Very long - Advice seriously needed.

[IVFMumma]

My husband has a dughter from a previous relationship - she is 8 years old.

The mother of the child has always been hostile towards me and DH since we have been together. I have an intervention order out on her as she is quite crazy.

She has always called me names that are not very appropriate - like m0le, s!@t, fat ***** with some effing's as adjectives. Has made alligations to family services that I am a neglectful parent, punched me in the back of the head while I was pregnant with DS and I fell down the stairs, came to my house after DS was born and threated to kill him, thrown things at me while I have been out walking.

It has cosy us quite a lot in legal fees for DH to see his daughter, they have since moved away and to which I see as a good thing as it was very stressful for DH and myself and honestly I was scared most of the time of her.

I am now pregnant again and we are having twins, I am 34w today.

A week ago we received a phone call from DH ex saying that his daughter has leukemia, I answered the phone and she said to me "oh fat m0le put him on the phone" she was talking about DH so I put him on.

She wants to see if our son is a match with bone marrow for DH daughter - I am lost on what to do.

As a mother I know it would be hard for what she is going through but after the things she has done to our family I am finding it really difficult on what to do. It would mean that if DS is a match that he would have to be taken to Melbourne, we are in Brisbane and I honestly don't know what to do, I want to protect my son and we have been through so much with his ex already.

I have lost so much sleep over it in the last week and I honestly don't know what to do, please do not critise me or judge me because I know if it was happening to my biological child I would let DS have the test to see if he was a match straight away, I am truely lost.........

[scorpio83]

Is there any reason she wants to test your son but not you DH? Seems odd that she's skip him when he's just as or maybe more likely to be a match than your DS. The first thing you should do is see if they're the same blood type. I might be wrong but if the blood groups don't match then I don't think he's able to help anyway. Have you considered the cord blood from your babies as an option? At 34 weeks with twins, I don't imagine you'll have much longer anyway......might be an easier option.

[tiggles]

Firstly, hugs to you. You are in a terrible predicament. If this was me, I think my main priority would be you DHs sick child. I would try to put the mother out of the equation (v hard I know) and speak to your DH about what he feels is the right thing to you as a family to do.

And certainly no one should judge you, I certainly didnt when I read your post.

[IVFMumma]

Our kids have the same blood type, they are both o pos, DH is o negative.

I know that DH child should be the main concern but me as a mother don't want to see my son go through this, he is still only so little and so young and he is our world.

I am so lost - just want to close my eyes, open them again and hope that it goes away, but I know that wont fix anything.

[tiggles]

I would go to the dr, get a referral (if needed) for a psychologist and go any talk it out. Also have you been to talk to a dr re exactly what is involved?

I have no answers, and as a mum, my main concern would be my own child too.

[spunkysmum]

if it was your child that was sick and your dhs other child was a match wouldnt you want them to help you out ???
i know the mother hasnt made you life very easy and she sound like a right cow
but its not her your helping its your dhs daughter
thats jmo though

[IVFMumma]

I can't get out of my head that she wanted to kill my son and that she still can't be civil towards us when she needs our help.

[Ostymum]

Hi there! Firstly i feel for you so much, your situation made my heart break when i read your story. I understand why you are so torn. I have to say that i would feel the same way you do. Especially when the x prob wouldnt appreciate it anyway. She would just assume it was your duty.
The only advise i would have is to talk about it with DH and see a doc to get as much info as you can on the proceedure your little one would have to go through. Also i would ask about every other avenue that could be taken to avoid the situation if you can.
Goodluck with everything!
You will have to let us know how it all goes...

[HunterzMummy]

OMG massive hugs...

However firstly are you sure she has it, i know its horrible to think she would lie BUT she has proven herself to be CRAZY. And i can understand ~ i personally dont think i could put my son at that age through it, because as i understand it to be quiet painful. Maybe exhaust every other option before you look into DS going for it. And what a PP said about speak to a specialist to see what the procedure entails. And lastly ASK you DS to see what he wants to do..

Massive :hugs: hun

[IVFMumma]

And lastly ASK you DS to see what he wants to do..

I would if he understood, be he's only 21 months old, it is seriously not what we needed right now in our lives.

I have cried so much about it.

[scorpio83]

You also have to think about your well being. Stressing out will not only affect your twins but might cause you to go into early labour. You really need to sit down with your DH and tell him what you're feeing. Also, source other family members....aunts, uncle, grandparents, cousin, see if anyone else is a match too. Your DS's blood group might match but I think there are more tests that he'll have to go through before they declare him a suitable donor. When you talk to the specialist, go in with a list of questions. You will be better equiped to make a decision when you have all the information. Hugs!

[HunterzMummy]

I would if he understood, be he's only 21 months old, it is seriously not what we needed right now in our lives.

I have cried so much about it.

OMG sorry i thought i read he was 8 but now i have re read i realise that ur step daughter is the one that is 8. Sorry :o

In that case i dont think i could put my 21 month old through that :no: JMO

Sweetie my heart breaks for you and the position your in especially being heavily preg. I cant give you enough :hugs::hugs::hugs:

[spoon]

I want to know why your husband thinks it is okay for anybody to speak to you this way let alone carry on with a conversation about your son being used this way.

Have you got medical proof that this is the case?

I would suggest that all communication from now on be in writing. I would also suggest that your husband get some balls and stop letting this nasty piece of work treat you this way.

Look after yourself honey. It is a posibility that she has made this up to screw you over considering the type of person she seems.
:hugs:

[StrawberryTheMilkshake]

IVFmumma i am really sorry that you are going through this.

I think that you need to stand up for yourself- if she calls you and says 'fat m0le put him on the phone'. I would say 'i am not putting you onto him until you can respect me'. Then hang up. You do not have to be abused like this.

Secondly, i think it is something you and your DH need to consider together- its a very big decision. How do you even know that the bone marrow is needed? Of course if they are a match that makes another big decision. Maybe he isnt a match at all? Is the ex just playing you? Im not saying she is a liar and i do not mean to offend anyone who has someone in their lives with leukemia, im just saying, make sure its the honest truth first. How long has she been diagnosed for? Is the ex being 100% honest?

Once again, im really sorry this is happening for you. If your twins arrive early (congrats by the way for the pregnancy!), you wont want to be trying to care for your little boy who has just gone through that too.

I think she has caused you guys enough heart ache, pain and trouble so i believe you can make her wait for a little while while you talk to your dh and decide abotu this.

But. Bottom line, woman to woman, do NOT let her speak to you the way she has been. This is not acceptable. So next time she does it, hang up, or say 'i will not tolerate you speaking to me this way, so i will not put DH on until you ask nicely'. If she doesnt, hang up. Keep doing it, i swear it will work.

All the best to you, i know you would be having such a hard time with this right now.

Like someone else said i would be seeking some professional help in this- and for your own self esteem as she should NOT be speaking to you like this. I am in Brisbane and know someone who is fantastic but it depends where you are. PM me if i can help anymore. :wave:

STM.

[StrawberryTheMilkshake]

I want to know why your husband thinks it is okay for anybody to speak to you this way let alone carry on with a conversation about your son being used this way.

Have you got medical proof that this is the case?

I would suggest that all communication from now on be in writing. I would also suggest that your husband get some balls and stop letting this nasty piece of work treat you this way.

Look after yourself honey. It is a posibility that she has made this up to screw you over considering the type of person she seems.
:hugs:

:iagree: Spot on. :thumbsup:

[MountainGirl]

Gosh,... you poor darling.

My first thought would be that I wouldnt want my precious 21month old going through that,.. but then again,...your DHs child is also going through something horrible. Talk to your DH,..get his thoughts,..... block that horrible woman out of your head,.. IF you go through with it, you are doing it for your DH and his daughter,.not for her. It could also strengthen the bond between your divine son and his half sister? god,..not much help, I know.:hugs:

[EvangelinaOne]

Only you and your DH can make that decision. Try and put aside your feelings for his ex and think about his daughter. She is his biological child and is not to blame for her mothers behaviour. I know that is a really tough thing to do.

Try taking it one step at a time. Get the tests done first and then you and your DH can talk about it. How does your DH feel about it all? Your DH needs to be firm with his ex and let her know that you have not made made any decisions as yet. He needs her to understand that she needs to show some respect for you and your son first.

Maybe try getting the tests and if there is a match go from there?

Good luck :hugs:

[IVFMumma]

Thanks everyone.

Everytime I think that I have made a decision I feel guilty - I feel guilty if I say yes and then I feel guilty if I say no.

I don't know if I can put my son through this - as his Mum I am responsible for him and so is DH.

I know it will make me a horrible person if I do say no.

[Lastcenturymum]

Have you got medical proof that this is the case?

I would suggest that all communication from now on be in writing. It is a posibility that she has made this up to screw you over considering the type of person she seems.
:hugs:


I was going to ask the same thing about proof. And after the way she treats you I wouldn't be putting my child through it - sorry. You need to distance yourself from her. And hang up if she calls. And change your number and your man should be the only one in contact with her, you should not have to put up with that and he shouldn't let you have to either.

[Aquillah]

Im so sorry you have being put in this predicament!:hugs::hugs:

The first couple of things I thought of were

How do YOU feel about your dsd? If her nutter of a mother was normal, would you want to help?
If she does need the transplant and you dont give it, could you have that on your concience if she fall very ill or worse?
Im not trying to make you feel bad because I would really feel like you do right now! However, I think you need to seperate the situation that the child is sick and the whacked out mother. If you have strong feelings about your dsd, let that guide your descision.

With the nutter, your DH needs to say something and pronto! Maybe along the lines of "Why should (you and him) subject your ds to this procedure when you have no respect?

This is all JMHO. I would be going to dsd doctor with hubby sitting down, hearing everything that needs to be done and considered, who else that can be tested. I know unfortantley that siblings are the best match usually. Also there is a bone marrow register. Dont commit to anything until you have heard it from dsd doctor. And if crazy says one word - tell her that she wont get help!!!!And if she is any kind of her mother she would keep her mouth shut!

Im sorry you have to make this decsion but like someone said, if ds needed this would you want dsd to giver her bone marrow? I know her mother is awful but its not her fault which is the hardest part and by saying no because of the mother will this bepunishing the little girl unfairly?

BIG:hugs::hugs:and remeber what ever decision you make with hubby you made it with the best intentions!:flowerz:

[kotakai]

I'm so sorry you're going through such a horrible situation. :hugs:

As the others have said, I would defiantely ask for proof. As her Dad, you DH should be able to ring the hospital directly & get any info.

I know you don't want to help as the mum is a right b!tch (and I can totally understand that), but that's not the little girls fault. As a mother who's daughter is currently in remission from Cancer, I would've done anything to save her.

As well as getting proof, you need to sit down with a Dr & your DH & find out exactly what the procedure involves for your DS. I think only then you can decide if you want to go ahead.

But please, try & put your feelings for this horrible woman aside & think how scared that little girl would be right now.

Also, as others have said. You need to get some sort of intervention order in place cause she has no right what so ever to talk to you this way. Big, big :hugs: & I hope the rest of your pregnancy runs smoothly.

[Eggflip]

I would be a bigger person and do it. Yes it will hurt your son but you potetentially will save your Step daughter. Could you live with yourself if you didnt and she died. Give your step daughter another 7 years and she will prob hate her mum too and want to live with you anyway.

[Allegra]

Haven't read all the posts so I hope I don't repeat

Personally, if I was in your situation, I would send my DP down to Melbourne to talk to his daughter, her dr's ect. I don't think you can trust this lady so you need actual medical advice from the person treating your DSD.

I think until you or your partner has some first hand information you should stop thinking about what to do next. You need to stay calm for yourself, your twins and your son.

:hugs:

[TeenyT]

I'm with the others. You are in a very difficult situation here and I really feel for you.
Have your DH get the name of his daughter's treating oncologist or paediatrician and speak to them directly so that you do not have to have any contact with your DH's ex throughout this. They will probably only speak to your DH due to patient confidentiality anyway but at least you are getting first hand information. There is a whole pile of testing required before they just whip out bone marrow anyway and you need to be fully informed of the process along with counselling. Your Dh's ex cant just ring up and say "I want your son's bone marrow so find out if he's compatible and give it to me". I'm not sure if this question had been answered previously, but why is your DH not being tested as well? I would have thought that would have been the first choice as a direct relative?

If you do decide to go ahead and he is a match, dont focus on the guilt of putting your son through this. Its an incredibly hard decision to put your child through anything that potentially causes pain so I can fully understand your hestitation. Try instead to think of it as a very brave donation to help his older sister, even if she is half. He will be very proud one day when he can understand the enormity of what he did.
I hope it all works out OK for you. :hugs:

[Deserama]

Yeh go straight to the source - the dr and totally bypass the mother. Any communication should be between your dh and the doctor!

[sunnyflower]

What a horrible situation.

She sounds like a very angry lady.

I agree with the other posters,i would change m y number and she can only speak to your dh via his mobile,that way you don't get stuck having to deal with her at all.

I also agree that your dh should find out exactly what is entailed through her dr .

I totally understand that you don't want your child to suffer.I would be finding out exactly what your child will have to undertake so you can make a more informed decision.

Lastly,this is an innocent little girl,it's not her fault she has a nasty mum.

I would find out all i can about your sd condition,treatments etc.Have no contact with the mum,not if she is going to speak to you like that.

I am sorry you have to deal with this.:hugs:

[QTB]

oh what a horrible predicament!!! :hugs:

As the others have said, i would get solid proof first - all this worry could be for nothing if shes lying.

if it comes back that its true, then i would wait and see if your twins are a match, it could save your son alot of pain if they match and you were able to use their cord blood. then if the twins arent a match, re think the situation and deside then if you want your son involved.



personally, i would do it, simply because if it was reversed i would want my DHs new child to be allowed to help our child if the need arrived.

[EsSjAy]

Oh hun..... What a horrible ordeal for you....
I understand the abusive, vindictive, CRAZY ex wife situation only too well....
I am trying to put myself in your shoes and i have a very heavy heart.... I wouldn't know what to do either..... I want to protect my son but i would also want to help my stepdaughter....
My best advice to you is not panic yet....
Insist...and i mean INSIST you get DH to obtain all of his daughters details.... Find out who his daughters doctor is and 'together' go and discuss the situation.....
Only then will you know what you are dealing with hun and hopefully answer any concerns you have in regard to your sons possible involvement in treatment.....

Please let us know how you go.... I am thinking of you... x x:hugs:

[SPC]

You do not need to deal with her at all. There will be only one ward where this child could be being treated, I'd suggest dealing with the medical and nursing staff there and bypassing her altogether. No doubt having met her, they will entirely understand. Testing for a match is just a blood test, which your local hospital could do, and it's fairly unlikely that a half sibling would be a match anyway.

It's worth baring in mind that is she is this wild usually, having a sick child may make her very irrational. If her child were to die and you hadn't tried to help it may go badly for you and your family for years to come.

The kids hospital here in Melbourne has some good info:
http://www.rch.org.au/ccc/treatments.cfm?doc_id=11595
Cord blood may be a better option, as bone marrow aspiration from a toddler would be painful and potentially unsafe as he'd have to have a general anaesthetic. I'd be surprised if any hospital would perform a BM aspirate on a small child unless there were no other option. And I don't think you would necessarily have to go there, bone marrow can be transported like any blood product.

Incidentally, if you have leukaemia in your family it might be wise to store your twins cord blood anyhow, just in case. Id recommend you ring to your paediatrician and have them liaise for you with the children's hospital where the child lives and have no more contact with this woman.

[Love is all you need]

Firstly lot so of these for you, your DH and your family :hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs:

I agree with PP get your number changed firstly so she has to talk directly to your DH...

Secondly get your DH to speak to your SDs doctors, and get the doctors to send through information about her condition...

Thirdly I believe even in this process there would be extensive counselling before you can undertake such a big medical undertaking, that is if DS was a match as SPC said it is highly unlikely, this will include talking to not only your DS but also yourself and DH about the procedure.

I would get DH to reccommend maybe she gets tested first or even the exs parents, I wolud only think of your DS as a last result as being so young it will have a massive impact on his life also.

Don't feel bad for going from one decision to another this is a complicated situation especially since DHs ex has been so rude.

If it was me personally I would go through all the options first and say we are willing to help out but we want a copy of SDs papers about her condition, the procedure, extensive counselling and an assurance that if DS did this that the ex is not to have any contact with either yourself or DS and if she does contact yourself or DS then you will withdraw your offer to help. Make her and her actions responsible instead of having the responsibility and guilt put completely on you, if you decide not to..iykwim

I would do it because I hope if DP had another child he would offer to help (but then I wouldn't be like your DHs ex)

Please let us know how you go.

[spoon]

Also, is this the first you guys have heard this news????

Because if it is:eek: Something smells very fishy:eek:

I would suggest that you slow down with the guilt so you can get to the bottom of this issues. If she is lying, i think you would have reasonable grounds to have residency of your dsd, although admittedly I am no family law specialist.

[Myztik]

My best friend has a pre leukemia blood disorder and is very close to needing a bone marrow transplant. Her brother is her donor. The whole process is pretty full on and I couldn't imagine putting a 21mnth old child through it.

They can get a donor elsewhere.

eta - sorry that sounds really insensitive. I just wanted to point out that there are other options that your DS being the donor. There is a bone marrow donor register if I remember correctly. I'll ask my bestie when she calls me at lunch time.

[MamaKoala]

:hugs: I can imagine you are beside yourself with all of this and in need of a good emotional break. My heart aches for you right now.
Everything the other ladies have said is valid. You should definitely find out everything before you have to make those decisions and cord blood is a very viable option if the blood is a match.
The mother in me feels the exact same way as you about putting your children through that but I also know that part of that is the frustration of dealing with the ex. I know if my DP's children needed it I would be on board but he and his x are amicable and I couldn't imagine her treating me that way.
Definitely see a counselor and have all your options explained. Do not take that woman on word of mouth alone, get records of diagnosis first. I know she would say no to you if you were in the same predicament so that makes it even harder to decide, but this is about your SDD's life and that needs to be where the decision lies.
Get DH to take the burden off you for a while and have him actively seeking out the information. You are not in the right state of mind to make decision like this atm because you have to make sure your babies stay safe. He needs to be the one to deal with her and to find out everything that is involved.
I'm so sorry about your situation and I hope that it improves.
Congrats on your twins. Take care of you first. You are nothing for those children if you are not healthy and emotionally well :hugs::hugs:

[cheezelz]

If DH daughter was a match for your DS what would you expect of DH ex & DD? Or if your DS was a match for a friend or other relative what would you do?

Dont hold your feelings you have for her mother against the daughter. She didnt choose her mother so why should she suffer?

[peanutbutter&jelly]

:no: I wouldn't be putting my DS through it if my DF had a child from a previous relationship. Not when your DS is so young, won't understand and realistically it's a parents job to be an advocate for their child. As hard as it may be for your DP's ex to see her child go through what she has to come (providing this isn't a *lovely* fabricated story on her part), I couldn't justify putting a little one through it.

[kelly2781]

hi,

firstly :hugs: :hugs: for putting up with as much as you have.... secondly if she has been this nasty to you and spoken about your DS the way she has then my opinion would be that she is lying and she is just trying to cause you unnecessary stress, tell DH to get the dr's # and call him, i personally wouldn't put a 21mth old through it, is you DH a match? or as others have suggested use the cord blood from your twins, but my bet is she is lying bout it (sorry but i think that is the truth) tell her you want proof, and if it turns out she is telling the truth, then decide, dont stress yourself out, thats the last thing you need, and if you find she is lying then i would tell DH to put her in an institution... Change your number, so as she cannot contact you and when she rings hang up straight away

sorry if its abit long, ive probaly repeated everything others have said (didn't read all posts) hope it helps

good luck :fingerscrossed: for you

[KatiesMum]

Hi

I do agree with many other previous posters.

Firstly - you need to get quality information first had from your DSD's doctors. What type of Leukaemia does she have, when and how was it diagnosed, what are her treatment options, how urgently do the decisions need to be made etc. That means you and your DH talking to the doctors direct (they will give information to the childs father, so you should have no problems their). You need to be involved in these discussions also as it is your DS that is the potential donor.

As far as leukaemia goes - there are different kinds of leukaemia, and not all types require a bone marrow transplant (BMT). Many - especially the most common form of childhood leuakeamia - are treated by new anticancer drugs and traditional chemotherapy. A BMT is a last resort as it involves serious risks to the host and substantial difficulties to the donor - and that is when they get a really good match.

If a BMT is required, cord blood can sometimes be used instead of bone marrow cells ..... and usually siblings (even half siblings) are often the best match. Parents are rarely a good match for donation.

If a BMT is required, you need to very carefully consider all of the issues involved - but this information needs to come from your DSD's doctors. Things such as
- how good a match is your DS
- what exactly is involved (it isnt like a blood test, your DS will need to take certain drugs, and be hospitalised for a time, go under a general anaesthetic and harvest the marrow - perhaps over a number of aspirations).
- what are the chances of success (BMT's involve a high risk to the recipient, so the success is certainly not guaranteed. I dont know the risks in children ... but in adults its only successful about 50% of the time - the other 50% ish times, the recipient ends up dying of either the disease or of graft v host)
- how are you going to feel if your DS is a match, and you decide against the donation, and your DH's child dies? (even if the chances of success are low, if you dont give it a go, will he always blame you? will he resent you and/or your son?)

As far as the harvest - as SPC mentioned - I am pretty sure you can do that at different hospitals, so you would not need to go to Melbourne for that ..... but no matter what you do - contact the Leukaemia Foundation as they will be able to help you with transport and accomodation to go to Melbourne to see your DSD and help with whatever treatment she needs.

Whatever happens - Leukaemia is a really tragic thing for your DH's daughter to go through, and the next year or two will be incredibly difficult for her.

Many hugs - and if I can help at all, or provide any information, pm me anytime.

Julie
:hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs:

[My3Boyz]

Firstly :hugs: to you. You are in an incredibly difficult situation. I would explore every single other avenue before subjecting your 21 month old ds to a bone marrow harvest.

My DH works for a cancer therapy centre and almost fainted the first time he saw bone marrow being taken out of a patient (he's not a doctor but was there for the procedure). Be under no illusion, bone marrow aspiration is extremely painful for an adult so I can not imagine how it would be for a 21 month old, who could not possibly understand why his parents were putting him through this. You are his parent and it is your right to want to protect him. But in saying that, there is also (depending on if your DH's ex has lied or not) a very sick little girl who is needing your help.

Look at all your options and get as much information as is possible on the subject (both your dsd type of leukemia and how to treat it). Speak to her doctors etc It is only then that you will be able to make a truly informed decision and then be at piece with your decision.

Please do not stress and cry anymore until to you get all the facts. It is not helping you, your ds or your twins in anyway.

I really hope that everything works out and that your dsd is able to get the treatment that she needs. Please keep us posted on how things go.

[lukaelmo]

Look, my children are three and 18 months. I seriously doubt I would put either of them through it, even for each other. I can't say for sure, but I really doubt it.

I would exhaust every other possibility before even thinking about it to be honest. Someone said above that there is a bone marrow donor register, so yes, I would grit my teeth and support the mum for your stepdaughter's sake, help her through this, but not at the expense of your own son.

And I wouldn't feel guilty about it. My first boy has had four operations (not for anything like this) and each and every time I was sick with worry that he wouldn't come through. No way would I do it voluntarily to such a small child, a baby to be honest.

[mumbron]

Hi firstly reading this i was totally no don't do it to your poor little boy but i just read the post by katie and agree with her fully.

[Lilyloo]

My best friend has a pre leukemia blood disorder and is very close to needing a bone marrow transplant. Her brother is her donor. The whole process is pretty full on and I couldn't imagine putting a 21mnth old child through it.

They can get a donor elsewhere.

eta - sorry that sounds really insensitive. I just wanted to point out that there are other options that your DS being the donor. There is a bone marrow donor register if I remember correctly. I'll ask my bestie when she calls me at lunch time.


I have to admit, I tend to agree with this.
Donating bone marrow is a huge ordeal for anyone to have to go through, let alone a little 21 month old. Not to mention the added stress you'll be put through, when you've got your twin due very soon.

Nel is right, there is a bone marrow registery, I would be considering this...

Please don't feel guilty about whatever decision you make.

:hugs:

[KatiesMum]

There is a bone marrow registry ...

Unfortunately the chances of finding a match on it are very low.

However - having gone to the Australian Bone Marrow Donor website - it does say that cord blood can be used sometimes .... and while you cannot donate for a specific individual



What if the cord blood has been donated previously and a family member needs a transplant?

Once the cord blood has been donated, it is donated for anyone who is in need of a cord blood transplant. However the family member can still search the Australian Bone Marrow Donor Registry (ABMDR) which stores all the tissue typing matching information on a database. If the cord blood is still available, the search will identify the donation or may even identify an equally or more suitable donation. It is estimated that in ten years time, the chance that the cord blood will still be in the bank is around 85%. If it is still there and there is a clinical need for the family member to use it, it will be available.


So donating the cord blood from your twins, then testing that blood for a potential donation of that is a distinct possibility.

[OneCheekyMonkey]

i would think years down the track - how would your son feel knowing his half sister died - and his family didn't try to help. that his family didn't want him to even be tested to try to help.

i do understand that you are going through a lot of pain and anguish, but i think that your darling sons feelings need to be taken into account. For no matter what the results are he will have to deal with the fact later.

my son is still in utero, but my partner has a daughter who is 2 now. as much as her mother is an absolute cow to me and my partner i could not bear the thought of my sons half sister suffering needlessly, perhaps needlessly isn't the word. but perhaps dying when my son could have made a difference.

goodluck making your decision.

[Me]

TBH, my heart says don't put your 21mth old through this. I think offer her the help of donating cord blood from your twins(if you are ok with this). It shows you are trying to help and you may be able to provide the help she needs and it protects your DS from going through a potentially painful and scary proceedure, not to mention the timing of having a 21mth old go through surgery whilst having newborn twins to look after.

Take your time now to contact the doctor and get the outright facts. Don't let her bully you.

Above all else, do what your heart tells you.:hugs:

[Myztik]

I'm just wondering if those of you who are saying flat out 'just do it' have actually looked into what is involved with a bone marrow transplant and what exactly her 21mnth old will be put through?

[EsSjAy]

I hope you are OK hun..... Let us know.....

I am thinking (since my last post) that you are almost ready to give birth... and to TWINS.... you have a 21 month old and all of this going on around you..... You have to be doing it tough, and i wish we could all be there to help you....
you need all of the support we can give and those around you can give also..... Do you have a good support network hun? God i hope you do.....

I spoke to DF last night and asked if his son to his previous marriage was diagnosed with this illness and him and i were being asked to get our 15 months old or for arguments sake he was 21 months screened for a possible match to potentially save a life.... He went through everything pros and cons..... (remembering that i have the same crazy ex wife to deal with as you do) he said he would not place any threatening health risks or unessesary procedures on a healthy child before he had the true facts on everything that was invloved and every other viable avenue had been explored, and he was refering to the bone marrow registry and other treatments.... If our son was deemed the only resort, meaning life or death to his 8 yo son then there wouldnt be an option but to do it, and i support that 100%

Please let us know how you are going hun....x x

[Myztik]

I wasn't directing that specifically at you BG (sorry not used to the new name yet :p).

[LivinOnAPrayer]

o wow :hugs: what a situation to be put in. the ex sounds like a real biatch. this is such a tough decision to make, i hope your dh is helping you. another way to look at it if you do decide to go ahead and have your ds tested, is that in the future, if he goes through with it, he can be proud of that his whole life. its a massive oppertunity to teach him about kindness and generosity.

BUT... he is your little man. either way its going to be hard. What are the options of using cord blood from the new bubs?? Congrats by the way!! Twins are the cutest!!:hugs:

[NibbleCurlynBub]

That should be discussed with your DS, too, right.

I mean, bone marrow and everything involved with bone marrow is very painful.

The test should be at his very informed consent and not otherwise.

Okay I read further.. At 21 months old I would NOT be putting a baby that age through a bone marrow test or transplant. :no:

Even if I had two children like that and a possible donor was my baby, I wouldn't do it.

This is a BABY we are talking about.. Not a science project and CERTAINLY not a consenting adult or child.

For me, even in a worse turn of the situation, it would be an outright no.

It is a difficult situation to be in though. I'm sure you will find the right decision that is right for your DS.

[mummyjessie86]

OK, i only just skimmed through a few of the posts, but here is my 2 bobs worth :)

I agree with those who said you should check how legitimate she is, you don't know wether this just another one of her games :confused:

And, OMG! What a crazy cow! There would seriously HAVE to be something wrong with the woman to think she can treat another mother like that, and then have the nerve to ask you that! I know if i were her and hadn't even treated you the way she has, i still couldn't bring myself to ask!

I also agree to not let her treat you the way she does, demand respect from her!

I'm sure whatever decision you make will be the right one... Talk about it, find out all your options etc.

:hugs: Everything will be fine hun xxx

[IVFMumma]

After thinking long and hard, lots of discussion and a trip to our Doctor - we have decided that we are not going to subject our son to even the bone marrow test, call me selfish, call me what ever you want. We think we have made the right decision for our son and our family.

I am not saying no for the things that dsd mother has done, just that I as a mother, cannot and will not subject my child to such a thing.

We however have decided that we will let the cord blood be used.

Please remember it has been a very hard decision for both myself and DH, and if you feel the need to say something nasty - say it out loud and not reply, my heart is still very raw.

[spoon]

After thinking long and hard, lots of discussion and a trip to our Doctor - we have decided that we are not going to subject our son to even the bone marrow test, call me selfish, call me what ever you want. We think we have made the right decision for our son and our family.

I am not saying no for the things that dsd mother has done, just that I as a mother, cannot and will not subject my child to such a thing.

We however have decided that we will let the cord blood be used.

Please remember it has been a very hard decision for both myself and DH, and if you feel the need to say something nasty - say it out loud and not reply, my heart is still very raw.

:hugs::hugs::hugs:
:yelclap::yelclap:
:hugs:
Only support from me hun. xxxxx

[BJsMummy]

:hugs:

I am sure you have made the best decision in regards to your family, good luck with everything else.

[little_fish]

Well done for making a decision. It was such an incredibly hard one. I think you are very strong to have done it. :hugs::hugs:

[EsSjAy]

After thinking long and hard, lots of discussion and a trip to our Doctor - we have decided that we are not going to subject our son to even the bone marrow test, call me selfish, call me what ever you want. We think we have made the right decision for our son and our family.

I am not saying no for the things that dsd mother has done, just that I as a mother, cannot and will not subject my child to such a thing.

We however have decided that we will let the cord blood be used.

Please remember it has been a very hard decision for both myself and DH, and if you feel the need to say something nasty - say it out loud and not reply, my heart is still very raw.

I am in 100% support of you.... a stranger yes... but one with a heavy heart....
It would not have been an easy desision but it is one you have made in the best interests of your son.... . Cord blood is a very real option and your desision to not subject your son to this is not the means of and end for your DH daughter...
I'm sure now though that you have all of the info you need...
My thoughts are with your DH as well...:hugs:


Please look after yourself.... Those little bubbas are comin'.... How exciting for your little man too ....
Does he realize that something really special is about to happen?....

Hopefully this special time to come will allow you to heal from the pain you have experiences from this, hoping also that your DH's daughter responds well to treatment she receives... my prayers for her also.... x x

[MamaKoala]

I think that you and your husband have made a positive decision for your family and I'm so pleased he was in agreance with you over it. I hope you are able to enjoy the rest of your pregnancy and your twins arrive safely and healthy when they are supposed to. :hugs: You did consider it, and you weighed the options, you thought long and hard before you chose, you did your part! And I hope that DH's daughter gets the treatment that she needs and goes into remission soon!:goodvibes:

[KatiesMum]

:hugs:

That must have been incredibly heart wrenching for you.

I seriously hope that NO-ONE here would judge you or say anything nasty .... your decision is obviously thought through very carefully and made with the best interests of your children.

I am unsure, but I have serious doubts over whether the doctors would allow a bone marrow donation from a 2 yr old anyway. They are still developing and growing so much themselves.....

Good luck to you and your family. Many :hugs: and best wishes.

And many :hugs: also to your DSD. This will be a very difficult time for her.


Also - Please contact the leukaemia foundation ... as they will help you with transport and accomodation for your DH to go and see his DD (perhaps after the twins are born).

Just because your DS is not able to donate, it doesnt mean that you dont have a lot to offer her ... just being there will be a help (no matter what the deranged mother says).

I think the cord blood thing is fantastic ... something very real and physical you can do which will be a great help (:fingerscrossed:). Remember you have to organise this pretty soon though, as they need to arrange to be at the birth for collection.

You are a wonderful person, who has a lot on your plate at the moment. Take care of yourself.

[Myztik]

:hugs: I'm glad to hear you have reached a decision hun.

[mum2bubba]

This woman owes you alot of apologies. If anyone spoke that way to me or treated me like that I'd be telling them where to go. :shame:

She is needing your help after she treats you like dirt, not acceptable.

[Amberlea]

I'm just wondering if those of you who are saying flat out 'just do it' have actually looked into what is involved with a bone marrow transplant and what exactly her 21mnth old will be put through?

I was just reading through and about to say this too.

My partner died from leukaemia - he had chemotherapy and a BMT and I know exactly what he, a Grown Adult, went through.
I also know what his sister, a Grown Adult, went through as his BM Donor.
It is not a simple pin prick in the arm and lets go, it is a very painful and serious medical procedure to harvest bone marrow.

I am very sorry - but I would NOT be letting my young child be a donor for anyone - not even my other children, unless it was the absolute last option on earth.


I find it a bit fishy that you got a call last week that she has leukaemia, and she is already asking to be tested for donors.... normally they allow the chemotherapy/radiation process to start and see how the patient progresses before they even consider worrying about compatible donors.
And as far as I am aware - both parents need to sign a consent for treatment to begin due to its toxic nature. (I could be wrong here of course)

I'm not really much help - I don't have any advice, but I do think that you should put your feelings for this woman out of the way (as hard as that is) and think about DH's daughter - see if there is anything else you can do to help.
Get all the medical information from the doctor, make sure it is a real medical emergency (as in she really does have it), and then decide on what to do.

But do not be forced into allowing your son to be placed in the line as an only option. Sure you can go ahead and have him tested - but the rest of the family can be tested as well... its not always only immediate family that are matches. A sibling only has a 1 in 4 chance of being a perfect match. And blood type doesnt always matter.

Seek advice from the doctors first - and do not listen to whatever she says as she is clearly not going to give you the information that you need.

ETA - I got to Myztiks post and coulldn't read any further... but I have read now that you have reached a decision.. My thoughts go to you and your family and I hope that you do not carry too much guilt from it - because it is not your guilt to bear. You are a mother protecting her own.

[Mum2Bug]

IVFmumma :hugs::hugs: Im glad to hear that you have come to a decision, and to be honest, it is the exact decision i wouldve made as well. There is no way I would subject my child to something like that unless it was the absolute last chance that the other child had. And even then i would find it hard, not being my own flesh and blood.

I hope all goes well with your dsd's treatment in the future.

[BeautifulBoys]

After thinking long and hard, lots of discussion and a trip to our Doctor - we have decided that we are not going to subject our son to even the bone marrow test, call me selfish, call me what ever you want. We think we have made the right decision for our son and our family.

I am not saying no for the things that dsd mother has done, just that I as a mother, cannot and will not subject my child to such a thing.

We however have decided that we will let the cord blood be used.

Please remember it has been a very hard decision for both myself and DH, and if you feel the need to say something nasty - say it out loud and not reply, my heart is still very raw.

You need all of these,please don't feel guilty!!
All the very best with your pregnancy.
:hugs::hugs::hugs: