What to do?? CC??

[monkeygirl39]

DS is 13mths and has been a high needs bub from the beginning! I have done several posts under sleeping. But this is one problem that hasn't improved and I'm wondering if CC is the way to go??

He is a mummies boy!! And it's driving me nuts!! Wants to be carried, held, cries if I put him down, he can be happy with someone else (even dad) and he will hear or see me and he turns into a blubbering mess....seperation anxiety??? He cries when he has to wait more than 2 sec for any food, he won't give things a go...it just seems all too hard for him and he crumbles, he hasn't even tried!! I can't get anything done around the house!

We have tried everything, we praise, jump up and down, do dances, DVD, fav toys, I get down to his level and try to reassue him etc. Some days I can let him cry for 5mins other days I can't at all. DH says to let him cry that is the only way he will learn. Well, I let him cry and I feel so sorry and sad for him, after 10 mins he has the puffiest red eyes, snot whipped everywhere and has that rapid, gasping breath, sigh kinda thing happening. He gets so worked up and is beside himself.

What to do!!! I can't keep carrying him around or listen to him cry and cry on when I put him down!! I just want a happy 13 month old that doesn't need my attention every minute of the day!!

Any help???:confused:.

[ButterflyMama]

I know it's frustrating and hard, but it sounds like all he needs is you. Invest in a good carrier like an Ergo for example or a Kozy Mei Tai and wear him while you do day to day things. Being around him like that will reassure him and he'll gradually let go. He is still so young, still a baby. He is crying because he is trying to tell you something, so listen to him.

[V8]

I know what you're going through too my DS was like that at that age, come to think of it, he's quite like that at nearly 3 aswell. I agree with Butterflymumma, sometimes kids are just highly needy, i know with my DS if i let him cry he would get so so so so worked up it would take even longer to calm him down and more stress for me and for him. I found i just had to respond to him when he needed me, otherwise it just wasn't worth the meltdown. A carrier is probably a great idea so you can get things done around the house while he still knows where you are.

I also found that 13 months was particularly difficult because they are becoming more mobile, more aware and everything is fascinating yet they don't have the development to be able to tell us what they want therefore they get frustrated very easily. I hope you get some relief soon, but go easy on yourself parenting a child especially one with high needs is very difficult.

As a side note, my second is waaaaay easier, so there is hope and don't feel like you are failing him some kids are just like that and i know i gave myself a hard time for him being like that, but he is who he is and he is still the same.

[PrestonPie]

DS is 13mths and has been a high needs bub from the beginning! I have done several posts under sleeping. But this is one problem that hasn't improved and I'm wondering if CC is the way to go??

He is a mummies boy!! And it's driving me nuts!! Wants to be carried, held, cries if I put him down, he can be happy with someone else (even dad) and he will hear or see me and he turns into a blubbering mess....seperation anxiety??? He cries when he has to wait more than 2 sec for any food, he won't give things a go...it just seems all too hard for him and he crumbles, he hasn't even tried!! I can't get anything done around the house!

We have tried everything, we praise, jump up and down, do dances, DVD, fav toys, I get down to his level and try to reassue him etc. Some days I can let him cry for 5mins other days I can't at all. DH says to let him cry that is the only way he will learn. Well, I let him cry and I feel so sorry and sad for him, after 10 mins he has the puffiest red eyes, snot whipped everywhere and has that rapid, gasping breath, sigh kinda thing happening. He gets so worked up and is beside himself.

What to do!!! I can't keep carrying him around or listen to him cry and cry on when I put him down!! I just want a happy 13 month old that doesn't need my attention every minute of the day!!

Any help???:confused:.

If bub is happy with someone else but goes to pieces when he sees you then it sounds like he's being a bit bossy and pushing your buttons.

i know others have a different view but at some point children need to know they are not the boss and they don't get to 'control' everything around them.
putting him down when you need to do something is not unreasonable so whilst it is hard you need to just continue doing what you were. he'll eventually get sick of it. once he learns he can't boss you and get his own way every time he'll become more reasonable. i'm not sure how you plan to tackle it but not giving in every time helps, otherwise it is as you said just exhausting.



goodluck

[monkeygirl39]

If bub is happy with someone else but goes to pieces when he sees you then it sounds like he's being a bit bossy and pushing your buttons.

i know others have a different view but at some point children need to know they are not the boss and they don't get to 'control' everything around them.
putting him down when you need to do something is not unreasonable so whilst it is hard you need to just continue doing what you were. he'll eventually get sick of it. once he learns he can't boss you and get his own way every time he'll become more reasonable. i'm not sure how you plan to tackle it but not giving in every time helps, otherwise it is as you said just exhausting.



goodluck

This is exactly how hubby feels- "he is just testing me". And most of the time I think he is as well, the problem is he has been like this since birth-high needs and he has eased up probably 5% over that time. I use to carry him round in a sling, but he is too heavy, and all the old tricks are not working any more. Like pushing round the house ing the pram as i go from room to room. His fussyness has been noted by everyone when I am around him and then when I'm not he's ok. Nana's, girlfriends with their bubs, hlth & child maternal nurse (she has been very supportive). But it get's to a point when he has been fed, played with etc and I need to do stuff!! Some days I can let him cry for 10 mins tops while I try and do things other days I can't stant the crying and screaming!!

[KatiesMum]

:hugs:

It is so hard when all they seem to need is your 100% constant and undivided attention!!!

I dont really have much in the way of suggestions.

Controlled crying is usually used as a method for sleeping and settling .. not necessarily for the child/toddler who is clingy and distressed at seperation/inattention during the day, so in order for this to work for you, you would need to modify it a bit to suit your circumstances.

The truth is some parents/children are ok with controlled crying, and in others it just creates more stress.

Perhaps set things up during the day for set periods at a time ... make sure that he is happy and content (ie not hungry, tired, wet etc) and prepare yourself for a set period of distress .... try and get something to entertain and distract him and get him used to playing by himself ...

Whatever you decide to do ... :hugs::hugs::hugs: It isnt easy

[fludo]

Maybe start trying to leave him for really short intervals during the day. Like after you change his nappy, pop him down in his cot or on the floor while go and wash your hands, and say "I'm just going to wash my hands, I'll be right back", and come back as promised. When he can handle that, gradually increase the length of time you stay away. I think little and often is the key. Just keep doing it at as many opportunities as you can, and don't make a fuss of him when you come back even if he's upset. I think that reinforces that he wasn't ok without you.

[PrestonPie]

His fussyness has been noted by everyone when I am around him and then when I'm not he's ok.

you poor thing, that is just exhausting, i really feel for you. mum does everything and the last thing we need is to be bossed around and have no time to ourselves.:no:

I don't have any suggestions except to try to ignore his bossy times and get done what you have to. Maybe do it in increments, like if you have to get a job done go back to him after 5 mins, then stretch to 10 then up to 15 and so on.
If he is ok when you're not there he is just bossing you but it's a habit he's had for a long time now so it's not going to be so easy to break. persevere, he'll get it eventually.
good luck:)

[AM]

It really is a tough age. Separation anxiety can be at it's height, so I just always tried my best to be available, and kept in mind that it was just a stage, and "this too shall pass" and it did...

Hang in there.

And if you haven't tried a back carrier, they are pretty good. :)

[summermumma]

Very tricky one! I think you can only do CC effectively if you are 100% committed to it. We followed the method recommended in the book 'Save Our Sleep' by Tizzy Hall and found it really helpful. The key is to be really consistent - if you let him cry for 5 minutes one day and then still go in, he learns that crying for 5 mins will eventually get your attention - and will try it for the next 5 days because they remember!!!
My only other concern is the particular age of your DS because separation anxiety often peaks around 13 / 14 months, and if his is worse than normal currently maybe it's not the best time to start such a radical approach.

I fully understand how awful it is to listen to the screaming, particularly when they get to the sobbing stage. I guess you need to assess how important the sleep is for you and your DS - I eventually decided the benefits of everyone getting full nights sleep outweigh the initial trauma BUT it depends on how hard it is to 'train' your particular child. With my DD a lot of her 'needy' type behaviour improved when she started having longer day time sleeps instead of always waking after one sleep cycle.

[UmmInayah]

If bub is happy with someone else but goes to pieces when he sees you then it sounds like he's being a bit bossy and pushing your buttons.


I have to disagree with this comment. Infact, the reason why your bub falls to pieces when he is with you is because he actually feels like he can be himself around you. He feels comfortable in your presence to express how he truly feels.

I think CC is usually only for sleep issues.. And I really don't think it would work in a situation where he needs you during the day. Infact, it might have the opposite effect, and he may cry more because he is scared you will leave him or scared you won't come back etc.

There was a show recently on ABC2 about a child who was "neglected" / "unloved" by her mother when she was little. The mum sought help when her DD was around 8 months old. They did a test later when she was around 16 months - They left her in a room with her mum, and she was playing with some toys. Her mum left the room without saying goodbye or reassuring her daughter she would be back soon. A stranger walked in the room. The little girl fought back tears and didn't cry. The stranger engaged in play with her.. The mum came back into the room, and her little girl threw a tantrum. Any other child missing their mother would be glad to see them. The reason why the little one threw a tantrum is because is was unsure if he mother would return, or if her mum woudl leave her again and not come back.

Anyway, of course this case is very extreme, and you are in no way doing this. But I guess it shows that sometimes children just need a little reassurance.

It is just a phase, and it should pass. If you're having issues with sleeping, then might be best to see if you can get into a sleep school or something like that? My opinion, anyway.