The worst Mothers Day Ever!!

[Sam143]

Hi Everyone,

I am looking for some strength and support - at the moment my world is falling apart and I can't believe that this is happening to me. After being let down on Saturday by my partner who was meant to take me shopping for a Mothers Day gift but his mates needed some help doing something else which took all day - and my mothers day gift took a back seat as everything for me and kids usually does. We had an argument and he hit me a number of times and then threatened to kill me. Nursing a number of bruises I made my way to the Police station tonight - he has been charged and removed from the house.

You see the thing is - I really love him - I have always loved him and I am so afraid that I will always love him. But how can someone who you love hurt you??

I don't get it!! It was not meant to be like this - we were going to be happy - he was the love of my life and I don't know if I will ever get over him.

Why did he have to ruin our family - our plans? Why?? When he use to tell me that he loved me?

My poor son - I adore him so much - I feel so sorry that I picked such a lousy father for him...

Can anyone offer any suggestion on how to mend my broken heart???

[Beany]

Love is a funny thing. We'll forgive the gravest of ills because we love someone or because they say they love us. We crave it so badly, and become so addicted to it when we're embroiled in it, that we can't see past the roses and candyfloss.

You, you poor thing, have seen past that though.

There's a song I heard that has stuck in my head for years with the simplicity of its message - sometimes love just ain't enough. It isn't enough to live in fear for the scraps of love you might get. It isn't enough to have the physical and emotional well-being of two people jeopardised because he claims to love you. If his claims were real, he wouldn't do it - he wouldn't have neglected you in the first place and he wouldn't have beaten the living daylights out of you in the second. Period.

You still love him and feel you'll never move on because you are still emotionally enmeshed in that situation. Close the lid on the relationship, break off all ties and you will heal - physically and emotionally. It will be tough but you will do it.

By the way, you deserve an awful lot of respect - you took the leap from abused to empowered :yelclap: You didn't fail your son - he has a mum he can be truly proud of.

[melfunction]

Everything Beany and Nattie said :yelclap:

[MumsieMel]

oh no.

So sorry, dont have much advice except stay strong! :hugs:

[ButterflyKisses]

:wave: Hello Sam143,

First of all :hugs: :hugs: to you and your bubby. I think you did a very brave thing by going to the police and having him removed from your house. Right now your feelings are probably all over the place thinking whether you did the right thing or not and whether involving the police has made things worse between you two or not. Believe me YOU DID THE RIGHT THING so don't ever regret it.

It sounds to me like this has not been the first time he has done this to you because it would be strange for him to just do it out of the blue like that. I may be wrong but I'd also say he was fuelled by alcohol which is absolutely no excuse and never ever accept it as such.

I lived in abusive de facto relationship which started about 6 months into it and I stayed with him for 7 years. Left 4 times and everytime he'd promise to change and stop drinking but after a couple of weeks the abuse would start again. I remember ringing my mum up crying the first time he was abusive and she said "the longer you stay the harder it will be to leave him". Well 6 1/2 yrs after that conversation and many in between I walked out the door for the last time.

I hung in and hung in with the relationship because I loved him so much and was under the delusion that he loved me. Looking back now from his side it was not love at all but a controlling power that he thought he had over me. I was waiting for the man that I first fell in love with to come back. I knew he was in there somewhere but he never returned so I had to get out before he pulled me down with him.

When I left I had never felt so worthless in all my life. I felt a complete failure. My self-esteem had fallen of the richter scale completely and it took all the support I could get to get back on my feet again. My family, friends, work mates helped me to see that I was a worthwhile and good person and did not deserve what he dished out to me. I put everything I had into my job and ended up getting a promotion with a huge pay increase and that was the start of my self-worth returning then 15 months later I met the love of my life. We have been together for 11 years, married nearly 8 and have a gorgeous little boy together. I have gone on from strength to strength and now I feel I am important I am somebody and most importantly I now have a little person who is totally and utterly relying on me.

I was lucky in the de facto relationship that we didn't have any children so it was obviously easier for me to finally get out. If I had of had a child I know that I would have gotten out a lot sooner because me taking abuse was one thing but subjecting a child to it is another.

PLEASE PLEASE if not for yourself but for the sake of your child do not take him back. Let him have time to himself to realise what he has done and what he is going to lose. If he truly loves you and it was a once off thing then he will change and get the help he needs. My guess is this is not the first time this has happened.

I wish you all the best in whatever you chose to do but please when making any decisions please think of your child before your own feelings of love and loss towards this guy. You can make it on your own. My mum was left a widow at the age of 25 with 5 little children to look after. She did it - she struggled but she did it. You can too. Put a higher price on your head than what you have on it now.

I hope you stay with Bub Hub because you will get a lot of advice and understanding from women who either have been in the same situation or not. It is a very supportive site and that's what you need at the moment. BE STRONG AND STAY STRONG.

Take care :hugs:

[SassyMummy]

I'm so glad to hear that you were strong enough to leave - if not for yourself than for your son. It takes an extremely strong woman and mother to do that, and for that you should be so proud.

I have never been physically abused, but I was once in a relationship filled with emotional abuse. While your partner has physically manipulated you into submission, mine used my emotions to do the same. I would stick with him because I felt in love with him and thought that it was my fault he was acting the way he was.

One day it occured to me that I wasn't IN LOVE with him AT ALL. I was, however, in love with how I had thought he was in the early stages of our relationship. While I'm certain he never was a "good guy", in the early stages of our time together I was so blown away by any nice words he sent my way that I thought he was wonderful. Everything he did that was slightly off and wrong, I would forgive and forget and just remember all of the NICE things he did. It got to the point where, so long as he said something nice to me, I would forgive EVERYTHING he had done to me and repeat his kind words over and over. This is where he got his power from, I believe.

My only advice is to not go back to him. No matter what. He may seem to have changed, but chances are he'll soon slip back into his old ways. Easier said than done, I know..but hold out, at least for your child.

Good luck, and good work for being so brave.

[Sam143]

:) Wow I am so grateful for all of your kind words of encouragement and advice. It makes a difference - I feel sad when I read your replies because this was not meant to happen to me - but also happy that complete strangers can give so much to each other when they really need it. Thank you everyone :hugs:

Today has been hard - I have gone through a number of stages where I feel strong and in control only to find myself the next minute crying uncontrollably as I think of another dream for my future I once had.

I feel like I am in a holding pattern, that I can't contact centre link to change my details or child support to make a claim - because I might wake up and this is all a bad dream :crying:. What do I say to the 110 guests (family and friends) who are coming in two weeks time to celebrate Sam's Baptism??

Being on maternity leave with no income has left me feeling very vulnerable!!

My ex's parents came to see me today - trying to make things better - offering everything from explanations to money. Apparently he has a history of domestic violence with his ex-wife. I am disappointed that they didn't tell me this before - but then I probably would not have listened.

I have a plan to get through - thanks to all of you wonderful advice I can now confirm:

1. I am never going back to him
2. My son and I deserve better
3. I am going to be ok - if you guys can do - I am sure that I can :)
4. I am staying with Bub Hub - I am feeling stronger already.

Thank you all once again!!!

[Giselle]

Like one of the other ladies mentioned, I have never been in a physically abusive relationship before (got slapped for yelling twice though) but I am, at this very moment, about to leave an Emotionally abusive one....I won't go into details as this is your thread and I am here to offer you support besides I have my own going and can't be bothered writing everything twice.....lol....

I don't know you and I don't know your idiot male but I will say this...

Do not take him back.
Do not believe anything he says.
Do not forgive him.
Stay on this forum because in 4 days I have been given more strength and emotional/mental support than I have had in the past 4 years and possibly my entire life, these phenomenal women will help to heal you.

As for what to tell your family and friends, that is up to you and it probably depends on the kind of relationship you have with them.

As for your in-laws not telling you what he really is, I know exactly how you feel.

I know exactly how you feel period, different type but still abuse....you are devastated (not sure I spelled that right), hurt, angry, betrayed, upset and feeling like you have been completely and utterly deceived and to top all that off, you have to be strong for your baby.....hurts bad, I know....I am so sorry that this sort of thing happens so much, I really feel for you love....

Just remember, you deserve better and you can do anything, even though it doesn't feel like it right now....I'm scared too....lets be brave....all of us in this type of situation....let's be brave.....*sniff*

PM if you need to talk....:hugs: :hugs: :hugs:

[Redeeming_Love]

Sometimes we fool ourselves into thinking that we still love a person, but what is there to love?
Sometimes it is just the security in knowing that we have someone, but what is that when he makes you unsafe?
Sometimes we hold onto the person we first met, but he isn't that now, is he?

I am so sorry for what you went thru, I have been there.
I rationalised and stayed and rationalised some more.
But in the end I had to leave.

You can do this hon :hugs:

[Ange&Seth]

I want to say :thumbsup: to you for being strong enough to leave. You have done the RIGHT THING for you and your son, and don't ever let anyone tell you differently. I was very pleased when i read your post about the resolutions you've made, and so glad that you have the same opinion of the ladies here as I do - they are full of support and encouragement, and are always here when you need them.

Please don't hesitate to PM me anytime. I've been told I'm a great listener and eventhough I haven't been in your situation, i can lend and ear (or in this case, eyes :laughing: ) and a 'virtual' never ending box of tissues.

Keep you chin up and know that we are here for you. :hugs: :hugs: Chic, and please stay strong.

[anlea]

I have been through something similar it went on for 15 years. I always thought I was intellegent and educated and could not understand why I was putting up with such mistreatment. I left with three children under 7years old. I left him 6 years ago and was involved with the local primary school womens auxillary??? this was my saving grace at the time. I had friends there for a few years and found talking to them and their support great. Over the years I have gotten stronger and stronger. I went back to work part time when the children went to school and eventually bought a house by myself(still struggling with finances) I had my ex go to counciling and I went to it myself. I personally didn't find this helpful, but it might help for you. I also had my children involved with councilling as witnessess of DV I was and still am afraqid they will become offenders or victims. I have had a couple of relationships that havn't worked out but am still looking for that person to share my life with. The unfortunate thing is that I still love my ex but cannot have him. My marriage was one of those first heart renching loves and I am afraid that I will never have that again. You will be tempted for years and even your ex will possibly try to win you back. Please don't. It is very important for you to stay strong and be your own person. A relationship is two ways, for both partners to compromise. I was recently engaged and cancelled the wedding two weeks before when I saw the pattern of the man being similar to my first but in different ways. I found that I had slowly done all of the compromising and he had done none. He had slowly turned from the man that gave me support took me out treated me good to a selfish high maintenance man that wanted someone to look after him. I already had three children and didn't need another. You must stop and look at yourself and listen to your friends when they tell you that you are changing. You will follow the paterns of your first marriage and end up compromising everything yourself again. Make sure that it is kept fair and equal. You will get there. Good luck.