Slow speaker, socially backward-I feel a failure

[RuthK]

Hi all

My 3 year old son has always been a slower to speak than others. At 2 it became apparent that he was really struggling, although we were told by a professional that he wasn't ready for speech therapy yet. Now he is ready and we are on a few waiting lists for local therapists. Because of his speech, my son is socially backward as well. He cant communicate freely with other children and so interracts only spasmodically with them (ie: will run around madly in a game of chasy, then reverts to playing with his own with cars for the rest of his time with the kids). If he feels as though his needs are not being met or he is not getting enough attention he throws a tantrum that would put most other kids to shame, with him often purposefully hurting himself to get attention.

As a result I find going to playgroups and others' houses very frustrating as I have to either devote all my attention to him or put up with his tantrums, which hurts me to watch. He has a 2 year old sister and 5 month old brother as well who are very happy little children, but often get pushed aside to allow me to deal with my son.

I know that my son was born with his problem, and I know I am doing everything I can do help it get rectified by seeking outside help. But although everyone promises help for him, no-one is promising help for me to learn how to deal with him. I feel like a failure of a mum because I cannot help him better than I'd like. I also feel ashamed at times that it is always my son who is the disturance or the backward one in a group of children. I have very little time away from my children as I feel as though they need me as much as they can get, yet many times I feel so trapped by the pressure of it all.

Do any other mums of special needs children feel the same?

R

[MissBrightside]

I don't have any advice for you and I don't know what its like having a special needs child. But by the sounds of it you are doing an excellent job. It must be really hard sometimes, but you are doing your best for all your children and Im sure deep down they know you are too!
:hugs: to you!

[suemp]

my son required speech and physio therapy from about the age of 6 months. once you are in the system they offer "homework" for things for you to do at home to help your child, well they did for me anyway.my son has started pre school and has trouble socialising and i still worry that he will be the poor kid every one picks on, although it is out of my hands.i have a good friend who has a son the same age and they get to spend a lot of one on one time together. when its more kids my son gets over whelmed too, and i think the fact that he has one good friend has helped his self esteem. also my son has started martial arts which is good for self esteem although they usually dont start till 4 years old. my son started speech therapy about 2 and half (maybe earlier) and at that age it is about getting them to use thier mouths in different ways so play games like blowing out pretend candles, making choo choo noises like a train. etc etc...and praise praise praise. good luck with it all feel free to pm me:hugs:

[will&samsmum]

Hi Ruth,

My son has a rare brain disorder and has been having Physio and Occupational Therapy since 10 weeks of age...he is now 2. Speech Therapy started when he was 1 1/2. All of these services are provided free to us at the Royal Brisbane Childrens Hospital. My son also cannot communicate with other kids and prefers to just sit and play with his own toys. Fortunately for us he is a very happy good natured little boy and does not throw tantrums or hurt himself......I feel for you that you have to go through that. Have you thought about joining a support group??? They can be very helpful and share tips and thoughts with you that only other parents with Special Needs Children know about. Also have you spoken to your GP about your distress?? I am very lucky and have a wonderful GP who is there for me whenever I need to talk. For awhile there he put me on anti depressants and they really helped me get a handle on everything. I am now off them but they really helped when I needed them. You are definetly not a failure. You are doing everything p[ossible to help your little man. You should be proud of yourself and your efforts. Someone told me once that Special Children are given to Special Mothers.......and that is just what you are....a special Mum. Don't feel ashamed......you have a beautiful son........he is not backwards he is just developing at his own rate......not the rate so called "normal" children develop at...but that's OK. He is not other children...he is who he is and that is something to be proud of. Maybe his disturnbances and tantrums are pure frustration. People who know and care about you will not hold any of this against you or him.....they will relise it is just a part of him.....the part that makes him a special child. One thing I learnt early on is that William is Willam and he goes by his own set of rules....I threw all the milestone books away as they only made me sad and anxious. William is 2 and still not walking or talkin and he probably won't be for at least another year if not more. His weekly therapies are hard work and heartbreaking to watch at times but as the old saying goes....no pain no gain....they just have to be done to help him reach his full potential and yes sometimes they do make me feel trapped. Has your son been diagnosed with any disorder?? I know how you feel about feeling trapped sometimes......William has never been away from me.....and that is the way I want it but sometimes it does feel so restricting. I am sure you are doing all the right things and everything will be OK it will just take a bit of extra time. Everything you are feeling is normal. Take care of you and big cuddles to your little boy. Please feel free to contact me if you ever need to chat.

Emma :hugs:

[RuthK]

Sue

I think martial arts might be a goer next year for sure. The other option is looking at swim school as he loves swimming and the activity could help him so much. I am trying praising him as much as possible. Have his first speech therapy lesson tomorrow so feeling a bit better now that help is on it's way.

It is hard though, isn't it, being the mum of the kid who's struggling, when all the other mothers are out their boasting about how brilliant their kid is. I wish they'd stop their boasting and be a little more sensitive to the mothers who haven't got as much to boast about at the moment.

R

[3TinLids]

Hi RuthK,

You sound like us 12 months ago. Our son Julian has verbal dyspraxia and was only officially diagnosed just before his 3rd birthday (he is 4 in August). Julian was not at all verbal 12 months ago. He understood everything but was not able to communicate verbally. We were able to understand some of his sounds and body language but generally could not work out what he wanted. He would throw ripper tantrums 10+ times a day and was VERY backward socially (He would stand between my legs and hide his face or hide under tables etc). We started group speech therapy at 2 and a half but this did nothing and didn't offer us any answers! It was only when he started one on one therapy that we got the diagosis of verbal dyspraxia and we saw some improvement. I found looking after him very difficult at this time. Many tears were shed for my beautiful boy. However, we are doing so well now. His speech has come along amazingly and he has improved so much socially. He is still a shy little boy but is coming out of his shell. He has started pre-entry at kindy and is starting to reach out a little to make friends. I could almost cry now with the joy of seeing him become the happy little boy I knew he could be. We still have the odd tantrum but I am told that they will resolve as his speech gets better.

I hope that this gives you a little help. What you are feeling is very normal. When I was feeling really overwhelmed I used to think that Julian being a "special needs" child meant that he was "special" - and he really is and I tell him this often. It also means that you are a special mummy!! Please feel free to read the 'Verbal dyspraxia' thread or PM me if you want to talk more.

Good luck


Rebecca:)

[mysonroger]

God, I'm almost choked up here reading how wonderful you mothers are and how much love you have for your children. my children are normal kids but i always wondered if something went wrong or a condition were to develop i could imagine it being tough while at the same time wanting to protect them with all my might and not let any negative comments fall with in their earshot. good luck everybody.

[~beckkles~]

Ruth,
I had to post to let you know you are doing a wonderful job.
I am married to a man that was born without oxygen for 10 minutes it has some high technical name but he is wonderful.
Socially umm he will not go out of his way to talk to people especially new friends and is often misjudged as rude. But one on one with me he is highly intelligent and puts me to shame most the time. Best of all he has a remarklable relationship with his mum she still gets the cuddles everytime we see her not bad for a 36 year old son.
Bec

[caitsmum]

Ruth

I agree with beckkles - you are doing a fantasitc job.

I have a daughter with ataxic CP, she is also missing part of the white matter in her brain. At the age of two she could not walk and could only key word sign. We were told that she would never ride a bike, run, talk in sentences and more recently that she would grow up to be illiterate.

This little girl rides a bike like a deamon. She competed in her first cross country at school last week. Loves to do show and tell. I now have to ask her to stop talking (OMG I thought I would NEVER do that). She can also recognise all the letters of the alphabet. Can recognise the numbers 1-5 in text and knows the amount that they represent. She is only 5.

I do understand that the age and stage your son is at at the moment is very, very difficult. I found sometimes and it still is now that it is one step forward then two steps back. My daughter seems to have "spurts" for lack of a better word and then stagnates.

I hope that you are able to find the help and support that you need for your son. The day will come when your son reaches a milestone that he has had to work very hard for and you will be able to truley treasure it. His milestones will come with extra strength and determination and you will never take them as a given part of life. I for one can't wait to hear your boasts. Please let us know.

[Maghan]

Whatever you do, do not blame yourself. There is nothing you could've done to change the way your little person has turned out. What you can do is give them the best chance to have a "normal" life. Early intervention is the key.

Whilst I have cried a river of tears for my little boy, I also see how far he has come. Like 3boysmum we have come so far. My little boy is 5 and 1/2 now. Tantrums are a rareity, he sings, he dances, he has friends, he doesn't hold on to my legs and look at people from behind my skirt, he is confident! Sure, he isn't on par with all the other kid's at preschool, but I'm so proud of him. He will do well and that is because I love him and will fight for him every step of the way. A mother's love has an amazing way of opening doors... make people see him through your eyes!

[suemp]

as i posted before my son is in preschool and having difficulty socialising.from your experiences if you see your child being teased so forth do you jump in to their defence or try to take a back seat and see if they can sort it out themselves. having trouble with finding the line to draw at the moment. cheers:D
ps beckles your dh sounds like a sweetheart;)

[Maghan]

as i posted before my son is in preschool and having difficulty socialising.from your experiences if you see your child being teased so forth do you jump in to their defence or try to take a back seat and see if they can sort it out themselves. having trouble with finding the line to draw at the moment. cheers:D
ps beckles your dh sounds like a sweetheart;)

That is so hard. I have been known to step in and speak to the children who have teased Rylan in the past. Their parent's sometimes seem oblivious (or ignorant). You should also talk to the pre-school teacher. They need to take charge of this situation for when you are not there.

But at the end of the day it may just be the ugly side of human nature. My very normal and bubbly DD (3) was told by other girls at Kindy that she couldn't be a princess because her hair was too short (it's just not grown much in her little life).

As parents we have to protect our kids, whether it be from siblings or outsiders. So if you see a nasty little kid being mean to your baby, you stick up for him. He has to know that you will be there for him and can rely on you.

Rant now over!

[MammaMia]

As parents we have to protect our kids, whether it be from siblings or outsiders. So if you see a nasty little kid being mean to your baby, you stick up for him. He has to know that you will be there for him and can rely on you.



:yelclap: There endeth a great lesson for us all for Mother's Day.

[Maghan]

:yelclap: There endeth a great lesson for us all for Mother's Day.

MM, that's very flattering, thank you.

[caitsmum]

I agree with Maghan too - you need to stick up for your kids when they can't do it for themselves.

There are a lot of ignorant adults out there that pass their own ignorance about children with special needs on to their own children. When my daughter was 2, I took her to an indoor playground. We were in the baby area because she didn't have the physical abilities to access the larger equipment. A mother with a 12 month old child started talking to me and asked how old my daughter was and when I said 2 she gave my daughter and I an awful look and promptly picked up her child and left the area. I felt like going up and saying to her not to worry because CP isn't catching.

[RuthK]

Well my update is that my son started private speech therapy last week (I'll give up buying new clothes for a while to pay for it) and he concentrated with the lovely speech therapist for the whole hour (whilst I concentrated in her waiting room on the lovely ocean views outside her window!). I will have to mention verbal dyspraxia to her, perhaps that could be his problem. And now I'm going to try and claim a carers payment from Centrelink that we may be entitled to, to help with the costs.

Thankfully there hasn't been any bullying of him at kinder. The teachers are so good and his best friend (friends outside of kindy beforehand) is the most verbal child there, so he has a champion. Quite lucky really.

Thanks for all your support!

[LitVoiceSP]

Hi Ruth,

How is your child's speech going? I'm a Speech Pathologist myself and I just love reading all the wonderful posts from all the very dedicated mothers out there, and wish that many more of the children I work with had parents as dedicated as you. I hope things are coming along well, and if you ever have any questions about your child's progress or speech related questions in general feel free to pm me.

Elise

[Gloominous]

Hi there I am new to this so I dont know if this is still being read, but anyway, My 3 1/2yr old has been in speech therapy for about 2 yrs now, she had constant ear infections for over a year - so couldn't hear properly (now they tell me!) Daycare is great to get her social skills going, but she finds loud noises scary and won't play in enclosed places with others (like macca's play tunnels) I no what you mean about feeling like a failure as she has now developed a stutter and they inform me she is developmentally delayed (whatever!) They give us "homework" to do with her, but unfortunately it's not fun so she rarely wants to do more than a minute at a time. anyway hang in there, I'm sure it will all get better.

[Gloominous]

After all my ranting yesterday I forgot to let you know my point (distracted with breastfeeding sorry) DD loves music, even if she cant get the words right or out fast enough it's still good practice & she loves it to bits. Hope it helps.:)

[Maghan]

Hi Altmum, sorry that no one replied to you quickly. Get on here whenever you want a vent or a chat, most of us are up for it!

[Maghan]

Cel, sometimes it's hard finding someone to help. I think we've been lucky in finding a great doctor, school and speech therapist. You need to be vigilant in recruiting people for your child's "team", so don't give in.

I see you live in Toowoomba, I can highly recommend getting in to see Dr Michael McDowell at the Child Development Network in the Mater Hospital in Brisbane. He's given us an enormous amount of help and also helped many others.