This isn't the kind of ideals I want to instill in our daughter!

[SassyMummy]

A few weeks back, DD told me that her Daddy had a gf - his room-mate.

I was a bit suprised, as I thought he'd take a while to find someone as he's shy and whatnot... but you know, they're living together, so it kinda makes sense that they'd get to know each other.

Anyway, I wasn't 100% sure, as DD might just be seeing that they live together and thinking they're together as a couple. I was talking about this to the bf, when in walks DD, overhears a tiny amount of the conversation (nothing negative was being said), and goes, "Daddy sleeps in ______'s bed."

Hmmmm...so I guess maybe they ARE together.

Anyway, not that it's any of my business, but I thought it was a bit rude of him not to let me know, as I was courteous enough to inform him that I was seeing someone, as I didn't want Chanel telling him stuff that confused him or whatever, and I just wanted to lay it out on the table from the get-go.

I thought that was fair. I didn't go into detail - I just let him know that there was someone in my life.

I guess I kinda expected the same.

Anyway, today, I asked him. He was picking up DD, and I said, "Hey, is ______ your girlfriend?"

He quickly said no, and so I said, "Oh, it's not that I care or worry or anything, it's just that Chanel said some things..."

"She's not my girlfriend..." (as in there was more to that sentence but he was unwilling to add to it).

"Oh okay then, it was just that Chanel said you were, and that you slept in her bed."

"Yeah, I do sometimes..."

I stopped there, as I didn't want to seem intrusive... but now I'm thinking that SURELY he won't just be sleeping in there... there's got to be at least SOMETHING going on.

And while DD's there.

I don't mind that he's probably having sex while DD's there (so long as she doesn't witness it), I have sex while DD's here (or else I'd never have sex! :p), but what bothers me is that she's around CASUAL sex. Sex not in a committed, loving relationship.

I'm all for an adults right to do whatever they want in regards to that... but I don't want my daughter to be raised in a way that suggests casual, non-commital sex is fine. Not that she knows what sex is, yet, but soon enough I'm sure she will, and I'd like for her to think it's something shared between loving partners.

It's a bit of a petty vent, but I'm just kind of annoyed tha he's doing it with her there. If they were in a relationship, it would be different. But as they're not... I dunno, it makes me feel icky that DD is around that.

[sunshine_kat_86]

Its a hard one, but you have to accept you X has his own life and he doesnt have to tell you about his gf, or what ever you call her
i've brocken up with my x husband and his on and of with many girls,. In the end i have to accept it, as man are man and they wanna try before they buy.
Of course you dont want this behavoiur around ur kid, but their nothing you can do, unless you have them full time. because their gona be night where he may jump into his room mate bed. Its very hard when you worry about ur little ones. But time does past and you learn to accept it.
Its a hard one, but maybe you can ask you X to not sleep with woman while your child over their and you do the same./
Im not sure what will work for you

[susmamma]

well you'll be pleased to know then that it is the same sex parent that has the most influence over the child.

so she'll take most of her cues from you.

however, and this is going to apply more and more to you, your control over what your ex does or doesnt do, ends at your front door.
(barring illegal activity, abuse etc).

for you sleeping around is a bad thing morally.
to someone else sleeping around without getting married is a bad thing morally.
to someone else neither of these things register on the morality scale.
we are all different.
your daughter will learn that, through witnessing you and by witnessing her father, through the way you teach and guide her, and she will eventually, one day, make her own decisions - irrespective of your values.

but either way, you cant control him, nor impose your choices. he's a free agent - and the faster you can accept that, the less pain you'll have.
i have watched my friend twist herself in knots because she can no longer control her ex's behaviour. honey, it's just so not worth it.
lead by example.
it's the best you can do.
:thumbsup:



t

[SassyMummy]

Thanks guys.

Couldn't really care less if he's having sex... but I dunno... I don't want her around it if there's nothing behind it.

I have sex with my boyfriend, of course, and she's always asleep in the next room... but I dunno, I guess the difference is there's a love behind it.

I'm not against casual sex... just don't think it's something I want to teach her is a good idea, and then have to deal with it when she's a teenager. I know she'll do whatever she wants anyway, but I'd at least like to TRY and do what I can to prevent it.

She obviously noticed it enough to mention it to us... and I just don't want to send mixed messages about what's okay, and what's not.

Bleh. Guess it's just another annoyance in having an ex you have a child with...:p

[SweetSerenity]

Unfortunately stacey there's not much you can do. I hated that ds was around girlfriends and not so serious girlfriends, but in the end there's not much i could do. We did make an agreement though that ds does not meet people who we are not in relationships with...so anything that did happen was always when ds was asleep and not around. We're both in relationships now though so we don't need to worry about that anymore...but really sex that happens at night when they're asleep is the same whether it's casual or not. The main thing is is that Chanel doesn't witness any of it, and i'm sure she'd tell you if she has lol :laughing: I know it's hard, but it's another hurdle you need to get past with having an ex in the picture all the time.