please help!!

[Brunette]

hey guys, ok i am very confused about what i should do, i am 18 weeks pregnant and my bf and i broke up at 6 weeks into it, we are both 17 and very young i know, but i made a decision to keep my baby and i will give it everything i can, but the other half is immature at best, friends of mine have offered him respectable, well paying jobs to help support us but he refused all of them and just plainly said"i dont want to work", i think that that is ridiculous, i have made changes in my life so as i can best support my baby and yet he thinks its a free ride and he can do whatever he wants, i feel lost, he has been kicked out of school for getting drunk there and has an alcohol problem, not long ago he was arrested for getting drunk, breaking in and vandalising a school, he has a criminal record and last week was in a car crash with his drunken mates, yet he call s and abuses me because i told him i dont want him to have anything to do with me or the child, i know that may seem selfish, but i am no longer making decisions in my own ineterests, i have to look out for my child and sending my baby for weekends with her drunken, criminal father does not seem to be the smartest move. but others have told me i am being selfish and he deserves to see his child, and at first i agreed, but i am halfway through the pregnancy and still he has done nothing in preperation, he doesnt call me to find out about ultrasounds or the babys health, yet demands he see his child. it all seems so one sided and unfair. i dont know what to do, if i moved away,i know he would come looking for me and make life very difficult, but that annoys me even more considering he didnt want the child in the first place, but some where along the line he has changed his mind. he is an attention seeker and told me that he had (mind my spelling) skitzofrenia, and acted it out on several occassions, but i know he doesnt have it, he lies and is untrustworthy and i hate the thought that he can just walk in and do as he pleases with my child. if anyone has any advise or anything, please reply as i am at my wits end i just dont know what to do, am i truly being selfish?

[Chickadee]

I haven't been in your situation and so am not going to try to offer advice. But I don't think you're selfish. It sounds to me like you're having to face reality and responsibility - pretty hard not to with a growing tummy - while he isn't faced with it every day. I'll also say that it's not uncommon for men to be rather unenthusiastic & seem uninterested about the whole pregnancy thing and all the tests etc but still make great daddies at the end of it all. I don't know your bf, I can't judge him, but I think you're right to trust your heart and your instincts & do what is best for your baby.

[Veritas]

There is absolutely nothing selfish in holding your bub's interests and welfare as no.1 priority.....

You have a fantastic outlook in wanting to care, protect and provide for this bub so don't ever think you are doing the wrong thing....

I am in a similar situation, though a bit older and my ex does not have a criminal record, or major alcohol problem.... but I can empathise with the way you feel....

Do what is best for you and your bubs... don't worry about what other people have to say....

I'm sure there are legal options once the bub is born in relation to him not being a fit father if that is an avenue you want to take.... there are some good resources on the net depending on what state you are in....

[WeThree]

No, you are not being selfish. Your first priority has to be your childs welfare. The first thing you need to do is see a family law solicitor, contact Legal Aid, if you are eligible they will pay for you to see one.
Explain what is happening and start the proceedings to organise custody of the child, be strong and seek full custody with him having supervised visits only, if this enrages him and threatens you in anyway, organise an AVO. I know all this sounds harsh, but you cannot risk your childs or your safety, 17 yr old boys are unpredictable and immature at best, and your ex sounds even more so, stand your ground and do what you have to do.

[Brunette]

thankyou so very much, it is such a relief to know that there are poeple out there who are willing to listen and that i amnot alone, i have an appointment with legal aid in 2 weeks just to find out what my choices are and where i stand, i feel that information is power and i am going to do my best to get as much as possible. thanks again for your replys and for replying so quickly.:o

[munchkin05]

i honestly dont know what to say to you or what advice to give you

but i just wanted to say that as long as you do what you think is best for you and your bump then nothing else matters

get your legal advice and make sure you write everything down that happens between you and your ex eg if he threaten you or what ever write down dates times and what is said so that if you need it later on you will always have proof of everything

hope everything works out for you :D

[Jem]

i agree with coops :thumbsup:
Contacting legal aid asap, would be a great idea!
Try and Organise some some sort of residence order... they can be costly, but you can arange to pay it off :)
If things do get ugly.. and there are threats, intimidation, or any form of violence... contact the police, and put an A.V.O in place!
:hugs:

[LadyLauren]

Hi Brunette,

I know my post is a little bit late.. But I knwo exactley what you are going through... well to a point.

I feel pregnant at 15, and had my son when i was 16. His father and i brok eup 6 weeks into the pregnancy (although i didnt know i was pregnant!) after the abuse i suffered from him i wasnt going to go back to him.

I told him i was pregnant and he said he wanted to a part of the life and if i tried to run he would find me. Well that was almost 6 years ago. - No sign of him.

I didnt put his name on the birth certificate, so that kind of gives me a bit of pulling power if he ever wants to see him.. (by this i mean he can pay for a dna test etc)

At the time i too felt i was being way to selfish, but now i have realised my son has got everything he could ever want and need without his father being in his life. Think of your childs future.

I hope all went well with legal aid. And if you ever need to chat, im only a pm away!

Lauren

[FOURtunate]

I was in a similar situation 13 years ago. At 16 I "fell" pregnant. The father, my partner of 2 years, was very stable. He had a close family and network of friends, a well paying job, qualifiactions and money behind him. Everything was fine until one day he decided he didn't want to be a Dad at 20. So at 10 weeks pregnant, with no family support, and my friends disappearing to my partner's defence, I was totally alone.

I got a job at a kebab shop to save money for the baby. When I was fired due to a co worker telling the boss of my pregnancy, I applied for Centrelink benefits. I also enrolled into TAFE and did a Statent of Attainment course that could be used later if need be. I made some decisions on paper regarding my future.

1. I was going to work, and stay out of the welfare trap
2. I was not going to name my child's father on the birth certificate
3. While Centrelink was paying for courses, I would take advantage of that
4. I would prove everybody wrong
5. My child was now my life, and I had to be both parents, so I had to do a doubly better job

If your ex doesn't want a child, don't give him one. Your bub is better off with one good parent, than two who are at odds. Yes you have to grow up fast, but my 12 year old daughter is proof that it's worth the stares, humiliation, lack of money and nights out. There is plenty of help out here. I am a spokesperson for a Young Parents Group, and believe me, you're not alone.

I was lucky to have eventually made it to Uni, and met a wonderful guy there who adopted my daughter. We married and had three more children.

It's up to you how you want it to end. But I'd turn the other way and keep walking from that loser. You and bub deserve more than that.

[the_queen]

I personally think that parents (mother or father) don't have a "right" to see their child - they have a responsibility to see their child. They have to be a responsible adult to be a good parent. It's about the child, not the adult.

He sounds like a selfish git and if he were my baby's daddy I wouldn't let the kid anywhere near him.

[Blessed Mum]

I personally think that parents (mother or father) don't have a "right" to see their child - they have a responsibility to see their child. They have to be a responsible adult to be a good parent. It's about the child, not the adult.

:yelclap: Well said Queen. It is about the child.

Hope everything turned out ok for you.

[Niki]

ring leagal aid straight away my friend was in the same sort of situation, u need to ring to get all the info u need incase wen the child is born he tries to take it!! oh and no i dont think u are being selfish

[JasmineLouise]

I cant offer any advice on your situation, but i'm sure you will find all the support you need on the hub. If you need to vent or any support, feel free to PM me and i would be more than happy to talk.

hopefully everything works out for the best. :hugs:

[*Chels*]

i dont have any advice but i just wanted to say that u sound very mature for your age,and i think you will be a great mummy.putting your baby first is not selfish!!u simply cannot be selfish when u have kids,.they always come first!!
the dad sounds like an immature loser!im so sorry u are in this postion!
best of luck with everything,i hope it works out for you!
and congrats on your pregnancy:hugs:

[Tony Ryan]

A little reinforcement and encouragement: You got a lot of excellent advice from ordinary people.

I worked for government in child development, education and child protection and I can't say I can add anything to what your new friends have told you. What does that tell you?

Have confidence in your intuition. You made the right decision. You have every right to provide love and protection for your baby and no other rights come near this. As most of your correspondents have concluded, your babe's genetic father is a liability so it's your right and your responsibility to keep him out of the picture.

Good luck.

[Bexta]

What alot of great advice!!! Wat to go BubHub!!!:smiliedance:

I was 21 & in a similar situation. I ended up living in a refuge so I could just concerntrate on having a healthy baby in a stable environment... wish I knew about BubHub then!!!

As with angeldoula, I too studied to make a better life for myself & bump. You sound like you are really together & I think you baby is lucky to have you.

Good-luck :thumbsup:

[malinda84]

I was in the same boat as you 2.5 years ago and all i would say is make sure you don't let him take the baby when it is first born, if he does you will have to apply to the court to get the baby back and that takes months. So if he knows where your having the baby then i would contact the hospital and ask to move if yo areworried he will take the baby. AVO are great to but mine did nothing when i really needed it. You stil have to wait for the police and so on. Do you have the support of your parents? Mine where great my dad didn't leave my son and when my ex tried to take him out of the hospital my dad was there to stop it. Anyway in the long run you need to get legal aid ( not sure if they do orders before bubs because they need a name and DOB) I had a medical power thingy ( can't remember its name)and you get them where you would get a will done. Also get a will incase something happens to you. If you are still stuck and need help the email me and i'll give you some numbers to call where they set you up and help with bubs. I also moved and that helped heaps.

My email is malindagray@hotmail.com and i have msn

[pestiferous]

Have confidence in your intuition. You made the right decision. You have every right to provide love and protection for your baby and no other rights come near this. As most of your correspondents have concluded, your babe's genetic father is a liability so it's your right and your responsibility to keep him out of the picture. Good luck.


I agree with the above, However i also think that 17 is very young to judge who a person may or may not become in future.

Based on the information you have given, I WOULD follow the examples posted where the father was not even added to the birth certificate. There will be enough to concern yourself with simply caring for the child without the added fear of custody or visitation battles.

However, I would also attempt to keep track of your ex (no, i do not mean stalk him lol) but know how to contact him should you ever need to.

Many things can happen in life, there is a possibility that he will grow into a responsible adult who may well be capable of fulfilling a fatherly role.

Even if he never changes, the one thing you can be assured of is, one day your child WILL want to know who his or her father was. Finding out that he is a looser MAY just be less painful than never knowing him at all.

It can not hurt to ensure you have the ability to make an informed decision when that time comes.

[Chickadee]

Thanks to everyone for your contributions and support of the original poster. Seeing as it's been a few months, I'm going to close this thread now.