Have you ever asked for DH to chose between you or his children?

[MandaMommy]

Has there ever been a time in your time when your have asked your partner to chose between you or the step children? What were the circumstances? Did you ask for just one time or permanently?

[roxster]

How could anyone choose a person non family OVER family? Children are blood related and innocent victims partners can come and go.

[Myztik]

No and I would never ask DF to choose between me and DSS :no:

[Seekrit]

I've been the step child that my dad was asked to choose between. It hurt me, 9 years ago and I'm still a bit bitter. He didn't know what to choose and that crushed me completely.... I still remember that horrible horrible feeling of being unloved and tossed aside, both by my dad and his (at-the-time-girlfriend... soon to be his wife)

[MandaMommy]

I've been the step child that my dad was asked to choose between. It hurt me, 9 years ago and I'm still a bit bitter. He didn't know what to choose and that crushed me completely.... I still remember that horrible horrible feeling of being unloved and tossed aside, both by my dad and his (at-the-time-girlfriend... soon to be his wife)

I can totally relate to this and I too have been in this situation... I didn't talk to my father for nearly 6 years while he was with his second wife and it took about 6 months after their divorce for me to start talking to him again.

I guess what I was trying to ask was much along the lines of .... what if I was offered work interstate? what if I needed to move overseas?

I guess it is more about do I change my plans to suit the step children?

[Myztik]

I think that is different. It's not like your asking him to cut his child/ren out of his life completely. You can still have holidays and what not I guess.

[threechooks]

I guess what I was trying to ask was much along the lines of .... what if I was offered work interstate? what if I needed to move overseas?

I guess it is more about do I change my plans to suit the step children?.

IMO when you get involved with a man with Children you have to be prepared to make a lot of personal sacrifices too. I have greater earning capacity/promotion oppurtunities in the bush and so does my DH but we have stayed in the city for the past 10 years as my SDD needs her dad. SDD will be 18 in 7 years, then we can go bush and follow our dream. Until then children whether step children or not come first! I would never put an ultimatum to DS as I would expect to lose, children are blood :). I know how hard step families can be. Good luck!

[sam's mum]

before we got married I told DH that DD1 and I were a package deal, that if he takes on me he takes on her too.

he agreed to this and I expect him to take her into consideration the same as he would the children that we have together.

[DoubleDelight]

I believe that when you get involved with someone who already has children then you are making a choice to accept that your partner will have to factor this in to any future life choices they make.

If you aren't prepared to accept that you won't always have total autonomy in your life then you shouldn't pursue that relationship.

To ask someone to choose not to put those children first is wrong IMO.

[alphafemale2901]

I gave up a lot to move myself and my DD down to the country to be with my (now) husband and his three kids, and essentially did it when I did because he couldn't cope with his children alone and although his X had done a runner on him and their kids, she was trying to get custody and DH wanted to retain custody and didn't think he had a chance without me living there. We went through every circle of hell to accomodate his kids and his X, often to the detriment of the needs of myself and my DD, and when I got pregnant again (and we were married by this time) I said I was tired of being isolated and wanted to move back to the big smoke, with all our kids. The X petitioned the Family Court to prevent my husband leaving the district with the children, even though we had organised a house and a new job for DH in the city. So he was in a really hard spot, because I couldn't stand living in isolation anymore and had well had enough of all the rubbish we'd had to put up with and the sacrifices I had made and was going with or without him. Being pregnant made me believe I needed to look after myself for a change. I didn't ask him to give up his children, or even suggest it. I told him he needed to do what was right for him and that I loved him and would respect any decision he made. He came to the city with me, two of his children (who wanted to go) went with their mother and we basically took the other one (who wanted to stay with us) against court orders.

I would never have made him choose. I think that is wrong. He made a choice - not to be balckmailed by his X, and to suffer the consequences of his actions against the court. In a round about way everything has worked out.

[MandaMommy]

alphafemale your story is similiar to my experience. But not the country just a very long way from my family :( However we didn't retain custody of the children, we lost them and now just have EOW and half holidays.

It is not so much that I am making my DH choose, he of course has a choice. But I am the same and now need to be closer to my family. It is not that my DH will not ever be able to see his children but it would not be possible for him to maintain EOW.

It is a hard decision for me too. I love my husband and I love the children however my children are missing my family and so am I. I can't even justified staying for his children's ages as one of my brothers is only 2 years older than the step children.

I feel my family need me and my brothers need me. My father is moving overseas next month and I need to be close to them and maintain contact with them. My teenage brother will be left to complete year 12 and start uni on his own, he hasn't got a mother to help him and he needs me. So I feel like I don't have a choice because I am the closest thing he has to a mother.

[SassyMummy]

I think I'd feel pretty ripped off if one of my parents left me because their partner got a job elsewhere. You can always get new jobs, or go make financial cut-backs or whatever... but you can't get that time back with your children, and nor can they get it back with you.

Your brother might be young - but he's your brother. These are his kids. I think their right to have him near is stronger than your brother's right to have his sister nearby.

[sockstealingpoltergeist]

.

IMO when you get involved with a man with Children you have to be prepared to make a lot of personal sacrifices too. I have greater earning capacity/promotion oppurtunities in the bush and so does my DH but we have stayed in the city for the past 10 years as my SDD needs her dad. SDD will be 18 in 7 years, then we can go bush and follow our dream. Until then children whether step children or not come first! I would never put an ultimatum to DS as I would expect to lose, children are blood :). I know how hard step families can be. Good luck!
I agree completely.
If you had children could you just leave them behind to go off over seas and live life like as if they didn't exist? I could never just leave my children and expect someone else to raise them so why should he? Phone calls and holidays do not cut it, real men look after their children, and put them first.
Would you want children to a man who could disregard their own flesh and blood so easily?

[sockstealingpoltergeist]

alphafemale your story is similiar to my experience. But not the country just a very long way from my family :( However we didn't retain custody of the children, we lost them and now just have EOW and half holidays.

It is not so much that I am making my DH choose, he of course has a choice. But I am the same and now need to be closer to my family. It is not that my DH will not ever be able to see his children but it would not be possible for him to maintain EOW.

It is a hard decision for me too. I love my husband and I love the children however my children are missing my family and so am I. I can't even justified staying for his children's ages as one of my brothers is only 2 years older than the step children.

I feel my family need me and my brothers need me. My father is moving overseas next month and I need to be close to them and maintain contact with them. My teenage brother will be left to complete year 12 and start uni on his own, he hasn't got a mother to help him and he needs me. So I feel like I don't have a choice because I am the closest thing he has to a mother.
I don't mean to be rude, I know you say you are the closest thing your brothers have to a mother. Your step children only have one father who is also being taken away from them, to put your brothers needs above your husbands own children is really sad IMO. You knew he had children when you married him.

[Jakois]

IMO if you make the decision to become part of someones life when they have children, you make the decision to have those children in your life as well.
Those children deserve to have thier father as often as possible.
From what I can summise, you will be making your DH choose not only between you, but also choosing his children with you over his other children.
This would in turn be DEVESTATING for his other children.
I find that to be just plain wrong:no:.

[earthfairy]

My dad left my mum & me when i was 7 years old. He shacked up with his brothers wife & she asked him not to have anything to do with me.

SO he didnt.

I didnt speak or see my dad until i was 18 - while we have an ok relationship now - it will never repair what he did. I felt that if my own dad could leave me then why wouldnt anyone else?

I think you need to think your decison through very carefully - you dont want to ask your DH to make this decision & move for you to be closer to your brother only for him to miss out on so much in his childrens lives.
You will probably find that the kids will be hurt & your DH may resent you later on for him missing out on so much.
You cant replay or rewind kids lives, they fly by so quickly.

I know my dad felt like this when he re-entered my life at 18. When he left i was a little girl - then all of a sudden a woman.

IMO while ALL family are important, i think your own children take preference.
How would you feel moving from your kids only to be able to see them every now & again?
Wouldnt be easy.

Good luck with your decisions.....

[sam's mum]

I gave up a lot to move myself and my DD down to the country to be with my (now) husband and his three kids, and essentially did it when I did because he couldn't cope with his children alone and although his X had done a runner on him and their kids, she was trying to get custody and DH wanted to retain custody and didn't think he had a chance without me living there. We went through every circle of hell to accomodate his kids and his X, often to the detriment of the needs of myself and my DD, and when I got pregnant again (and we were married by this time) I said I was tired of being isolated and wanted to move back to the big smoke, with all our kids. The X petitioned the Family Court to prevent my husband leaving the district with the children, even though we had organised a house and a new job for DH in the city. So he was in a really hard spot, because I couldn't stand living in isolation anymore and had well had enough of all the rubbish we'd had to put up with and the sacrifices I had made and was going with or without him. Being pregnant made me believe I needed to look after myself for a change. I didn't ask him to give up his children, or even suggest it. I told him he needed to do what was right for him and that I loved him and would respect any decision he made. He came to the city with me, two of his children (who wanted to go) went with their mother and we basically took the other one (who wanted to stay with us) against court orders.

I would never have made him choose. I think that is wrong. He made a choice - not to be balckmailed by his X, and to suffer the consequences of his actions against the court. In a round about way everything has worked out.


I disagree with you saying that you didn't make him choose. by telling him that you were moving anyway that left him with a choice - move with you or stay with his kids, he only faced that choice because of your actions. this means that you did make him choose.

[alphafemale2901]

You couldn't be further from the mark. It was his X who made him choose. After doing a runner and herself chosing to have little to do with her kids for over 3 years she finally decided when my pregnancy was announced that she wanted those kids back.

After enduring over 3 years of disempowerment and sacrificing the needs of my own child to accomodate the needs of DH's an his X I decided that I had had enough. I was prepared to leave DH to do what was best for me and my bio-child. I had been a single mum for 10 years and was well prepared to do it again. DH chose to join me without any pressure from me.

Are you a step parent?^^^

[sam's mum]

nope, DH is the step parent, so I see it from the other side. there are a lot of things that we would do if we didn't have to take DD1 into consideration. We would love to move to the Netherlands for a while to spend time with DHs family but we can't because of DD1s schooling and her relationship with her bioDad. Unfortunately by the time DD1 is adult enough to be left the other kids will be in school. oh well.

[miloand4]

We all have to make sacrifices for our children his yours and any had together but always the kids should come first not the adults otherwise dont have kids and certainly dont get involved with someone who does if your not willing to put those kids first. Any man who fathers a child should be strong enough to stand up and put that child first. Kids suffer so much from these sorts of situations.

[alphafemale2901]

We all have to make sacrifices for our children his yours and any had together but always the kids should come first not the adults otherwise dont have kids and certainly dont get involved with someone who does if your not willing to put those kids first. Any man who fathers a child should be strong enough to stand up and put that child first. Kids suffer so much from these sorts of situations.

Yep we do make sacrifices. I sacrificed everything to care for his kids, to the detriment of my relationship with my daughter and my sanity. Finally when I realised that his kids couldn't care less about us I decided to put the needs of my children first, and that included moving back to a place where I had the support of my parents and a handful of friends, where I wouldn't be isolated in the middle of nowhere and where I wouldn't have to endure any further disempowerment. If the two people that brought DH's kids into the world won't put out to accomodate them, thats really nothing to do with me.

I'm just not going to get into this any further because the unfair judgements of people who haven't even come close to walking in my shoes, are really starting to bore me.

[sam's mum]

Yep we do make sacrifices. I sacrificed everything to care for his kids, to the detriment of my relationship with my daughter and my sanity. Finally when I realised that his kids couldn't care less about us I decided to put the needs of my children first, and that included moving back to a place where I had the support of my parents and a handful of friends, where I wouldn't be isolated in the middle of nowhere and where I wouldn't have to endure any further disempowerment. If the two people that brought DH's kids into the world won't put out to accomodate them, thats really nothing to do with me.

I'm just not going to get into this any further because the unfair judgements of people who haven't even come close to walking in my shoes, are really starting to bore me.

:hugs: I wasn't judging you, I just didn't understand the contradiction that I perceived.

I don't know that the post that you quoted was necessarily directed at you either.

step families are hard. I know that mine is.

[MandaMommy]

] Yep we do make sacrifices. I sacrificed everything to care for his kids, to the detriment of my relationship with my daughter and my sanity. Finally when I realised that his kids couldn't care less about us I decided to put the needs of my children first, and that included moving back to a place where I had the support of my parents and a handful of friends, where I wouldn't be isolated in the middle of nowhere and where I wouldn't have to endure any further disempowerment. If the two people that brought DH's kids into the world won't put out to accomodate them, thats really nothing to do with me.[/FONT]



Thank you for your contribution to this thread. I understand the need for you to put your children and your sanity first. I haven't had alot to say during the posts because your replies could have easily been my own. Step families are hard, and been a step mother is hard especially when you put so much effort into making it work for the children sakes, quite often this is at the sacrifice of your own happiness, needs and wants. I have rarely put my own needs before the step children and I always take them into consideration. But to expect me to put my life, my career and my family on hold is a big sacrifice to make for someone who is not blood related to myself!!!!

Yes you can all bag me and say I knew what I was getting into when I married my DH.... but you should all realise that he too knew what he was getting into when he meet me. He chose to pursue a relationship with me and to involve his children in my life knowing too well the future I have planned for myself. So I'm with you alpha, not my problem if my DH choses to pursue my dreams with me and not accommodate his children.

[Jakois]

Have you put your thoughts across to your DH?

[MandaMommy]

My DH has been aware of the situation since we met...In fact when I met my DH I was full-time caring for my 14 year old brother (hence in my post the reason I said I am the closest thing he has to a mother) I was also pursuing my career and was employed with an international firm and intended to move overseas... My DH was totally aware of the situation. At the moment my life is on hold for my own children and I am on maternity leave and my career is on hold as well. My DH is happy for me to pursue my career and intends to support me in my decisions. I guess I started this thread because I understand that my decisions affect my DH and his children and therefore in choosing to pursuing an overseas career I would be putting him in the position of choosing me or his children. I still have time to make the decision about my career. As for my family I would rather be closer to them now as later I may not be in the country. Yet again my decision to be closer to my family still puts my DH in the position of having to choose. I have discussed this with him and he says it is my call and he will be supporting me. But either way it is a hard decision for me to make.

[Jakois]

I guess you can only hope that it doesnt backfire on you and make your DH resent you down the track.
Are his children very young?

[miloand4]

Im not judging you at all. I think your situation would be a very difficult one to be in. It will be a very hard descision to make and I certainly dont envy u that. I hope you can find a solution that suits everyone. My daughter is "the step daughter" and I know she would have been happy to just have contact on the phone and in letters or emails with her dad as he lives far away but his wife wont even allow that. So sad :(. He should be able to mantain a good relationship with his kids where ever he lives as long as he puts in an effort. You do have to do what is right for your family but without forgetting that they are part of your family. I wish you well and hope it all works out for you :)

[musicalmummy]

:hugs: what a hard spot you are in. its so hard to say you shouldn't do things and pursue the things you desirejust cos of thestep kids. what about your own kids and the things they may be missing out on because of staying put. they deserve to have your family around too.
i feel the more one has to put on hold, or the more sacrifices we have to make cos of the other kids can make us resent them in the future. :hugs:

[HunterzMummy]

:hugs: what a hard spot you are in. its so hard to say you shouldn't do things and pursue the things you desirejust cos of thestep kids. what about your own kids and the things they may be missing out on because of staying put. they deserve to have your family around too.
i feel the more one has to put on hold, or the more sacrifices we have to make cos of the other kids can make us resent them in the future. :hugs:

:iagree: with you... I dont think anyone can make judgment or make you feel awful for your feelings.. They are just as real as anything..And this is such a touchy situation for us step mums - the balance between the sacrifices (and emotional welfare) you make for your children as apposed to your step children

You know you always have my 100% support hun:hugs:

Its really hard :crying: and you know i empathize with you mandamommy

[NibbleCurlynBub]

Yep we do make sacrifices. I sacrificed everything to care for his kids, to the detriment of my relationship with my daughter and my sanity. Finally when I realised that his kids couldn't care less about us I decided to put the needs of my children first, and that included moving back to a place where I had the support of my parents and a handful of friends, where I wouldn't be isolated in the middle of nowhere and where I wouldn't have to endure any further disempowerment. If the two people that brought DH's kids into the world won't put out to accomodate them, thats really nothing to do with me.

I'm just not going to get into this any further because the unfair judgements of people who haven't even come close to walking in my shoes, are really starting to bore me.
As I have said before (only once or twice) I have been in a VERY similar situation. :yes:

It is far from easy and most people who have nasty things to say about it have NO IDEA what it feels like.
It is GUILT. Consuming every day downward spiral of GUILT that you know you shouldn't feel the way you do about his kids but you just can't change it.
The awful feelings we put on OURSELVES are so much worse than anything anybody can possibly say to us but once again, you can't change how you feel. :no:

:hugs: :hugs:

[spoon]

I will most likely be in your position one day down the track.

I have every intention of moving overseas one day to work, and my husband knows this. We have 3 little babies together, I have a teenage child from a prior relationship and he has a daughter who is 9.

I am willing too give it about 5 or 6 years. His daughter will be 14 or 15, and if things have not improved with the lack of respect that it shown to us by her then we will have to move on.

There is only so long you can live this way. I think 15, 16 is old enough to take accountablilty for her relationship with us. If hubby is torn about that then I will wait till she is 18, but then I am way outta here.

It is not easy being a step mother. We get to be the scape goat. The one to blame. The hated one for no apparent reason.

[jalibali]

Yep I asked DH to choose between me and his son. I tried for 18 months to make shared custody work and I really did everything I could. Unfortunately his exwife is a psycho lesbian who was just making our lives absolute hell and the shared custody was just an opportunity for her to yell at me every week. Obviously this also affected his 12 yr old son.

She left him for a woman - so why did she care????? After a while I couldn't cope, being yelled at and called horrible names for no reason had made me a mess, I was scared to go to the shops incase I ran into her or the son. I offered to leave so that he could raise his son on his own. In the end we realised shared custody was not working and his son was not benefiting from the arrangement. So he chose me and we moved to another area. 3 years later they do not know where we live and I feel safe knowing that. For a while DH took his son out and did stuff with him, but since the arrival of our DD he wants nothing to do with us, he won't even talk to his father.

[NibbleCurlynBub]

:hugs: :hugs:

That is how I feel, although the situation here is different. :(

[MamaKoala]

I have had my share of choices to make about relationships and sharing children with someone else. My DP and I have two children together but I made the decision to leave our relationship. I met someone who wanted me to move overseas and the choice was that I would have to leave my kids behind. Ultimately I chose to stay with my kids, and although the man I was with never asked me to leave them, he was angry that I wouldn't move, even though I would have to leave them. I am now back with the father of my children and in the interum he had two children so it will soon be me who is a step-parent and I feel like I have as much responsibility to his other kids as I do my own because they are a part of him, and they are a part of my sons. It is difficult to deal with the other party at times but I do not feel that blood is thicker than mud in this case because they ARE blood, maybe not my blood but they are my children's blood and they need each other.
I'm not judging anyone's particular situation, I know that each person has their own path to walk and the decisions in your life can make or break you. Everyone needs to have the freedom to make those decisions for the betterment of their family. Sometimes that takes away from someone else's life, you just have to make the best decisions you can under the circumstances. No one's perfect and as long as you tried, you did the best you could with the hand you had.