Help - my mother is likley to push me over the edge

[Sweetcat]

Hoping someone can help me with some advice please. This might be a long read but I'd appreciate any insight anyone can give me. I have always had a very difficult relationship with my mother. Ever since I remember, even from when I was a child, she had mental health issues (all undiagnosed as she won't admit she has a problem). In the last few years things have gotten so bad that she is almost unbearable to be around or talk to. From the research I have done it really looks like she has a narcissistic personality disorder. Everything is about her. No-one else seems to matter in the world so long as everyone is paying attention to her, giving her what she wants and praising her for everything. If a problem arises she blames everyone else. She can be very manipulative and oftentimes very nasty. It is a common habit of hers to make you feel very bad and guilty about yourself by putting you down and then she seems to perk up and be in very good spirits once you are all down. It is totally normal for me to be in tears after each time I see her and talk to her on the phone.
This behaviour of hers has affected me greatly over the years, so-much-so that I actually ended up very depressed myself. I had therapy which helped me to learn ways of changing my reaction when she is nasty instead of trying to help her as she just won't admit that she needs any kind of help. After a few months of therapy, my therapist told me that she can't help me anymore as I am OK, she really would need to see my mother instead. I tried a few times to gently talk to her about it but she ends up saying that I am crazy and I need help! She has no freinds as she can't hold onto them and she seems to be abler to manipulate my father so even though he knows there is something very wrong it is too hard for him to try to intervene. So there is no-one else I can talk to that might be able to help.

Anyway....I'm 30 weeks pregnant now and her behaviour seems to have gotten worse. She seems to think that I am having this baby purely for her entertainment. She has said many awful things to me since being pregnant all focusing on trying to make me think I'll be a bad mother, won't be able to breastfeed, my husband will leave me etc etc. With my hormones being the way they are during pregnancy my resistance to her attacks is not so great and it is upsetting me deeply. I am worrying about how I will keep her away when the baby arrives as her influence will not be good. I watched her terrorise my sister after her baby was born. She demanded constant attention and made my sister drive over there every day with the baby just so she could have her social event. She offered no help at all and criticised my sister bitterly over breastfeeding etc. Basically she had no respect whatsoever for the enourmous task it is to become a parent as she demanded for the baby not to be fed whilst it was at her house as she thought it was rude of my sister to come over and feed and not talk to her instead!!

I am considering banning her alltogether for a period after the birth and coming home with baby as I am so scared her behaviour will trigger some depression in me. I have alot of confidence about both mine and my husbands abilities to be good parents for our baby but I think her carry-on will make me forget all about this. Sometimes I think it would be so much easier to cut off ties but she is my mother and despite the pain it causes to maintain the relationship I cannot seem to break away as she is family. Does anyone have any ideas for me?

[jaq]

:hugs::hugs::hugs:

What a horrible dilemma.

I think you know what you need to do, though. You are simply looking for the strength to do it.

I can assure you that you WILL be emotionally vulnerable after your baby's birth, and any sustained contact with your mother would be a very bad idea.

I would enlist the rest of your family - husband, sister, father etc - in enforcing a regime for her.

She can visit at certain times, for a limited period of time. Beyond that, she is shown the door.

This will be easiest when you have visiting hours at the hospital. Perhaps have a word to a sympathetic nurse who might "enforce" them for you? (Most hospitals are very generous for family visiting hours, but maybe your mother doesn't know that, and you can pretend yours is strict?)

Once you get home, insist that you are trying to get bubs into a routine, and set a time for her to visit. INSIST that she visits you then and at no other time.

Schedule those visits carefully so that baby is fed, ready for "viewing" basically. You won't want to be seperated from him or her, but perhaps you might be best to have someone else around for that time so that you can minimise contact with your mother?

Something you will find - it's a lot easier to be forceful and insistent on things about your baby than it is for your own sake ... motherhood makes lionesses of us all.

For your sake - and that of your children - you need to insist your mother respects your emotional wellbeing. Insist she gets help, or you will have to take steps to protect yourself and your child.

Good luck.

[sunnyflower]

:hugs:Wow.

I could have written a lot of this post.

Your mum does sound very toxic.

I think that if you can't manage to cut her off completely than you need to have very strong boundaries.

This is your birth and your child and you need to do what's best for your family.

I would severely limit the time she spends with your baby and there is no way i would be driving over there every day.

If she wants to see the baby ,she will need to come to you.At your invitation.

She will hate the boundaries but thats too bad.if she doesn't want to seek help then she will have to accept the consequences of her actions.

[SuperGranny]

hi sweetcat, I can understand where you are coming from. This woman is supposed to love you and care for you more then she would care for herself, and you have the total opposite of what a mother is supposed to be. All I can say is you have to set boundaries with her from this day forward, dont wait for the bub to be here. You will soften in your resolve once the bub arrives. What ever boundaries you decide on, limit visits, limit phone calls, make the decisions now, and tell her. You have to protect yourself and your children from this woman. The only kind words I can say, is she doesnt realise what a disaster she is a mother, she is only able to focus on herself, and that is just the way she is. I think the only way to deal with her is from a distance, physically and emotionally from a distance, and then you will be able to get on with your own life. God bless, Marie.

[pennylane]

Aww Sweetcat :hugs:

Your mother and My mother should get together and have coffee.:yes:

They sound like the same person.

My mother has severe mental issues as well,and she also thinks its always everyone else with the problem.

She actually has never seen my daughter as she made my pregnancy an absolute living hell,Ive never kept her from my child but when she realised the attention was not on her and that we were happy and stable she lost interest.I highly doubt i'll hear from her when my new baby is born either,which is fine by me.

Occasionally when she gets bored she will try and contact me and stir up trouble again (even going to the lengths of making up stories,conversations that never took place etc) just to try and start a war.I simply laugh it off and ignore her now because I know that annoys her more than anything.

I wont give her the power to try and destroy me like shes destroyed my sister (a whole other story) and my partner and children dont deserve to be dragged into her games.

If you want to talk about it with someone whos been through similar just PM me :)

[2s'nuff]

:hugs::hugs::hugs:
Although my mum's not quite in the same category as your's, she's headed in that direction.

I think it's time you took control over the relationship (before bub arrives). Set some rules and you determine when, where and for how long you visit one another.
Your emotions will run high after bub is born, so try and distance yourself from anything she says. You know you'll make a great mum, so don't let her pursuade(sp?) you otherwise!

:hugs:
Lisa

[RedRose]

Hi Sweetcat (great name!). I agree with the other posters that you need to set boundaries now, pre birth, for your mother. Things like you're not going to be visiting her post-birth, she needs to visit you by invitation only, and for limited periods. Write them down and keep the list so that when you're vulnerable post birth you can re read them to strengthen your resolve.

You might also want to talk to you doctor about the possibility of your depression returning once you've had the baby and do up an action plan - ie a list of signs to look out for, things you can do to reduce the risk, a list of your support options. Make it easy for yourself to look after your health.

Best of luck. :hugs:

[Sweetcat]

Hi guys, Thanks so much for all of the responses. I cried when I read them, for 2 reasons 1 - it's touching that you all have such a good understanding of what I am going through and have given me some very good advice and 2 - bringing this all out in writing brings all the things from the past back to the surface. I cried for 2 hours remembering the time that my mother told all of her customers in her hairdressing shop (some who I have known my whole life) that I have HIV due to me sleeping around and they should feel sorry for her as she has such an awful daughter with aids. Mind you I didn't have aids and had not been sleeping around (EVER) - it was just her attention seeking. I had little old ladies ringing me at home and work telling me off for being so stupid to catch aids and how could I do this to my mother! Anyway...I am digressing.....

Thanks so much for the advice. I think I always knew what I need to do in setting the strict boundaries now, I guess I just needed a push and some reassurance from others that it is the right thing to do. I will start tonight by writing a list of rules and wishes with my husband. Once it is is writing it will be easier to tell her what we expect. I'm prepared to tell her several times if needed but if she can't respect it then she will know what to expect...as my new family has to come first.

Thanks again

[pennylane]

Sweetcat thats so horrible that she would do that to you.

My mothers done very similar things too.like telling people my daughter was on the brink of death when she was born a premmie (she wasnt,she was just little).That I had post natal depression (nope,she wasnt even speaking to me at the time) and that my DF was verbally and physically abusive (never,ever,ever,was always beautiful to me on the occasions they met,(shes seen him about 5 times) and has never layed a hand on me,all because when i was pregnant with DD I had high BP and had to stop work so he told me that while he was the only one bringing in a wage we had to disconnect our home phone & use our mobiles as the home phone was an unecessary bill as we never used it which was completely understandable since I couldnt pay it and why should he have to when he always used his mobile anyway,she decided that meant he was controlling and abusive :rolleyes: and told all my relatives who havent met him (the ones that had knew it was sh!t)and worried them terribly.

I really dont understand how mothers can do this to their children.

Definately put your own little family first from now on and try your best to put her out of your mind.:hugs: