10 weeks pregnant and depressed (long)

[tiredfighter]

I stumbled across this board while looking for some sort of help with prenatal depression. I have it and I have it bad.

I've suffered from depression for most of my life and knew I'd be at risk for it during pregnancy. I was unprepared at just how BAD it would be. This is seriously the worst I've ever felt. This includes the time when I tried to kill myself as a teen.

In the last two years, I really got my life on track. I lost a lot of weight, became athletic and proud of myself.

This summer, my husband and i decided that it was time to start a family. Things were going so well. I was on the lowest dosage of anti-depressants. I was stable, happy, and well-prepared to become a mom. Or so I thought.

I became pregnant within two months of trying. I was happy and excited for a week. And then things started coming apart. There were a series of events that started me down the path towards my natural depressive tendencies.

I read too much at the beginning and became overwhelmed with the hard facts of motherhood. I started spotting (and not implantation spotting). I was told I couldn't exercise. I was then diagnosed with an underactive thyroid. Not only that, but there's an unknown lump on it, too (still waiting for a specialist appointment). Throw in some financial worries, and I sunk into a deep dark hole.

I was at my lowest two weeks ago. Since then, I somehow managed to get to my doctor and tell her what was going on. I also got in to see a therapist.

My meds have been increased and the talks with the therapist have helped. But I'm still not there yet. The one thing that's helped me before, I can't do. Exercise is forbidden to me because every time I try something low-impact, I spot.

I'm not sleeping well; I wake after about 4 hours and then lie in bed for what feels like hours trying to fall asleep. I'm also getting night sweats, so even if I was able to sleep through the night, the sweating is so bad it wakes me up. I'm tired, constipated, nauseated and don't want to do the things I used to like to do. All I do is watch TV in the evenings and weekends. I hate feeling this way. Fat, unkempt, and awful inside and out. I hate being pregnant.

My husband has been supportive, but maybe a little too supportive. He does things for me to a fault. He keeps wanting to touch and reassure me even though I can't stand to be touched by him or by our two cats. I just want to wear a sign that says "stay away."

I keep bouncing between telling myself I'll be a good mom and thinking this is the worst decision I've ever made. Sometimes I think that having a baby will be the end of me. I'm dreading the responsibility, the sleepless nights, the breastfeeding, diaper changing, all of it. Moments of resentment would be a good description.

I'll be seeing my doctor again today and talking with her about the insomnia and night sweats. She may yet increase my medication again. In the meantime, I just had to get this all out. I feel like the worst person in the world. Sucking at being a wife and hating being pregnant.

[dancer4life]

hey hun dont be so hard on urself! you are definatly not the worst person in the world and your going thru a tough time and that certainly doesnt make u a bad wife or mommy-to-be!!
are u allowed to do pregnancy yoga or pilates where there is no impact? just something to get the hart rate up? chin up babe i know its hard when u feel really down all the time but you can do it. like your name says ur a fighter and you can get thru this . :hugs: and i dont know a mom who hasnt thought what the hell have i gotten myself into or at some stage hated and resented the fact of being a mom but then you look at your child and they will smile or laugh or do something that makes you smile and you realise that there is nothing you would possibly change even if you could.. :)

[Grace3]

:hugs::hugs: First of all.

I can understand how your feeling.

I am generally a pretty happy person, but when I'm pregnant I suffer depression. One of my pregnancies I could have easily driven the car into traffic, just for my feelings to stop. It scared me, to the point I had to tell DH if I get worse you are going to have to admit me

For me its the hormones, the lack of sleep, feeling sick all day everyday and generally not being able to function. PLUS looking after two other children.

Each time, I have found after I get through the 1st Tri and when the m/s eases off and things started to settle down I felt better.

I think your doing everything you can. Keep talking to your Dr, therapist and your husband.

I forgot to mention I know you said you can't excerise because of spotting, but what about light swimming.

Take care
Gracie
xxx

[MyFourCubs]

:hugs: I just want to say, go easy on yourself! Even for women not prone to depression, pregnancy can bring it on. Current research suggests that there is a higher incidence of prenatal depression than postnatal depression it's just not as picked up and treated. Remember also that your hormones play a HUGE part in this- when I am pregnant I am like a weeping williow- I cry non stop, even when I am happy to be pregnant. I know many who are the same.

With my 3rd dd I was utterly depressed through the whole pregnancy to the point of suicidal- her story (Hannah) is linked in my signature. She was unplanned and I did not want to be pregnant- I spent the entire pregnancy resenting her and hating my body and my life and constantly thinking of ways to try and get out it. My baby boy at the time was only 8 months old when I fell pregnant and he was a HANDFUL (he was later dx with autism) and I was petrified wondering how I would cope. I would cry most days and nights- my dh would go to bed and I would come out to the lounge room and sob my heart out til the early hours of the morning.:( It sucked!

However, after my dd was born I coped better than i did the first 2 times around- don't underestimate the powere of maternal love- it can overtake any doubts and fears that you may have- sure you may still get some postnatal depression but it's easier to cope with the worries and fears when you have a beatiful little baby to remind you of whats good in thr world and why you are doing this. At the moment bub is a nameless entity for you- you have no connection yet. You will! It may not happen during this pregnancy or straight after the birth but it will come.

I was going to suggest light walking just to get out of the house- swimming is a good idea as well.

Keep coming to these boards you will find a tremendous amount of support here and once you hang around for a while you may start to get a bit excited of whats to come.:)

PM me anytime if you want to chat!
:hugs:
Sara

[BigW]

Tired fighter. Big hugs your way. I have a thyroid problem, and I know how much it can affect you, especially your moods and emotions. In short, it sucks the big one!
Dont feel bad about not wanting to be touchy feely with hubby, I was the same for the good first three months of each of these pregancies of mine. He'll understand - may complain a little though! :)
Pilates or yoga as mentioned could be a great option for you. Maybe even getting involved with a mums to be group? As mythreecubs mentioned, hang around here, you'll get heaps of support.
I know it seems dark at the moment, but there is a little ray of sunshine coming up in the near future. :)

[tee]

I think that a lot of it has to do with hormones (the nightsweats that you're having alone, suggest this). I've struggled with depression/anxiety issues my entire life and now that I'm pregnant, every little emotional hiccup I get petrified that I'm 'relapsing'. My first pregnancy was a breeze, I was happy and content, not fearful - but then I got postnatal. I think this was largely to do with hormones rebalancing after the birth too.

You're doing so much worrying that life after birth will probably not even live up to your expectations! You never know, you may cope better than you think. To get down about it before it even happens, and to have a negative mindset is only going to depress you. I know, because I do the same.

Not sleeping well can really, really add to how you're feeling. This pregnancy, if I have less than 10 hours sleep - I'm an emotional rollercoaster the next day. I'm not sure what you can do to help your sleep, or whether you are open to natural therapies - but even small things like burning oils (I went to a proper organic oils shop and got one that really helps me drift off to sleep at bed time). Unfortunately, to deal with the stress of a rough pregnancy, you're going to have to be really pro-active. Sometimes you just want to give up, but when you feel that - that's the time where you have to gather your energy and keep on trying.

I'm 25 weeks pregnant and my entire pregnancy has been nuts. It's definitely hormonal as I get PMS symptoms along with the moods, like sore breasts. So when I'm having a rough day or moment, I remind myself that it's 'just' hormones and try and ride with it. I have a list of things that help me, whether it's escaping into a good novel, speaking to a family member who can cheer me up/ snap me out of it, getting absorbed in anything that can distract you is so important. I, too, cannot exercise as I have low blood pressure that makes me want to pass out - so I also hear you on the frustrations of not being able to walk it off.

Constipation, nausea, the not sleeping, everything you've mentioned can contribute to low mood. I said to my partner last night, 'do you think I have pre-natal depression, or do you think that perhaps I'm just down because being sick all the time is so hard.' I answered my own question - I've basically felt like I've had the flu and PMS for the past five or six months! God, even constipation can make me feel at wit's end and severely depressed until it's resolved.

I am also really not liking this pregnancy and I know it sounds trite, but trust me - it is worth it. Because I've had one already, I just know this to be true. Through all the hard times, just one smile off bub can make every single hard moment seem okay.

I think these glowing ideals that we start out with, that we're going to be this beautiful, strong pregnant woman, and then this peaceful, breastfeeding supermum, adds to how hard we make this journey for ourselves too. Pregnancy can be really rough, so can the first six months of a newborn. I think expecting that, and riding with it -can help ease us into it easier. Also, to realise that you're allowed to hate pregnancy, that it's okay to be irritable and over it. Have a good look around on the forums, you'll find that so many women have all these issues in pregnancy as well. The majority of us are a ball of hormones, nausea and aches!

If it helps any, the first six months of a newborn - for me, in hindsight, was way easier than what I am going through with this pregnancy. It's just a different stress you know? It's just so different. PLUS, you have the hope that you will probably start feeling better soon! Really, in a few weeks, hormones should settle and things could very well be okay.

AND to boot, with a supportive husband, it sounds like you're going to get so much help with nappy changes and so on, which is so beneficial in coping well after birth.

Anyway, I've yapped on enough. I just really relate to how you're feeling. Best thing I can offer though, is that you have such a massive chance that you'll be feeling better soon. :fingerscrossed:

[MyFourCubs]

Also just wanted to say I just finished reading a book called "babymoon," by Melanie La Brooy. It was HILARIOUS and I highly reccomend it. The woman in the book suffers a lot of the fears and worries through the pregnancy that you mentioned so it's a great relatable read in that way but it's also laugh out loud funny!:laughing: A MUST READ, it has a dark blue cover and is a new release so should be in all the major book shops and probably even BIG W and probably cheaper! GO AND GET IT it's worth it!!!!!!!!!:)

[MelissafromSyd]

Hi there,

sorry to hear you're having such a rough trot. Not sure which state you're in, but in Sydney, Tresillian provide a great service for women with depression.

[tiredfighter]

I can't tell you how wonderful it is to find so many people who have gone through the same thing. I've been feeling very isolated lately and alone in this. I've read that prenatal depression is very common but this is really the first and only place I've found with an active forum about it.

I'm actually from Canada. I wish we had something like this here!

Fortunately, today is the best I've been in a long time. I spoke with my doctor yesterday and I'm being referred to a specialist who treats pregnant women with depression. The appointment is next week so any adjustments to meds will have to wait until then.

You're all so absolutely right on many things. I kept nodding when reading your posts. You ladies are very kind to have shared your support, experiences, and tips. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

For instance, I know that hormones are to blame in part. I'm normally a very logical person. I know that scientifically all these hormones are surging through my body. But emotionally? It's hard to remember and believe and know that it'll come to an end. Thanks for reminding me of this.

And yes, I have to be proactive. Until recently, it was really hard to be active about anything. I've been so far removed from myself that remembering and using my regular coping strategies was impossible. Which is strange for me. I've always been a fighter and if something was broke, I'd find ways to fix it. But pregnancy has really diminished my spirit; fighting has been hard.

However, I'm glad to say that a little bit of my old spark came back last night. I actually had the energy to search for tips on night sweats and used some of them. Though I still didn't sleep through the night, I didn't break out in a messy sweat.

Tonight, I'm going to work on the insomnia. I found a website full of good tips and I'll be trying an insomnia-specific meditation CD. Nowadays, I'm lucky if I get 4 hours straight sleep which is nowhere near enough. I'm hopeful that at the very least I'll be able to get myself back to sleep in short order instead of lying awake for hours.

It feels good to have some degree of control back in my life. I had been feeling like a victim and too down to muster the energy to do even the smallest thing about it. That's the thing that sucks most about depression. I know what I need to do, but it's so hard to do it!

Thanks very much to everyone for suggesting swimming etc. I asked my doctor and she said it was okay to try. Just gentle though, nothing strenuous. If I spot, then I have to stop. But just the idea of being able to go to the pool at the end of the day is so uplifting - it's the first thing in a long time that I've been able to look forward to.

The idea of a bub is less daunting now after having read your experiences and assurances. I've been telling myself that as soon as he/she is out, whatever went before won't matter and all the things I need to do to nurture and care for my bub won't be as bad as I've been imagining it to be.

Tee - you're so right on that. I have a fertile imagination. I'm actually smiling about the thought that life after birth will be a walk in the park compared to my problems now and all the fears I've been projecting.

Thanks again to everyone. Truly, this has helped. I'm still not there yet, but I'm closer today than I was yesterday, due in part to your kindness.

[pavlova123]

Honestly. ur story is a replica of mine and if ur depressed now , having the baby will be worst. I suffered depression my whole life, and even hurt myself at 15 and on and off and so on. The think that worries me about you is that u are already dreading it when for me i was looking forward to it. So u dreading it and already have depression, get ur husband to watch otu cus my hubby is to a point he is giving up on me. I am on worst days ever. live in regret. its harder than hardm sum mothers cope and others like me , whjo was already depressed am not coping at all. I walked out of sons life and my hubbies, and u will resent ur hubby and regret ur life if u have this baby. get fixed first. i guess ur already pregant, i thought i was ready and was exited to change nappies, be a mother , and now i am so dissapointed that how i planned mothering in my head isnt exactly turning out to be the way i wanted it. its joyous some days but get ready to seriously have someone depend on u ur whole life. if u have the money for baby sitters ull be fine or if u have the support ull be ok... but as myself i dont have family, only know the in laws, and friends change if theyre not a parent themselves. pm me if u ever need to talk, i might get critisized but im giving u the facts, the truth , the reality of what happned to me. Its also hormones but seriously watch out if u catch urself wanting to cry all the time past a month of baby being born.x

[lady24]

I stumbled across this board while looking for some sort of help with prenatal depression. I have it and I have it bad.

I've suffered from depression for most of my life and knew I'd be at risk for it during pregnancy. I was unprepared at just how BAD it would be. This is seriously the worst I've ever felt. This includes the time when I tried to kill myself as a teen.

In the last two years, I really got my life on track. I lost a lot of weight, became athletic and proud of myself.

This summer, my husband and i decided that it was time to start a family. Things were going so well. I was on the lowest dosage of anti-depressants. I was stable, happy, and well-prepared to become a mom. Or so I thought.

I became pregnant within two months of trying. I was happy and excited for a week. And then things started coming apart. There were a series of events that started me down the path towards my natural depressive tendencies.

I read too much at the beginning and became overwhelmed with the hard facts of motherhood. I started spotting (and not implantation spotting). I was told I couldn't exercise. I was then diagnosed with an underactive thyroid. Not only that, but there's an unknown lump on it, too (still waiting for a specialist appointment). Throw in some financial worries, and I sunk into a deep dark hole.

I was at my lowest two weeks ago. Since then, I somehow managed to get to my doctor and tell her what was going on. I also got in to see a therapist.

My meds have been increased and the talks with the therapist have helped. But I'm still not there yet. The one thing that's helped me before, I can't do. Exercise is forbidden to me because every time I try something low-impact, I spot.

I'm not sleeping well; I wake after about 4 hours and then lie in bed for what feels like hours trying to fall asleep. I'm also getting night sweats, so even if I was able to sleep through the night, the sweating is so bad it wakes me up. I'm tired, constipated, nauseated and don't want to do the things I used to like to do. All I do is watch TV in the evenings and weekends. I hate feeling this way. Fat, unkempt, and awful inside and out. I hate being pregnant.

My husband has been supportive, but maybe a little too supportive. He does things for me to a fault. He keeps wanting to touch and reassure me even though I can't stand to be touched by him or by our two cats. I just want to wear a sign that says "stay away."

I keep bouncing between telling myself I'll be a good mom and thinking this is the worst decision I've ever made. Sometimes I think that having a baby will be the end of me. I'm dreading the responsibility, the sleepless nights, the breastfeeding, diaper changing, all of it. Moments of resentment would be a good description.

I'll be seeing my doctor again today and talking with her about the insomnia and night sweats. She may yet increase my medication again. In the meantime, I just had to get this all out. I feel like the worst person in the world. Sucking at being a wife and hating being pregnant.

Hi [tiredfighter], I'm sorry to hear what you're going through. I'm undergoing some prenatal depression myself.

My husband and I found out I was pregnant 3 weeks ago because I missed my period. It came as a big shock and took a whole week to fully sink in.

When the news first sank in, I had a day or two when I felt excited about having the little bub but now I have the worse morning sickness ever!

I get up to use the toilet every 30 minutes every night, get hungry every 2-3 hours but feel sick when I see, smell, think of any food. Find it extremely hard to stomach anything as well. I've been vomiting a lot and have bad gastrointestinal reflux (have a sour taste in my mouth and thick saliva all the time).

I feel hot and cold at night, have bad muscle aches as I also have scoliosis and spina bifida and I get a bad headache all the time. Basically, I feel sick whenever I'm awake.

I underwent depression when I was 19 and turned anoxeric. Things got better and I found myself happy and healthy again with the support of my friends, especially my best friend to whom I'm married to now. I got married a couple of years ago.

Shortly after my marriage, work wasn't going well and I had a tough time adjusting to my new lifestyle as a wife. I found myself being anxious about everything; I couldn't switch off so I couldn't sleep. This didn't help because I had a full time job and had my homely duties.

Life was tough for me. I felt so stressed and thought I couldn't cope by myself anymore so I went to the doctor for antidepressants. The doctor I went to see had a strong belief that people shouldn't take any kind of mind-altering pills so she convinced me to see a psychologist instead.

I started seeing this psychologist and she became a good friend to me - a good listener. However, I had to stop my sessions shortly after as they were getting too costly and I found another full time job I was happy with.

After being happy in my full time job for a few months, I find out I'm pregnant now and I've been so sick I've been bedridden for over 2 weeks now. Due to the festive season, I was fortunate to have a week off on annual leave but I have to take the other week off as unpaid.

I still haven't been able to go back to work and I risk losing my job. It's really thrown me off balance and I get really down and drown my head in my pillow for days sobbing about how horrible my life is.

But... every now and then when I don't feel too sick for a few minutes, I think about the little bub that is growing in me. I had bleeding and almost lost it very recently but it survived. It's my little fighter.

I can bravely say I've got prenatal depression but I do think that things will get better. My sister was extremely sick for the first three and last three months of her pregnancy so I think I will be the same but I do believe it will all be worthwhile.

You are not alone. I think life is such a miracle. Try to hang in there and think of what you can do to help this little life. Maybe that will help you take the focus off your own sadness and focus on making someone so precious be happy.

I freak whenever I read and hear of women saying to rub your belly and smile so that your baby will be happy because I myself have been so miserable. However, as one other lady said, don't undermine your maternal instinct. The bub might very well give you new meaning to your life.

I believe that's what it will give me...

[Blueberry Crumble]

On the night sweats, they are completely hormone related and normal. I dont have depression but I got night sweats badly when I was 10 weeks it was yuck!

You poor thing, I really feel for you :( While touch wood I didnt have depression when pregnant, I got in sooooo bad and terrible anxiety 5 weeks after bubs was born. I truly believe it was triggered by hormones and sleep deprivation. I think those of us who have pre-existing mental illnesses are more senistive to the emotional and physical side of being pregnant and having babies. I am being monitored very closely by my psych, gp and professionals at the mental health dep at my hospital.

You are doing the right thing by promptly seeking help from doctors/therapists- take whatever help you can get, and if you haveto take a stronger form of anti-depressant, be aware that the risks to the baby is very minimal compared to the risks associated with being stressed. I have Lorazepam (which is like valium) in my cupboard for emergencies, and I am 20 weeks pregnant. All my doctors tell me to take it if I need it as the risks of being depressed are worse than the risks to the baby. I hardly have had to use it, I think having something strong there to help with panic attacks/anxiety is just reassurance in itself. Maybe discussing your medication would be a good starting point.

If you feel suicidal please please go to your local hospital. Dont be scared to admit yourself. A few days in hospital isnt as bad/scary as it sounds and may be the well deserved break you need.

I really hope you are feeling better soon xox

[newrae]

Hi tiredfighter,

I was wondering how this all turned out for you. I found this thread while searching pregnant and depressed. I'm currently feeling much like you were. I'm 12 weeks pregnant. I need some inspiration......

[helsbells]

Wondering if you have had bub yet, and how you are feeing? I was in exactly the same boat and also found it hard to find forums on this topic. Pregnancy definitely sucks and insommnia is one of the symptoms I had which just adds to the anxiety and depression. If it helps, I had bub and became free of the depression (I was put on meds at about 4 months pregnant). Very happy and love being mum! Bub is now 13 months. Let us know how you go....:hugs: