View Full Version : I can't seem to get over it.... WARNING: LONG
just her chameleon
Okay - i finally feel ready to talk about it. I had what I consider to be a terrible birthing experience.
My contractions began 5am tuesday morning. I was 4days overdue. My 11am they were coming thick and fast - about every 3-4 minutes lasting from 40 - 90 seconds. DH came home from work and took me to the hospital. I was 3-4cm. Because we live 1/2hr out of town, they didn't want to send me home. So we stayed at the hospital with me pacing around the ward. Thet kept dying off and coming back. Eventually the middy decided to check again (it was 7pm). She said I wasn't even 1cm and that she didn't understand how they could have thought I was 3-4cm :( I was sent home with false labour. For the next 2 days, I didn't sleep at all. I was having contractions at least every 20minutes, but generally they were 5-10min apart lasting anywhere from 30-120sec. I knew something wasn't quite right, I kept calling the hospital and telling them what was happening. They just said it was too soon, not regular enough. How long was I supposed to go on like this for? They wouldn't do anything.
OK - 5am thursday morning they became really regular and more intense so DH took me to the hospital. They put me on the CTG, and about 45mins later I had to go to the toilet. DH went to get the nurse and the rest is kind of a blur - i'm writing this from my own recollection and from what DH told me...
DD's heart rate dropped down to 50-60bpm. They wheeled me off to birthing suite. Then they couldn't pick her heart beat up at all. They decided to break my waters to put the fetal scalp electrode on her head. When they broke my waters they found old meconium in there - not fresh but old. They don't know how long she was distressed for...
Once they found the old meconium, the doc wanted to take some blood from her head to check on her. It took him 2 times to finally get the blood afterwhich they tested it for oxygen (I think) and then told me I needed to have a c-section immediately.
In theatre they offered me a spinal or general. I opted for the spinal, as a general scared the heck out of me. I didn't want to go completely under. Anyway, after they gave me the spinal I could still feel stuff down there (on my legs and stomach) The anaesthetist didn't know what to do. He told me they needed to get DD out straight away, so they would start to cut, and if I felt anything he had the mask ready to put me completely under :eek: Thank god I didn't feel anything.
I don't even remember hearing her first cry. Apparently she was born blue. She wasn't breathing for 2minutes. They had to suck all the meconium from her lungs and resucitate her :(.
If all this wasn't bad enough - my DH was grilled once we arrived back in the ward a few hrs later (i had trouble breathing from the spinal, so had to stay in recovery for a bit). They didn't put any tags on her in theatre, so they had to make certain she was our baby :eek: DH was grilled and questioned, 'Are you sure this is your baby? She hasn't left your sight?'' etc etc
I'm sick of people saying I should get over it... That the main thing is she is OK. Things could have been so different. She could of died. My baby wasn't breathing and then they didn't even put her tags on...
I honestly believe if they'd done something sooner when I was in labour, an emerg cs would have been avoided. I kept telling them something was wrong. But they just thought i didn't know what i was talking about.... I'm also now terrified of a VBAC because I handled the contractions so badly. I was exhausted (having not slept for 2days) and was so scared and worried about DD - I was screaming and absolutely hysterical in the birthing suite. I didn't cope at all. I was so scared. And my poor DH... I can't even imagine what he went through as he watched me screaming in pain :(
Sorry it's so long - I just need to get this out.
BTW - i thought it would help by just writing about it, but i'm sitting here shaking and crying. I wish it didn't bother me so much.
If anyones actually got time to read this post , and has been in a similar situation, could you please offer some advice on how to move on....
I havnt had any experiences but I wanted to send you heaps of hugs.:hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs:
I'm so sorry to hear about your experience :hugs::hugs: and as for people telling you to just get over it, how terribly insensitive of them :shame:
i wanted you to know that i didn't handle labour well at all, i screamed and couldn't settle, they had to jab me with pethadine when i was hoping for a purely natural birth... I can't really imagine what you're going through:hugs:
hi although its a bit different to your situation i had a very bad vaginal birth and my baby came out not breathing too.
i suggest you stop listening to anyone who tells you to get over it. and get some help.. i have been speaking to a psychologist. you can get a referral from a gp on the mental health plan to help with the costs.
ruby is 7months old and i am not "over it" the anger isnt with me as much but the pain will never go away.
im happy to give you all the support you want via pm.:hugs:
please take care
:hugs::hugs: I feel I still have some mild PTS after a very traumatic birth with my first child. After 4 years, some days I'm still not over it.
Don't let anyone tell you, that you need to get over it :shame: All I can say is that you will deal with this in your own time in your own way. There is no magical amount of time when you HAVE to be over it.:hugs::hugs:
Oh lovely :(
You didn't handle natural labour badly - what you were experiencing wasn't natural labour...it was a situation where your bub was in trouble....where you were fighting to get people to listen to you....Where they should have been taking care of you and not dismissing what you had to say :hugs:
You know, it really infuriates me when people tell a mum to 'get over' her birthing experience. Having a happy healthy baby IS important thing - yes, of cousre it is! BUT - its not the ONLY thing. Having a happy and healthy mum is just as important, because without you being happy and health - how can your bub be?
I would truly, TRULY recommend that you go and speak to your GP and ask for a referral to a psychologist. What you're feeling is valid, even normal given what you've been through - but I honestly believe that you need a place to be able to go and speak about it, start to understand it, and be in a place to begin to heal from it.:hugs:
hi, :iagree: , there is no magic timeframe for 'getting over'', any traumatic experience. If you feel you need to have professional guidence seek someone. You will find much support here, and lots of kind people with similar birth experience. Take care of yourself, and :hugs:. Time does heal, but it still takes time. love and hugs Marie.
I can't give you any advice or recount any of my own stories
i just wanted to give you a :hugs::hugs::hugs:
As all the other wonderful ladies have said, there isn't a timeline for when you have to be 'over' something that is traumatic for you.
But i hope that you find the strength that you need to help you move on from it all the same!!! :hugs:
I dont think you ever get over something like that. My DD2 wasnt a good experience either ( Diff to yours in alot of ways but some similar) and i still some days just want to scream.
I had a bad pregnancy, morning sickness all the way till the morning after i had her? The last 2 weeks to her due date, i was very sick, on 2 lots of antibiotics and not getting better, i went into very bad pre-labour for about 1 1/2 weeks, i was terrified of going into labour because i was so sick with severe asthma, anyway finally it was friday ( the pre labour had been gone for about a week), 3 days overdue, I was crying that morning that i was just so over everything ( had been in the hospital on wed, having her heart monitered because she wasnt moving and they said all was fine), that afternoon my waters broke and the were yukky coloured, i new straight away that she had been or was stressed.I hopped in the shower quickly and all of a sudden went into full on labour, (having to push or feel like it), my DP had the car all packed but i refused to get in it, i new something wasnt right, my mum decided to call the ambulance. Anyway they got there, decided we would be right to get to the hospital, 15 mins later i new she was coming and still awhile away from the hopsital. The ambo in the back with me had never delivered a baby and the driver couldnt pull over because of where we were. I had 2 pushes and her head came out, the young ambo was ylling that the cord was wrapped 3 times and he couldnt get it undone, i panicked ( my DD1 did this and took 3 mins to revive her) next push and i got her out, and when i looked all i saw was this lil blue bundle, not moving and no one there to help her ( the ambo was getting things ready ) IT all happened so quick but for that time until i screamed at the ambo telling him she was on the bed, i thought she dead, i thought i had lost her, 3 months on and it still brings tears. If i hadnt of followed that strange feeling and went in the ambulance we would have lost her.. I will never forget this and i will never try to have another baby,even though she is a BIG healthy girl, i will never get over that horrible feeling.
Sorry for such a long post but this is the first time i have actually gone :ecomcity: and boy did i need it...
Like others have said before me - we each have to "get over" these things in our own time. Some people just don't realise how deeply these things can affect us.
It is our own 'traumatic situation' and in our own way we all have to find a way to deal with our PTS - whether its clinically diagnosed or not, but thats how I felt after the birth of my son. And after reading some of the terrible, horrific accounts of what some women have experienced, I think I should consider my birth experience a walk in the park - but at the time, and especially for me, it wasn't.
My son will be 4 in March and I am expecting #2 in April 2009. I recently obtained my birth notes from the hospital and went through them with my new midwife - I bawled for nearly an hour with her - and this is nearly 4 years on:( A couple of days later my best friend asked me how I went with the middie and I bawled my eyes out to her too - this is really the first time I'd spoken to anyone about what happened and how it affected me.
It took a long time after the birth for me to stop hiding in the bathroom crying and I never really spoke to anyone in detail about my experience. Almost 4 years on I thought I had put it behind me, but after the past week (and sitting here typing this now :crying:) I realise I haven't completely.
I hope you can find someone to talk to - in Brisbane there is a place called 'birthtalk' - they might have some ideas similar service for whereever you are. Some Govt Health Services may also be able to refer you to local community groups that deal with traumatic birth support, or as others have suggested, try a referral from your GP.
:goodvibes: All the best! :goodvibes:
:hugs::hugs: to both of you (thth as well.) I have had 2 very traumatic births and it takes a long long time to get over them. My first my dd was delivered with the cord around her neck- she was blue and the resusc team was called. I ws lying there with them trying to revive her and I kept asking "is she ok, what's happening" and nobody would tell me a thing, the midwife kept trying to get me to push the placenta out and I was just sure she was dead- there was just silence as they worked on her until finally (finally and I'm crying as I write this and it was 7 years ago,) one of the rescus nurses said "she's pinking up," then a bit later there was a cry! Unfortunately after this I haemmoraged nearly to death but dd was fine- then the birth with my ds was horrific he came out fine but again I near bled to death and was catheterised and ended up in theatre. It took me a loooooong time to get over that birth, I ended up in councilling and I highly reccomend it because [you may have] post traumatic stress disorder- I had flashbacks, nightmares, cold sweats I was TERRIFIED of ever going through it again. You cannot just "get over it" you can try and eventually make peice with it but you may need help getting there. Know that you are not alone though, ok:hugs:
The health professionals involved in your birth really let you down.
You knew something wasn't right and they didn't listen.
They didn't tag your baby.WTF?
I can understand how you feel.
I would definately recommend counselling.
I would also recommend writing a letter to the hospital detailing your birth experience and your feelings about it.Send a copy to the head of the maternity section,the patient liason officer and the head of the hospital.
I wish you luck.I am sorry you didn't get the birth you deserved:hugs:
:hugs::hugs:OMG just read your post and then your age (i consider 21 a younge mum) and for anyone to go thru that makes me so sik to my stomache
I would also recommend writing a letter to the hospital detailing your birth experience and your feelings about it.Send a copy to the head of the maternity section,the patient liason officer and the head of the hospital.
I also recomend you do this and stating exactley how you feel and really let them have it. Your a mum and your instincts told you something was wrong and no amount of knowledge a midwife has, they have nothing over mothers instincts.
But thank god and YOURSELF you did the best possible thing and bought your baby into this world. Dont hold back anything and always talk about it I wouldnt b able to "get over it" as im a very emotional/not so stong person but to hold things in makes it that much worse and its such a relief for someone to take on board how you feel and just understand what your going thru:hugs::hugs::hugs:
We never really 'get over it' we learn to hang it somewhere in our hearts where it's not so heavy.
i was about a week overdue with dd and ended up with an emerrg c/s for foetal distress also. i really struggled for a long time to come to feel ok about what had happened and really got sick of the at least the baby was ok stuff. i know now that is what matters but its taken almost two years to not get cranky who anyone says that. i also really struggled with having a c/s as i really didn't want one and was really angered by all those mums that rant on about how magical their natural births were - i suppose i was just jealous. definitely look at seeing a pyschologist if you feel comfy to do so or at least your gp, i did and it really helped. it's a very terrifying experience and like any trauma it takes time to heal. take care and talk about it as much as you can. :flowerz:
hey- so sorry for your experience- and that the hospy didn't listen to you!
it's a good thing to process our painful experiences! people that tell you to get over it are just perpetuating the myth that birth doesn't matter..
it does matter what happens in our births- it does affect and transform our lives and it is worth grieving over
please PM me if you would like to talk or need some stratagies for working through your birth trauma
Now this may not be helpful.. It may be.. I don't know.
But honestly, it seems to me like you are trying to pressure yourself to let it go.
Please don't think that you have to just get over it or let it go.. It was a BIG experience.. One you didn't enjoy. :no:
A few things that other women have found helpful to make peace with their births are things like meeting with midwives or doctors at the hospital they birthed at to discuss WHY things happened and why it was necessary.
The knowledge of what happened and why often makes women feel a bit more secure in pinpointing the beginning reason for feeling the way they do and to arm themselves with knowledge for births later, if they choose to have other children.
This experience will be a part of you for the rest of your life, you don't have to get over it or forget it or even like it. But you do need to find a way to forgive yourself, to leave it behind.
It will never go away, but you CAN make peace with it.
Perhaps try to get a meeting at the hospital and see a counsellor who specialises in birth trauma.
It is more than okay to recognise that you are NOT happy with your birth experience and don't feel the need to put yourself down about it to ANYBODY.
just her chameleon
Thank you for all your replies... I've been thinking long and hard about how I want to deal with this. I've got to take DD to the doctor this Friday for her immunisations and my post birth checkup. So I'm going to ask for a referral to a psychologist and also ask him to get a copy of my labour/birth notes from the hospital. I'm hoping the notes will help me understand exactly what went wrong, and then I can start to move on...
Big hugs to you :hugs:
With regard to the referral to the psychologist, can I suggest that you make an additional (and specify long) appointment for yourself with your GP? Getting a referral to a psychologist is a bit different to getting a referral to any other health professional, in that the GP needs to get you to fill in 1 or 2 questionnaires, and also needs to complete what's known as a Mental Health Plan with you - this isn't as scary as it sounds, its basically just the doctor figuring out what the major areas of concern are for you (ie flashbacks from a traumatic birth) and how you're going to go about having them treated (ie counselling).
This process can take a while, which is why I say ask for a long appointment with your GP :)
Good luck :hugs:
La Que Sabe
:hugs:hey there MTC.
i too had a traumatic birth which ended in a c/s. my DD is 8 months and i still struggle with it.
i havn't really got any help for you, just i know how you feel. and i also got my birth records, while they didn't help me i would dfeinitely suggest it's a good idea as it may help you to understand more what happened.
like NCB said, you can't pressure your self into 'getting over it'. it'll happen intime, when you learn to accept it and work through every tiny detail. i know this, but i still haven't done it.
it's such a personal thing to do, and it's so hard. i think it's really good to talk talk talk and tlak more about it. talk to the doctors, tlak to the midwives, talk to your partner, talk to any body who was there.
personally i think i would find it hard talking to some one like a psychiatrist, just because they weren't there and they don't understand, and they don't know about the birth etc, but also it may help having some body to listen to you and talk you through your feelings.
i rang the hospitals counselling line, the lady there was useless. first she never called me back, so i rang her after a few days, and then she fobbed me off [she was really nice etho] saying things like, 'but in the end it's ok, because your baby and you are fine' well no i'm not fine otherwise i wouldn't be ringing you?? and just really hurtful things like that which didn't help me at all, so hopefully they're not all like that!!! :dizzy:
but if i can help you in any way, just talking about it, PM me, i know how it feels.
there wass omething else i wanted to say, but now i can't remmber what it was!! i'll come back if i remember. :hugs:
La Que Sabe
oh i remember what i was gonna say,i wanted to say that i hate it when people say 'as long asyour baby is fine' etc.
it can be a really hurtfull thing to say. i know they don't mean it because they can't understand the pain we go through, but it is a really soul crushing thing to say, as if your baby is all that matters and not the mother at all.
i know how it feels, and you don't need to tolerate it, let them know how you feel so they don;t do it again. :hugs::hugs:
You poor things, i feel so sad for you. i am training to be a midwife and i want to specialise in holistic births where the mum feels in control and comes away with a happy experence to remember. i was lucky with my bubbas, i just pushed 'em out and went back home! To often women are ignored by 'professionals' because 'it's your 1st, you don't know anything':no:. i feel that you know ur own body better than any1. Maybe next bub (yes i said never again too), get in touch with an independant midwife and have a look at birthing centres?
Hope you feel ok soon, its such a massive expirence anyway without all the trauma. Just look at your bubbys smile and know you did it all for them! (the best thing in the world :baby:) and BE PROUD OF YOURSELF!! you did such a good job. :flowerz:
:hugs: You poor luv, you had a really full on birth. I'm glad you're going to get some help - I hope it helps. I've also had 2 births end in fairly traumatic, unwanted c-sec and I too hate it when people say "at least the baby is ok" It really does diminish your feelings as I feel that birth is so much more than this.
If it helps, it is much easier the second time as you know what to expect. Of course the contractions hurt - as did the c-sec - but second time you know a lot more about being a mummy so it seems easier.
I found that during my second pregnancy, I got over a lot of the pain of my first birth planning a vbac, having great care from my midwives and talking lots about what sort of birth I wanted. Even though it ended in c-sec I was sooo much better afterwards and didn't cry at all!
I really hope you find some peace :goodvibes: Keep talking - we're all here to help each other
Your story is very similar to mine - except I never had a single contraction. I too had a hard time moving past my birth experience, and I highly recommend talking to a professional about how you feel.
I was lucky in that I was forced to talk to a social worker when the baby was only 6 weeks old, she helped me to identify why I felt so traumatised by the experience. For me, it was having my choices taken away, and being medicalised - instead of having the beautiful natural birth I had prepared for.
For you, it will probably be something different. Make sure that your professional has experience with birth trauma. I have heard that there is research into post traumatic stress disorder in post partum women - makes a lot more sense to me than post natal depression!
I sincerely hope you find some peace soon.
Hugs to you:hugs: I had a difficult birth with my DS and he was in distress and posterior - I was told nothing. Only when they hit the emergency button and there was suddenly 7 people rushing into the room that I got a clue there was something wrong! DS was in distress and had only a weak pulse when born. I dont remember hearing him cry at all, or seeing him in the first hour. What made my experience worse was that we were booted out of hospital 24 hours later only to be readmitted into the special care nursery by the home visit midwife because he was jaundiced. Anyway, it wasn't until the birth of my DD 18 months later that the trauma of DS birth really hit me and I had major panic issues which led to a second "traumatic birth" and postnatal depression. I would strongly encourage you to seek the help you need and give yourself some time - this is such a personal experience noone can tell you how to feel or that you should just "get over it". Time and talking it through helped me, all the best:)
:( Poor thing...
Lot's of love and hugs! xoxo
I'm so sorry about your bad experience. It is devastating to have this as your first birth experience.
My son's birth was really traumatic and i couldn't talk about it for almost 2 years without crying and feeling alone and misunderstood. I went to see a gp at 9 months and he asked me a whole lot of questions and i knew he was trying to find out if i was depressed. I was so afraid of being put on drugs and i wanted to work through it myself but i remember screaming inside, 'just please help me!'
I'm only writing about how i felt because maybe it strikes a chord with you.
I went through being (mostly silently) angry with my husband, the midwife, the OB, the staff, my friends who had recommended the clinic, myself, my son (basically anyone who had anything to do with the whole event).
Luckily, i have a fantastic ob/gyn who was also disappointed by the way things worked out and with the way i was treated by the midwife and other staff but it was over a year before i could even talk about it with him without crying. I was really scared about giving birth again and although people said it would be different, it's really hard to imagine if that's all you know. It has taken the birth of our daughter and the real joy of caring for her to truly get over our son's birth, to forgive myself and move on. There is still a small sadness in my heart when i think about it but i really feel like i have moved on from it and there is a great sense of being healed and in a healthy place.
I wish i had seen a psychologist but at the time it felt like i was being self-indulgent and i was just so angry and afraid of ruining my marriage. I was very confused.
I don't know what to say to you except that your feelings are not stupid and don't let anyone tell you to get over it.
Do you know anybody who can recommend a counsellor or midwife to talk with? You should talk about it. Talking helps.
A close friend who had a devastating birth story told me to write, just to get it out....i recently found these little notepads in a 'special place' and it made me realise how SAD i was.
This is added later - i remember now that i actually didn't log onto this forum for a very very long time ( i think that Art was about 9 months old), maybe a year because i knew that i wouldn't move on if i kept coming back...it was like it helped to come to terms with my grief in the beginning and being understood and it was a fantastic way of kick-starting a long process of acceptance but i needed to move away from it for a while and live in my real world. I had come to bubhub after the birth, not during the pregnancy so i guess it was something that i associated with a really painful, confusing time but it was a very useful tool at the time that i needed it.
Maybe not for you but that is one thing that helped me.
Take care of yourself.
Your daughter is beautiful.
I can completely sympathise. The hospital you went to is a disgrace, imagine not listening to you, and then not taggin bubby.
I feel that a mother knows her body, and knows whats best for her baby. I fight with midwives if they try and tell me everything is fine, when i think it is not.
Ive lost 3 babies, and each time I knew straight away that something wasn't right, which they told me I was being silly and the baby was fine, one nurse even told me I would kill the baby if I kept stressing about it, and when I lost my bub I felt it was my fault.
Basically the system failed you, and failed to help you when you needed it the most. That hurts, and no one has got the right to tell you to "get over it" any parent would... or I should say SHOULD understand how you feel.
I agree with people who have said to get help from a medical professional, although the maternal health system failed there are people out there who do care.
I would try getting in touch with your perinatal mental health team, through any child and family health member. These people are fantastic, understanding and can refer you to other services to help you.
I am in touch with them here, and the support I have had is amazing. All of medical staff are aware of my mental health issues (which are absoulutley nothing to be ashamed of) and understand that they have to listen to me, because I know my body. I would write a very strong complaint letter to the maternal co-ordinator of the hospital you went to.
Obviously there are huge concerns there if your baby nearly died due to their negligence.
If that doesn't work contact your local member of parliment, something needs to be done, just like you were terrified by that experience, other women may have gone through the same thing, and may not realise they have a voice....
However, you have that strength and a good oppurtunity to make things right, or at least try. It may also be theraputic for you, but I would definatley be looking into what community services you can use, and most of them are free.
Be strong sweetheart.
I've had two traumatic births (my second wasn't traumatic).
You are expecting too much of yourself - you have every right to feel the way you are feeling.
I still go back to the day of Beau's birth every now and then and he is 5 years old.
There is no easy way to "get over it". Its just over time and every time your baby smiles or reaches a milestone, you tend to think about your baby more than the birth of your baby.
I'm still upset about my 3 births which ended up in c/sections (2 emergency, 1 elective) but with every passing day I think less about it and more about my 3 beautiful children.
I did go to counselling for a long time to try and get over it and found talking did help and to recognise its ok to feel this way really helped too.
Who the heck is telling you to get over it? obviously someone who has never experienced a traumatic labour. That is just ridiculous. Of course its great that your little one is ok. But traumatic births can be extremely difficult to get over and even then you never forget. I am still terrified about having another baby after my experience. Writing down what happened is a step towards recovery I believe. I hope you find it helpful and thanks for sharing your story.
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