Leeny
11-05-2006, 13:35
OK this is gunna be a long one so i guess not many will have time to sit and read it, which is fine...And i hope i put this in the right place, i didnt know where else to post it...And there will probbaly be patches of too much information..what can you do? There will however be a question at the end :(...just bear with me lol...
I didnt find out i was pregnant until i was 2 months along because i had endometriosiss so i was extremely irregular...after finding out i was pregnant, i had horrible all day sickness for along time, then as i started to put on weight, i couldnt walk properly cause i had so many problems with my joints and bones..To cut out most of the pregnancy, i ended up to pre-eclampsia and was in hospital for a week before they decided to induce me. Then things got even better.
(BTW, i know SO many other women have had so much worse then me, and i feel bad for them, but this was bad for me, so im just having my little rant, cause i've never been able to talk to anyone about it).
After being induced, my DH got told to go home because it was a first baby so it was gunna be a looonnnggg labour...2 hours down the track, they broke my waters and about 10 minutes later i was trying to tell my MW i needed to push, and she said i shouldnt need to push yet but she checked me anyway...I was fully dialated, and she told someone to get my DH here "NOW"..I was booked in for an epidural but was told i couldnt have one now because it was too late, so i had gas instead...I had a midwife and a student telling me not to push until DH got there, so i tried, but to no avail..when u gotta push, u gotta push. DH got there just in time...after about half n hr of pushing and going through it all alone, DD was born, all in one go...I can remember feeling like i was torn in 2, and all i could do was scream. I had a 3rd degree tear, and i couldnt even sit up to hold DD.
They gave me an injection after cutting the cord and giving DD to DH. After about an hour and a half of them PULLING...not apply tension to...but PULLING the cord, and me screaming every time they did it, they got a DR in to come and look. My midwife told me that the dr was going to have to pull it once more to see if she could get it to release and i had to give my consent. I asked that if i said STOP, would she stop straight away, to which i was told yes. The Dr started to pull, and i screamed for her to stop, and she just kept pulling!..DH Had to yell at her to stop. Anyhow, i was asked to get into another bed to be taken to theater, but i couldnt even move my legs, so they got someone to come and lift me. To cut out some more, i had to be taken to surgery to be cleaned out and repaired. I had dozens and dozens of internal and external stitches, and i didnt get to see DD until later that night when i woke up, and they had just left DH to sit with DD, no bottle, no pacifier, nothing...just him and a newborn baby (he didnt even turn 20 until the next month) alone with no help.
If i was to tell the whole story, it would be a book so i cant include anything, i understand people dont have 2 hours to read one post lol.
There hasnt been a day go by where i havent relived the whole experience in my head...every night before i go to bed, its like a movie being played over and over, or i can be driving along the motorway, and my thoughts will just drift over to that like im day dreaming. I can honestly say, other then having my daughter from the experience, it was the absolute worst time of my husbands and my life. So many mothers have told me that i have nothing to complain about cause my intense labour was only 2 hours with about 40 minutes of pushing and i was lucky to have it so quick. I beg to differ...i was alone, without an epidural or pethadine in an extremely quick intense labour, all i had was gas and no support person. I was terrified, bawling by myself for 2 hours, and then when DH finally got there, i was dilerious from pain and i continually screamed for another 2 hours after she was born. I feel like im emotionally scarred, and i cant get rid of the thoughts from my mind.
I always said that i wanted 2 children, but since the day i had her, i've changed my mind and said i'll never, ever give birth naturally again. Its only now that DD's 1, that i have my clucky moments when i see other newborns and pregnant mums, but i can honestly say, i dont think will never give birth again. I went as far as to question getting my tubes tied, but reliased i was too young anyway.
Am i selfish for being like this? So many people say im being stupid and have no right to think this way or its not my decision. I can only say that if they lived in my head for a year with the constant nightmares, daymares, and re-living the experience over, and over, that they may then begin to understand. I have now come to the agreement with myself, that i would possibly consider having another child, but only if it was delivered via c-section. I dont think they'd even give me one??? I guess that sounds stupid because the risks are higher and its a much longer recovery time which i understand as i've read up so much on it, but atleast its a somewhat more controlled environment (emergencies aside).
So i guess i wana know if anyone else has had the same issues with re-living the trauma, because i feel like an abnormal idiot who is just whining about nothing...and is it extremely selfish to possibly want another child, but not want to have a natural birth again? Sorry this was so long if you've taken the time to read it.
Thanx.
I didnt find out i was pregnant until i was 2 months along because i had endometriosiss so i was extremely irregular...after finding out i was pregnant, i had horrible all day sickness for along time, then as i started to put on weight, i couldnt walk properly cause i had so many problems with my joints and bones..To cut out most of the pregnancy, i ended up to pre-eclampsia and was in hospital for a week before they decided to induce me. Then things got even better.
(BTW, i know SO many other women have had so much worse then me, and i feel bad for them, but this was bad for me, so im just having my little rant, cause i've never been able to talk to anyone about it).
After being induced, my DH got told to go home because it was a first baby so it was gunna be a looonnnggg labour...2 hours down the track, they broke my waters and about 10 minutes later i was trying to tell my MW i needed to push, and she said i shouldnt need to push yet but she checked me anyway...I was fully dialated, and she told someone to get my DH here "NOW"..I was booked in for an epidural but was told i couldnt have one now because it was too late, so i had gas instead...I had a midwife and a student telling me not to push until DH got there, so i tried, but to no avail..when u gotta push, u gotta push. DH got there just in time...after about half n hr of pushing and going through it all alone, DD was born, all in one go...I can remember feeling like i was torn in 2, and all i could do was scream. I had a 3rd degree tear, and i couldnt even sit up to hold DD.
They gave me an injection after cutting the cord and giving DD to DH. After about an hour and a half of them PULLING...not apply tension to...but PULLING the cord, and me screaming every time they did it, they got a DR in to come and look. My midwife told me that the dr was going to have to pull it once more to see if she could get it to release and i had to give my consent. I asked that if i said STOP, would she stop straight away, to which i was told yes. The Dr started to pull, and i screamed for her to stop, and she just kept pulling!..DH Had to yell at her to stop. Anyhow, i was asked to get into another bed to be taken to theater, but i couldnt even move my legs, so they got someone to come and lift me. To cut out some more, i had to be taken to surgery to be cleaned out and repaired. I had dozens and dozens of internal and external stitches, and i didnt get to see DD until later that night when i woke up, and they had just left DH to sit with DD, no bottle, no pacifier, nothing...just him and a newborn baby (he didnt even turn 20 until the next month) alone with no help.
If i was to tell the whole story, it would be a book so i cant include anything, i understand people dont have 2 hours to read one post lol.
There hasnt been a day go by where i havent relived the whole experience in my head...every night before i go to bed, its like a movie being played over and over, or i can be driving along the motorway, and my thoughts will just drift over to that like im day dreaming. I can honestly say, other then having my daughter from the experience, it was the absolute worst time of my husbands and my life. So many mothers have told me that i have nothing to complain about cause my intense labour was only 2 hours with about 40 minutes of pushing and i was lucky to have it so quick. I beg to differ...i was alone, without an epidural or pethadine in an extremely quick intense labour, all i had was gas and no support person. I was terrified, bawling by myself for 2 hours, and then when DH finally got there, i was dilerious from pain and i continually screamed for another 2 hours after she was born. I feel like im emotionally scarred, and i cant get rid of the thoughts from my mind.
I always said that i wanted 2 children, but since the day i had her, i've changed my mind and said i'll never, ever give birth naturally again. Its only now that DD's 1, that i have my clucky moments when i see other newborns and pregnant mums, but i can honestly say, i dont think will never give birth again. I went as far as to question getting my tubes tied, but reliased i was too young anyway.
Am i selfish for being like this? So many people say im being stupid and have no right to think this way or its not my decision. I can only say that if they lived in my head for a year with the constant nightmares, daymares, and re-living the experience over, and over, that they may then begin to understand. I have now come to the agreement with myself, that i would possibly consider having another child, but only if it was delivered via c-section. I dont think they'd even give me one??? I guess that sounds stupid because the risks are higher and its a much longer recovery time which i understand as i've read up so much on it, but atleast its a somewhat more controlled environment (emergencies aside).
So i guess i wana know if anyone else has had the same issues with re-living the trauma, because i feel like an abnormal idiot who is just whining about nothing...and is it extremely selfish to possibly want another child, but not want to have a natural birth again? Sorry this was so long if you've taken the time to read it.
Thanx.