Roles of Step-Parents

[SassyMummy]

What do you think the role of a step-parent should be?

What rights should they have?

Should they be able to decide how their DSS/DSD is raised?

Any other opinions on step parents?

...

IMO, there are different types of step-parents.

The ones that live with you, in your house, are, IMO, non-biological parents. (Unless the child is a teenager...in which case I think it unfair to expect the child to treat the step-parent as anything more than a live-in close family friend). They are there to tell you off when you're being naughty and to generally act as an extra parent. Providing they wish to do so of course. I don't think they should expect to be called "Mum" or "Dad" or anything...and I think that, if they have been the step-parent of this child for quite a number of years and since the child was young, they have the right to help decide how the child is raised.

Partners of parents that children do not live with, and who the children see a few times a week or fortnightly or whatever, IMO, are like replacement teachers. They're there to act as a supervisor and help out as best they can, but not make any major decisions involving the child. For example, if the child lives with their mother but visits their father and step-mother occassionally, I think it's wrong if the step-mother decides that it's time for child to get her ears pierced or start drinking cows milk instead of formula or decides it's time for the step-child to start controlled crying if the mother has not yet started it. I just think that this kind of step-parent does not have any right to decide what this child SHOULD be doing and instead just uphold whatever values the mother has instilled on the child.

So, if the mother has started toilet-training and lets the father and step-mother know that the child is only wearing nappies at night...then I think the step-mother and hte father should not put nappies on him all day because tehy think it's too early or whatever.

These are just my opinions and I'm NOT a step-parent...it's just how I feel they should be, both from a parents perspective and from a child's perspective. I thought about how I'd like MY step-parents to be, and how I'd like a step-parent of my daughter to be.

[Starlet]

I'd agree with what you have said.

For example my DSD1 isn't actually my DPs daughter, we have custody of her as well as his biological daughter 3 days a week. DSD1 is 3 next month and is VERY ready to TT. But her mother doesn't want to(because she doesn't want her to pee on the carpet :banghead: ). DSD1 will be starting Kindy next year, so really time is running out.

My DP is slightly clueless about kids, he knows how to look after them, but not too sure about the whole TT business. So we've discussed it together and agreed that when she is with us to let her TT. She has been great and uses the potty here every time she is here and hardly ever has an accident, but it's like starting over again everytime she comes because her mother doesn't let her do it at home :banghead:

So there ARE situations where there should be some input from the step parent, I am the one TT my DSD1 as I did with my son.

I think you've got it pretty much spot on.

[MummyCharmzy]

I'm a stepparent and until the start of next year we have DSS 60% of the time, next year it increases however as he starts school.

I agree completely with what you said. I see myself as DSS's extra parent, we have two other children and another on the way so all decisions DP and I make regarding the kids: are in relation to ALL of the kids, he doesnt just decide things about DSS by himself because we are a family. Decisions are made from both of us.

Its not just about discipline though, its providing the same loving environment you do for all of your children... whether they are biologically yours or not.

My dad is my biological father yet not my brother and sisters... yet he raised them, and when my mum left.... my sister had alrready left home, but my brother stayed with my dad (he was almost 17 at the time tho). Thats how close they became, he accepted them as his own and they 'accepted' him as there own lol There father wasnt involved though. DS is not DP's son yet DP accepts him as his own and DS is too young to know any different atm. DSS on the other hand does see his mum so of course thats different, he knows who his mummy and daddy are and he knows that I'm Charmaine, his stepmummy.. and I'm Zach and bellas mummy.

[WeThree]

This is a very touchy subject, and one that needs to be approached delicatly. I think it is all well and good to have various opinions on what step parents should and shouldnt do, but unless you are one, or your partner is one, then you cant really understand all the dynamics.
Each families situation is different, so imo it is impossible to draw up any guidelines of what constitutes a step parent.
For eg you mentioned that if the primary carer is doing something, then the step parent should do the same, well my dsd is still given a bottle and a dummy by her mother, but seeing as she is 9, I do not give her one in my house. My husband is my oldest sons step father and he has much more of a parental role than I do with his daughter, because she spends more time with her mum, but my son doesnt spend much time with his dad, and lives with us full time, so it is all very different and there is no guidebook, although sometimes I wish there was!

[munchkin05]

i am a step mummy and i dont agree with alot that you said

first 1 of my step sons (15) lives with me and dp and sees his mother every fortnight for the weekend i am his main care giver as dp works long hours and normally it is me and dss on our own untill 8pm i am the one that gets him up for school goes to school meeting etc i dont expect to be called mum never have been but i do expect some respect from him and i do get it

dss2 comes to us only on weekends and his mother has some warped ideas first he only eats take away with her so when he is with us i make sure there is a healthy meal on the table and he doesnt leave untill he eats all of his veg at least he still sleeps with his mum every night at our house he sleeps in his own bed etc i involve myself in his schooling by talking to teachers because he has problems at school but the mother doesnt want to admit this and refuses to goto any meetings anything that we feel we would like to do with dss2 my dp and i discuss we have as much right as his mother to have a say in the way he is raised etc

i think this is very touch subject mother and father should have equal say in the way that the child is raised and i also think to a certain point a step mother or father should be able to have some input as well

with dss1 if there is issues with school work etc his dad mother and i get toghether and discuss what should be done and come up with ways to solve the problem

i agree if it is a casual fling they shouldnt get a say but i think step parents (some of them there is horriable stories) should get to beableto put there point across and have a say in whats happening with the children

but thats just my opinion

[EskimoMumma]

This is a very touchy subject, and one that needs to be approached delicatly. I think it is all well and good to have various opinions on what step parents should and shouldnt do, but unless you are one, or your partner is one, then you cant really understand all the dynamics.
Each families situation is different, so imo it is impossible to draw up any guidelines of what constitutes a step parent.
For eg you mentioned that if the primary carer is doing something, then the step parent should do the same, well my dsd is still given a bottle and a dummy by her mother, but seeing as she is 9, I do not give her one in my house. My husband is my oldest sons step father and he has much more of a parental role than I do with his daughter, because she spends more time with her mum, but my son doesnt spend much time with his dad, and lives with us full time, so it is all very different and there is no guidebook, although sometimes I wish there was!

I too believe this is a very touchy subject , one that should not be taken lightly either. So happens to be that Charmzy is my DS's stepmother. I believe it does depend on how long they have been in the childs life, regardless of who sees who for x amount of time. I believe opinions made by the step parents should be valued by their partners but final decisions should rest solely on the parents. Regardless of who has more care. I too wish there was a guide book, especially on etiqutte(sp??) and ways of approaching topics without starting WWIII!

Another note i do admire step-parents. My partner is a step-parent and i believe he has come along way and has been a positive influence on DS's life, along with his step-mother. I admire how DS has so much love for so many people who obviously do love him and make sure he has the best kind of life. I also believe that step-parents should respect decisions made by the parents and adhere to those decisions.

[misskittyfantastico]

I just want to jump in and say how much I admire step parents *jumps out*

[SassyMummy]

Sorry if I gave the impression of being a step-parent hater!

I think there are some fabulous step-parents out there and I didn't create this thread to put-down step-parents and belittle them in any way.

In another thread which I replied to, I commented on the role of step-parents and what I think that role is...it just gave me the idea to start a thread to see what others thought.

I think that if a bio-parent is being a bit ignorant about the problems of a child then I understand that the step-parent should step in and be a little pro-active. (For example, the child is having emotional problems but mother he lives with doesn't seem to notice/care or the child is deliberately hurting the other kids but the mother doesn't seem too concerned, etc). But I mean, if it's just a DIFFERENCE in parenting styles and beliefs...I think THAT is where it's up the "weekend" parent and step-parent to just cope with it.

I know that if my partner and I were to break up and for him to get a long-term live-in gf...I wouldn't want her to decide how my child was raised...no matter how long she had been in DD's life. I cuddle my DD to sleep if she wants it but at the same time I try to encourage her to sleep on her own...and for now, it works well for us. I wouldn't want her step mother trying to force her into a cot OR think she's too big for naps or any such thing.

On the same note, I also wouldn't really want DP (though I guess in this scenario he'd be EX DP) to have TOO MUCH of a say in her upbringing. Like, if he had really strong opinions on something then yeah, he'd get a say. But if it were day-to-day stuff...like Toilet Training for example...I'd like to be in control of that since I'd be the one doing most of the work. Maybe I'm just selfish...lol.

[Tam-I-Am]

I really think that its up to the family, as a whole, to designate roles and decide who does what, and when. I wouldn't put up with other people trying to input into what I "should" and "shouldn't" do in my own home with the people who are in it - unless they had a valid reason to do so (ie they were in some way related to the situation).

Maybe we should all just accept that all families are different, regardless of our relationships to the children in those families - and let everyone get on with their own family. Its not up to anybody, except the people in a family, to decide and designate and define roles.