Head strong and temper tantrums!

[ChubStar]

I am at my wits end! My 20 month old DS is so head strong and it is driving me nuts! He can't talk, yet he understands what I say and can communicate quite well. If he wants food, he'll take my hand and walk me to the cupboard. If he wants to watch a DVD he'll give me the DVD cover and then walk to the TV. If he wants to play a computer game he walks to the computer console and give me the remote control. This is all very cute and (I think) quite smart, but the problem comes when I don't give him what he wants straight away.

If I hesitate, even for a moment, he stomps his feet and screams, and I mean screams! He comes up and pulls on my pants or hand and continues to scream until he gets his way. I don't want him to watch DVDs and play computer games all the time. Our backyard is mud at the moment, so I don't want him playing outside. I try to play with him and his cars (he loves cars) but I can't play with him all day and he loses interest quickly. He is always running around and only sometimes sleeps during the day. I take him to swimming and kindergym once a week and try to meet up with other mums regularly.

I don't know what to do! He is such a handful and I end up screaming at him to shut up and leave me alone by the end of the day. Life in general is very stressful at the moment and he is only making me feel worse. Then I scream and feel even worse than before! I'm losing it! I can see myself smacking him across the head and pushing him out of the way, but I make a real effort not to hit him. It is so wrong and I don't know how to control or curb his behaviour. I feel like crying half the time because it just seems like too much. But when he is happy he is the most beautiful little boy, I just want to kiss him and hug him!

What do I do? How do I keep my sanity? How do I control my temper? What other activities can I do that will keep him occupied? How long do other mums spend playing with their little ones each day?

Somebody please save me from this madness!:(

[rynosmum]

Firstly, hugs to you because it sounds like you need them.:hugs:

It sounds like you are both feeling frustrated at the moment, him because he doesn't feel like he's communicating his wants and you because he doesn't understand the concept of 'wait'.

My DS is 23 months old and only started really 'talking'at Christmas. I have found that since he can verbalise what he wants (rather than acting it out), he feels more confident that I can understand him thus more happy behaviour. He can now string sentences together which makes it so much easier. This may be just around the corner for you and DS and I assure you that it will make things MUCH better all 'round.

As for things to entertain a toddler of this age, I find the basic things are best. wooden blocks, flash cards (to develop recognition and speech), large lego blocks, containers of water and plastic measuring cups so they can pour the water around (we do this on ther verandah mostly), crayons for scribbling, a balloon in the air, small sandpit if you can find somewhere out of the mud. We go stir-crazy in the house and end up resorting to TV at home so often head to the park with a ball to chase and some snacks or I put him in the pram and we go for a big walk somewhere and I point things out for him to look at to keep interested.

I hope some of this helps - try to break the cycle of his frustration by getting out and about if possible. The fresh air might do you both some good - bubs can yell ans run all they like in a park :thumbsup: :hugs:

[Mother Duck]

Dear Beautiful Jacqui

First of all - Take a huge breath and know that you are a brilliant mummy!

Secondly you are obviously blessed (and I mean that) - with a spirited child - an excellent thing, in its place!

OK - so here is my response black and white - feel free to take it or leave it and of course Each To Their Own!

Most Importanly you must remember no matter how strong he is you are older, wiser, AND stronger.

He is depending on you for boundaries and guidelines and it sounds like he is picking alot of these things up really well. His communication is great, no need to worry there - clearly from what you have said it is a 'I want' response to you and not a 'you don't get it' thing

if I were you I would be adamant about whatever it is you are telling him is not OK. Stick to your guns no matter what he does. Even if you are thinking that you should have given it to him or that you may as well take him outside etc - stick to your guns and LATER when all is rosy again then say - because you are such a good boy we will go and do 'blah'

Ask yourself these things (I think might be of interest) - Am I saying no to him more often than yes (thus creating frustration or the idea that he never gets what he asks for), and if so what are my reasons for saying no (ie does it really matter if he gets all muddy, mud can be great fun!) - Am I giving in to him very often when he does the tanty stuff (and thus encouraging tantys!)

The other thing I would say is when you see that tanty coming on take a big breath and say to yourself - this won't kill me - try to just be really super calm and patient - try to block the noise out of your head yet maintain a loving and gently manner with him

With M I simply say "that's OK M you can behave that way but this IS what we are doing so you let me know when you are finished" etc - she knows I mean it and do you know what - it now takes about five seconds max for her to just pick herself up and get over it!

Anyway :ecomcity: hope this helps - feel free to pm if you need as I have a very willful one too!

[Elfin]

It sounds like language frustration is the root cause but some kids are just more intense. I find distraction and ignoring the behaviour best. Just walk away and don't respond. If you find this is not working, I think I would start time out in his cot for 2 minutes only. He is kind of at a border line age of understanding but you could give it a try.

There is a really good book called 'Raising the Spirited Child' can't remember the author, I borrowed it from the library and found it very good.

[Chickadee]

Hugs to you. :hugs: Keeping your temper can be tough sometimes. Don't be afraid to give yourself a time out when you need it. Maybe that means a change of scenery for both of you, like a walk, or even just you taking the garbage out and counting to 10 at the bin.

I know routines aren't for everyone, but many toddlers really do respond to it. They seem to like knowing what's coming. It doesn't have to be strict timewise, but sets a rhythm to the day and gets them used to periods when you're not going to be available. When DD is home with me all day our "routine" is usually:
-Breakfast & getting dressed
-ABC Kids tv & quiet play on her own (lets me have a coffee & get dressed in peace).
-Play together
- Go out for activities. This is usually around 9:30-10am and might be shopping, a trip to a park, or any activity that uses up energy. Snack time falls around this time too, so might be before we leave or as a break from the activity.
- Lunch
- Nap and./or quiet time for 1.5 hours. DD won't always sleep but she is used to being quiet in her room for this time. If she wants to play in there on her own I let her.
- Snack
- Play time together. I may try to fit another outside play in here if the weather is good, even just taking a walk down the street exploring is good.
- Dinner Prep. DD helps or sits at the table colouring or with playdoh. On grumpy days (either of us!) a dvd may go on for her to watch instead.
- Dinner
- Brief play together or bath.

I tend to use distraction rather than time outs or ignoring. If DD is demanding something and I simply ignore it, her tantrum winds up a notch and puts me on edge. But if I offer her an alternate activity that is interesting, it breaks the tantrum. Try boxing up some toys or games and putting them away for when he's bored with his regular ones and you need to keep him busy.

[TwoBlue]

:hugs: to you

I have a 26 mth old DS who is very spirited also so i know how you feel.

All the advice you have been given already is good.

so i'll just add these three things...

time out is great not just for him but also for you ! But dont use time out as a punishment "as such" ... i say "right! you really need to calm down so how about you go into your room, close the door and wait until mummy comes and gets you.." this works well for us providing it hasnt gotten too out of hand, he will take himself to his room now, at first i put him in his room but now he goes there, closes his door and reads books, its good.

If it has gotten too out of hand i sit DS on his special litle couch and make him take deep breaths, i do really over exaggerated deep breaths to show him how... he finds that most amusing which gets his mind off the tanty and he does also take some deep breaths...

you can blow bubbles for him to chase around from the comfort of your couch :D

[Ana Gram]

I hear ya! My child often gets called spirited.

The only thing that has worked for us is ignoring the massive tantrums. At first it was really awful, s she would just keep going. But now she rarely even gets to the point of tantrum. She has only had one major tanty in the last two months. If it gets too much for you, pick him up put him somewhere safe adn go outside to cool off. Don't worry he won't be going anywhere and will still be angry and probably happt to continue the tantrum, but at least you get to take a breather to centre yourself.

Distraction never worked for us as DD was very determined in what she wanted.

Also another tip, most of the tys ryansmum mentioned are great but if your child gets as worked up as mine I wouldn't recommend wooden blocks. Never give a tantrum child ammunition they could clock you in the head with!

[TwoBlue]

Also another tip, most of the tys ryansmum mentioned are great but if your child gets as worked up as mine I wouldn't recommend wooden blocks. Never give a tantrum child ammunition they could clock you in the head with!


LOL Chellegoth !! Very very true... :laughing:

[Mother Duck]

:If it has gotten too out of hand i sit DS on his special litle couch and make him take deep breaths, i do really over exaggerated deep breaths to show him how... he finds that most amusing which gets his mind off the tanty and he does also take some deep breaths...

Yep - I can vouch for this one - we do the exaggerated 'big breathing' thing too!

Works well for us

[ChubStar]

Thank you for all your suggestions. I have made a real effort over the past few days to control my temper, and I have found that his tantrums don't last as long if I keep calm.

I'm finding that he wants to play with me or DH most of the time, but I'm doing research on activities that can entertain him for longer than a few minutes.

Once again, thanks for your help, it really made me feel stronger and more capable.

Cheers
Jacquie