View Full Version : How d'you handle conversations about 'family' after a loss?
I was at a family function today and a few people in my family dont know about my two babies in heaven.
Now, this has happened to me a few times and I just dont know how to handle it. I dont mind talking about my bubs, or the loss of them. Not at all - quite the opposite actually. My thought is that I want to make people aware of the fact that not all pregnancies are healthy and successful. I dont want sympathy votes, but just some respect for my two bubs who are waiting in heaven.
How do you handle conversations when people ask about having children? We haven't been blessed with any bubs yet, so people often ask when we are planning on beginning a family. How do you say that you have already tried, without putting the guilt trip on people, but whilst still respecting the memory of your loss? :confused:
Perhaps you can just say you both are trying, and you havent had a successful pregnancy as of yet, and that you have a couple of gorgeous angel children watching from above.
and :hugs: sorry about your two angel babies. Baby dust to you and your parnter :fingerscrossed:
Not having been in this situation myself this is all a hypothetical opinion which I hope is ok. I would just be matter of fact about it. I mean if they ask a question of when you are going to become parents, you can only be honest and that isn't going for pity, it's just the truth.
I think miscarriage is one of those subjects that people aren't sure about how to talk about with the parents who have lost the child. To me, you are already a parent. Just because you babies haven't made it full term doesn't mean you aren't a parent. And I think that is what people really need to understand.
If people ask if we are going to have more children, I always say 'We hope to'. If they ask when we are going to have more, I simply say 'When we are lucky enough to'.
The ability to have bubs is something we can never take for granted. I remember on my birthday one year being pregnant with my little boy - as we'd lost our first bub, I hadn't told people I was pregnant. My sister was telling me how she would give me her cot when we eventually had a bub. I remember breaking down in tears later on because even though I was pregnant, I never thought we would get to have a little one and it seemed so easy for her to assume we'd have kids as she'd had two full pregnancies.
I didn't tell any friends or family of my m/c until after my DD was born. So, hmmm, 3 years after my first m/c I think. Having been married so long we got asked quite often about starting a family. I simply wasn't comfortable telling people and wouldn't have been comfortable with expressions of sympathy - although well meaning some of my family are emotional "gushers" & I'm not, so I always feel overwhelmed. So when asked about family my usual answer was to the effect of "when the time is right". (and then go cry to myself later as needed).
So I really think it depends on how comfortable you are with whoever is asking. I don't think there is anything wrong with keeping your grief private to some extent.
I still find it hard especially when we run into people that I havent seen for awhile.
I use to say that we were trying ( under IVF).
Even now when people say guee you guys took your time having children, its hard to turn around and say well I lost 2 babies after 20 weeks people usually run the other way.
It makes me sad though I dont give them the acknowledgement they deserve:crying:
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