story about DD is counteracted by one about other GD. It gets a bit annoying:o I mean she sees the other GD every week (sometimes multiple times) so I would really love it if she could just focus on DD occasionally without thinking about other GD.

She also always buys things for other GD. Not for xmas or bdays but "just because". So much so that whenever we see SIL's DD she is always pointing out her clothes, shoes etc and saying "nanna bought". Or when we go to her house and I will see something that would be really cool for DD (about the same age) she will go "oh mum bought that" blah:ecomcity:

It's not that I expect gifts for DD, she has more than any child could want or need, I consider us very blessed(as is SILs DD BTW). But it just makes me wonder when she is out choosing all these lovely things for her GD, why she doesn't think of DD too. It just seems really odd.

Plus when we go to Nanna's there are so many pictures of SIL's DD, but not very many of DD. And she only sees DD once every few months. You would think she would want more pictures of DD because she rarely sees her. You would think she would miss her:(

And one day, I found a picture of DD turned over with a picture of the other GD in front of it:(

anyways, got carried away:laughing:, just a vent I spose and yes I can relate. DD is so special, I just wish she could see it too.

[SeaMummy]

I have two answers on this one. The first is taht I agree with what others have said, and that not everybody is perfect. She may not realise that she is doing this. She may just happen to be closer to her daughter because she is her daughter, know what that grand daughter likes because she sees her more, and is obvlivious to the fact that it would be better to buy 2 of everything so both girls could enjoy.

So I would ask my husband to have a talk to her to let her realise you feel this way. If he won't, I would sit down and have a chat. Not a chat telling her what she is doing wrong, but pointing out that you are worried that your daughter might see what you see as she grows and you don't want her to be upset.

The other answer I have is about how it can affect your daughter. Everybody is different, but I know my mother had a similar situation. She is over 60 and it still affects her life. Her cousin was always special, always prettier, etc etc. My mother is pretty weak in personality already, so it affected her badly and she will never get over it. I hope your daughter is stronger, and as a mum hopefully you can help her with that.

If it was my daughter, I would be trying the gentle approach with my mother in law just in case she doesn't realise she is doing it. Then if that didn't work, I would come in hard until it got through. I am very protective of my children though.

[SeaMummy]

Another thought, can you be armed with the video to show your MIL if she doesn't get it? Would love to know what your partner says about all of this.

[susmamma]

Babe - my MIL is exactly the same.
Even going as far one day to tell me that she wished her daughter had a little girl (instead of a son) so she could buy those sweet little dresses that girls wear. She said she felt she'd missed out on the joy of buying for a little baby girl. (We have two little girls).

She has never bought our children birthday or christmas gifts. Oh actually I tell a lie, one year she bought a pair of knickers for DD1 when she was potty training.

She always says "I just didnt know what to buy."
And so she buys nothing.

Here's the thing.
It's not about you.
It's not about your kids.
It's about her.

And really that's squarely where it lands.
For years I was upset about her attitude.
And now, I realise how sad it must be to be her. And I dont feel any grief about it at all.

Try and let it go.
It is so not worth it.
You cant change her, and frankly that's not your job too anyway.

I would limit your time with her, no child should be around negativity and relish the fact that your compliments about your children will have the most lasting, positive impact on them, not what their grandmother does or doesnt say or do.

Good luck.
I promise, once you let go of any expectations you'll stop being sad and frustrated about it.

Now when she says stuff, it just rolls off my back. Frankly, I honestly believe it's her loss. My children have very little to do with her, by her choice. And she is missing out. And that's fine by me. Poor sad little old lady. I just feel so sorry for her.