Very Concerned Seperated Dad

[kelipau]

Im a seperated dad ( only for 6 weeks) and have just started seeing my 4yo son. I dont have access to my 6yo stepdaughter for reasons unknown to anyone. I have a DVO against me ( my ex has lied to police). I am concerned for my kids welfare as well. Each time I see my son he is so very tired and hungry. I pick him up from daycare at 9 in the mornings. Today I asked him what he had for breakfast and he said nothing. I also ask him about baths and dinner time. He says he doesnt have baths every night and dinner is Pizza or other takeaway. I know he's only 4 and information I get from him can't always be reliable, but every time I drop him back at daycare he gets so very sad and says "I dont want to go with Mummy". I can't confirm any of this because I am not allowed to contact my ex and not allowed to go to the house. I am really concerned because when we were together, I often had to work away and she found it very difficult to cope. I often had to arrange for my sister or an aunty to keep her company when I wasnt there. She is getting $500 a month child support, $ 300 a month for my stepdaughter, part time wages of $300 a week nett as well as family tax benefits etc. I have been told by somany peolple to just wait a while and if I see that the situation is the same then I should go to Family Services. My concern is that we would both lose the kids so I am thinking of going for custody of my son and maybe my stepdaughter. I am not sure if I would get custody of my stepdaughter as she is not mine but she has no contact with her natural father.

Any suggestions would be appreciated.

[Lollie86]

I'm really sorry that you have to go through all of this. Unfortunately I dont have any advice to give but I hope that it all gets sorted out soon and you have your little boy with you again. :hugs:

[gonnabeaGR8mum]

this situation sounds dreadful and makes my heart ache for you and your children :no:

the only advice i have is to seek legal advice specifically see a family law specialist. If you know anyone who has spent a lot of time with you before the seperation and when you have your kids could you get them to back you reggarding the AVO etc?

In the meantime is there anyone you can call who IS in contact with your ex and the kids, who can maybe keep an eye on them, or let you know if they get into trouble, financially or otherwise.

i hope things work out- how old is your SD? how long did you perform the role of "father" for her- i think that would have some bearing on your ability to get access.

[Me]

I don't have any experience in this sort of thing, but maybe CSA or DOCS might be able to put you in touch with some places with info, or maybe Legal Aid too.

If your son is presenting at daycare in that condition regularly, surely it would be daycare's obligation to report that:confused:. Perhaps have a chat to daycare next time you pick him up too and ask them if they've noticed it and if they can keep an eye on things and call you in a few days to let you know if it's continuing(although they may not be comfortable with that, and if so don't push the topic).

Are you able to get in touch with your step daughters dad(or any of her family) to talk to him about having contact with his daughter?

Just make sure that whenever you speak to someone you speak with a "just out of curiosity" tone, rather than an "accusing" tone IYKWIM. You don't want you ex coming after you for defamation of character.

Best of luck.

[Acacia]

Hi,
Just wondering if you have a legal custody agreement. AVO'S when they are in regards to people other than the children should have no impact on your chance of 50/50 custody. Do the kids have access to your family? If you can't speak to your ex than perhaps they can and can arrange to look after the kids also so she can get a break if thats whats needed.
Definately speak to the family law court, or legal aid. Good luck and i hope it works out for all of you.

[NibbleCurlynBub]

Honestly I don't see you getting custody of your step-daughter.

It would also be difficult once a DVO has been taken out upon you, to disprove this.

I would recommend you start by getting a psych profile, doing parenting courses, first-aid and resuscitation courses and whatnot.

These things will bolster your argument that you are indeed an appropriate father for your child.

From there, get some legal advice. It may not be too promising, but if you suspect abuse or neglect (sounds a bit like neglect to me) your son will be assigned his own lawyer to aim at what is deemed 'best' for him independent of the tog-of-war of you and your ex.

Hope that helps.

[flick82]

Its not impossible to get custody, Know a family where the father had a DVO placed against him he fought for the children and ended up with sole custody of his DD and SS. The mother has 1 night a fortnight, Only contact they have is thru a communication book.
Seek legal advice ASAP, keep documents of everything e.g.- If you have proof she is lying & everything else.
Could your sister or aunty talk to her to try and organise some sort of formal agreement & maybe you could get a bit more care than you have now???

[MummySharna]

Before you go to Family Services seek some legal advice and do some courses. Trust me once you get involved with Family Services it is very hard to get rid of them and then if they find her as a fit mother you will get introuble.

I am very sorry to hear about your situation and wish you all the best!

[c2p08]

hi, i'm so sorry that you are going through this, the only thing i can think of is to report everything you know and see to Docs, if nothing else they will keep an eye on your ex. you can do it annonymously and she/they will never have to know its you doing it... which can help prevent the spiteful ex angle.


aside from that, maybe see if you can set up a communication book with your ex, maybe do it through a lawyer or osmething and have it written down that you both have to write down what the child eats/drinks/sleeps etc whilst theyare in your care.. she would only do it on the days that you see the child but you do it that time as well, but you could also ask that she give a basic rundown of his week aswell.. progress of the child etc..

i have this with my ex and am finding that it is very helpful in finding out how my DD routine is whilst she is not in my care, it also helps me to see how my ex is taking care of our DD (she is 2)...

most judges/lawyers are inclinded to do this as it helps in keeping the peace alot of the time...

oh, btw, do u have any court orders or anything like that for visitation?? maybe, if u could get your ex help with looking after your child it would also be a way of insuring that she has to look after the other child to, i dont think that there is anything u can do about seeing that hcild, but maybe consult a lawyer about it too..


good luck!

[kayla]

I too don't have any real advice for you other than to let the courts do their job, my heart goes out to those kids put in the middle of this mess

[Bambibambino]

Kelipau I was just wondering how things were going? I know it has been a while since you posted but perhaps you could still make use of some advice?

My brother just went through a really ugly separation/ attempt to have DVO placed/ child custody battle. Based on his experiences my advice is two fold.

In terms of the DVO, my understanding of the system is that an interim order may have been made until the date of the official hearing. You need to do everything possible to avoid the official DVO being granted as it can be used against you in custody issues. It is expensive to be represented by a decent solicitor but it is worth every penny, as the onus of disproving the allegations is very much on you. This is bizarre seeing as in every other legal situation the defendant is considered innocent until proven otherwise.

Secondly, in terms of access to your child, you need to maintain as much contact as possible as the court will consider this to be a precedent that needs to be maintained. If you are having difficulty accessing your child you need to seek an immediate emergency access order through the courts. It really is in your best interests to have an official order in place as quickly as possible.

There are some absolutely brilliant mens support groups and websites that are designed to help fathers in exactly your position. I would make full use of them.

www.menslineaus.org.au (http://www.menslineaus.org.au)
www.mensconfraternity.org.au (http://www.mensconfraternity.org.au)

Good luck