Waiting a Long Time in Between...

[SassyMummy]

My DD is currently 9.5 months old, and I'm 20. DP is 21. I'm a SAHM, he works as an apprentice chef at a posh restaurant. (Just getting the stats out of the way).

I have decided to wait until I'm about 29-30 before having another baby (I had DD at 19). Financially I'm not ready to have another child. DD was not planned and therefore there was no money to back us up when I discovered I was pregnant...so my whole pregnancy was very financially difficult. My WONDEFUL mother paid for SO MANY THINGS and we could afford only very basic things. Luckily, Centrelink can help me out for now...but I don't want to have ANOTHER child and be on Centrelink...I'd rather do it for myself next time round.

Also - emotionally, I don't want to have another one. I think my DD deserves to be the centre of my world...she deserves 100% of me as her mother, and I don't think she should have to share me at all. Only with DP of course - but that's different...I don't have to feed/change him etc (though I'm sure he'd love it if i did...lol). DP also DOES NOT want to have another child ANY TIME soon (if at all...I'll have to work on that one).

We're both young and we haven't really had much of a chance to BE YOUNG and so IMO, having a child in about 10 years would benefit us in many ways. We can save up, work towards a career and just be a small family. Maybe we can even buy a house between now and then...who knows.

When I told my Grandmother, she told me off and told me I was crazy and being unfair to DD. I know she's a grandmother and therefore old fashioned, but that doesn't mean that what she was saying was WRONG.

According to her, I'll be depriving Chanel (DD) of a playmate, of a friend. She also suggested that, growing up as an only child for the first 10 years of her life will make her spoilt and more grown up than a girl of her age should be.

I worry that I MAY be being unfair. I also wonder what impact it will have on her when I actually DO have another baby (ideally 10 years time).

Has anyone had such a signifigant age gap before? How do older kids cope with it?

I'm not going to have a baby any time soon because I DO NOT WANT TO and it just wouldn't work for us as a family, but I'm wondering if I may be putting it off too late.

I do feel lucky that I am young enough that I CAN put it off for that long (first time mothers at 35 sometimes don't have that luxury)...but should I have another in say...5 years instead? I don't want to negatively impact DD.

[whatwasithinking]

You are a very smart young lady - thinking about the future of any further children - wish there were more people like you in thie world.

You seem to have your head on straight.

I;d say what you are thinking is great and noone should tell you any different!!

Good luck to you and big :hugs:

[CJJHRA]

well heres what I would do, I would have one more soon, yes you say you dont want to be on centrelink payments, that I do understand. But why I say I would have another one soon, is that in a couple of years I can then go out and work, and continue working from then on, rather than go out to work now, stop work for anther baby, then possibly return to work, its to stop start kind of thing. I would prefer to have my kids young, and by time I was older, I can have my fun then kinda.

Obviously, its your choice though, and do what you feel right for you and your family.

[MumsieMel]

Wait and see......
No need to decide right now

[melbryan]

I think children tend to cope with whatever their parents choose. I don't think anyone can choose the future whatever will be will be and they and you will deal with it. I feel like I am the opposite. Having had children later in life and now trying to rush them out I want three before I start having trouble. Personally my body is not very fertile so that will be a choice you will make for your own circumstances. You may feel that your child wants you only and is a joy to be around but my little boy needs someone because he is such a handful and he really needs to learn to share his parents with another sibling as he is the centre of our worlds. Our new addition will be a good thing for him I am sure he will make a good big brother and they will be two years apart. My only wish is they will be the best of mates.

[adsharp]

I was in a very similar situation when I fell pregnant with Jordan only I was 20 when I fell preggers. He wasnt planned, and dh had lost his job 2 months before he was born. It was so hard, and we had to both sign up for the dole, which was bad, and they tried to make me look for work! But luckily dh found a job before he was born.

I know that it feels like you are scumming off the government, but without the family assistance, we couldnt have made it through the last 3 years!!!!!! And I say dh pays his tax, I just look at it that we are just getting it all back! (sounds weird)

Then when Jordan was 5 months old I fell pregnant with Carter, he wasnt planned either, and I totally freaked out, how on earth were we going to afford it? but we mannaged, you live to your means. Now we are much better off financially, we decided that we wanted 3 kids, and we went for it. You will know when you are ready to have another!!!

[SnoozesWithCats]

I am your dd ... ;)

I was 11 when my younger brother and only sibling was born. I don't know if there was any particular reason for the huge gap (except possibly it took Mum ten years to persuade Dad to have another baby...)

It wasn't all that good for me, to be honest. I didn't really like growing up as an only child, and I first left home when I was 17 and bro was 6 so we don't really know each other that well, though I like him 'n all (the fact that we now live on opposite sides of the world doesn't help there!).

I'm glad he exists, but it would have been a lot nicer if he came along a bit earlier.

Effectively, you would be having two only children - I know there are people who were only children and liked it, but in my experience of other similar discussions those of us who didn't are in the majority (even if only a SMALL majority)

I don't think it's the end of the world or anything but I would go a smaller gap. Even an extra 3 years closer in my case would have basically doubled the amount of time bro and I spent in the same house as semi-rational people able to have a conversation with each other

JMO. Worth all you paid for it :cool:

[epiphany]

I had #1 at 19. I'm now 29 & preggy with #2...by the time bubs is born there will be a 10 year age gap between them.

I was in a similar situation with #1...I was a student, with no money & had a grotty experience all through the pregnancy & birth.

The age gap was unintentional (I suffered secondary infertility as a result of undiagnosed PCOS & have only got preggy now as a result of Clomid treatment). And, if I could do it all again, I would have tried a lot sooner, to be honest.

Every child is different but my daughter has suffered somewhat being an only child. She has trouble interacting with other kids sometimes (she gets very bossy with kids her own age...she's fine with younger ones) & she has always wanted siblings - she used to repeatedly ask me for a brother or sister when she was younger. She's a lovely kid...gentle, kind & not a spoilt bone in her body. But I know she gets lonely & would have really benefitted in having siblings when she was younger. Needless to say, we're going to be trying for #3 in a few years so we don't have, effectively, 2 only children.

Yes, the age gap allowed me to go back to work & estabish a career. but, funnily enough, I've given that all up so I can be a SAHM & have more kiddies. It's been fantastic for my daughter & I don't regret that decision for a moment.

My daughter is thrilled she's going to have a baby brother or sister soon...it'll be interesting to see how the age gap effects their interactions as bub & my daughter get older.

[JATS]

:laughing: your whole post sounded like you were trying to convince yourself more than anyone! :laughing:

My advice;

Take each year as it comes, set no plans in stone, things can and do change suddenly.

If it comes sooner than expected that you ARE ready, don't put it off just because you said you would now, and if 10 yrs down the track you're still not ready, don't force yourself for the same reason; because you said you would.

Alot can happen in 12 months, 120 months is a loooong time!!!

Do what is right for you, when it feels right.

[reAllytee]

Well from a different side i was the big whoops that happened 9yrs after my parents second child & 11yrs after their first.
So having my sisters considerably older than myself sucked seriously.
They were too good to play with their little sister by that age lol & of course being teenagers around an annoying little thing like me didnt help :laughing:
They also left home at 18yrs so that left me by myself with my parents which basically made me feel like an only child & even my mum agrees with me on that.
I was lucky i had many friends at school & was very independant as there were no other kids in my surrounding streets to play with & having no siblings made this also very hard.
As everyone else has said its early days yet just wait & see something might change in a year or 3 that will alter what you have in your head as to how your family pans out. But it is great that your considering these things especially the financial side of it. I have been nagging & nagging to have another baby but luckily my DP never caved as he kept wanting to have more money to back us up & now that it looks like he wont have a job soon which in turns means we lose our home so we would be screwed essentially.
Take it as it comes you never know whats around the corner.

[Miss_WingBat]

Hi there Sassy Mummy,
Isn't it nice to have a place to get things off your chest - let me say, you will never be financially or emotionally ready to have another child - it just happens. Even friends that I know that did wait years to be set up to have #2 and the new car/house/income still weren't ready.
I had #1 at 22, #2 at 24, and now #3 is due and I'm 26. I still am able to give 100% to each (when #3 gets here), life yes is hectic but enjoyable. They play alot together and still give me and my partner time to chill with each other. I also enrolled in uni part time (1.5 days a week) so when #3 goes to primary school, I will have a greater step-up back into the working world.
Money is not a pivotal thing in raising a family, happiness is - let things happen and don't force the issue. It might be 10 years, it might be 2, but don't feel inadequate about money and emotional committments - as long as you enjoy what your family consists of.
Ps. V.Cute bubs and good luck!

[NZMama]

You are a very smart young lady - thinking about the future of any further children - wish there were more people like you in thie world.

You seem to have your head on straight.

I;d say what you are thinking is great and noone should tell you any different!!

Good luck to you and big :hugs:

I agree and think that it is responsible of you to take everything into consideration.

Okay here is my experience.....is a long one so grab a hot drink and relax lol :D
I have to just say my DD1 turns 6 in July and DD1 will be 6 months old. There is 5 1/2 years between my 2 girls and I wouldnt have it any other way.
I didnt plan it that way it just happened and it turned out that we were more than ready.
I dont think we were unfair at all to DD1 by my not pushing out babys one after another and I dont think giving my child a playmate was a good enough reason to have another child. Many people assumed that was what I was going to do. I decided that doing that would bring other challenges that may or may not upset our home.
Everyones right money is not the be all and end all but it can be a huge aggravation point, not to mention the ability to live life for us the parents. Hmm playmate or happy family?
My DD1 is well adjusted and extremely outgoing and we all relished having quality time.
While pregnant with DD2 I was fed alot of horror stories about DD1 and her reaction to having a sibling after being an only child for so long and that was exactly what they were...stories!
She is the BEST big sister and not to meniton mummys helper. She loves her little sister to bits and its funny to see how they both react to each other, they have special little faces and conversations just for each other.....I love it!
Of course everychild can be different and react differently to situations but I think it all comes down to the parenting. My DD always has children her own age constantly around her but then she was able to come home to her own space at the end of the day.
You are only 20 there is plenty of time to have other children and your daughter will be fine as long as she gets plenty of interaction and is constantly stimulated.
As for the 'more grown up than a girl of her age should be' comment.....how do you determine that? I feel my DD is quite intelligent and aware of things around her but I dont see that as a negative.
I also have a sister who is 7 - she is part of a blended family with 3 brothers (22,25,30) and 2 sisters (28,29) she also is outgoing and exceptionally bright. My mother socialises her all the time with children of similar ages and she is involved in every sport and activity on earth so she dosnt feel isolated and alone. My mothers house needs a revolving door as she always has a number of my sisters friends staying.

Soo whether you decided to have a child next year or a number of years later Im sure that your daughter will grow and cherish her wonderful family based on the love you give her.
Good luck with your decision

[Minke]

I was pretty much an only child aswell, my brother was 9 yrs older and my sister is 7 yrs older (and went to boarding school when i was seven). I loved being an only child (read spoilt rotten :laughing:) but i was never lonely or anything like that. I didn't have the greatest relationship with both of them until I hit 18/19 and could relate to them as adults, but i now have a better relationship with my brother than my sister does!

My DD was 5 in January and DS was born in april, so its just over a five year age gap and my daughter loves it! She is so good with him and its great that she's old enough to understand what she can and can't do. We didn't mean to have quite this age gap but I was aiming at 4 years, I think for me a would have coped with a smaller age gap, but maybe not enjoyed it as much? My DD is at preschool now, so i get to spend heaps of quality time with both - him while she's away and her when she comes home, and it means if you want to cuddle bubs all day you can because you don't have a 2 year old jumping up and down in front of you.

Each to their own, and who knows you might get 4 years down the track and decide that you can afford and want to have another one! Just don't pressure yourself to have another bub soon if that's not what you want to do - all age gaps have their pros and cons.

[gremily]

I had DD1 when i was 18. DD2 just came along 91/2 mths ago, a 7 yr gap. I had a miscarriage the yr b4.
DD1 is wonderful, absolutely adores her little sis. She loves to help, from playing with her while i make tea, to actually changing nappies (cloth or possies) and getting her dressed. I've never pushed her to do these things, it's just happened out of the love she feels for DD2.
She gets upset when DD2 pulls her hair, but that is about it.
There's pros and cons for small and big age gaps.
While i was preg with DD1 my friend's mum was preg with no.5 (big shock 4 them!). There's an 18 yr gap between them.

[BB'smum]

Congratulations to your parents!!! They have raised a remarkable young lady.

The consideration that you are putting into both the stress on your child and the stress on your relationship shows that you are a wonderful mum who has not put one before the other.

My experiences have been completely different to yours, I was married to my first hubby (aged 27) when I had my first child. My second child was 7 when I fell pregnant with my second son. The 22 year old on the list is my hubby's, but since I have known him since he was born, then I classify him as mine too, lol. My two youngest adore each other, totally and completely. My now 9 year old goes to his biological dad's each fortnight and the first thing he does is come in and kiss his little bro before his mum. I love that!! He would move heaven and earth for his little sibling.

BUT hubby number 2 (pa of youngster) and I are trying again. So it is a tough one, financially and emotionally. We are still struggling financially!!! But we want another one, so I am not sure if I was any help but whatever age you are, and whatever your financial situation, they are worth it!!

[shed]

Do what you want to do, you don't have to listen to anyone else because they aren't the ones doing the work.

You get to experience being a young mummy and you get to experience being an older mummy (which, by the way, I highly recommend, its so much fun from this angle).

Besides which, I am not a big fan of the playmate theory. My sister and I were close in age and all we did was fight constantly and I know other people with kids a few years apart and they are the same. Its exhausting being the referee all the time and its part of the reason that I have always only wanted one child.

I have been told I am selfish for waiting so long and for only wanting one child. and this was by an older lady. What is it with these grandmother types? Maybe they are jealous of our choices these days? We have the luxury of choosing to have our children and when and how many, whereas they didn't so much. How dare anyone judge my decision to have one child if thats all I want, and I am certainly not having another one just to please her!!

Good luck. You'll know when the time is right for you and I don't think Chanel will resent you for trying to do the best for her, which is what you are obviously trying to do.

[Sarie]

I think it's a great idea to wait till you are ready emtionally and finacially for another.
We were in a great position when I first fell pregnant with DS1 though half way through my pregnancy things went to pieces and our situation changed dramatically. Our second bub was a surprise and it was not at a particularly good time either but we managed to use it to our advantage.
No we are able to try for another and things are looking up with another promotion for DH in the near future.
But as one of my great friends has told me, you need to do what is right for your family, ie your partner, yourself and your little one. Don't let anyone push you in a direction you are not happy with.

[anita_fairy]

I agree with alahna's mum. Just get them over and done with. that way you can then focus on your career instead of having to leave your career in the middle to have another child. I'm a young mum too and i had them even younger than you and i think its the best decicion for me. but really, its up to you. you know whats best for you and your family

[kymmy]

My hubby and mother think I am cruel for wanting a gap even 3 years.
I like this gap but would rather have a gap of 5 years next time.
It is hard work and since the women has to go through it,
I think the choice of gap should lie with the mum.:yes:

[nemosmum]

Your a smart cookie so Im sure you will do what is best for your family:thumbsup:

[SamanthaJane]

I always wanted to have my children close together... like, 2 years apart.

But, being honest with myself neither me nor my dp would be able to cope both financially and emotionally with another child in 2 years time.

So im waiting 5-6 years. I never planned to have children tunil i was about 25, but in 5 years i'll be 23 and i'd start looking into it. That way this baby will be in school, i'll be finished all my studies and i should be in a job:fingerscrossed:

In 3 years time i had planned to try to get into uni to study primary teaching... then start my family a few years after that... but things never work out the way i thought they would:rolleyes:

[Ciamia]

I think 5 years is a brilliant age gap.

My older brother is 5 years older than i am and we have the best relationship! A number of my friends also have this age gap and it works really well for them too.

I think it works well because he had all of that one on one time with our mother.. and then when he went to school... she had lots of time to spend with me...

He also really wanted a brother or sister by that stage, wasnt set in being the only child mentality, and being at school gave her a bit of breathing space as well.

I really hope to have that age gap with mine too!

[SassyMummy]

I have decided to shorten the gap I wanted...I think I will TTC when DD is 3 years old (so, in mid 2008). Therefore, DD will be approximately 4 when I have another baby.

I started thinking about the fact that DD would basically live life as an only child...and thinking about how I had the opportunity to fight and play with my brother and that DD would probably miss out on that. While I HATED my brother at times, I also LOVED that he was around for me to fight OR play with. It was nice when he was away...but if he left for too long, I felt lost...

I think that 4 years is a reasonable gap...it's long enough for me to hopefully have a successful vaginal birth and to raise a little money in (between now and then), but it's also good because DD will be a little more self-sufficient when the baby is born. Then, when the bub starts getting a little annoying (the toddler stage! EEK!) DD will be off to school...and so it'll be easier for me. She'll still be able to fight/play with the baby...but it'll be a big enough gap to give me enough one-on-one time with both DD AND the new baby.

Thanks for the replies...and best luck with the age gaps you choose for your children!

[mum2bubba]

I only have one child who is almost 2 and are ttc for our second (hope to have #2 by the time Hayley is 2 and a half 3) We only want 2 children but if we were millionaires or whatever I would MAYBE have another in a few years. There are pros and cons to having children close in age and there are pros and cons in having children with wider age gaps.
A friend of mine (who is 19) just had her second baby (she also has a 2 year old) and my friend's mum had HER when she was 15 and had given birth to her 7th child so having older children can be good to help out with younger siblings, having them close together is good also coz they can share toys etc (hopefull).

[mumma_jessy]

I have decided to shorten the gap I wanted...I think I will TTC when DD is 3 years old (so, in mid 2008). Therefore, DD will be approximately 4 when I have another baby.

I started thinking about the fact that DD would basically live life as an only child...and thinking about how I had the opportunity to fight and play with my brother and that DD would probably miss out on that. While I HATED my brother at times, I also LOVED that he was around for me to fight OR play with. It was nice when he was away...but if he left for too long, I felt lost...

I think that 4 years is a reasonable gap...it's long enough for me to hopefully have a successful vaginal birth and to raise a little money in (between now and then), but it's also good because DD will be a little more self-sufficient when the baby is born. Then, when the bub starts getting a little annoying (the toddler stage! EEK!) DD will be off to school...and so it'll be easier for me. She'll still be able to fight/play with the baby...but it'll be a big enough gap to give me enough one-on-one time with both DD AND the new baby.

Thanks for the replies...and best luck with the age gaps you choose for your children!

I'm very happy to see that you have changed your mind, and thought about how this decision will not only affect you but your 1st child too! You sound like a great mummy, and i'm sure you will make the best decision for you and your family. :thumbsup:

Goodluck!

[My2LilRockStars]

This has been really interesting reading!

I have a 4 yo son and have been TTC#2 for about 6 months. DS wasnt planned so we werent financially or emotionally ready either, but of course have pulled thru and we are all such a happy family now! Initially I dint want another child AT ALL, i was just so content with my lil family! Now that I am TTC, I am getting worried that the gap (that I initially planned to be about 4.5 yrs) is going to be 5+ yrs.

I feel that this will be good for me, as I feel totally ready to do it all again, plus I am glad that I have had these past 4 yrs to spend quality time with Harley. I also think that it will be great for Harley to have kinder/school when (if?!) i have #2 and I will also be able to spend quality time with bub. Another plus is that we are financially stable now and DF and i are much happier together and 'back in love' after a rough patch!

HOWEVER...
I cant help but feel guilty about the big age gap though. I feel that I would be letting both children down and wonder what sort of relationship they can have with 5+ yrs between them? I am sure as they hit late teens the gap will seem much closer, but as youngsters I dont know?

I feel that I should have done this sooner. As TTC#2 is also proving to be much harder than unplanned #1, I wish I had started trying much earlier than this year!

Harley is a very confident, happy, socaible lil boy... he has lots of friends and gets to spend heaps of time with kids his age, and that how I always intend for it to be.

But I still cant help but feel guilty!

????????

Lisa - 26
Steve - 26
Harley - 4
TTC#2 for 6 months

[My2LilRockStars]

This has been really interesting reading!

I have a 4 yo son and have been TTC#2 for about 6 months. DS wasnt planned so we werent financially or emotionally ready either, but of course have pulled thru and we are all such a happy family now! Initially I dint want another child AT ALL, i was just so content with my lil family! Now that I am TTC, I am getting worried that the gap (that I initially planned to be about 4.5 yrs) is going to be 5+ yrs.

I feel that this will be good for me, as I feel totally ready to do it all again, plus I am glad that I have had these past 4 yrs to spend quality time with Harley. I also think that it will be great for Harley to have kinder/school when (if?!) i have #2 and I will also be able to spend quality time with bub. Another plus is that we are financially stable now and DF and i are much happier together and 'back in love' after a rough patch!

HOWEVER...
I cant help but feel guilty about the big age gap though. I feel that I would be letting both children down and wonder what sort of relationship they can have with 5+ yrs between them? I am sure as they hit late teens the gap will seem much closer, but as youngsters I dont know?

I feel that I should have done this sooner. As TTC#2 is also proving to be much harder than unplanned #1, I wish I had started trying much earlier than this year!

Harley is a very confident, happy, socaible lil boy... he has lots of friends and gets to spend heaps of time with kids his age, and that how I always intend for it to be.

But I still cant help but feel guilty!

????????

Lisa - 26
Steve - 26
Harley - 4
TTC#2 for 6 months

[Natsmummy]

It sounds to me like you are making a responsible decision and I completely understand how you want to give your daughter all your attention in her early years, as I think the same way. For that reason and also financially my husband and I are thinking that a 5 year gap would be good. There is a 4.5 year gap between my brother and I and it has never affected our closeness. Nor do I think that the years I had on my own with mum and dad made me spoilt.

[Natsmummy]

HOWEVER...
I cant help but feel guilty about the big age gap though. I feel that I would be letting both children down and wonder what sort of relationship they can have with 5+ yrs between them? I am sure as they hit late teens the gap will seem much closer, but as youngsters I dont know?


Harleysmum - don't feel guilty - see my post above. I remember as I youngster being quite protective of my brother and having lots of fun dressing him up, teaching him things and so on, and from the time he was about 10 I would truly consider us to have been friends. My brother has always been a really cool guy, as I'm sure your next child will be!