How would you say "no" to circumcising your child to your circumcised partner?

[SassyMummy]

I'm not pregnant nor TTC... babies aren't in my distant future.

However, it's something I've been thinking a bit about.

The bf is circumcised.

I think it's just "what happens" in his family. One of the first times I met his baby nephew was just before he was about to get circumcised.

Of course I didn't voice my opinion - it wasn't my place.

I am anti-RIC though.

I don't have a problem with the bf being done... he looks beautiful and would "cut" or "uncut."

The thing is, if I were to ever have a son with him, it would be an issue. He would want it done, because he's done and he thinks it's better, for whatever reason. His family also get it done too... it's something they all do. So I know I'll face a fair bit of opposition there if I ever get into that situation.

How would you deal with it? How would you refuse without hurting the feelings of anyone (I wouldn't throw around the word "mutilate" or "abuse" or any such thing, because I wouldn't want to make his mother or sister offended, nor would I want to make out like something is wrong with him for being circumcised).

So how do you deal with that kind of situation?

I'd have no problem with my son getting circumcised WHERE HE TO MAKE THAT DECISION HIMSELF WHEN HE'S OLD ENOUGH. A male friend chose to be circumcised at 14. That was his choice. He was happy with that. I'd be happy to let my son make the choice too (I'd make him research and read up first of course!).

Any advice? I know I'm thinking well in advance, but my mind often wanders to the future and its potential problems... I'd kinda like to know how I'd go about this sooner rather than later... so I can stop thinking about it. :p

[Benji]

Interesting question!

I was so lucky that my boy's father is very much on the lazy side when it comes to parenting and he kicked up a fuss when I said I didn't want DS circ'd so I said "fine, you organise it and I want nothing to do with it, nor will I attend while it is done".

That put an end to that disagreement then and there.

With his opinionated mother, I just ignored her. She would carry on about cleanliness etc and I just told XDP to get her to lighten up & leave me alone on the issue (along with bfing, carring my bub in a sling, holding him all day, etc). His family just had to learn to deal with it and with time they eventually realise that I was a lost cause and there's no point in nagging :laughing:

[M&Ms]

I am kinda in this situation as my DF is Jewish and i am not... luckily i had a girl first and no other children as of yet... however it was a bit of a sore point for us as i wanted my daughter Baptised...

We (or more my decision) basically agreed that i wont get our kids baptised and neither will we have any sons we have circumcised as we think they can make that decision when they are old enough...

I think my DF would still put up a fight if we do have a son but as his mother i will be putting my foot down, and i will not be comprimising... my children and their safety will always, as bad as it sounds, come before my DF.

[bubs_and_us]

i would simply say no. that would be the end of the conversation.

[pinkishbunny]

i would simply say no. that would be the end of the conversation.


Yup my thought's exactly.. :yes:

[TwoBlue]

I was lucky that my circ DH just knows that its not the "done" thing anymore and wasnt interested in having our boys done...

A girlfriend was having more issues, her DH really wanted their son done.. so she said "well I wont have a bar of it so you organise it all"....
It never happened :p

I think if you feel really strongly about it it needs to be discussed BEFORE babies come on the scene
and get heaps of stuff for him to read

[misskittyfantastico]

I'd give him all the easy to read literature I could lay my hands on and let him know how strongly I felt about it.

[~Emmylou~]

i would simply say no. that would be the end of the conversation.

:yes:

My view? He's a big boy. He can handle it.
It's up to me to speak for my son while he doesn't have a voice to speak for himself.
Until he can tell me what he wants to do with his foreskin, it's my job to preserve it so he has a choice when he is old enough to make it.

My DH is circed, how DH felt about it never came into it for us. Toby's penis isn't DH's penis. What has it got to do with him? Or with me? Nothing IMO.

[missie_mack]

I would think its important for him to understand the reasons why circumcision isn't routinely done anymore and read some information from both sides to form his own opinion... currently his only information comes from his family which is obviously not balanced. I would then explain that perhaps there was a time where this was more important but it isn't no longer.

Unfortunately if he feels strongly about having it he might be in the same shoes as you and is trying to work out how to convince you to his way of thinking. Either way to have a successful relationship you need to both reach the same conclusion together. Dh and I have varying opinions on somethings and we research both sides with a open mind and use this to form our conclusion

[JJJ&D'sMum]

We came upon this problem a few yrs ago when pg with DD before we found out she was a girl. DP is circ'd and told me that if we have a boy then he will be circ'd as well. I told him that would NOT be happening as my other boys are not circ'd and I don't agree with it other than for medical reasons. DP was adamant and wanted it done but he knows that it will never happen as he'll never get my permission. And everyone knows that NO dr will circ without permission from both parents. End of story in our household.

Stand your ground if you ever need to, sweetie....it can't be done if you don't want it to be done.

[NewBeginnings]

I would and have said hell no!

If he kept on and on then I wouldn't be staying so calm about it! :no: (which I haven't lol)

As it is.. this babies father... (who isn't circed) wants this baby done... and pushes and pushes and PUSHES.... know why?... because his good mate at work just got his son done. You know, cause following the crowd is apparently more important than keeping his son intact.:rolleyes:

I told him if he ever touched my sons genitals I'd be touching his... and I wouldn't just be cutting the end bit of skin off! :devil::laughing:

[bunintheoven12]

My son's father is Jewish also and I simply told him there is no way we'd being doing it to our son. Yes, he put up a fight but there was no way I was backing down as I felt very strongly over this.

I think if you give him all the relevant information you can and remind him that it's your son's body therfore his decision, and not ours to make.

If my son want's to be done when he's older he has my full support.

[MrsMiggins]

When I was pregnant with DD, before we knew she was a girl, DH mentioned something by way of conversation that if it was a boy, he would be circ'd. I looked at him strangely & asked why. He said "Because isn't that just what you do?" And I said that that hasn't been the case in Australia for many years and that anything about cleanliness, disease, hygiene etc were all myths. I asked him why he would want to put a newborn through that pain for no reason & he thought about it for a second & admitted I was right. End of story. He'd just never thought about it.

When we found out we were having a boy with DS, it was never even discussed. We just didn't do it.

As for DH's family, they've never mentioned anything about it to me & I would be shocked if they did. I am very lucky though that none of our parents are the interfering type.

[mum_I'm_hungry]

It's rather simplistic to say, 'I'd just say no'. The child has two parents and both parents weigh in on this decision.

If I wanted to win my husband around to my way of thinking, I would arm myself with all the information I could and state my case against circumcising in a way that he could see it would be the wrong choice for our son. A trip to a paediatrician to hear why it isn't necessary and is more than a little old-school wouldn't go astray either. I think if you could effectively demonstrate he'd be doing the wrong thing by his child, you'd probably win him around :thumbsup:

[GraceUnhearing]

very easy!

both my boys are not and will not be circumcised but their dad is!

it wasnt going to happen

he saw my point of view and agreed not to get them done
he thinks its not necessary

his stupid mother is a whole other story

[grass is always greener]

I'd have no problem with my son getting circumcised WHERE HE TO MAKE THAT DECISION HIMSELF WHEN HE'S OLD ENOUGH. A male friend chose to be circumcised at 14. That was his choice. He was happy with that. I'd be happy to let my son make the choice too (I'd make him research and read up first of course!).
I would be saying just this to him.

:yes:

My view? He's a big boy. He can handle it.
It's up to me to speak for my son while he doesn't have a voice to speak for himself.
Until he can tell me what he wants to do with his foreskin, it's my job to preserve it so he has a choice when he is old enough to make it.

My DH is circed, how DH felt about it never came into it for us. Toby's penis isn't DH's penis. What has it got to do with him? Or with me? Nothing IMO.
:iagree:

Your right. I would say it's not up to us to decide it is 'DS' penis therefore he will decide what he wants to do with his foreskin when he is old enough to voice his opinion:yes:
:iagree:

[Uniquey]

Before we got married we did one of those pre-marriage counselling courses where you answer a series of questionairres based on different aspects of your relationship. One of them was on parenting and beliefs on parenting issues etc. This is when I mentioned my anti-circ stance (for the first time) as being non-parents at the time it simply had not come up before :p and I stated that I wouldn't be swayed and my reasons why etc. DH was a little shocked that I had brought it up, but being that he was circumsised himself I wanted him to know my thoughts on the matter for if/when if came up in the future once we became parents. We haven't got a son, but even so, DH feels the same way I do, thank goodness.

[SilverStarfish]

I think this is one of 'those' topics that need to be discussed well in advance, so well done for thinking about it now :)

Fortunately it's not an issue in our family, as DH and I are firmly on the same page when it comes to RIC - absolutely no way, under any circumstances. Ever. It would have been hard if DH had felt differently, but it's something that I just would not be able to be talked into doing.

If a son of mine chose to have it done later, then he'd have my support because he'd be making an informed decision for himself.

[Pixie]

I just said we will not be doing it. I listened to my DH's pov he was circed later in life due to some problems. He is worried his son will get the same problem.

I said our son won't be getting done.

He said

"you call the shots you are the mother"

And that was that.

:D

[peanutbutter&jelly]

We never actually discussed it so I can't help with what we did... DF is circ'd, but it was just a non-issue.
If the need does come up, perhaps present him with some of the info about the pain a newborn goes through, and why its not necessary... give him facts he can't argue with.
In the end, it comes down to a decision of 2 parents, not one saying yes... but I'm sure you'd like to do it a bit more amicably :yes:

[AM]

The words 'over my dead body' would feature pretty frequently... ;)

seriously, if a partner of mine were to insist, I would leave, that's how strongly I feel about protecting my babies.

Anyway, I think education is the key, I'd be having lots of conversations about it to find out his beliefs and ideas about the surgery, and slowly but surely re-educate him on the whole issue. Oh, and make sure you find some video footage of a baby actually being circ, and turn the speakers up, so he can really see/hear/feel what it is like for a baby to go through it. That might also affect you in such a way that you just say "NO WAY is anyone EVER doing that to my baby!"

All the best, if worst comes to the worst, let your 'mama bear out of the cage' :thumbsup:

And what would YOU do if he absolutely insisted? Would you let it happen?

[Pax]

I just said we will not be doing it. I listened to my DH's pov he was circed later in life due to some problems. He is worried his son will get the same problem.

I said our son won't be getting done.

He said

"you call the shots you are the mother"

And that was that.

:D

pretty much how it happened for me too.

I didnt give DP a choice. and when he got a bit smart about it saying he would take him to have it done. I said then i would call the cops for kidnapping and assault...

he knew i meant business then..

in hindsight tho i wish i had him circ'd, it has been a problem.

[sam's mum]

I told DH that I had done some research on it and that I wasn't willing to discuss it until he had researched it as well. I said that if he still wanted to after he had looked into it we could both do up a list of why and why nots.

Once he looked into it he stopped saying to get it done.

Morrigan, you can't kidnap your own child unless you are contravening a court order.

[Pax]

Morrigan, you can't kidnap your own child unless you are contravening a court order.

:laughing: good thing he didnt call my bluff then hey LOL otherwise DS would be snipped and I might have killed DP

[SassyMummy]

Thanks for all responses!

I'm glad that a few of you said it's something that needs to be discussed well in advance... it's kinda why I think about all this stuff... so I can suss out his stance and see what areas I'll need to work on.

I've told him I wouldn't have chosen to circ DD were she a boy, but he also knows that her father wasn't done, and might just think it's because of that (I made the comment casually, as to not have him think I think there's something wrong with the way HE was done, or that I think his mother is cruel or anything for doing it to him...). So he knows my stance, just doesn't know that I'm as anti as I am. :p


It's rather simplistic to say, 'I'd just say no'. The child has two parents and both parents weigh in on this decision.


That's what I think too... which is kinda why I asked. I could do the "veto" thing, but I don't think that because I'd be carrying the baby in my womb gives me "more say" over the baby. I think that's a big way to push dads aside and give them a reason to slack off.

I want whatever man I'm with in future and having babies with to feel like an equal part of the parenting journey. I'd never just "veto" him. (I'd just try to manipulate him into my way of thinking.:p).

[Mathermy]

no. absolutely not. no way:no:

[Pax]

I want whatever man I'm with in future and having babies with to feel like an equal part of the parenting journey. I'd never just "veto" him. (I'd just try to manipulate him into my way of thinking.:p).

I am unashameably a vetoing woman LOL..

my womb, my baby, you can have an opinion when i ask for it..

I certainly am not perfect obviously LOL

I cannot honestly compromise when it comes to my kids.. I choose the school, religion, medical decisions everything and i get irky when their fathers intervene.

I should have been an amazonian :laughing:

[SassyMummy]

Okay, so I spoke to him. Casually.

I didn't intend to, not today, but he was going on about a curly wurly his niece got for DD... I said she wasn't allowed to have it. He informed me that when we have kids together, they'll be allowed to eat that sh*t (pfft... I'll be doing the shopping and looking after them... so I don't think so buddy! All of which I told him.).

I then thought it appropriate to let him know where I stood on a few parenting issues.

I told him of my intentions to breastfeed, and to vaginally birth (I'll save the EXTENDED breastfeeding and HOMEBIRTHING part until some other day... no need to scare him all in one go:p)... and then mentioned circumcision.

His instant response is, "There'll be no issue," (I said there might be "issues" with some of my desires as they don't fit his families 'norm'), "It will get done."

I was like, "Errr... no, I don't think so."

He went on about how it's cleaner. I said something about finding research papers to prove otherwise... he then said something about how if you don't clean it properly, it's more likely to get infected if he's not done...

What a stupid reason.

I said to him, "Well, if Chanel doesn't wipe her vagina properly, she's more likely to get an infection. Should we remove that too, or just teach her how to keep herself clean?"

I kinda stopped there, because I didn't want to get into fighting territory over something that's not even an issue right now...

But I think he at least knows my stance.

I'll watch how pro-active he is from now on, and see if the whole, "fine, you want it done... go organise it for yourself!" thing will work.

Chances are, he wouldn't be confident taking a newborn out by himself anyway... :p

[Pax]

:fingerscrossed: for a girl ;)

[veve]

i haven't read ALL the replies .. but with DH .. Ijust sent him some links .. he looked .. and immediately changed his mind ..

I honestly think that lots of people who do it becaues its the 'done' thing - honestly dont understand how its done, or what can occasionally go wrong ..

xx
Jen

[AM]

You know Sassy, I don't think this guy has a snowballs chance in he!! against your maternal instincts :laughing::thumbsup:

[bunintheoven12]

A trip to a paediatrician to hear why it isn't necessary and is more than a little old-school wouldn't go astray either.


I have to comment here......I swear what I'm about to write is 100% true.

When we took my son to see the paediatrician for his six weeks check up, Joel brought up the whole circumcision thing which when we talk about it always gets me worked up and upset. Anyway, Joel had to go to the car and get a nappy for our son and while he was gone the paediatrician said to me that I might as well give up on this argument with Joel as Joel was going to win and our son would be done. Have you guessed?? Our paediatrician was Jewish (unbeknown to me at the time which Joel pointed out to me afterwards, the doctor's surname was a regular Jewish name ) so he saw absolutely nothing wrong with it.

Anyway, my point is....make sure you know you're paediatrician's views before you use them to help you with your cause.

Next comment.....I've noticed a few people saying the child has two parents etc so both should make the decision...well that's all very well and good but what happens when both parents have such strong and opposite views on this topic? One person has to eventually back down on their beliefs because the child with either be done or he won't.

Joel did not have one valid reason to make me reconsider having our son done. I, on the other hand had so much research for him to see - you couldn't argue with the information I had. But regardless, the argument that won and still stands as THE most important one on my list that no one can argue back to and that is.....it's our son's body, not ours, it's not our choice to make, it's his.

[pixiemum2]

If it were my son and I did not want him curcumcised I would put my foot down and say not way! Not until that child can understand what it involves and make the descision himself.
My DH is circumcised and when we had DS the topic of circumcision wasn't even bought up.

[Noah_and_Elijah]

My DP and I are talking about having a baby and he is circumcised hence wanting any future boys to be also.

My two boys aren't because I am anti-RIC as was their Father and I explained my reasoning behind my decisions and asked him to explain his reasoning.

He basically said that 'it is cleaner' and 'because I am' so to me they are clearly not good enough reasons to put my child through that.

I gave him the option to discuss the reasoning for his decision even though at the end of the day it would not be happening. This is one thing that I feel VERY strongly about and I just said to him plain and simple (as nicely as I could) that if we were to have a baby and it was a boy, hell would have to freeze over before he would be getting circumcised and there was absolutely nothing he could do about it.

He's since moved on and accepts my decision! :)

[Hokey Pokey]

I have told dh many times that if we had ever had a son he would NOT be circumsized, unless there were medical reasons that he needed to be.

[sansha]

I think that it is best for the parents to reach a consensus wherever possible but I think in cases like this, when one wants to make physical changes to a child, it is generally best to take the conservative approach of no action. Afterall, it cannot be reversed, but can be done on request at a later stage.

My father was done (as was commonplace then) but not my brother as it was starting to fall out of favour due to the evidence that it served no purpose. I don't think my father cared one way or the other and to be honest, I find the whole "I want him to be like me" thing a bit weird. I've never given any thought to how much my daughters breasts or vagina will resemble mine.

I wouldn't go the "well then you organise it" route as my husband would be quite capable of doing this. Fortunately it was no debate (my husband is uncut) but I would have gone to the mat on this one.

[Nowhere]

I would say that I will NEVER put any of my children through an elective surgery, For Me it would be an easy converstation as DH knows all to wel the heart ache and stress and complications that go with Peadicatric surgery and anathetic, So i know he agrees with me 100 percent, He to cant fathem why anyone would CHOOSE to hand there child over to a surgen when its not needed, Thats not to say we have anything against surgens we dont MY dds surgen is a great dr, but that stil wouldnt make us get operations done that are not TOTALY needed

[Lillynix]

DH is circed and DS is not.

When I was pregnant with DD I said if we ever had a boy, he would not be circed and DH was in total agreeancem he's totally against circ.

However, if he was pro-circ I can tell you now, there would be no effing way in hell my son/s would ever be circed. Like AM, if DH refused to agree with me after showing him all research and made plans to have it done etc then I would leave him to protect my babies (maybe not permanently, just to get the message across)

No one gets the chance to chop my babies!

[circangel]

This needs to be discussed early. Do a lot of research into why it is of concern to you. Speak to like minded friends and get their take on the topic. Then find the time to have a calm collected discussion on the topic with him. Let him put his side of the story over and then you have a say about how you feel. Tell him you would like him to have a think about what you are telling him and that you would like him to respond when he has had time to think it over thoroughly.

[bada]

We were having the discussion when I was around 10 weeks pregnant and DF informed me that no son of his would go without being circumcised.
I was in shock, and totally against it but didn't seem like I could budge him.
Then came a blessing from god, on tv that night there was a penn and teller BS show on circ. after watching it DF completely changed his mind, thank god. I never needed to bring it up again he finds the whole idea of it sickening now :yelclap:

[Fuchsia!]

I would leave my husband /partner if he wouldn't budge.

IMO* RIC is abuse, There is no way i would be sticking around if my husband was purposely to burn my child with a cigarette, so there is no way i would stick around for my son to be circ'ed.


* noticed i said in my opinion