View Full Version : How not to hit ur mother in-law??
k i have to get some things off my chest about my bf's mum, i have tried very hard to be the perfect *daughter inlaw* but i cant seem to win, some of the things that she does that **** me off are as follows(warning mite b long haha)
- when i was pregnant with Jayten she met my parents for the first time and told my dad(who is tattooed heavily) that she thinks that tattoo's are disgusting and that she doesnt want her son or grandson asscoiation with someone who has them( i nearly hit her has mydad, me, my brothers and sister all have tattoo's)
- when i had bubby , she came and stayed with uninvited for a week, during this week she constantly asked my bf if he was sure it was ok to leave Jayten alone with me and asked if i knew what i was doing(i have 3 other children mind u)
- that same week the first nite she was here , she told her son that she thought it best if he shared the bed with her instead of sleeping in the room with me and bubby (i nearly fainted as my bf is a 25 yr old man and dont think that is was appropriate)
- when she came down next she said she had a present for me and when i opened it , it was all cleaning stuff like bleach and sponges and washing powder( she then proceeded to tell me how to use them( my house is pretty clean consedering there is 4 kids in it)
- we had a family bbq at home and she refused to come because *our house wasnt suitable for it*
- everytime i say somethign about bubby like noo he isnt due for a feed for 3 hrs she insists on feeding him when he doesnt want it so he just spits it out of the side of his mouth :)
- and finally when he went for his 8 week checkup the doctor said he was a little bigger then average babies, when we told her this she quite smuggly turned around infront of everyone at my house and said " that is bcos his mum is fat , what chance does the poor boy have with her being so big" I weigh 72kg 8 weeks after having bubby :(
it has taken everything in my power not to tell the stupid b$%ch were to go and my parents are not going anywhere near her anymore as she is just a rude *****!, It has put a huge strain on my relationship as my bf doesnt see anything wrong with it and says she is just trying to help, mind u , she pays for everything for him, his bills ,his petrol for his car, his half of the expenses at our house but wont buy anything for bubby,
ok well i feel a little better now having gotten it off my chest , does anyone have any ideas what to do apart from king hitting her :D
mumofethan
16-06-2005, 12:06
I know how u feel bridget...
i have tried so hard to impress my inlaws but everything that i do is not good enough...
thankfully my partner isnt as realient on his parents as yours sounds... but i have just gotten to the point where i dont care, i just completely ignore anything they say....
althou get back to me after next week cause they will be here for 4 days!
:D
Michelle
Mum to Ethan, 9mths.
Hi Bridget
After reading your story my mum-in-law doesnt seem so bad after all !!!!
(Actually she is a real pain in the A*$# !!)
I cant really give you any advise other than just smile and ignore her comments
this will probably annoy her more than a reaction.
or you could just hit her ;)
Take care
Tracey
:p Samuel 21.3.2004
:rolleyes: #2 EDD 30.11.2005
Hi,
It must be very difficult for you. My husband's parents were really involved (mostly the mother) and it can make you feel suffocated. I think your mother in law is very insecure and lonley. It is a bit unfair how your bf doesn't see your side of things, i think if I were you this would frustrate me so much.
My only advise to you is try and distance the amount of time you see her. You, your boyfriend and your children are your family so there is no need for her to be around too much. I find keeping the in-laws at a distance is best and now they are very distant because they are in london and we're in oz!!
good luck
moggs
xx
Hmm, it seems inlaws are made to make us feel suffocated! I get "he's hungry" - "he's tired" or "he's just like his daddy". Hello I spend 24/7 and think I know how to read my bub AND he is half of me thank you very much.
I also try to distance, me hubby and bub are our own family now but then when we do see them I get this (and it totally ****es me off) - they hold Jack and say "What was that Jack, you want to come and see Grandma more often" or "Jack wants to stay the night without mum and dad" gggrrrrr :mad:
I don't know what the answer is but I do know our babies are just that- ours. I can kinda see why your bf may not "see" whats going on- his mum still pays for everything. So go with distance and no reaction- kinda gets under their skin. Good luck
kamckellar
16-06-2005, 17:34
Been There Done That.when I Married My Husband I Married My M.i.l.
She Politely Told Me That 'totty'(her Nik Name For Him)is Her Boy And No One Comes Between Him And Her.i Was Always Left Out Of Talks And Very Rudely Ignored.if I Cooked Dinner She Prepared Something Else For Her Self.hubby And I Are Now Divorced And Our 2 Boys Have Virtually No Contact With Her Unless They Are With Him And He Travels Ten Hrs To See Her.it Wont Get Any Better.my Advise 'tell Her To Cut The Apron Strings'.her Son Is A Man Not A Child.maybe Your Hubby,like Mine Did, Likes The Attention And Conflict Of 2 Women Fighting Over Him!good Luck
Angelmist♥
16-06-2005, 19:14
Hi lostmum,
Wow, makes my b*tchy m.i.l look like a real angel!!Sorry, I don't know how you have put up with it for so long.Although I can't lie your m.i.l sounds nearly exactly like my father ha ha.But with me being pregnant with 3rd child to my husband (who he cannot stand) he is about to be given a rude awakening.For some reason I never stand up for myself or family against him which sounds alot like how your feeling with your m.i.l.To me it sounds as if she hasnt realised yet that your bf is a grown man and not 3yrs old anymore and he doesnt want to add to the conflict.Sorry just buttin my nose in :rolleyes: .My hubby's Grandmother is actually worse than what you habe described ha ha it actually came to a point where we would lock the doors and pretend we weren't home when she called over!Does your boyfriend hear everything she says to you?Does he say anything at all? What was his reply when she asked if he should leave the baby with you?Sorry just tell me to rack off but maybe he doesn't realise the extent of what's goin on or how it's making you feel.
Sorry that's enough from me, hope things work out better
Cody 5 and Dylan 4 mum
ThomasMum
16-06-2005, 20:45
my mother in law is alright, as my mum would always said that someday I too WILL become one, so I'm giving her a break!
In mean time click this link Mother In Law Jokes (http://www.motherinlawstories.com/mother-in-law_jokes_page.htm) and hope this will make you smile :D
(If the link above doesn't work this is the URL http://www.motherinlawstories.com/mother-in-law_jokes_page.htm)
Have a great weekend! :)
reflect169
03-07-2005, 03:05
dont mean to make you all feel bad, but my mil is an absolute darling, and my fil, and sil, and bil's.
however, she sounds like a hell born cow, like marie from everybody loves raymond. i cant believe she sill pays for everything from him, but not meaning to dis your husband, but that is partialy his fault.
you should teach your bubba to stick his finger up everytime he hears the word 'grandma', thus when she walks into the house, you can say, 'here's grandma' (in a very upbeat tone, as if u like her) and she'll say something, so he looks her way, and stick his middle finger up !!!!! :D
or try the 'fake tatto' she may even have a heart attack if u have the right one on baby's bum!
or make your hubby get a tattoo, lets see her 'tattoo's are disgusting and that she doesnt want her son or grandson asscoiation with someone who has them' when her precious little boy has one, ha!
oh, oh, or make a soft core porn tape of u n hubby, just a few seconds, (he doesn't have to know) and put it in the middle of a baby tape, and show it to your mil, thus she will see that her little boy, is a big man, who has sex, and he's yours!!!!!!!!!!
sorry, i can be a real evil b**** sometimes!!!
ami xxx
p.s. good luck with everything, sounds like you're gonna need it.
p.s.s. talk to your DH, make sure it doesn't ruin your relationship, that would be a terrible thing.
madvoice
03-07-2005, 12:47
Reading this makes me feel so lucky that my parents and in-laws are really flexible and easy going. I had my MIL with us for 3 weeks. She arrived a few days before Raleigh was born and went home 2 weeks later. She was a great help. She wasn't pushy with my parenting style and helped wherever she could (more with housework than baby stuff). My Mother came up when MIL went home and stayed for just over a month. It was good having my mum as she's more hands on with baby stuff. I felt more comfortable leaving Raleigh with my mother than my MIL though.
hey reflect, yeah i can b evil b$%ch too sometimes but it takes all of my effort not to hit the cow. I think i am just gonna let her go and then when she wants to do all the family things for bubby she is gonna get a shock when my brothers are running around with their shirts off and tatts hangin everywhere lol. My dad isnt gonna take much more of her sh$t he will just end up tellin her where she can stick all her ideas (waiting for that day :) ) . I have just refused to visit her now and have told dh that when she comes to our house i wont b home, after i said this we dont see her very much now, maybe once a month :D I dont want to totally cut her out of our lives but until she changes im not being apart of her life and i have said that i dont want Jayten around her either because she has never got anything nice to say and this is not good for him to hear. Not alot else i can do , im sure if i hit her id feel better but ill just wait until bubby is old enough and can get his own tatt :)) Thanx all
Supermum
10-07-2005, 09:32
Hi there lost mum
I too have a tattoed father ... and a beautiful green tree frog of my own on my belly.
My mother-in-law is also one of the nastiest pieces of work you've ever met in your life and has made many comments, not dissimilar to yours over the past four years.
One of her best efforts was in the hospital, two days after my first was born. She walked in and said in her loudest voice "Oh for god's sake Deborah, would you look at yourself, you haven't even made an effort to look decent and all of these people are coming to visit you. You look positively ugly, have you no pride?". That was the day the baby blues hit and I was feeling too lost and vulnerable to stick up for myself.
Two years on I no longer feel the same way. If she's rude to me, I boot her out of the house. Last time I told her to leave I believe I said "don't let the door hit your **** on the way out". My husband agrees.
Does your hubby stick up for you and tell his nasty mother to pull her head in. It's imperative that he openly supports you.
I think these women are so competitive that they are worried that:
a. you'll take their precious boys away, and
b. you'll do a better job as a mother.
Well honey - I hope you do (do a better job as a mother that is and when yours are grown, remember to be a nice MIL)!
Good luck ... chin up ... and stand up!
Remember - I AM WOMAN HEAR ME ROAR!
I have an Irish mother-in-law (ie:thinks her son is God and I am Mary Magdelan) and had many problems with her. My MIL is more afraid of me than yours, so I could scare her with a little outburst when she was getting too much and she'd get back into line.
My own mother can be more like your MIL. With both women an outburst will only exaccerbate their bad behaviour. So do the only thing you can (what I do when my own mother gets out of hand) - withdraw her from contact with her grandchild. If your hubby protests tell him that until she curbs her tongue and respects your position as her grandchild's mother and you will resume contact. You have a right to be respected!
It's the only weapon you have and although some would say it's underhanded, I say use it!
Cheer Up Girls!
My MIL was also a nasty piece of work. :mad:
But my DH had to make sure that there were bounderies. We had to have marriage counselling to combat the problems that were being caused because of the meddling/nasty MIL.
Remember it is a privilage for your MIL to be let into your family life, and she has to respect you as a mother and person, as well as respect your relationship with her son.
Dr Phil has said....to have good relations with your neighbours you must have a good fence. The same applies to your parents and to your BF parents, or any other family member for that matter. There are bounderies that must not be crossed, and your BF MUST take responsibility and deal with his mother, as his mother is his problem not yours. If your BF loves and respects you, then he MUST stand up for you, regardless if his mother is paying his living expenses for him. Your feelings need to be taken into consideration, and lets not forget the long lasting affect this may have on your children. Regardless of how your MIL feels about you, you are her grandchildren's mother....and your children love you unconditionally..nothing she does will ever change that....she has to get that thru her head.
Should things not improve, you and your BF need to seriously consider withdrawing her contact with the children until she can behave herself like an adult should. Sometimes hard decisions have to be made....remember leave emotions aside and make sure that you and BF are working together as team and to try and sort this out once and for all.
You dont want this to go on forever and it may end up destroying your relationship with your BF.
Luckily for me, my DH was able to cut the apron strings and our relationship has never been better. As for my MIL, she "tolerates" me, but she knows what is expected of her and she does not dare cross that line.
Good luck in sorting things out. :)
NOOO not a mummy's boy!
My MIL asked me to put my DS on the bottle so she could keep him (I'm not kidding) Then she spend the next two hour telling me how much she needs to see the kids everyday!
Don't even get me started on my FIL! I'm slowly going insane! And it doesn't help that everytime my DS stays over there the next day she spends it wetting her pants!!!! :mad:
Ah I can't stand them!!!! :mad:
Oh well at least my DH isn't effected by them!
Your bf needs to support you and of course you aren't going to get that while SHE has he finger in everything and supporting him. You need to move away from her and your bf be the breadwinner where he is paying for his petrol, he is paying for everything because as long as SHE is giving money to him SHE probably thinks SHE has the right to interfere. It's a hard situation because your bf has got the cake and eating it too. I am surprised mummy isn't wiping his bottom too.
Nex time she gives you cleaning products as a gift you should make sure you have some spare rubber gloves around so that you can give them to her and say thank you...ha, ha! Wouldn't that go down well.
I am worried in all seriousness though that this is going to cause your relationship to end. Not necessarily now, but in the future. Maybe this is what the cow is trying to do.
Is the father-in-law around?? If not you can certainly understand why can't you. Maybe she needs a good rompin!! Yuck, awful thought for you eh!
My mother-in-law is an interesting creature !
Since Hamish was born, three months ago, she has seen him (precisely) twice ! She insisted on coming to the hospital the day after he was born, where she managed to push me to the brink of my already shattered sense of sanity. She arrived, stinking (and I mean stinking) of cigarette smoke, and brought with her a gentleman friend who also smelled smoky ... just what my husband and I wanted around our newborn.
Anyway, the mother-in-law then held our son, announcing over and over "Look at me ... look at my baby ... I've got a baby ...". Talk about weird ! All she wanted was to have her photograph taken with him over ... and over ... and over again ! All I could do was sit there on my bed and think calming thoughts. Mind you, I was thinking that if she called my precious little bundle her baby once more, I was going to kick her ... hard !
On once other occasion, she came over with her "friend" and it was all ok, really ... apart from the return of the stinky smoke haze that makes me tummy turn.
But ... the real point I am making is that she has only seen her grandson twice ... and this is despite the fact that she has called herself "granny" for as long as I have known her. It is such a pity. My husband is now at the point where he feels like just wiping his whole relationship with her ... and with his sister ... but that is another story, suffice to say, she has never seen her nephew !
So, whilst grandparents of our little bundles of joy can be horrible, at least we can take refuge in the knowledge that we have started new families with (hopefully) nice, new ideas about how to treat each other !
Hope all that makes sense ... I am a little frazzled out today.
B
Melissa1983
15-08-2005, 13:41
Hi LostMum
Your mother inlaw seem like mine. My mother inlaw is a total b***h. Two days before our wedding she tried talking my Husband out of Marrying me, she doesn't look after or see her grandchildren unless it suits her. (mine you she lives in townsville and i was up there for 3 months for everyone to see the kids she seen them twice). When i had Abby she was telling me how to do things, and still does. In her eyes her son is perfect and i am always wrong. Not saying i am perfect people make mistakes, but not her son.
And my father in law is worse!! He is so rude... My parents don't talk to him because he just talks down to them like they are nothing. If it isnt his way its the highway.
Sorry to hear that your inlaws are terrible to. Its unfair because alot of people get along so well with their inlaws. My sister does, she gets along so well with hers, she can talk to them about anything.
my mil is (or was) just as bad until I sat her down & gave her what for. I put up with it for 8mths (during that time she ignored everything I said RE feeds, nappy changing etc - even told me not to play with my daughter or use bright toys as its leads to ADHD! as well as dropping around unannounced) when I just lost it at her one day. Shes been better lately but still needs to be put in her place every now & then.
My advice - sit her down & tell her in no uncertain terms that YOU are bubby's mother & what you say goes in regards to bubby. BF should also stick up for you, take some responsibility for the family you are raising together.
If she doesn't like 'associating' with people who have tattoos, maybe she shouldn't visit your family so often then. That would keep her off your back anyway!
j&k'smum
19-08-2005, 00:21
Oh my God. I can't beleive that there are people like that out there.!! They are terrible!!! My first thought was to get a hit on her. I don't think it costs THAT much and really, it would be worth it in the end. I'm sure you could work out a payoff scheme with the participant lol. :D
Stuff that. I couldn't handle that either. How completely disrespectful, rude and even somewhat psychotic!!! Is that behaviour "normal"..? Mate, she has some serious issues. Alot of them have!!!
You know, the thing with poeople like this is, they keep doing it because they know they can get away with it. Start being assertive with her, you know really get in there without resorting to her level. It will drive her nuts." People only treat you how you let them" (A quote Dr.Philly says all the time, and it's true)
I just don't know how they sleep at night. Really? they must have sort of mental disorder!! a malfunction in the wires somewhere??
Actually, my mum used to be a bit mean to me and make me feel like crap, always negative, put downs, lots after baby no.1 was born(weird stuff) and then after years of enduring her mental bs, it was either get her out of my life or deal with it in another way. So when she would come over, i would envision myself in this golden bubble and let all her negative commentsa bounce right off of me. I wouldn't let them in. And that was the start for me. ( i know, it sounds a bit "out there", it was in a book I was reading) Our relationship has changed and I don't give her that control. She knows too I reckon, because she isnt as full on anymore. I took the POWER back!!! yay( mind u it took a few years to master!)
So, yeah, a hit man or a "golden bubble" is all I can suggest. Have her committed?? Theres a thought..lol. :)
;) Remember girls...one day you will all be Mother In Laws....so when the time comes remember how you were all treated, and treat your future SIL or DIL well!!
No one is perfect. We married our DH married NOT our in laws! :rolleyes:
If only our MIL's could accept us all for that alone, that is, their precious sons are happily married with children of their own. :p
Mum to DS4 & DD4 months :cool:
I can't say much of help as I barely know my MIL although I know her voice VERY well.
She lives in central QLD and we are in Sydney. On the odd occasion she has made it to see us for a week holiday we see her for 1 day ... the day she arrives. Then she gets back home and calls bf up to moan about how little she got to see us and how she made such a long trip down and I just wouldn't let her see the kids. The problem I have with that was I refuse to bring my kids to the Casino so that they can sit around and wait for Granny to finish on the slots so as to catch five minutes while she has a smoke and a drink before another marathon.
However from having a very protective mum and two brothers the one thing I think you may need to do is talk to your bf and make sure he knows how you feel. Use the old psych terms you hear in the movies "I feel hurt when she says ... " or "when she talks only to you I feel ... ". If he is anything like my brother he will already know and not know how to stop it happening. Then you need to stand up and be counted. Tell him that if it continues you and YOUR children are going to go out anytime she comes over. What you don't hear will frustrate you alot but might give him the impression you no longer care.
Or smile and tell her that with her taking such an interest in the well being of her son how could you possibly go wrong with parenting bub???
Good luck
You could always get Jayten's ear pierced .... if she doesn't like tat's imagine her grief at her grandson having an earring. I think it looks cute on toddler boys too.
My MIL was fine during the pregnancy, it was after my twin boys were born when all the "fun" started. Ethan and Riley were born 7 weeks early which meant they had to go into the special care nursery for the first week of life. All my MIL could do was whinge that she could not hold HER babies!! Even though I couldn't see them for the first 24 hours as I had an emergency c-section, and I also could not hold them for the first 4 days as they had oxygen tubes, feed tubes, monitors etc hooked up to them. I could not believe what happened next. She tried to sneak into the nursery!! I was so embarassed because the nurses had to end up being bodyguards so that she wouldn't get in. She would yell through the window and everything!! In the end I told the nurses to tell her I was sleeping or feeding the babies so that I didn't have to see her. She couldn't understand that coming into the nursery not only put my babies at risk but the other premmie babies as well. Then I got home after 11 days in hospital and she started on me. "Don't do this, don't do that" I swear I felt like hitting her. The straw that broke the camels back came two weekends ago when we braved a holiday in Brisbane, the first trip for the babies. We had told MIL not to come to the airport as we were all sick and tired and all my husband and I wanted to do was feed the boys and have a rest. But what does she do? She turns up at the airport wanting to hold the babies and come home with us. After politely refusing her request, we got home and she had sent a dirty e-mail to my husband saying that she felt rejected and if it had been my mother things would have been different (although my mother would have respected our wishes and left it a couple of days for us all to get better). I am at the point where I can't stand to be around her, she tries to feed them things when they only 5 months old. She is just a loud mouth you-know-what!!!!!! :eek:
lilizzysmommy
26-08-2005, 23:53
I got off easy, my M.I.L is really nice, she helped us heaps financially and because my bf is her only child and she always wanted a girl, she treats me like her own. Sometimes she can be a bit annoying making coments that she probably thinks mite sound helpful or just plain insignificant but it does annoy the hell out of me, like when she plans when Izzy is gonna come and stay and stuff, or like the other day when she said that she can look after izzy while I get a job(which I have no intention of doing anytime soon).But i know she didn't mean anything by it. Is lucky that my bf is a very independant man and he takes no **** from no one, he has no trouble in telling her to back off or to leave him alone or not to be "stupid". he couldn't belive it when I told him what she said and he just told me she's silly and That I can do whatever I want...I just love him! he rather me stay at home an look after the lil one than to leave her with anyone else. I am glad that we are 45 mins from all family, it being mine or his as no one wants to visit us cos we live too far and the phone is always engaged cos we are on the net all the time and our mobiles are off when we are at home..we have all the peace and tranquility we want.
Mum2Tyla
30-08-2005, 15:11
I am so lucky have great support from my own family and my boyfreinds family are great i have several tattoo's myself and a piercing and event though his mum is very religious she is still very supportive nad does not judge us, and if she started butting her nose in i know my partner would back me up, it must be hard when your parnter is not seeing what is going on, but I mean if he is 25 and his mum still pays for everything that sort of explains it. Well good luck with it all. Reading all this just makes me realise how lucky I am
I just can't decide what it is really with in-laws - mil's especially.....
Mine goes from best friend to ranting old woman to self absorbed in minutes ??!!?!
On the few occasions we have had a run in I apparently have had no right to have feelings that I do, and I have no right to express them to anyone. :mad:
It frustrates me that my feelings never seem to matter, and that I'll always just roll over and go with the flow to avoid confrontation. For example, I wanted to have Xmas at home this year with DH and DS (who'll be seven months then) but, she "suggested" (none to subtlely) that we fly home for Xmas (has booked and paid for our tickets already) and then said there is no way we will visit anyone else when we are home, as we are there to stay with them........
Unfortunately, DH doesn't seem to understand how I feel about this, as it's a free trip home. I can tell you now, it wont be happening again. As a few others have said, this is our family, and I'm sick of DH apologising to his family for living so far away when we made the choice to have this lifestyle in the beginning! We matter more now ..... not saying he loves them any less, but he needs to sort priorities here.
Sorry for the rant, get kinda crazy bottling this crap up. One day I'll learn to let it go and life will be sweet! :cool:
Mum to Izak - born 12/05/2005
OMG I think we share the same MIL LOL!!
Don't you hate it when your family hold you captive, they pay for your ticket and expect you and follow them around like a lapdog for the duration of your stay. You are made out to be an ingrateful, user if you want to see friends or other family while you are there just because they paid for your ticket and gave you a bed to sleep on lol.
In a sense your post made me feel normal since I thought my family were the only ones who did this silly stuff.
My MIL is coming to stay with us next week as I'm being induced on Monday. It's been years since I stayed under the same roof as this woman and she's your average feisty, english, opinionated old duck. lol. To her credit she can sometimes be reasoned with and doesn't bottle things up like hubby's step mum who we no longer talk to (his stepmum firmly believes that any grandkids by her stepsons don't count as her grandkids because they aren't blood!).
Anyway, all the best with your MIL.
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