MIL wants Olivia!

[DB&O]

Ok so this thread may be a little disturbing for some but I would love to hear from other parents who have been in this scenario or who have elected a guardian for there kid/s if anything should happen to you.

Here goes:
I was telling my MIL about a woman I had been friends with while living in the NT, she was 25 & had a 1yr old DD, she died suddenly of a pre-existing heart condidition & we were discussing how tragic it was that the little girl would grow up without her mummy, when MIL chimes in with 'if anything should happen to you & DH, don't worry we'll take good care of Olivia', I was shocked because we had never discussed it with the IL's but she seems to think that they will automatically get custody of Olivia. Don't get me wrong, I have great IL's & think they did a great job raising DH but after thinking about it I think I would want Liv to be with my Sis, she currently lives with us & I know that she would do a great job raising Olivia. She is 2 years older than me & although she doesn't have kids of her own, I have complete faith in her ability to raise my shild in a way I would be proud of. DH & I have wills but have not updated them since having Liv, do you think I can put it in there that I want custody given to my sis?

Have you discussed who would take your kid/s if anything happened to you?

My DH thinks I'm morbid for talking about it, I've also taken out a life insurance policy for both of us so that Liv is financially taken care of but I know that my friend wasn't expecting to leave her little girl yet &Iwant to be prepared should anything happen to us, not that I'm planning of going anywhere.

Has anyone else made provisions for their child/ren in their will & if yes how did you broach the subject with your family?
Any help would be great, sorry its so long.

[kymmy]

my mil would definitely want the children
if anything happened to hubby and i
we know she loves them so its fine
i think this upset my mum and family at first
but i am not sure if mum would want the kids
full time...
i only worry how my children would be raised
the best parents for our children are hubby and i
but as long as they are loved i would be happy.:thumbsup:

[melfunction]

We are yet to decide where K will go. We have no family here. My side of the family, well there is no way they are getting him.
We are visiting Dh's family soon and will most likely make a decision after seeing how he interacts with them.
Preferably K would go to someone he knows.

[Niki]

i would update the will! im thinkin about doin that becoz i no my dfs parents would try to get custody and they r just way to strict for my liking....df couldnt do anything as a child

[Chickadee]

Has anyone else made provisions for their child/ren in their will & if yes how did you broach the subject with your family?
No, it's something we keep meaning to get around to. DH and I have discussed my SIL taking DD but haven't discussed it with her or told other family yet. There was a bit of a discussion about the legality of wills with respect to establishing child guardianship here. (http://www.bubhub.com.au/community/forums/showthread.php?t=6959)

[~Emmylou~]

We've done nothing about this yet though we have been meaning to "get around to it".....:shame:

[Spewiesmum]

I'm glad someone started this thread. I've tried to explain to DH that we need to have a Will (we do have life insurance) should something happen now that we have DS. He agrees, but believes in doing the 'dutiful' thing and allowing our families to share guardianship.

I completely disagree. I love my family (and he loves his:rolleyes: ) but I do not believe either family would be the best choice for raising our son. My parents couldn't financially do it and my brothers just aren't suitable full stop. His side are too pushy - it would be DS doing what they feel is best to achieve more in life, while not necessarily doing what DS enjoys or is good at.

We have friends who currently don't have their own kids but who I think would be fantastic guardians. They have all the qualities I like and admire.

I'm yet to approach this topic again but don't want to upset anyone. I also don't want to leave things to fate. I don't believe thinking ahead is morbid at all. You need to be prepared for all events. Life insurance is one of these things.

But how would you go about explaining your decision to family if they weren't to be the guardians?

[DB&O]

Thanks for all the responses, its great to know that I am not the only one thinking about this:rolleyes:

Thanks MarthaM for the link to the other thread, I went there & got some really great info.

When I can get DH to talk about it (he hates thinking about it) we both agree that our parents should stay grandparents but still play a role in DD's upbringing, such as holidays spent at Nan & Pop's but are finding it really hard to decide who we want to definately take over caring for Liv. I want it to be someone who loves her & has time for her & is young enough to be a part of all aspects of her life. I know my sis would do everything in her power to give Olivia a great life & also would take our wishes in regard to schooling, religion & such into account but then I worry about what a huge responsibility it would be for her as she has no kids of her own & is not yet financially stable.
DH & I have lifelong friends that we would also be comfortable raising DD, they have 2 kids of there own & have similar parenting styles to us but then I know our families would never be happy with this.
Its such a hard decision because I know that no one could raise & love my child the way I do & I just feel that anything else is second best:(

[bambino]

We have discussed wills etc but have yet to get around to doing so. I wanted to do it when we got married last year but it is one of those things we keep overlooking.

Lucky enough though if anything should happen to myself and DH, the godparent of our child would get custody immediately. The godparent will our best-man from our wedding (once bubs is born and is ready for the christening) and he also happens to be DH's closest cousin and I have total faith in him. I have seen him with his 2 little nieces and have no doubt in my mind about him.

I know my family may be a little upset when they hear about this decision, but my mum is retired and getting old herself and is riddled with arthritis in her hands so I know she won't be up to full time care.

It is a touchy topic for some families so all the best to those who have to make the decision.

[Chickadee]

Its such a hard decision because I know that no one could raise & love my child the way I do & I just feel that anything else is second best:(
Of course anything else is second best!! Would it help to think about it a different way? You're not looking for a replacement for yourself and your partner, but for the best possible upbringing for Olivia if the worst would happen.

In a way, DH and I have it easy because both sets of granparents are in their 70s and wouldn't be able to keep up with a 2 year old. And since we have no other family here I'd be hesitant to leave her with a friend, knowing that her trips back to Canada to see family would possibly be few. On the other hand, she doesn't see family back in Canada often so as she gets older it may be better, for her, to stay with friends in a country and with people she knows rather than be suddenly shipped off to a strange place and unfamiliar faces. I really can't answer that problem yet :(

[reAllytee]

We already started an investment portfolio before bubs was born to make sure he had something whether something happens to us or for when he turns 18yrs.
We have also invested in a few other things for him as "just in case" type things.
We also spoke with my sister asking her to be not just his Godmother but legal guardian to which she agreed very happily & we also have his Godfather as back as he is DP's brother as we refuse for him to go to his parents because of many different reasons & as much as we wold want him to go to my mum she is restricted being disabled.
We talked about all of this before he was born because we wanted to make sure we had many things out in the open just like we also discussed if i were in an accident & it was a case of DP choosing me or bubs who he was to choose. Im an avid believer in having a plan even if not concrete then at least things put into place because the last thing i would want is for bubs to go into foster care for any reason.
So by the time he was born we had things all organised !

[claireandbailey]

I;ve been talking about this alot with my family. I want DD to go to my mum if she is still alive if not i want my sister and her husband to have her.
I have a question though. I am not with DD father, he is on her birth cert. if i was to die (touch wood) would he automatically have custody of her??
He has never looked after her, he;s only seen her a couple of times.
Do i need to get a will made stating that she will go to my mum not her dad??

[Pixie]

The thought of my my MIL having Eliza kills me, I hate her holding her lol
I'd pick my sister shes the only sane-ish one in the family!

[RedPanda]

My DH and I have decided that our baby would be placed with my one of my sisters. Our money would be joint-managed in a trust by the guardian sis and my DH's brother until the child is 21 years old. We've made a will, and have put our wishes in the will, but the solicitor warned us that courts can overturn wills. She said this would only happen if my sisters turned out to be abusive alcoholics or something (which niether of them are of course!).

I think as long as it's in your will, it would be pretty low of people to go against your wishes once you are dead.

[jessgray]

we have chosen godparents for DS so if anything happnes to us DS will be with them :) nothing against MIL or my family we just feel if it was to happen tomorow they would be the best people :)

the thought of MIL looking after cody once me and DP are gone scares me.she is so going senile well i think so anyway and she has no clue what lactose intolerant means!! she tried to tell me alittle bit of milk wont do any harm :mad: :shame: i dont expect everyone in our familes to fully understand codys intoleracne but MIL could at least try and grasp the fact a food allergy is as serious as say a bee sting allergy. lol

we havent talked about our wills etc to our family coz we are yet to make it. but DS's godparents know thats where we want DS to go. his uncles and aunties are too young to be given custody.

[SassyMummy]

I actually spoke about this (to my mother, not my partner) not so long ago.

I have ABSOLUTELY NO DOUBT that MIL would want DD. But, while MIL is a nice enough woman, I wouldn't trust her in raising DD. She is a bit a of a "drinker"...all day it's cans of beer and at night it's a whole bottle of cheap pink wine. Every day.

Also, from what stories I have heard from DP about his childhood, I don't think she's necessarily a competent mother. She was constantly getting herself into abusive relationships and not leaving them. She NEVER had that moment of standing up for herself...it wasn't until DP was old enough to stand up to these men that the relationships ended. I certainly wouldn't want my daughter to be raised in that kind of environment.

She's also very...lazy. She NEVER took the boys to school, never made their lunches (even when they were little) and just never "pushed" them to do anything that they should be doing (which is why DP's younger brother quit school at 14...*sigh*). She's one of those people that has sex with different men all over the house without discretion for children's sake...and I don't really think DD would appreciate seeing that. Neither would I to be honest - it's sick.

She's a NICE grandmother, but I don't think she'd make a great mother.

Maybe it's just because my mother is the perfect housewife - she cleans and cooked (she doesn't anymore because we can do it ourselves) and just DOES all this stuff that DP's mother didn't. And, being raisied in that environment, I guess I prefer it to a lazier mother.

I'd actually maybe get DP's sister to do it though. My mother probably has things she'd rather be doing and not being tied-down to a child...even though I'm sure she'd love Chanel, she didn't plan on having kids and so I'd see it as unfair. SIL however, has 2 daughters already (who, admittedly, ARE older than Chanel...but only by 6 years) and I have seen her interact with them. From what I see, I imagine our parenting styles to be similar...so maybe her.

I dunno...at the moment I'd say my mother...but in the future I'd maybe say SIL? It's hard because SIL is in Perth, mother is here in Qld...I wouldn't want to make any of them miss out.

[mum2squish]

Hi there, i brought up this 'morbid' subject with my mum when I was pregnant with DS. DH and I named her as the guardian to be if anything happened to us. We did it before DS was born because of the small possibility that if something should happen I had heard of babies been born by C section in an emergency to save bubs (eg, car accident). DH and I had a major blowout with his parents when I was pregnant so we were really worried about them getting DS if anything happened. We also did a 'guidelines for our children' too. It is a legal 'do it yourslelf' kit that you purchase from the post office and in it you can detail how you want your children to be raised should anything happen, things like what school you have picked for them, what contact to have with other family members, preferred extra curricular activities like sports etc. the list goes on...:ecomcity:

[Tam-I-Am]

DH and I have talked about this, and with our parents and families. We decided a long time ago that Claire would go to my oldest sister. We have yet to legalise it, but everybody in the family is aware that this is what we'd want to happen - Basically it goes like this -

-MIL is a widow, has been with a domineering man for 37 years who only died in September, and is very needy herself - and I can't see this changing any time soon (not having a go at her BTW - just observing what's happening for her)
-B+SIL are too self centred, too materialistic, and wouldn't have the first clue how to interact with, let alone raise a child
-My parents had their kids very young (ie 17 and 20 respectively), had 4 kids, each 5 years apart, and my youngest sibling has just moved out of home - so they feel like they have only just regained their life. It wouldn't be fair to ask them to raise Claire (although I'm sure they would if it came to it)
-My brother and 2nd sister are both completely different to me - and my sister at least has very different child-rearing ideas to me (not bad, just very different)
-My oldest sister is married to a lovely man, they are in a stable loving relationship, financially secure, but ?possibly might not be able to have their own children (although they'd dearly love to). They have similar ideas about child rearing to me and DH, are similar in the way they live their lives, and have moral and ideals that we agree with.

So there was really only one logical choice.

I'm sure MIL would disagree if it came to it, but she won't have a choice - because in the next fortnight, we're going to do our wills (and arrange life insurance in case the worst happened.

But I find this really distressing to think about - because if someone else was raising Claire, that would mean that I wasn't. And I dont' want to miss out on her life. Anybody else would be a poor substitute, even if they did a fantastic job. I hope that this situation never eventuates.

[Ana Gram]

It really needs to be clearly stated in your will because just telling someone you want them to have custody isn't enough when you are dead.
Also having godparents doesn't mean they will get your child in case of an accident.

[Supermum]

It really needs to be clearly stated in your will because just telling someone you want them to have custody isn't enough when you are dead. Also having godparents doesn't mean they will get your child in case of an accident.
Agree - you need to have a legal document covering you. It's not morbid discussing this, I feel it's absolutely necessary. It's a bit like life insurance - you hope you won't need it but it's there just in case. Accidents happen. I have discussed it with my parents and they will raise our children should anything happen to my husband and me.

In the event of our deaths, I would hate to think that a custody battle and subsequent emotional tug-of-war ensued with my children in the middle.

[DB&O]

Oh, I just want to make it clear that I'm not saying grandparents shouldn't raise grandchildren, cause I know that there are a lot Nan & Poppa's out there who are doing a great job raising there offsprings children for whatever reason but for me I would want DD to be in a house where there is laughter & noise, other young children & I know that my sis wants her own kids so I think that DD is best off with her. She can always spend time with her Gran & Pa, doing the things that grandparents love to do but at the end of the day, I would want someone young enough to enjoy & keep up with her.

[Foxy]

I think making arrangements like this is a part of being a good parent.

We asked my brother & SIL if they would raise our DS if anything happened to us. Luckily, they said yes, and we have told both sides of the family, and have it in our will.

My uncle & aunt were killed in a car accident and my grandparents and the aunt's side of the family fought in the courts for years over custody of my cousins (who were 2 & 3 years old at the time). It is very sad, and really tore the family apart at a time when they should have been sticking together. If only there had been a will, all that extra heartache could have been avoided.

[xkwzit]

Hi Livsmummy

We had sim thoughts to you, we consider our parents too old to be custodians of our girls, you've not only got to think about right now, but up to 18 years in the future. We decided that one of my cousins and her DH who are similar in age to us and has 3 girls of their own and similar ideas to us on child rearing and religion would be our choice. And they said yes:D .

It's going to be a different answer for everyone, but you are right your parents or DH's parents should not assume they will have custody.

Cheers

[k15s]

It's unfortunate that so many people think it morbid to plan for your death. It's inevitable (sp?) and to me shows how much you care about your kids. DH and I have life insurance and wills done. Thought we'd only need life insurance for DH but financial advisor said surprisingly that if something happens to the wife it's far more needed. If the wife dies, the husband either quits work to take care of kids or has to hire a nanny/childcare and housekeeper. My insurance is quite a bit cheaper than DH but provisions so should something happen to either of us, our mortage is paid in full and the remaining spouse has an income each year to either life off so I don't have to go back to work, or to hire a nanny and housekeeper.
Best feeling when it's all organised!

[tupper_lady]

Hmmm something I hadnt considered. DP parents are not feesible as his dad has passed away, and his mum is mid sixties. My mum works full time and then some so I dont know about that either. His B and SIL would not be suitable as they seen to have no end of psychological probs with their kids.

That leaves my brother and SIL who are great parents to there two and I would know they would be great with my DD. My sis has a little bub but is going back to work full time and I just dont know as they are so career orientated.

Hmmmmmm decisions!

[Mum&bubs]

My MIL has already said that if anything happens to us she will take on the role of playing "mummy" to Summer...hell she already tried this when i was pregnant telling me that when she was born i could give the baby to her, let her raise it and call her mummy & i dont need to have anything to do with it cause thats what happened to her a friends of hers. She said that because Summer wasnt planned and so obviously she thought i didnt want her. If something did happen to DP and me, i would much prefer Summer to go to my mum because i dont believe in my MIL's way of life & ive seen how she watches my nephew...she lets him do whatever he pleases, he has no disapline (spelling?) ah i could go on all day! The good thing is i know my mum would fight for Summer against her :D

[juliek]

We went to the lawyers last week to organise our wills. We've asked my sis and bil to have our dd, originally I wanted my mum to have her, but dh and I talked about it and my family is very religious and we don't want dd bought up with the same rules I was. My sis although also religious is much more open minded and won't be constantly shoving god down her throat. My best friend had told me that they would love to take dd if anything happened to us and I know they would do an excellent job, but I think she needs to be with family. (that and I'm pretty sure my family would fight for custody if we did) But we did make them executors(they control the money), so they will have constant contact with her and also a say in her education. We have also written letters to each member of family and some close friends explaining the envolvement we would like them to have with dd and what we hope for her to acheive.

And finally dd's not getting her hands on any of the money until she's 25 and old enough to appreciate what it can do for her.(we don't want a hormonal teenager spending what we have worked so hard for on handbags and shoes:p )

[mum33]

if anything happened to me and dp would be left with ds my concern is that ds would be raised by mil & fil as he would probably go live with them to help him raise ds. over my dead body!! i recently thought about having a will made up and leaving ds in my mother and stepfathers care should anything happen to me.