Baby number 1 equals child number 4 (pregnant rambling)

[Just Add Water]

Howdy,

I'm interested to know if anyone has been in the same situation as me, or can offer me any advice as I'm slowly going insane!

My hubby and I have custody of his 3 children from his previous life, they see their walking womb occassionally (though this may change given that she's being investigated for abuse) and she causes us nothing but grief.. but anway, I digress.

I am currently pregnant with *my* first child, I've never been pregnant before and obviously with being pregnant comes a whole lot of other issues and feelings (not to mention hormonal rants :ecomcity:) that for most people you get to deal with along the way. Everyone I know has had the chance during their first pregnancy to take weekends away with their partner, or just to enjoy the time together and discovering new things about being pregnant. I, on the otherhand, am dealing with 3 children of varying ages, all who have varying issues in their lives (both from their past life and just the general being a kid stuff) as well as my hubby working a lot (in our own business so really can't complain there, he's working his butt off for all of us).

So I am nervous about having a baby, worried whether or not I'm going to do it how it should be done, whether or not I'm doing the whole pregnancy thing the right way, dealing with pyscho ex, horrible m-i-l who refuses to even acknowledge I'm pregnant, issues with children and a busy hubby. Oh and very little other support around me. Not sure if I mentioned it but I work from home and am essentially the SAHM who does school runs, school meetings, appts, etc. Can you see why I'm losing the plot??

I would love to hear from anyone else who has been in a similar situation, it would do wonders for me.

At least now it's Sunday night, the kids are in bed, hubby is making me a cup of tea and I'm going to put my feet up.

Thanks.

[jimmysmummy]

Hi,
Your post had me nodding my head in agreement and understanding.

I have a 9y.o stepdaughter, who only sees her mum every 3rd weekend and is very very demanding. I so much wanted to have my hubby and my new baby to myself, and became very resentful towards SD, and still do sometimes.

Like you, I do everything for her that a real mum would normally do...the drop offs, pickups, breakfast, lunches made, homework supervised, dinner, etc etc. sometimes I feel cheated...I want to devote all of my time to my son and my husband. I was only 24 when we got together and I kind of feel like my mid-late 20s were stolen from me. I really feel for you having to look after 3 children who aren't yours.

Being a stepmum, especially a fulltime one, can be a thankless job. there have been some extremely difficult times when I wished I didn't love my husband so much so I could leave him.

I apologise for this post being a bit of a ramble. It's hard ot put my thoughts into words. Just know that I know how you feel. I will check this post tomorrow and try to write some more.

:hugs:
:hugs:
:hugs:

Noelle

[spunkysmum]

Hi,

. I was only 24 when we got together and I kind of feel like my mid-late 20s were stolen from me. I really feel for you having to look after 3 children who aren't yours.


Noelle

i totally know how you feel i was 18 when i met my ex and he already had 2 kids 9 and 2 when we met we split when i was 24

but i know how hard it is raising kids that are not your own we had them living with us i didnt have to just put up with on ex i had 2 ex (they both had different mums)
expecially when your preg and hormonal it does get hard ... what i found was that if i involved them in everything the oldest dss would help me cook dinner (sometimes even do it himself ) and i would always take some time on a sunday (ex used to work saturdays ) just to sit and do nothing or go for a bath or something just for me
good luck i totally understand where your coming from
i know its not ideal but could you all go for a weekend away ? just the break in routine normally helps :hugs::hugs:

[YMo7]

i dont know if i can be much help, but my dh and i also have custody of his 3 children from his exwife. they see her once a month and half of the school holidays.

i also have a daughter from a previous relationship living with us as well as 2 more that we have had together and another on the way.

they are all parented the same, but i agree - it can be very very hard. i am 26 and my stepkids are 14, 12 and 9 - i am not even old enough to have given birth to the oldest 1 or 2. i would have been 12 and 14 when i had them if i had given birth to them.

i have noticed how stressed i am lately, being pregnant and dealing with all the kids, especially the 2 older boys.... the 14yr old is hitting 'teenagerdom' with a vengeance (usually a fantastically behaved kid) and the 12yr old is suffering from an austistic spectrum disorder - possibly asperger's. (still being diagnosed) so he is very hard to deal with...

i am on msn or you are welcome to pm me if you ever wanna chat. :)

take care - good luck.

[Jakois]

I am on the flip side of your situation. I have two children from my first marriage and a DD to my DP.
I would be horrified of my DP felt any form of resentment toward my two boys cause he was raising them along with the DD we have together.
You see cause he entered into a relationship knowing there was children involved. I guess I am lucky, he sees the boys as a blessing, not a hinderance.

If you are feeling awful in looking after his children as well, maybe you need to let him know so he can play a more active role. Does your DP know that you are feeling this way at all?

Also, instead of looking at the negatives, focus on the positives. Your child will have brothers/sisters to love him/her. Older brothers and sisters to play with and be entertained by.

I hope you find a happy medium within your family:).

[YMo7]

i agree with jackois - i see our kids as a blessing - ours, meaning his, mine an ours.... and we are so excited that we can give the older kids the experience of having a little baby sister for them to dote on and they can all grow up together in a large loving family.

i undertsand that it can be hard - i understand completely... but if things were any different i would imagiane that you would miss them and be upset, like i would be. if you look at the situation, i am sure you wills ee that the positives would definately outweigh the negatives.

:)

[Just Add Water]

Hi,

Thanks for all your comments... I don't actually resent my step kids, I knew 100% that they were part of the package with my husband... I guess I just find it hard to deal with the being pregnant and all the emotions that come with that as well as being "mum" to three other children.

The three step children all treat me as most children treat their parents, I don't see any difference there. So there's not really resentment towards them. We do all try and go away together and do things together. I guess I'd just like a week or two of selfishness and to live in another world and have my hubby to myself (though I'm sure I would miss the other three terribly).

I don't even know if my brain is fuctioning at the moment lol.

[twotrunks]

I would love a week away with DH to concentrate on us and this baby... and the other three are all mine!! I think its only natural to be feeling that way at this point, and I wish you best of luck.
TT

[siansmum]

Yes Nomadic, I've been in almost the same position as you and I know exactly how you feel. My husband has two daughters from a previous marriage who live with us 50% of the time (Tues and Thurs nights and every other weekend, also half the school holidays). We had our own daughter two years ago and it was a very difficult time for me - not the happy occasion I was hoping for. Of course I was DELIGHTED and OVER THE MOON to finally have my baby in my arms, but my husband and I only had one night together in the hospital without his two girls being there (they were 12 and 10 at the time). I was desperate for time alone with my husband so that we could bond with our baby girl together, but every time he came into the hospital, he brought them and I felt totally smothered by them wanting to hold the baby and me not wanting them to. I also didn't want to breastfeed in front of them and my husband just didn't understand why!
Unfortunately, it was the start of the school holidays when we came home, so we arrived home on the Friday and the girls arrived for a week on the Sunday! All I did was cry and want to be left aline with my baby. My husband's sister offered to have the girls, but my husband didn't want to send them away and they didn't want to go. On top of all this, we got news on the Tuesday that our little girl had inherited a genetic condition from us called PKU and we had to go into the RCH for 3 days of testing. On the Wednesday, my best friend was killed in an accident. Even with all of this happening, my husband 's ex didn't offer to take the girls bck and it was MY parents (Not even their real grandparents!), who took them for a couple of nights.
Even now, two years on, I get so angry and resentful of that time I never had alone with my husband and our baby. Becoming a mum for the first time is such a special thing and I will never get that time back again and it makes me sad. We're now trying to conceive, and I'm already anxiuos about having the girls around when the baby is born and going through it all again (we won't know if the baby has inherited the PKU until after they do the 3 day heel prick on him/her in hospital). I haven't told my husband, but I'm working it that I don't conceive and have the baby due during school holidays again because I just couldn't go through all that again and look after 2 extra children.
So, Nomadic, yes, I know exactly how you feel!!! Good luck.

[Mathermy]

I am on the flip side of your situation. I have two children from my first marriage and a DD to my DP.
I would be horrified of my DP felt any form of resentment toward my two boys cause he was raising them along with the DD we have together.
You see cause he entered into a relationship knowing there was children involved. I guess I am lucky, he sees the boys as a blessing, not a hinderance.

If you are feeling awful in looking after his children as well, maybe you need to let him know so he can play a more active role. Does your DP know that you are feeling this way at all?

Also, instead of looking at the negatives, focus on the positives. Your child will have brothers/sisters to love him/her. Older brothers and sisters to play with and be entertained by.

I hope you find a happy medium within your family:).

:iagree:

If ever a man resented DD, well he wouldn't be the man for me. DD and I are a package, take us or leave us-your choice :yes:

[jimmysmummy]

Even now, two years on, I get so angry and resentful of that time I never had alone with my husband and our baby. Becoming a mum for the first time is such a special thing and I will never get that time back again and it makes me sad. We're now trying to conceive, and I'm already anxiuos about having the girls around when the baby is born and going through it all again (we won't know if the baby has inherited the PKU until after they do the 3 day heel prick on him/her in hospital). I haven't told my husband, but I'm working it that I don't conceive and have the baby due during school holidays again because I just couldn't go through all that again and look after 2 extra children.
So, Nomadic, yes, I know exactly how you feel!!! Good luck.

That's exactly how I feel!
People think I'm nasty because I don't want my SD around 100% of the time. And yes, of course I knew my hubby had a child when we first got together, but when you're in that giddy, beginning of a relationship period, you don't really think about what life will be like in the future when you spend more time with the child than their real mother does.

It's not that I resent my SD- I resent the fact that I didn't get a "babymoon" with my DH, and that none of my children will ever get our full, devoted attention that a first child usually gets. It's not her fault...it's no-one's fault, but that doesn't make it any easier.

[Just Add Water]

It's nice to know I'm not alone in wishing for a freeze on reality from time to time :)

I've been thinking about this some more and still think that having 3 step children whilst being pregnant with your first baby makes it harder. I think it would be made a lot easier if they were only ever with us. Life is harder for them and then puts extra strain on our relationship when their mother (who sees them approx 12 hours a month - broken over 2 days) tells them not to listen to us and that their father and her will get back together. That just makes things all the more harder.

This isn't about resenting the kids, it's about being honest and wishing that some things could be easier. I agree, you never really know what it's going to be like. Even nearly four years down the track I find myself stopping and going "Wow, you know what? This is a hell of a lot harder than I thought it would be". But I'm still here, so that says a lot too.

[Rubyzz]

Yeh look I think its normal to feel like that at times, I felt the same, My Ex had two children from previous marriage and naturally he wants them involved in everything...I also just wanted some baby father and me time, or actually just some him and me time. When you read any step parenting books it does say all the relationships involved in the new family need time set aside, they all deserve some special alone time. It also helps if the man is appreciative of just how much work you are doing and lets face it you can become to feel like your just taken for granted. Step parenting is thankless and your supposed to just toe the line.
I just want to add I think its easier for a man to join a family with children already rather than a woman to take on a mans children. When they have a mother already that is a pain in the butt and likes to cause issues things start compounding. The step families Ive seen work the best are the ones the men joined in. I was childless and all of a sudden was supposed to know what to do with two children, I had lived alone for many years and now had four people then a new baby to make five....you can grow into it but it takes time and doesnt happen overnight and a supportive partner is a must. Mine wasnt unfortunately and didnt like to communicate at all about anything...needless to say why he is an Ex

[Just Add Water]

It is hard, but like you say for a woman to join the family it is a LOT different. I think I could start my own parenting bookshop with all the books I own but the biggest problem I have is that the majority of them say that the step-parent should take a back seat and just be their friend until everything is comfortable. That's great when you can, but I'm the SAHP and the main caregiver due to our circumstances, I can't just be their friend...

Rough week though so probably not in a good position to post much more on this tonight. We've just had an offer from a friend for a night out, they've offered to come and mind our kids (which is even lovlier considering that (a) he's an employee and (b) his wife is happy to stay at home with their kids. Obviously they can both see that we need a night together.... Thanks for the posts though, it really makes me feel less alone.

[jimmysmummy]

I just want to add I think its easier for a man to join a family with children already rather than a woman to take on a mans children. When they have a mother already that is a pain in the butt and likes to cause issues things start compounding. The step families Ive seen work the best are the ones the men joined in. I was childless and all of a sudden was supposed to know what to do with two children, I had lived alone for many years and now had four people then a new baby to make five....you can grow into it but it takes time and doesnt happen overnight and a supportive partner is a must.

:yes::iagree:

so true!
Usually (not always) the man spends more time away from home, so a step-dad is more like a "mate", not a nagging cow who is always stressed from running the house like a step-mum.:D