daycare complaint

[cjb/jbvd]

does anyone else feel like their daycare mum takes liberties with their child?

DS has been with his daycare mum for just about four months now.
yesterday my daycare mum mentioned co-sleeping with him, and it wasn't the first time either.
she puts him in clothes she buys for him, even though i send him over with at least two different outfits in case of bad/hot weather or getting really messy.
she started giving him little treats like small pieces of doughnut, biscuits (i don't let him eat sweets at home, i prefer he eats fruit or regular food) and even chooses to make up food for him sometimes instead of feeding him what i provide for her (i give her at least two jars of baby food every day to feed DS with). all without asking me about it........
she not so subtley hinted that DS should have mittens or a beanie now that it's really cold. but he hates things on his hands and head, he gets really cranky if we try and overdress him.
she also constantly brags about the fact that she gets him to sleep with cuddles and he goes down without a fuss for her every day.

am i just being oversensitive here?? shouldn't i be glad she takes such an active role in DS life? or should i say something about what i feel is overstepping the carer relationship? he's my son, not hers, but the way she acts sometimes anyone would think he was hers............

help me out guys, am i just being a jealous mum??

[Foxy]

Hi cjb/jbvd, I think anything you feel uneasy about is inappropraite, I would personally be very uncomfortable about a daycare mum co-sleeping with my child, and doing other things that you have not "authorised" eg, giving sweets etc.

No, I don't think you are being jealous, just a good, caring mum.

I would definatley speak to her! Good Luck. :)

[RedPanda]

I agree! If your instincts tell you something is not right, go with them! It sounds like she's overstepping boundaries. I think I'd feel the same way as you.

[shed]

She buys him clothes, makes his food specially, gives him treats, wants him to be warm and cuddles him to sleep?

Geez, wot a b*tch...

Give me her number, I could use someone like that for when bubby arrives.

[nicoleE]

i wouldnt be worried about the cuddles and love part of things as long as you are certain no form of abuse is going on..

I would be upset however about the handing out of sweets, have you made it clear in the past that he is not allowed sweets?

Perhaps give her a refresher about your no sweets rule, or find a type of treat that he is allowed occasionally that you can tell her he can have, such as a little packet of chips or lolly snake etc

[Veritas]

I would be slightly peeved if I had a set routine food wise for my child, that I had communicated to the carer, and they continually went against this....

I also think it strange that she would provide clothing when it is clear you have sent ample appropriate clothing with him....

I think her co-sleeping with your son is totally inappropriate, and I think you would find it would be totally against any rules/procedures she would be governed by if she is a registered carer....

Personally, unless I was doing something really wrong that is depriving or endangering the child, I don't think its anyones place to make judgement on your parenting, and her opinion shouldn't be so readily forced upon you unless you were to ask for advice!

[Me]

IMO i would be as uneasy about it as you. if you don't feel comfortable with it then it is overstepping the mark. it may just be that other mums in the past have felt comfortable with her way of daycare, but if you aren't then i would say something. you need to have 100% confidence in the person taking care of your ds.

[Nickster]

It sounds to me like she loves him very much - how lucky you are to have someone who obviously cares for your son so much when you are not able to be there.

Yet, as others have said, if you are not comfortable with anything she is doing, or your son seems unhappy with her methods, you need to define what it is and speak up now - he is still your child.

[Issey]

OMG:eek: Yes I would not be very happy about that. I wouldn't mind the clothes as long as they were given as a gift but not constantly changing bubs into the clothes she has bought. I am feeling like this carer is wishing your bubs is hers:confused: and abusing her role. I think co-sleeping with your bubs is totally wrong and so is giving food that you don't want bubs to have. That is not respecting what you have told her. I would probably look for another carer if that is at all possible but at the very least tell her again of your expectations.

[kylie80]

I also think the co sleeping is totally in appropriate. i would be telling her i am not comfortable with that at all. If she was a respectable care giver she will respect your wishes and understand where u are coming from.

[melbryan]

Does she only do this with you're child?? or does she not have any of her own?
My mum said my baby sitter used to do this to me and one day she went to collect me from her and she told my mum to come back I was sleeping that was the last time I went there. This lady sounds a bit obsessive over someone elses child. My childcarer knows her place as a carer and does love my child like the second mum she is but never has ever said anything to make me feel like I am not doing the right thing by my child even though I doubt myself sometimes. I could never do what she does and say to her how very thankful everyday for what she does for us and our family.

Your gut will tell you the right thing to do.

[arthursmum]

I also think the co sleeping is totally in appropriate. i would be telling her i am not comfortable with that at all. If she was a respectable care giver she will respect your wishes and understand where u are coming from.
She sounds a bit out there. It's your child and she should be doing things for your child the way you want them done or at least in a way that you are comfortable with.
She sounds quite insecure, actually. does she have kids of her own?
I don't think that you are being a jealous Mum at all- i think it's a good sign of your level-headedness just to ask the question- she sounds like she is totally overstepping the boundaries and you have every right to be concerned, especially about the co-sleeping.
hope things work out:thumbsup:

[SassyMummy]

She sounds weird and scary...kind of like Rebecca Demornay (spelling?) in THE HAND THAT ROCKS THE CRADLE...lol. (If you haven't seen it, a babysitter tries to take over the life of the mother...she even breastfeeds the baby!).

While it's nice that she cares about your child, I don't think it's appropriate for her to raise him in a way that you do not support. If you don't give him sweets - then she shouldn't either. It's not up to her about what he eats - it's up to you.

My mother worked as a Family Day Care provider when I was younger and she DID give the kids cuddles and had spare clothes at our house (just a few tracksuits and such in case they got dirty/cold etc)...but that's about as far as it went. If she gave them extra foods, it was fruit or something...and it was a platter for ALL kids to eat. It was nothing unhealthy. On their birthdays she would make them a cake - but that was a once-a-year type of thing. She also bought them birthday presents...but again, that was a special thing.

I think it's nice for a child carer to nurture your children, but only if you like it and in a way with which you agree. It's not their job to "play Mummy"...it's their job to feed them, put them to sleep, play with them while you can't do so yourself.

I'd seriously consider looking for childcare elsewhere if I were you.

[MissSparkle]

I think co-sleeping has TOTALLY pushed the boundaries. Giving sweets is jus abit disrespectful to u as u have chosen not to feed ur child those types of food.

I think u need to have a subtle talk to her about the requirements u have! U dont want a carer trying to take a motherly roll in ur childs life. Id feel exactly the same as u if i were in that position! Im lucky that my family daycare provider is willing to do whatever I do at home with DS to avoid interupting his routine.

[rynosmum]

Have you expressed your concerns on these topics to her in the past ?

If she is doing these things, has made you aware of it and you have never confronted her about it, she may just think you're happy with the situation. It sounds like she is telling you what is going on and is being honest about it, if she has never been told any different, how would she know that she is doing the wrong thing in your mind ?

As for making your DS fresh lunch, she may think that you appreciate the extra care and if she has the time to do it, might be just being thorough.

You refer to her purchasing clothes for DS. Do you mean new outfits every day or a new T-shirt every now and again that she thinks he might like ? Perhaps she puts him in these so as not to mess up the clothes you send over.

As for the co-sleeping, is this every day or every now and again ? Kids are so wonderfully cute. If she is looking after him, they are both tired, she gives him cuddles and sometimes falls asleep with him, innocently, can you blame her ?

I only say these things to highlight another point of view. My MIL looks after my son at my home twice a week whilst I work. She continually brings him lunch instead of what I have already made (she likes to share what she is having so they can 'picnic' so she brings extra), she brings him clothes and toys etc. I used to get frustrated with it but then realised that this person adored my son and was treating him with great respect with all of these things. If you trust her and she is good to him, then let it be. Too much love will never hurt a child.:hugs:

[Nickster]

What a beautiful reply, RM.:)

And to play devil's advocate again, at least she has been upfront with you regarding what she has done, and not been surreptitious about it all - you know, trying to hide what she's doing. Just talk to the lady - you might be able to salvage the situation.

[Fairyfloss]

I agree with rynosmum, have a chat to her, to make sure there are no misunderstandings, she sounds lovely, but suss at the same time. good luck:thumbsup:

[jessgray]

i agree co-sleeping is over stepping the line. and the clothes are they gifts? does she treat the other children this way? if its just your child i would be asking a few Questions about this too.
i get peeved when anyone feeds DS food i dont let him eat. i think if a parent has said their child isnt aloud sweets etc then the carer should respect that. and following a food routine is really important for later in life and especially for those with allergies.

[andrewsmum]

Wow, we're talking about a 6-7 month old baby eating doughnuts!! Gee, if you dont want your kid eating sweets at such a young age, then enforce the rule with your carer.

Especially with the co-sleeping, it's so not on, I don't think it's appropriate behaviour for a carer to do that. You can complain to her and ask her not to put him to sleep that way, you want him to learn to go to sleep on his own.

I don't feel comfortable with this carer, I'd look for a childcare centre to look after your child. There are some good ones in South West Sydney (especially around the Army region - where I'm from). PM me if you want details.

[little mermaid]

Mmmmm... Well I would be peeved about the treats part but if she cooks up fresh food for him instead of feedinding him jar food, I think that is nice. co- sleeping well I probably wouldnt be that happy either. If it was a friend or family member caring for him and co sleeping it would not bother me at all but not anyone else.