Should I give him an ultimatum?

[SassyMummy]

DD sees her father irregularly. Usually overnight once a fortnight. So about 48 hours per month. Sometimes more, sometimes less. Usually less rather than more.

Anyway, it's affecting her negatively.

I never want to cut him out of her life, but seems to have a behavioural pattern that follows seeing him...

She's good after she sees him for a few days... but then once a week hits and she hasn't seen him again, she gets feral and crazy and acts out. Really lashes out at people.

I can imagine why - it would feel horrible to never know when you're going to see your father again... and to realise that he's not going to MAKE time for you.

His defense is that he doesn't always get 2 days in a row off. So? Come see her for a few hours on the day you DO have off. Come get her and take her to lunch and to a movie/the park/the pool/etc. Spend A FEW hours with her if it's all you have. It's better than seeing her for a few hours (and really, only 12 waking hours, if that) every 2 weeks.

I figure he should be saying to his boss, "Look, I have a child and I need to see her... so I NEED every 2nd weekend off, or I NEED 2 days in a row off to see her. It's my responsibility as a father, and I'd really appreciate it if you helped me by writing the roster up to help my fulfil that responsibility."

It's messing with her - I can see it in her behaviour and attitude, and some days she's just plain upset.

I'm getting all sorts of advice from people close to me IRL, but they're all kinda emotionally involved in the situation... so I'm coming here for advice from those of you who will not be affected by it either way.

Do you think I need to tell him to pull up his socks and start making time to see her weekly, and if he doesn't, he should seriously consider how it's affecting her, and perhaps leave her alone altogether?

I really don't want him to leave her alone altogether, but it's no good for her to only see him every so often... it's breaking my heart seeing how it's affecting her, and it's stressing me out having to deal with her when she hasn't seen him for a long time... her moods go up and down and so does her attitude and behaviour, dependant on whether or not she's seen him.

Sometimes, if she hasn't seen him for a while, she gets really bad... but then it eases off. Then she sees him, and then she's bad again... and it's just horrible.

So do you think I can give him that ultimatum? To step up and actually BE THERE for her, or bugger off? Is that fair?

[sunnyflower]

:hugs:Aww honey.

I really sympathise with you.

My ds does not see his dad at all.

He met him a few times when he was younger,now not at all.

I recently got in touch with fob sister to ask if fob would see my son-no reply.

I don't think that you can control when he sees your dd.He obviously is happy with the way things are.

What i would do is tell your dd that it will be a little while until she sees dad again so her expectations and chance to get dissapointed are not there.

By all means tell him he needs to show up regularly but i don't think you have the right to push him away,annoying though he might be.

Just tell yourself and her that we will only see dad once a month and then if he turns up more you will be pleasantly surprised.

I know it must be hard.

My ds is starting to talk about his dad .

[DoubleDelight]

Rather than issuing an ultimatum and having the relationship adversarial can you look at family mediation or family counselling. Perhaps a third party perspective can impress on him how important consistency and participation in her life are.

[polony]

My DD's dad used to be like that. I sat him down and told him that he really needed to pull his socks up otherwise I would have no option but to cut him out of her life. He used to carry on about how "he could do what he wanted" and that his life was important blah blah blah :ecomcity:

I used to get really really upset. Mainly for DD's sake.

But then once he realised I was serious, he pulled his head in and now he really makes an effort. And both he and DD are benefitting from it. That's all I ever wanted.

I think you need to give him that ultimatum. Your bubs can't be dragged through this cr@p that the father is giving. He really needs to toughen up and become a man and step up to the role of being a father!

Good luck and hopefully he sees that his life isn't as important as his childs!

[delirium]

Yep, I do think you should give him an ultimatum :yes: This isn't about you hating him or trying to make things hard. It shouldn't be all about you fitting around his partying and work, it should be about HER. It's about getting some stability and predictability in your DD's life.

I would tell him either he has regular access with her, or don't bother at all.

[Ana Gram]

I think you should sit down and discuss the issues with him and focus on the effect it is having on Chanel but I think am ultimatum could make things worse.

With the job thing, I know it sucks but many industries are behind in the idea of mutual responsibility with flexible hours for the father. It sucks I know, I am having the same issues with the ex and his work which apparently cannot be flexible. So when I go back to work, I have to find a job with flexibility morning and afternoon, school holidays and days when she is sick. Pretty pathetic but hard to battle.

[SassyMummy]

Thanks for the replies so far! :)

Yeah, it's not about my feelings about him. I actually don't really have any feelings about him EXCEPT when I think it's affecting my daughter. I don't give a cr*p what he does... it's just that it's affecting her so badly, and when she gets into that foul-mood thing when she hasn't seen him for a while, she starts to hurt the other little girl that spends a lot of time here... and she's just not happy.

I WANT her to have a father, I do. What I don't want is for her to have a father who thinks it's okay to flit in and out of her life whenever he pleases... because all it does is screw with her.

The majority of her bad behaviour seems to revolve around whether or not she's seen him.

I do tell her that she won't be seeing Daddy for a while... but I never know when she's going to see him until a few days before she does. Even then, she gets excited and he doesn't show up until it's the after lunch, by which time she's tired and cranky and sick of waiting (because she's been waiting since she got up at about 7am...).

She doesn't really understand long-running time frames. I can say, "after lunch" or whatever on the day he's coming and she understands that... but saying, "a couple of weeks," means nothing to her.

If she never saw him to begin with, if she never lived with him, it might be different. But she went from seeing him every day, to seeing him very very rarely... and that's a massive change.

[delirium]

:hugs: to both you and your DD. It must be really hard for you both.

[NewBeginnings]

I think before the ultimatum is given you should sit down with him and lay everything on the table.

He needs to realise his life should revolve around his daughter... and not hers around his iykwim. She should be top priority.

I'd be sitting down explaining to him how it is effecting her, and tell him that he needs to buck up, and that if things don't change... and for the better then you may have to look in to more extreme options!

I can only imagine how hard it is on Chanel and you! :hugs::hugs:

[SassyMummy]

His family live interstate (we're in Qld, they're in WA) and overseas... I'm sure they'd love to see her if they could! They seem to hold no ill feelings towards me.

But yeah, due to the distance, there's no way they could help out in that regard.

He'd probably abuse me if I did give him an ultimatum.

I'm not planning on doing it right away, if at all... I was thinking of writing him a letter and sending it in the post. I want to tell him how I believe this is all affecting DD and whatnot.

I REALLY WOULD like set days on which he'd have her... I hate having to wait and wait and wait to see when he can have her, and then get given about 3 days notice. It means it's difficult for me to plan ahead... either activities for me to do without her, or things to do with her.

I'd love to be able to be given one Friday or Saturday night free per fortnight (or even per month), but I know that, given his job (chef) it's unlikely.

I just want her to be able to see him weekly. I feel she deserves that.

I know she can be a bit of a feral even when it's not about him, but I have noticed the pattern... and a lot of it involves whether or not she's seen him recently.

[Areca]

No you shouldn't give an ultimatum. If he decides that he is going to stay out of her life and she grows out and finds out that her dad isn't in her life because you gave him an ultimatum it's going to affect her severely.

Explain to him how much it is affecting her, get a mediation or whatever is needed so that Chanel can see her dad more often.

I'm sure it's hard now but one day Chanel will grow up and she will be able to see both of you for who you truly are and she may choose to cut him out of her life. Don't be the reason her father isn't in her life.

[LizzardLover]

I think in general it's hard for kids when they see their dads no matter how frequent or infrequent those visits may be.

My DD is 6yo now and she's only ever seen her dad fortnightly - only for the day on the sunday.

She just saw him this sunday gone and Monday she was FERAL... Tuesday a bit better and today I have my beautiful daughter back ;) LOL

Maybe you can suggest to your ex that he pop in ONCE a week even just to take DD to the shops for ice cream or something or maybe he can make "wednesday night" his phone call night when he will call her every week - no excuses.

My DD has a calendar in her room we write her visits with dad down on and other special things, then we cross off each day. This has helped so much with her understanding of how long left until things. Maybe this would work with your DD too?

[KapowSchazam]

I think it's pretty 'normal' for the acting out, etc. That's why you hear all these statistics about how divorce/break ups affect kids negatively.

I believe it'll be far worse for her to have her Dad out of her life, no matter how bad it seems atm.

I would sit down and have a chat to him about the behaviour patterns you're seeing - even write down in a diary for a fortnight how her days go so he can see for himself.

My XDH is too stubborn and selfish to care about what impact he has on his daughter, and sees it as my problem when she acts out because of him, so if your ex is willing to change things a bit, for Chanel's sake, then she'll be miles ahead as she gets older.

Oh, and I love the calendar idea too ^^^^

[Issey]

my DS's behaviour always changes after a weekend (once fortnight visit) to his Dad's. I think this is normal behaviour for that age.:confused:

when DS misses his Dad I encourage him to draw Daddy a picture or he can telephone (well me telephone and put DS on) and he has a picture of Daddy in his room.

He often asks to see Daddy I tell him he is working away but he will see talk or whatever soon.

I don't think an ultimatium is a good idea, would be better to have a parenting order, although these are not full proof.