I'm feeling rather torn!

[Leeny]

Right... For those who know me, I've always made it extremely clear that I never, under any circumstances, want another baby.. Ever.

However.. I did always tell dh, that I have a window.. If I was to ever change my mind, I'd be looking at an 09 baby.. I don't know why, I just thought the age gap isn't too big, isn't too small.

I know there's no need to rush things if I was to decide I want to, it'd happen when it happened etc etc, but its the decision making that's the important bit.

Here's where I'm torn. I love having one. I love love love it. Although shes terrible, foul tempered, violent at times, and has a ginormous attitude problem, shes also funny, caring, sweet, very intelligent, and shes just perfect! Shes all I ever wanted or needed in a child.. I always said I wanted a little blonde haired blue eyed girl (Yes, I know that sounds superficial), but I got it! Everything I wanted, first go... Why have another??

Before I had her, I always said I didn't want a spoilt brat only child, I wanted 2, heck, maybe even three! Dh was the one who only wanted an only child...After I had her, complete change of mind for many reasons, for me, AND dh.. He wanted 2 or 3, I only wanted the 1.

I feel like I can give her anything she ever needs (and wants?). I have big plans.. I want to be able to give her a car, pay for her wedding, and even make sure she has a little house when shes old enough (Ok, I know I'm thinking a bit too big).. I feel like if I'm successful at life, with what I want to do, and how I want to live, I'll be able to provide those things, but theres no way in heck I could do it for 2 kids.. I know lifes not about material things, or what she has, and none of that matters, as long as shes happy, but its just my thoughts on providing for her.

Then I start to over analize things.. This one will sounds absolutely stupid to some people. Car seats. My dd's always been in the middle, because its the safest. Atm shes on the outside because I got another car, but I'm getting an anchor back in the middle to put her there. If I had another, I'd have to choose which one to keep in the middle.. Unless I put them both on the outside, to not play favorites! Ok, So I know thats an incredibly stupid reason not to have another :D

My business.. I'm just starting it, and I'm already so busy.. It would mean putting the whole lot on hold again for another couple of years atleast.. I may as well not start at all if thats the case!

I know I don't need to have another now (if I ever changed my mind).. I have plently of time, I'm only young. I just don't think I want to be having kids when I'm 30... I picture being 30, having my one child who I can afford to do things with, and have all the time in the world to spare for her. Maybe do a bit of traveling, who knows.. A second child just hasn't been in all these plans I've made in my head.

Butttttt.. I do have moments where I feel incredibly guilty for having one child.. I know she's loney sometimes.. We really do rely on being able to visit friends all the time for her to have someone to play with, and if shes sick, they're sick, or either party is just too busy, she sometimes gets loney.. She's got an incredibly imagination, always has, and shes fantastic at occupying herself, it doesnt replace her interacting with other children which she loves.

I just feel like I might get to 27, 28, 29 years old and regret not having another one earlier.. By that stage, would I do what I didn't want to do and have a big age gap, and have a young child later in life which is what I don't really want, or do I suck it up, and have the one, and life with the regret??

Oh, another thought! I love my little girl.. I didn't want a boy (honestly.. I reaaalllyyy didn't want a boy).. I would have been devisted if Gwen wasn't a girl. If I had another, and it was a boy, I'm sure I'd love him to pieces, but what if I was to favour Gwen without knowing it? I know my mum has always favoured my brother (presumably because he's dumb, and ugly.. No love lost there), and its not a nice feeling! I'd never want to do that to a child of mine, but I'd worry I would.

I talked about it with dh today, he's clucky, and keen, and would jump at the chance to have another.. I swear he wants to steal my friends babies sometimes :laughing: Me.. My head says no, its not the right thing to do, especially at this point in our lives.. But then I wouldn't want to wait more then a year or so before having another, so that would mean making a concious decision to have the implanon removed, to try.. Gosh it hurts my head thinking about it!

What a stupid long winded post!! If anyones made it through, I'd appreciate any input :D

ETA: A lovely friend has reminded of something, and I should probably add this too... I don't like sex! I despise it.. Could live without it forever :laughing: Having another would mean actually having to.. Do it... Ick! Wouldn't it be wrong to start having sex for another baby (if we decided to have another), then stop again? I feel it would.. Although, I'm sure dh would take what he can :rolleyes:

[Lastcenturymum]

:hugs: yes I speed read it :D

Sometimes we can plan and orchestrate things too much I reckon!:rolleyes: So many choices and options! Course that has it's up side too

Leeny, the one thing you can always afford to give is love - it doesn't cost. Material things don't satisfy in the long run - and don't ever feel you have to provide all you listed for your child. They have to learn to work for things in life. (I'm a tough meanie on that stuff!)

I always wanted mine all before I was 30 too!
I think it's great if circumstances are right and you are both willing for her to have a sibling.

Sounds like you and DH have lots of long chats ahead of you. :hugs:

[Leeny]

Yeah we had quite a long chat about it today.. I know I probably shouldn't want to provide her with all those things, but dh and I certainly haven't and won't get any help from out parents by way of trying to buy a house, I'd just love to be able to have a little cheap place, even if its a run down hovel to say here, do with it what you will! But yes, your right.. We need to work for these things:yes:

Oh and your totally right.. I'm trying to plan our lives way to much I think.. I just have goals for 5 and 10 years, for where I'd like to see our lives heading :laughing:

[cassvanm]

Leeny, I'm hearing you! I only ever wanted 2 kids! I was NEVER going back. We'd have to get a new car, a bigger house, we'd never afford it, we'd be unable to give them what we wanted etc etc etc.
However, DD2 was about 2.5yo when I started to wonder. I'd gotten rid of everything (except cot, just never got aroudn to it). Others were having 3, and I'd come to the conclusion that if we had a 3rd girl it wouldnt' be that bad (was a major decision not to go for #3 - didn't know if I would 'resent' another girl).
Then I got to thinking. I came to the conclusion that I may regret going back and having another bub, but I wouldnt regret adding another special member to my family. I want my children to appreciate things in life, and to understand how important it is to work for things, not to just feel entitled to be 'given' stuff (just my opinion) etc.
Here I am, 3 days off my due date with bub #3 and I'm freaking out! However, even though i still have doubts about whether we're doing the right thing, I love this baby as much as I love her sisters. I know I can't provide the best of everything to my girls, but I can instill in them an appreciation of love, family, respect and honest hard work.
Don't make your decision lightly, and don't stop yourself taking the plunge out of pride (like I almost did). yes, I had people laugh at me and say "but you said you'd never..." Do you know what? I don't care, coz soon I'm going to be holding my daughter in my arms, and my two oldest girls will be taught to share, help mummy, be responsible, and to enjoy the miracle that is their family.
I wish you all the best in your decision. :hugs:

[V8]

It is a hard decision, my first was difficult, still is quite difficult little mr attitude etc, but he is also delightful gorgeous and everything i ever asked for. To go for the next was very hard and then yes the having to have sex factor, ewww i guess i'm lucky it only took a few goes to get pregnant and then i haven't had sex since we conceived DS2, so over 12 months here now and still no real desire to go there again! :laughing:

But yeah, i am utterly delighted with our second son, he has been perfect since day one, just a real gentle, peaceful soul, he smiles and hardly ever whinges, he truly is just wonderful and i'm so glad i did it. DS1 has been a challenge to cope with the new brother, but he has his moments too when he wants to be near his little brother and kiss and hug him, it's quite cute. So yeah, i definately don't regret taking the plunge he is just a wonderful, delightful, precious soul. I say go for it, you won't regret it, but i definately think you will regret NOT doing it. :hugs:

[spoon]

It is so scary when you have one child and you think you could never love another child. Wondering how you could ever love another and be balanced etc. I hear you loud and clear. I had my one and only son and built my whole life around him for 10 years until I had my second beautiful boy and life was glorious. I love them each for who they are as people. Then I had twin girls and life could not be better, my life is so full of love and laughter. I will provide a happy home and as many opportunities I can muster but love is easy to give and that is what kids need the most.

Good luck with you decision. Which ever way you go you are so so so blessed already. xxx

[cheezelkat]

My thoughts....

I think as you are considering another, then unless you do it, you will continually be asking yourself if you made the right decision if you choose not to have another.

If you do have a second bub, well you will be too busy running after 2 to question your decision making abilities.

[Christelle]

Hi there,

I'm in the same dilema at the moment. I thought I would have 2 children. Well I did but our daughter passed away and then we had Lachlan. So we do have "2" but only 1 on earth.

I dont' think I could cope having another. I have enough trouble looking after Lachlan who has been going through the "terrible twos" since he was 1!!! i work 4 days a week, so really only have 1 day alone with him and I really find that day hard. Not sure what is wrong with me?????

Anyhow I do feel guilty if we do not have another, because he won't have a little buddy, but then I feel guilty if I do because I know I will find it hard with a newborn as well as looking after Lachlan who is constantly under my feet!!!

How do all you mum's cope?? Do you work or stay home?? Do you have help?? it's all too hard. I'm 32 and the clock is ticking.

[mum_I'm_hungry]

It's a hard one, but this is a road I saw my cousin go down and there were a few things about it that I found didn't make sense to me. She only wanted one child so she could afford private schooling, uni, everything she wanted to buy him etc.. But all those things... I wondered if they were really as wonderful as a sibling. Perhaps you'd be giving your daughter more than a little house, or a car etc. if she had a sibling?

That said, there are days when I see the beauty of only having one. Gah! The fighting! It's half the battle, lol!

The gender thing -- don't worry too much about it. I wanted a girl (and got it first time) and then expected another girl... wanted another girl. I had a bout of gender disappointment when I found out at my 20 week scan that I was having a boy and kind of struggled with it my entire pregnancy. And then he poppped out and... he was just a baby and I can't imagine things any other way now. I feel quite silly looking back...

[missmum05]

I was the same I always only wanted 1 child and even after having dd I was set on not having anymore but than I started wanting another :p
And I just thought back to the time when I grew up with my brother...the memories of growing up with someone and having a friend in my brother and sharing so much with him and playing together....so than I started to think if I grew up as an only child I would have been lonely :yes: it would not have been the same and I didnt want my dd to grow up on her own for my selfish reasons if that makes sense.
Now I am pregnant with #2 and can't wait to have another bub and cant wait for dd to have a little sister :D

[SilverStarfish]

:hugs: Leeny... this is one of those really tough decisions. To have another child or not... it's not like you want to paint the lounge yellow and your DH would prefer blue so you paint it green to compromise! Either you have another baby or not.

I always knew I wanted more than one. And yet, in the weeks before Becky was born I did wonder how on earth I was going to love them both. How could I feel this way about another baby? Another child?

You've seen our house (hovel:laughing:) and car I had the same sorts of thoughts about car seats and bedrooms.

It wasn't all trumpets and angels singing when Becky was born, I fully admit that it took me a little while to adjust to having two - but it happened both so subtly and yet so fast that before I knew it, having two little girls felt like the most natural thing in the world.

And that was another thing... two girls! Before they were born, I always wanted a son. Don't know why, I just did. And I'll admit I was a little disappointed at the ultrasound when the sonographer announced that I was indeed carrying another pink one.

But again, I adjusted so subtly and so fast that by the time Becky arrived having two little princesses felt like the most normal and natural thing in the world. If we have another one, I know I'd be ok - blue or pink.

I know there's lots of other complicated issues for you about this two. But there is help out there for it. I'm walking proof of that :) And we'd all be here for you, as stinky as some of us are ;)