not doing it!!

[cjb/jbvd]

dear everyone

i posted an 'uncertain' thread here a short while ago about not being too sure about donating to a friend that asked. after all the warnings and advice i still decided to do it. well that's changed.

i'm not doing it for the person who claimed to be my friend.
ever
she lied to me.:mad:
in a very major way
and i only just found out today!
not happy at all!!!!!
and she was never going to tell me the truth, because even when i questioned her over it, she still continued to lie!!!!! :mad:

please don't be angry with me ladies. i know how important and special it is to all of you that the right person comes along to grant your deepest hope of a child. i wouldn't have changed my mind unless something very important had done it. i didn't make the decision lightly in the first place, and i'm not 'backing out' now because of anything less than the most important reason either.

i'm really hurt because if she'd just been honest from the beginning, then maybe i wouldn't have minded so much. someone who is supposed to be my friend has turned out to be a user and not a very nice person at all. i wish i had listened to you ladies from the start. :crying:

i will however, one day, do this for another, much more deserving person.
this is because after reading everyone's heartache and joy about going through finding a donor and finally having their much loved and wanted child, i will gladly and with all my heart help to spread the joy if i can. you ladies are all such wonderful people that i feel fully confidant that any child you have will be very lucky indeed. :hugs: thankyou all for opening my eyes and my heart about the gift i can grant someone. and i sincerely hope that you all find the person who can be the right one for you. you all deserve so much to be happy.

[xkwzit]

Hi Cinova

I am glad that you have it within you to give this most priceless of gifts and I know that when you are ready, you will find someone totally deserving of it.

Bug hugs to you
Kudos for sticking by your principles:thumbsup:

Cheers

[Fairyfloss]

You are a very nobel person, for wanting to give such a precious gift, you will get the chance to give it to someone who really deserve it, well done:yes:

[MumsieMel]

Im so sorry this person has decieved you like this :no:

But im glad you found out sooner rather than later,

And good one you for thinking of doing it for some one else.

If you dont mind me asking what was so bad that she lied about?
You dont have to talk about if you dont feel comfortable, i was just curious

[cjb/jbvd]

no that's ok, you can ask, i don't mind.

she lied about having a partner, and about her age!!

so i figure those are big enough lies that i don't want to be a part of this anymore. or am i just being a b***h about it??

[M O P]

This is a very serious thing you've offered for your "friend", it's not something that should be entered in to lightly.
If you're not 100% happy about the whole thing don't proceed. It's not being horrible to stick to your own principles.

[OM]

That was incredibly generous of you to offer such a precious gift, she really should have been honest with you!;)

[MumsieMel]

Well they are a prety big deal in my opinion. I think you made the right choice. :yes:

Besides if she lied about stuff like that makes you wonder what else she has or will lie about :thumbsdown:

[cjb/jbvd]

thanks mel

yeah i wondered the same thing!!

[provencein3]

I am a sole parent who is looking for an egg donor to have a sibling for my son. I have to say I can understand your friend's desperation to the point that she thought it best to lie about having a partner. From my experience I would say sole parents/single mums aren't looked upon so favourably when choosing someone to donate to.

this quote was made on a forum in relation to the 63 year British lady having a child by donor egg

if they are both in well health, have a supportive family and can give the child love and affection then i see no problem. I didn't agree with that woman who had one when she was on her own with no one around to help because had she died she would have had no one to take on the child and she'd have ended up in care.

It indicates something of what we are up against.

Because a couple is a couple when a child is conceived doesn't mean they will stay that way ( due to death or separation) and similarly a single person may not remain single either. Because someone is single doesn't mean they're completely devoid of friends/support people. For example I have a male friend who is not someone I would have married but who is a good support with my son and whom my son adores and asks to see constantly. My son still has a male role model without some of the aggression that occurs in families with a bad marriage or that can occur after separation

The fact that we're single doesn't mean we want or deserve a child even less.

Unfortunately donating involves some type of relationship with the donor and as you have all acknowledged is a major gift. Lying will only result in the response you've given. Obviously your friend has not made the best choice of action.

I don't think you were ever totally comfortable with donating at this time (to this person perhaps) which is a good indication for both parties to just walk away. It wasn't right.

[cjb/jbvd]

to provencein3,

i myself am a single mother, though i certainly didn't plan it that way. i have absolutely no objection to a single mum going through a donor to have a child. i personally think that anyone who has enough love and time to devote to a child should be given the chance.

what i care about is that she lied to me about it. she tried to use me, and that's not nice. not when there are people like yourself and other couples out there who are much more worthy.

f there is no trust between donor and recipient, especially when the recipient is supposed to be a friend, then i don't feel comfortable going through with it.

does that make you feel a little better about where i'm coming from??

[sarahstarfish]

Hi C

Ouch for you, have followed your story and although am sad you had to go through this, I guess best you find out now than AFTER egg pick-up.

It is a huge deal to sniff and inject drugs for someone else, to have a general anesthetic, to be away from your children, to juggle your life for a few weeks, all on someone else's behalf and at absolutely no gain for yourself beyond a feeling of satisfaction of having 'helped'. It is a huge deal to gift someone your genes, and your children's genes, that very special and unique part of you. It is a huge deal to look at giving your own children genetic half siblings to get their heads around now and later on. So yes, the very least I would expect from a recipient is basic honesty, no matter how desperate they were.

As a donor the only safety net you have is your recipient's goodwill to honour any agreement or understanding between you - I think your friend has a long way to go, and although I really feel for her, she needs a bit of a reality check about what it is she is asking someone to do.

Good on you for standing up for yourself. There are some very caring recipients out there who really DO appreciate what a donor goes through and understand just what is involved for you. Unfortunately there are a few kooks on both sides of the fence as well.

Love

Cindy

[provencein3]

I agree with your decision. Unless someone goes for an anon donation, there is always going to be some sort of relationship there. Some start out with agreeing just to swap photos etc but then when they start cycling and get involved in the "cheer squad" to bring on the child, a relationship develops.

If you're a single mum also, I'm suprised she felt a need to lie, as single mums generally are the most understanding.

She obviously didn't think it through very well.

[babydreams]

Oh Boy...I am so relieved to read that you have pulled out of this situation, I was so concerned for you.

I'm very sorry that someone you considered to be a friend has let you down so badly :gloomy: , but as others have said...better to know now. The whole thing rang my alarm bells big time...

she expected you to stop breastfeeding your own child
she wanted you to lie to your child
she has now lied to you about some of the most fundamental things about her life

Steer well clear of her...she is a poisonous person.

You sound like such a generous soul and it's beautiful that you still want to help someone after this bad experience. I'm sure that one day when you're ready you will find a beautiful recipient to donate to and have a joyful, fulfilling experience.

Hugs :hugs: ,
Babydreams xx