View Full Version : X husband took my dd without permission
Mums5Kids
26-10-2008, 15:35
And i havent heard from her all day he has a mental condition, and its not advised that my kids see him when he isnt taking his meds. She was outside and he just drove past and snatched her. I havent called the police or docs but im considering it. He withholds her from school doesnt even bother sending her and he lives with a woman that is a herion junkie shes on a metho program but she is as ruff as guts. Ive got 3 kids at home and im due for a bub in 3 weeks i dont need this added stress. She has a halloween disco on friday night which im considering not letting her go to because of the actions which she has taken. Or should i smack her to pull her into line? I dont usually smack as punishment any advice would be appericated
Lil Flower
26-10-2008, 15:39
I'm not sure how old your DD is or why you are punishing her but my first concern would be with her whereabouts and I would have called the police asap.
hayleylea
26-10-2008, 15:40
if someone 'snatched' my kid from out the front - x husband or not id be calling the police
I might have read it wrong but why should she be punished or 'smacked' if her dad snatched her from the front?
:hugs:what a horrible situation for you!
Mums5Kids
26-10-2008, 15:40
She's 8 and very attached to her father. I have court orders in place also
Chickadee
26-10-2008, 15:41
If you have an access agreement in place and this is not part of the agreement, then phone the police.
How old is your DD? If she called him and asked for him to come get her, then fair enough, don't let her go to the disco. If her dad has taken her then I don't think you should be punishing her.
ETA - ok, at 8 I don't think she should be punished. Even if she got in the car willingly. Any 8 year old offered a ride or visit with dad would probably take it, regardless of court orders. It's your X that I'd be blaming.
hayleylea
26-10-2008, 15:41
if you have court orders in place more the reason to call the police...
Lil Flower
26-10-2008, 15:42
So why do you want to punish her if he has 'snatched' her?
I'd be calling the police, she could be in danger.
If you have an access agreement in place and this is not part of the agreement, then phone the police.
How old is your DD? If she called him and asked for him to come get her, then fair enough, don't let her go to the disco. If her dad has taken her then I don't think you should be punishing her.
ETA - ok, at 8 I don't think she should be punished. Even if she got in the car willingly. Any 8 year old offered a ride or visit with dad would probably take it, regardless of court orders. It's your X that I'd be blaming.
Totally agree.
WorkingClassMum
26-10-2008, 15:54
If you don't call the police then you are in fact agreeing with his current custody/access with his daughter.
Smacking your daughter wont fix what ever else is going on.
You can only punish her for actions that she has done.
If she rang her Dad against your express direction and she ran off with him in order to aggrieve you - then yes a punishment is in order and yes the disco is a good place to start
In the mean time - ring the cops!
cocobambino
26-10-2008, 16:03
OMG:eek:
call the cops immediatly.
I hope she comes home soon:hugs:
StrawberryTheMilkshake
26-10-2008, 16:09
Ive pm'ed you :wave:
It is not your daughters fault..
Bunnyhugs
26-10-2008, 17:08
If you have an access agreement in place and this is not part of the agreement, then phone the police.
How old is your DD? If she called him and asked for him to come get her, then fair enough, don't let her go to the disco. If her dad has taken her then I don't think you should be punishing her.
ETA - ok, at 8 I don't think she should be punished. Even if she got in the car willingly. Any 8 year old offered a ride or visit with dad would probably take it, regardless of court orders. It's your X that I'd be blaming.
:iagree: and call the cops!!
I think you should have called the police right away. Father or not he had no right to snatch her out of the front yard and if there are court orders in place all the more reason to be calling the police. Especially if he has a mental condition.
baileysmum05
26-10-2008, 20:50
Like the other ladies said - Your DD shouldnt be punished for her dad's actions
I would've called the police as soon as it happened - to be honest and im not in your situation so please dont think that im judging you or anything like that but if my son had just been snatched by my ex out the front of my house the last thing i would be doing would be posting on Bub Hub - but i am me and you are you - and this may have been a stress release for you - so im sorry if I offended with anything i said was not my intention!
I hope she comes homes soon - and maybe letting family courts know of your ex husbands actions today - so that its noted for the future!!!
:hugs: sorry you are having a rough time with your ex so close to giving birth to the new bub - hope things get better for you
Are you sure her dad has her???
Call the police! He broke the law and her wont learn not to if he doesnt get punished.
I hope you can sort this out and your daughter is returned safe.
miloand4
26-10-2008, 21:00
Can I just ask How do you know it was him that took her??
And if you are sure regardless you should still call the police He does not have custody therefore this is kidnapping and he will do it again if he thinks he can do it just once.
Why would you punish your little girl If dad comes and says hop in the car as a child it is doubtfull you would say no. She has not done anything wrong. :no:
I hope she comes home safe and sound to you
our little treasures
26-10-2008, 21:22
If you have an access agreement in place and this is not part of the agreement, then phone the police.
How old is your DD? If she called him and asked for him to come get her, then fair enough, don't let her go to the disco. If her dad has taken her then I don't think you should be punishing her.
ETA - ok, at 8 I don't think she should be punished. Even if she got in the car willingly. Any 8 year old offered a ride or visit with dad would probably take it, regardless of court orders. It's your X that I'd be blaming.
:iagree::iagree::iagree:
If someone just took my daughter without permission I would have called the police!!
I am at a loss at why you would not call the police on your X but want to punish your daughter:confused:
LilShenanigans
26-10-2008, 21:29
Im a little lost as well, not calling the cops on an ex without permission, a mental disorder and a few other issues as Ive seen from previous posts.
And if sure your ex took her, then you saw that? Otherwise, how can you be sure?
For the love of god, call the cops
cinnamonbear
26-10-2008, 21:33
i would be calling the police right away
but i dont see why u are punishing your daughter.
you x is in the wrong not the innocent 8 yr old!
grass is always greener
26-10-2008, 22:02
Any news hun? I hope that she is back in your care.
You need to report this to the police. This needs to be documented to help prevent this from happening again.
RE smacking: i dont think you should smack her, but try to talk to her, also if she has done something wrong then i think you should take a privilegde away from her, such as the disco.
StrawberryTheMilkshake
27-10-2008, 07:22
Any news? Is she ok?
Any news? Is she ok?
Gosh I hope so!!
FishFace
27-10-2008, 07:29
Please dont punish your daughter.
She is stuck in the middle and cant be held accountable.
Calll the police.
How is everything today? Did your daughter come back home last night?? Hope everything is ok!
Mums5Kids
27-10-2008, 08:27
How is everything today? Did your daughter come back home last night?? Hope everything is ok!
The police wont help, this has happened on more then one occassion. They keep telling me it is not a police matter it is a federal police matter, therefore i have to go to the courts and get a recovery order and then that could take time i wouldnt get her back right away. He said that he got the kids a phone as his way of communicating with him but he can never get through ( my mum has been the mediator between us) and i said that its not my phone and im not making sure the thing is charged. He said he cant have them during the school holidays or the weekends when he is supposed to because f work commitments. Well thats not my problem. I manage to work, organise my kids and manage the house, therefore he wants to take them during the week which in the orders says no his not allowed to because it interferrs with their schooling. He called my son a fkwit and a pussy and just took my dd without the other 2 and spent money on her without the others. My kids are having counselling over this mess. She showed up here this morning in his flatmates clothes ( she is a herion junkie) and rushed around getting ready for school. She's ok but i havent had a proper chance to talk to her yet because she's at school.
I was going to punish her because friday night i explained why she couldnt go to see him due to his medical issues and not taking his meds and then the following morning she went to the neighbours house and rang him and he came and got her but she didnt ask me or tell me where she was going or even call to say where she was. Therfore she went behind my back when i said no about seeing her father and organised contact anyway.
Firstly I am glad that she is home safe.
But if it were me even with the child calling the dad. He knows that he is not to have them during the week. I would be taking it to the courts and getting it resettled. If it is doing harm that badly to the kids that they have to go to counselling for it then something needs to change.
In regards to her going behind your back yeah I do think that she needs to be punished for it and if that is her not being allowed to go to the disco then so be it.
JustJettAndMum
27-10-2008, 08:55
When my DS's father threatened to take my DS from my parents house while i was away i phone the police straight away to report it, They said if he did do it, that they would personally take me and a family member to where ever they were and recover my DS. He would be in my care and an order would be placed on my EX untill we had a court hearing. And this was just the local police station. And we dont have court orders in place, and he has no mental illness's. I would be making a complaint to your police station about the lack of help you recieved. If you ever feel as tho your children are in the care of someone who could potentially not be able to look after them properly, the police will go and collect them.
Im glad shes home. and i really hope this all gets sorted before it gets to full on.
Good luck!
I am sorry to hear about what's happening Mums5kids. It sounds very difficult and stressful on all of you - and probably the last thing you need when you are about to be welcoming a new bub into the world so should just be able to focus on the joy and happiness of that with your kids.
I do think you need to have a chat to your DD - but perhaps if you can, try and find out why she went and called your Ex despite you already talking to her about it - and perhaps seeing if she understands exactly how serious his illness is. There is an association called ARAFMI - it is the Association for Relatives and Friends of the Mentally Ill. Perhaps they might have some tips for you and your children.
Good luck with everything - I do hope it gets sorted out for you all soon.
SuperGranny
27-10-2008, 15:55
im sorry if im a bit off topic, but what on earth are the children being allowed to contact , the father with mental issues, and he is living with a heroin addict. Surely the departmant of children services, cant be allowing this to be the case. Even if he had supervised visiting rights, what is the risk with the heroin addicted housemate??? I sorry but there would be no way on earth that this father should be allowed to see these children. What harm is he doing to them, I would be scared to think.
kezzaskids
27-10-2008, 16:16
Im thinking the 8 year old must have had a reasin to want to see her dad and that is the main issue. Unsupervised access is obviously not a good thing so maybe if regular supervised access through anglicare or some other agency is aranged for her she might feel better about it. The agency would be holding the father to his agreement and the mum and the dad wouldnt have to see each other at all and the visits would be safe and supervised.
Hi Ive been lurking for some while on bubhub and never had the guts to post, so :wave:!!
But I just had to reply to this as Im in a similar simutaion and it irks me of the naiveness of most of the community in regards to custody, court orders etc... I suppose if you have never had anything to do with them, you really couldnt know buts it so hurtful to the OP when everyone is telling her to call the police, let me tell you, like she has already said too, THE POLICE WILL DO NOTHING. It is pointless when everyone is making her feel so bad for being a "bad" mum cause she hasnt called the police, when she knows they wont even be interested.
To say that the police at the local police would go and take the child is not true. They do not have those powers. Only the Federal police do and these must be appointed through the courts with a recovery order.
Also, just because the father is on meds, has issues etc... HE IS STILL THE FATHER, and no court will not allow access for these reasons. Im not sticking up for him, I just know how the courts work, and he would have to be abusing the kids before they would restrict access and even then it would probably be supervised.
So, please before you all say "Call the police" (making it seem such an easy thing to do and this will solve all the OP's problems), just know that they do jack when it comes to court orders.
Dont mean to offend, just want to explain, as this has happened to me when people around me say "Oh, just call the police" thinking thats the answer, its not. It hurts because it makes us feel like we dont care, when we obviously do.
Hi Ive been lurking for some while on bubhub and never had the guts to post, so :wave:!!
But I just had to reply to this as Im in a similar simutaion and it irks me of the naiveness of most of the community in regards to custody, court orders etc... I suppose if you have never had anything to do with them, you really couldnt know buts it so hurtful to the OP when everyone is telling her to call the police, let me tell you, like she has already said too, THE POLICE WILL DO NOTHING. It is pointless when everyone is making her feel so bad for being a "bad" mum cause she hasnt called the police, when she knows they wont even be interested.
To say that the police at the local police would go and take the child is not true. They do not have those powers. Only the Federal police do and these must be appointed through the courts with a recovery order.
Also, just because the father is on meds, has issues etc... HE IS STILL THE FATHER, and no court will not allow access for these reasons. Im not sticking up for him, I just know how the courts work, and he would have to be abusing the kids before they would restrict access and even then it would probably be supervised.
So, please before you all say "Call the police" (making it seem such an easy thing to do and this will solve all the OP's problems), just know that they do jack when it comes to court orders.
Dont mean to offend, just want to explain, as this has happened to me when people around me say "Oh, just call the police" thinking thats the answer, its not. It hurts because it makes us feel like we dont care, when we obviously do.I am sorry but yes I am in a similar situation and I know for a fact that if my ex took my children without my permission then they WILL go and get them back asap. Calling the police IS the answer. Th op stated her ex has a mental illness and is not taking meds he should be. Also she was concerned that the roommate is a junkie HELLO call the police. She is a child....Not a book he borrowed.
our little treasures
28-10-2008, 10:33
Im thinking the 8 year old must have had a reasin to want to see her dad and that is the main issue. Unsupervised access is obviously not a good thing so maybe if regular supervised access through anglicare or some other agency is aranged for her she might feel better about it. The agency would be holding the father to his agreement and the mum and the dad wouldnt have to see each other at all and the visits would be safe and supervised.
:iagree:
Hi Ive been lurking for some while on bubhub and never had the guts to post, so :wave:!!
But I just had to reply to this as Im in a similar simutaion and it irks me of the naiveness of most of the community in regards to custody, court orders etc... I suppose if you have never had anything to do with them, you really couldnt know buts it so hurtful to the OP when everyone is telling her to call the police, let me tell you, like she has already said too, THE POLICE WILL DO NOTHING. It is pointless when everyone is making her feel so bad for being a "bad" mum cause she hasnt called the police, when she knows they wont even be interested.
To say that the police at the local police would go and take the child is not true. They do not have those powers. Only the Federal police do and these must be appointed through the courts with a recovery order.
Also, just because the father is on meds, has issues etc... HE IS STILL THE FATHER, and no court will not allow access for these reasons. Im not sticking up for him, I just know how the courts work, and he would have to be abusing the kids before they would restrict access and even then it would probably be supervised.
So, please before you all say "Call the police" (making it seem such an easy thing to do and this will solve all the OP's problems), just know that they do jack when it comes to court orders.
Dont mean to offend, just want to explain, as this has happened to me when people around me say "Oh, just call the police" thinking thats the answer, its not. It hurts because it makes us feel like we dont care, when we obviously do.
Actually a friend had her children taken from her and the police DID go and get them back!
The problem I have is that you have done nothing to stop your ex from doing it again:confused: You keep going on about his 'mental issues' but you have just allowed him to do what he wants. don't understand why you haven't reported it!!
Yes talk to your daughter but the father is 100% wrong if he knew he wasn't suppose to have her.
vespertine
28-10-2008, 11:32
I really don't think punishing your daughter is the right way to go about things. She is caught in the middle of you and her dad, and probably confused. She loves both of you, but probably feels insecure because of the tension between you two. Although you may not bad mouth your ex partner to your daughter, or in front of her, who knows what he's saying to her about you? Bitter exes often use their children as pawns, they seek revenge and can use the children as tools to exact it. Your daughter is the one who will probably end up the most hurt when this saga all comes to a finale, it sounds like she has little stability at the moment (with Dad coming and going, and all the secrecy) so punishing her is only going to make her feel rejected, angry, and more susceptable to manipulation from your ex. Try just talking to her, in a calm environment, when the other kids are busy playing. Tell her that you love her, and just want her to be safe and happy, and that you worry for her safety when she is with her Dad on unplanned visits. Empathise with her, tell her her feelings a valid, you understand she is probably confused. Assure her you don't want to cut her Dad from her life completely, but it's important that visits are planned and discussed before hand (and supervised if need be).
I am a child from a broken relationship, and my father used me as a pawn in his own agenda. As a grown woman with my own children, it still hurts. I used to return home from holidays with my Dad, only to get into trouble for ''acting differently'', but for the whole holiday he'd been earbashing me with manipulative stories, and bribing me to prefer him over my Mum by buying me things. If anything, your daughter needs you support, patience and unconditional love right now, not punishments. He probably seems like the cool guy at the moment, and you just seem like the bossy ruiner of fun. Your daughter will mature to a point where eventually she will see through her Dad's tactics, but until then, keep nurturing her and listening to her, and try not to enforce an authoritarian approach because my feeling is she will only slip further away from you.
Perhaps there is different experiences on what the police will or won't do due to different states. Perhaps before outright saying that what someone else has said is untrue, we need to take state laws into account too.
pinkvanilla
28-10-2008, 13:33
Glad she is home safe!
Perhaps there is different experiences on what the police will or won't do due to different states. Perhaps before outright saying that what someone else has said is untrue, we need to take state laws into account too.
:iagree:
Every state has its own Police powers and responsibilities legislation and regulations. What may be allowed in one state may not in another. Then there's always the possibility that sometimes the police act outside their authority. Its not unheard of for them to do things they aren't supposed to.
Evidently, different people have had different experiences. But I do think Pink4me has a valid point that its not helpful to tell the OP to 'just call the police' when she says she's already done that and they refuse to help.
Sorry I know I came across very rude, but legally he has broken orders and committed a crime. They have to do something.
I really don't think punishing your daughter is the right way to go about things. She is caught in the middle of you and her dad, and probably confused. She loves both of you, but probably feels insecure because of the tension between you two. Although you may not bad mouth your ex partner to your daughter, or in front of her, who knows what he's saying to her about you? Bitter exes often use their children as pawns, they seek revenge and can use the children as tools to exact it. Your daughter is the one who will probably end up the most hurt when this saga all comes to a finale, it sounds like she has little stability at the moment (with Dad coming and going, and all the secrecy) so punishing her is only going to make her feel rejected, angry, and more susceptable to manipulation from your ex. Try just talking to her, in a calm environment, when the other kids are busy playing. Tell her that you love her, and just want her to be safe and happy, and that you worry for her safety when she is with her Dad on unplanned visits. Empathise with her, tell her her feelings a valid, you understand she is probably confused. Assure her you don't want to cut her Dad from her life completely, but it's important that visits are planned and discussed before hand (and supervised if need be).
:iagree:
Stopping her from going to a concert isn't going to solve the big issue here. This is a little girl who is obviously desperately missing her father.
My DH went off with his dad in the middle of the night when he was 8 years old. He went with his older brother. DH lived with his dad for two years. All DH says of it is that he was young and had no idea what impact that would have on his mother. He wasn't thinking....he was eight and he missed his dad and wanted to be where his brother was so he went.
Eight year olds don't fully understand. They are not adults. Take the time to discuss this properly with your daughter, listen to what she needs for her life. It must be such a confusing time for her.
Sorry I know I came across very rude, but legally he has broken orders and committed a crime. They have to do something.
I agree totally, and no you are not rude, I think when it comes to matters of the heart concerning our children, we just have to say something.
I know in my case (i live in nsw) the local police will not even be interested unless they are in immediate harm. (Even immediate harm is a "grey" area) When my ex breaches the court orders and takes the kids when its not his week, i go to the police, file a report, they go to his house, the kids say they are happy to stay and the police leave. This is the extent of all they have the power to do.
The next step is getting a recovery order from the courts, takes a day to do and the FEDERAL police basically can storm in, break down doors and take the kids, no questions asked.
Filing a contravention breach at the courts is the next step and a few of these against him, the penalties get heavier each time with the 1st offence getting a stern talking to... a few more times and time in jail is a serious option.
Local police in NSW do not have the jurisdiction to go and get kids that are a part of a Family Court order - Family court is under federal law, not local. Hope this helps anyone in the same situation.
I have been through all of this and more and am at present going again to court to change the orders to full custody as he has contravened them so mnay times. Fingers crossed i get them. No man is going to steal the babies I carried and nutured in my body for 9 months and then pushed them out into this world.
I too have been through all this with my step children. The Mother was not allowed to have her boyfriend around when she had access to her children as he is a dangerous man and had threatened to kill the children when they were in her custody. He had also bashed the oldest boy and physically abused their Mother in front of the children many times in the past. We would hear through the children that he was always there on their visits and once one of the kids rang us up to tell us that her boyfriend was going off his nut while they were there. We rang the police and they wouldn't go around to check things out or anything. Other times she refused to bring them back after a weekend and the police wouldn't have anything to do with it. We ended up going back to court and the Judge wasn't worried about her not returning the children he just said "you can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink it!" Also they said if the boyfriend did a anger management course he was allowed to see the children. Thankfully he is no longer with the Mother so that is not an issue anymore. But the courts are so frustrating.
shaniaap8jh
29-10-2008, 22:14
:yes:Call the cops now!!!
Better safe than sorry.:smiliedance:
My ex stole my kids yonks ago till today I'm cut off from them. Don't be a fool like myself.
The earlier you sort it out the better the outcome. Yes, she loves him vs. but if he is not well he might cause undue :hair:.
shaniaap8jh
29-10-2008, 22:22
:iagree:call the cops ASAP!!!
Thanks to all :angel:- I too feel it is best she nips it in the *** before it turns into an undue drama. Yes, the legal system can be a real :hair:. No bull, I just don't want this family to join (my)the cut off mum club. Now I just can wait till my children come home as adults.
Take care - you are strong enough to do the right thing by your family.
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