cjb/jbvd
27-04-2006, 13:44
i'm not really expecting a reply, but need to put thought to paper so i clarify what i really feel.
basically: i am parent in the defence force. that's just scratching the surface.
although my partner and i split up four months ago, we still share a house because i know that if i ask him to leave, my son won't see his father. he hardly sees him now as his father seems to think that it's ok to drink all night and sleep all weekend during the day. but when he does see him, my son laughs and has a great time. what little they do have is something special.
over the weekend the ex got very drunk had a huge yelling fit over god only knows what. slammed every door in the house. and then started saying some really horrible nasty things to me. it's not the first time he's been like this, but he won't recognise that he has a problem, and always makes out that i am the problem in the house. i don't recognise myself anymore. i used to be strong and independant, but somehow he manges to reduce me to a cowering wimp who's too afraid to voice an opinion or say that i am unhappy with the way he behaves.
my MIL is a lovely lady, but has no idea what an ******* her son is. She would give me the shirt off her back if i didn't keep refusing her very generous offers of financial help (i don't need her money, i have a job, but it's the thought that counts) She has welcomed me to the family with open arms, but she lives in north queensland and can't really be there for me. if i tell her the truth about her son, i'm afraid she won't believe me and stop speaking to me. there goes another family member that my son will never know.
aside from the **** ex i have a **** mother: the first thing she said to me when i told her i was going to have a child was "what a stupid thing to do". she hates my ex (and i can't blame her, he's really not very nice), but she makes my life extremely difficult by refusing to even be polite. a good example is a few weeks ago i got told i may be going away for a month. i called my mum (as you do) and asked if she would please come to sydney to look after my son. he would have been five months old when i left. the first thing she said "why can't you send him over here?" (here being perth). when i politely explained that no, i wasn't going to send my boy away from all he is familiar with, his home, his daily routine, his doctor, his daycare (that i would still have to pay for, and he would still have been going even if she did come over) just so she wouldn't have to put up with my ex, she hung up the phone and we didn't speak for five weeks. she constantly tries to rule over the decisions i make for my son, and if i don't do something the way she thinks i should, she tells me i don't love my son, i'm ****, and i have no idea about being a decent parent. she's been like that my whole life.
to top it off, my ex has a child to another woman he had a one night stand with. she keeps in touch with him all the time. but she hates me. i don't know why as we have only ever met once and that was for five minutes. this means my son has a half brother he will never know. i've made an effort by sending cards and presents for her son as it's not the poor little guys fault he's trapped in the middle, but she just leaves them at the MIL's house (who she gets along very well with mostly because the MIL pays for everything to do with her son)
basically i am doing this on all my own. i have no close family, either in distance or emotionally. i don't have any close friends. all i have is work, and my son. the DCO have offered support, but i don't have the time to go to mothers meetings and days out as they are always during work hours. and as anyone familiar with the defence force knows, it's a small world. you can't bring problems to work, because then every man and his dog wants to know what's going on and what the matter is. mostly just out of idle curiosity or because they think it's their business, not because they can or want to help.
i'm just holding out for my posting next year. then i get to move closer to the MIL, away from the ex and get out on my own. but that's seven months from now and it seems so far away. the only thing holding me together is my little guy. he's the light of my life and i would do anything to see him smile and laugh. i know i can do it, and hang in there, but it gets really hard.
anyway
thanks bubhubbers for letting me get this out
basically: i am parent in the defence force. that's just scratching the surface.
although my partner and i split up four months ago, we still share a house because i know that if i ask him to leave, my son won't see his father. he hardly sees him now as his father seems to think that it's ok to drink all night and sleep all weekend during the day. but when he does see him, my son laughs and has a great time. what little they do have is something special.
over the weekend the ex got very drunk had a huge yelling fit over god only knows what. slammed every door in the house. and then started saying some really horrible nasty things to me. it's not the first time he's been like this, but he won't recognise that he has a problem, and always makes out that i am the problem in the house. i don't recognise myself anymore. i used to be strong and independant, but somehow he manges to reduce me to a cowering wimp who's too afraid to voice an opinion or say that i am unhappy with the way he behaves.
my MIL is a lovely lady, but has no idea what an ******* her son is. She would give me the shirt off her back if i didn't keep refusing her very generous offers of financial help (i don't need her money, i have a job, but it's the thought that counts) She has welcomed me to the family with open arms, but she lives in north queensland and can't really be there for me. if i tell her the truth about her son, i'm afraid she won't believe me and stop speaking to me. there goes another family member that my son will never know.
aside from the **** ex i have a **** mother: the first thing she said to me when i told her i was going to have a child was "what a stupid thing to do". she hates my ex (and i can't blame her, he's really not very nice), but she makes my life extremely difficult by refusing to even be polite. a good example is a few weeks ago i got told i may be going away for a month. i called my mum (as you do) and asked if she would please come to sydney to look after my son. he would have been five months old when i left. the first thing she said "why can't you send him over here?" (here being perth). when i politely explained that no, i wasn't going to send my boy away from all he is familiar with, his home, his daily routine, his doctor, his daycare (that i would still have to pay for, and he would still have been going even if she did come over) just so she wouldn't have to put up with my ex, she hung up the phone and we didn't speak for five weeks. she constantly tries to rule over the decisions i make for my son, and if i don't do something the way she thinks i should, she tells me i don't love my son, i'm ****, and i have no idea about being a decent parent. she's been like that my whole life.
to top it off, my ex has a child to another woman he had a one night stand with. she keeps in touch with him all the time. but she hates me. i don't know why as we have only ever met once and that was for five minutes. this means my son has a half brother he will never know. i've made an effort by sending cards and presents for her son as it's not the poor little guys fault he's trapped in the middle, but she just leaves them at the MIL's house (who she gets along very well with mostly because the MIL pays for everything to do with her son)
basically i am doing this on all my own. i have no close family, either in distance or emotionally. i don't have any close friends. all i have is work, and my son. the DCO have offered support, but i don't have the time to go to mothers meetings and days out as they are always during work hours. and as anyone familiar with the defence force knows, it's a small world. you can't bring problems to work, because then every man and his dog wants to know what's going on and what the matter is. mostly just out of idle curiosity or because they think it's their business, not because they can or want to help.
i'm just holding out for my posting next year. then i get to move closer to the MIL, away from the ex and get out on my own. but that's seven months from now and it seems so far away. the only thing holding me together is my little guy. he's the light of my life and i would do anything to see him smile and laugh. i know i can do it, and hang in there, but it gets really hard.
anyway
thanks bubhubbers for letting me get this out