Not happy DH

[Jorja]

Hi,
DS is 5 weeks now everything has been great but im startin to see some strain on my relationship with DH. Today was his work picnic day, our first real family outing. Things started out fine but by half way through the day DH was off with mates DS was in the carrier and since DH was smoking (which i hate!) i had to carry him all day. When it was time to go DH pleaded to go to the pub quickly to watch the end of the BAthurst 1000 because we would have missed it had we driven home. I agreed as there is a beer garden and some other families were going too. When we got there there was a band on in the garden (pretty loud) and the race was on in the bar. Of course DH disappeared into the bar and wasnt seen for sometime. When he did come back and i said i wanted to go but could he go and find Kates (another abandoned mums) husband he disappeared again. I finally sent someone else to find them and they were both outside smoking. ARGHH! Does anyone else find this completely selfish? It wasnt even a child friendly pub. Of course it ended up in a fight when i said anything. We had such a great social life together before DS. Any advice that may help please!!!

[Lastcenturymum]

Hi. That is tough and so is adjusting to life with another family member to consider! I don't know what your communication was like before having bubs, but it takes a lot more work to keep your relationship on track once you have a baby to consider, and he does need to consider baby's needs now. It's hard for some guys to adjust and adapt and not still live life the way they used to. I actually thought it was good of you to go to the pub, I probably wouldn't have! Just keep the communication going and ask if he could see the inconvenience it was to both of you. After all, you had been to his work picnic and he could easily have watched the race end at home on the telly.

[Bewitched]

I understand it must have felt long and draining for you, quite honestly i would have gone home and left him at the pub with his friends. And i dont mean that in a nasty way either. Its a work picnic, why shouldnt he have fun with his mates? At the same time, you shouldnt have to sit around a pub if you dont want too. I would've asked DH to take me home and then offered for him to return if he wanted too. A 'work picnic' doesnt sound like much of a family outing to me thats all, i know when im socialising with people from work i sometimes forget poor DH is there :( You are both probably feeling tired at the moment because a five week old bub is hard work, so he could've been more sensitive to your feelings on that day yes :hugs:

[mim1]

:hugs: well done for getting out of the house for the afternoon with a 5 week old. Its hard.

I remember going to a conference with dh when our ds was 7 weeks old. It was our first time away with a child and lots of adjustment needed to happen. Dh did not realise how much things had changed and neither did I really. Things change a lot and you're used to help around the house, so as a mum I expected lots of help when we were away. But, dh had to speak at the conference and lots of people wanted to speak to him at other times. So, that meant I was mostly on my own. I got mad at dh, but in reality it was just a transition time for us - working out a new balance.

Talk to your dh, explain how & why you found yesterday difficult. Do it in a non-judgemental way if you can. Then, talk about how things could be different next time - such as you going home at the pub stage and him getting a lift home. Talk when you're not too tired (hard at the moment I know) and when you're not feeling too angry about it.

[2s'nuff]

:hugs::hugs: Getting out with your new bub was an achievement:yelclap:.

New bubs take lots of adjustments. Both you and DH will have to learn to both give and take. I still find DH does his own thing when we go to social events where his friends/work colleges are. Men tend to forget about all the things that need to get done when the socialising starts.

Like Bewitched suggested, I would have got DH to take me home or drop him off at the pub and gone home myself. Pubs and men being Dads (especially new Dads) don't mix.

[UmmInayah]

You can still have a good social life with bub, just have to find the right places to go and the right people to be with.

It's hard when a lot of your mutual friends don't have children of their own, but in time you will work something out.

I would probably have told my DH there and then that I was tired of carrying bub around and if he could please help out, rather than wait until something else happened, and then something else and then just talk about it later. Sometimes it's best to just nip it in the bud. People don't always know how you feel unless you tell them.

[mischief79]

Good on you for pretty much getting through a stressful afternoon with a newborn on your own.

Are you able to sit down properley with your DH and let him know how you felt at the picnic and at the pub? Maybe he really has no idea that what he did was wrong. Women tend to slip straight into motherhood role and put the baby first, but I don't think it always happens so easily for the man. I say this with experience....my DH and I separated when DD was 5 months old and one of the big reasons was that he never put her first. He would have a cigarette and then pick her straight up. He thought it was fine for us to go places and for him to act exactly like he did before she was born, and just leave me to deal with the baby. I hope that you are able to sit down with him and really talk about the fact that both of your lives have changed, not just yours
Good luck!