Do you have abetter relationship with your children than you did with your own mother

[supamumma]

Hi everyone,

I am writing a book on the journey of bonding between mothers and babies and would love some input from others mothers about the way they are parenting their children in comparison to their own experience of being parented.

Do you consciously set out to parent your children differently from the way that you yourself were parented eg are you striving to be more available, more affectionate, stricter, less strict, kinder, less abusive....

And if so, do you feel the quality of your relationship is different? As an example, I grew up in a family where there was no physical affection such as a hug or kiss and very little encouragement. I consciously chose to parent differently and as a result my kids are very cuddly and get constant praise. This has caused my own mother to reflect on how difficult this was for her and how different she sees me parent. There are times however, especially under stress , I find myself reverting to a more primitive part of me and I sound just like my mother!

I would love your stories (either here or by pm) and if you are happy for me to use them directly ( eg sourced as a quote from you with either your first name or username) that would be great. Please pm me or put a note at the bottom if you are not happy for me to use them. I'd still love to hear your thoughts!

Many many thanks

Leisa

[kylza]

My DS is only 7 months old, Both my dh & I are determined to have a better relationship with our children then we did with our parents.
I am going to strive to be their friend, someone they can turn to and someone they can trust.:hugs:
I know this doesn't help with your story but just made me feel better writing it.

[Grace3]

God yes!

[supamumma]

No, your story does help! even a few lines of someone sharing their commitment to parent differently, better, in a more loving way is helpful for me... thanks for posting so quickly!


Leisa

[moonblossom]

Sometimes, parents are very good at teaching us how NOT to parent LOL.

Definately yes, I parent different from my mother and father. I love them dearly, but they have always made it clear, that THEIR relationship comes before us and its been made very clear on many occasions.

My children do understand the concept of unconditional love, of spiritual awareness, of compassion, of love and understanding, tolerance and deversity.

My younger children know I always have time for a cuddle and kiss...that I will listen to them no matter what the situation. My adult children know I will stand by them, but their life is their own. Their decisions are theirs to stand by, and I wont be held accountable if they choose the wrong path, for who am I to say it was wrong? It was theirs, so it was the right one, for whatever reason.

I guide, but I do not dictate. I do not hit, but talk things through.

So ABSOLUTELY, I parent differently , THANK GOD.

[SuperGranny]

hi, i want to start by saying i had a wonderful relationship with my mother. We were very close, and always very affectionate. would never leave each other without a kiss gooodbye. and mum liked to start the day with a kiss hello. so we wouldnt fight, that is a joke because we never fought. I got married young, and moved out from home, and as life goes on, we didnt spend as much time with my mum, but what time we had was always good. When i became a mum, she was always supportive, sometimes overly so, but never in a bad interferring way. My kids thought she was funny, im not sure if they meant odd?? or humourous but they could always see how much I loved her. I think I have been raising my children along the same pattern. always love, sometimes discipline, always advice, not always listened to, always support. you are welcome to use this, and my signature gives you more details. Ps, my mum passed away 16 years ago, and I still miss her everyday. Marie.

[NibbleCurlynBub]

Yes. Definitely, yes.

I am very affectionate with my own children, probably because my mother (and father) were not very affectionate at all.
I take the time to listen to them (even though they are only toddlers) because I personally felt like I was not listened to or considered regarding decisions in my life.

I am taking a very different approach with their education than my own parent did and will (and already do) show my children respect and appreciation.

I don't know if there is anything there you would want to use, PM me to talk about it further if you would.

[floodprincess]

I chose to be just like my mother when it comes to parenting (although unlike my mum, I'm not a single SAHM). I had and still have the BEST relationship with mum; she is my best friend, my confidant, my rock and my biggest supporter. She was also my guiding light when things got rough and when I had lost my way.

She taught me to view the glass as half full and she taught me the value of an honest dollar and to follow your dreams!

She was fair in all her dealings with me and allowed me a disciplined but not controlled path to self-discovery.

I love her to bits, admire her and respect her....I would love nothign more than to have that relationship with my daughter (soon to be daughters)...

BTW - my relationship with mum is so good that we've just bought a house together! Mum gets the bedroom downstairs while DH, me & our kids are upstairs!

If you want to know more - please ask.

[NibbleCurlynBub]

I chose to be just like my mother when it comes to parenting (although unlike my mum, I'm not a single SAHM). I had and still have the BEST relationship with mum; she is my best friend, my confidant, my rock and my biggest supporter. She was also my guiding light when things got rough and when I had lost my way.
THIS is what I am striving for with my children. :yes:

[floodprincess]

I hope it works for you Nibble; I really do....

[Pax]

i hero worshipped my mother growing up as an adult we have had some issues though

i think i parent differently to her insofar as I am always very open and honest with my children about everything. they know i am human and what to expect from me is easy.

my mum is an enigma that i always aspired to be, the epitomy of what i considered a perfect woman and mother.

she had me fooled LOL...
I still adore her but as a human now.

[supamumma]

Thanks for your comments everyone...whilst I can't say that it has been my experience to have a mother that I can look up to and aspire to be like (I still love her in my own way iykwim), it is heartening to hear so many stories of women who have had positive relationships with their mothers and so have then strived to emulate that in their own parenting style. I would be so overjoyed if one day my own daughter did the same thing.

Whether you choose to parent very differently or similarly to your own mother, I'm interested in whether at any given time this was a conscious decision or something that 'just happened that way'.

Any thoughts?

Many thanks

Leisa

[Pax]

Thanks for your comments everyone...whilst I can't say that it has been my experience to have a mother that I can look up to and aspire to be like (I still love her in my own way iykwim), it is heartening to hear so many stories of women who have had positive relationships with their mothers and so have then strived to emulate that in their own parenting style. I would be so overjoyed if one day my own daughter did the same thing.

Whether you choose to parent very differently or similarly to your own mother, I'm interested in whether at any given time this was a conscious decision or something that 'just happened that way'.

Any thoughts?

Many thanks

Leisa


the only conscious decisions i make about being different to my mother is to



Nag less
lecture less
try to just listen to, rather than 'help', the kids with their friendship problems.
trust the children more
bigger meals, i was always hungry as a kid
i have to make myself be affectionate with the kids because my mother was never a physically affectionate person. i have had to learn to hug.
talk more to the kids rather than 'children should be seen and not heard'

[Lastcenturymum]

I think we all take stuff from our 'parented' experiences that have had what we perceive as negatives and vow to improve them and 'not make the same mistakes'. And then, I think our own children will do the same....!!

My mother tended to control what I wore till I was about 13-14...(well she paid for it!) and I vowed to not let my kids be the odd one out by what they wore..but then the probably though they were odd ones out cos we didn't let them watch just anything on tv and rang other parents to find out exactly what they were watching at 'DVD' nights.

I remember my mother getting angry easily (I could always tell, it was when her lipstick wore off:laughing:) and I though I wouldn't be like that..was I? probable a bit less, but a lot of it is in your personality.

I certainly think I had more fun with my kids and wasn't as 'dictatorial' as she. But then part of that was her upbringing and the post war generation. I don't believe in using control as a parent.

But I still had a good childhood generally and my dad was gentle and fun - it was a good balance and our kids tell us we are great parents and a good example and they can talk to us about anything :o:angel:

[chameleon]

I try to be LIKE my mother:goodvibes: She tried for 13 years to have me, and it was always clear that she put us (myself and my younger sister) first. She was always very patient, understanding and loving and would really go out of her way to give us opportunities. She also never treated us like we were just 'kids' and would take our opinions seriously and they always included us in decisions.
She ended up a widow and did such a great job at raising us on her own, despite the grief she must've gone through.

We are still very close and see each other often. She is just as crazy about my DD as she was about us (if not more!) I try my hardest to let DD know that she is also my world. I want her to have the same opportunities that we were given. I just hope our relationship is always as strong as mine with my own mother:fingerscrossed:

If you have any other questions feel free to PM me:)

[LizzardLover]

I parent differently than my parents did but then I am a single mum....

The main area I find myself differencing than my parents did is that I tend to include my daughter more in decision making and I do let her know about our family finances.

I grew up not really knowing that our family didnt have much money (which was a good thing I guess!!) but never being exposed to budgeting, saving etc...

As such I left home with NO financial skills whatsover and as such got into quite a bit of trouble.

My daughter already understands that we cant buy everything we "want" and that the "needs" have to come first.

She see's me using the calculator to add up the grocery shopping and has heard and seen me on the phone juggling bills that were due.

She's seen me saving for things and we've acheived goals together.