Getting it right

[Bron]

Do you find that so many people try so hard to say the right thing when they find you've miscarried, but so many of them get it wrong?

Sometimes I felt like saying "hey, I'm not contagious you know, you can talk to me". Because some people seemed to think I should be left alone.

And then there were times when I felt like saying "I don't want to talk about it all the time with virtual strangers" because some people seemed to think it was the only thing happening in my life.

And there were the times when I had to say "there are some things that can't be fixed with a girls night, videos and ice cream"

And then the corker "So, you know I've only just miscarried, did you really have to talk CONSTANTLY about your pregnancy. Of course I'm happy for you, but I don't need to know every tiny detail, it hurts too much".

Have you girls found any other situations where people try, but just get it wrong? Wht did you do?

[mysonroger]

my MIL , who should never have found out that i was pregnant in the first place (...my fault by the way) wanted to know the due date of the baby if survived, which i didnt' have a clue, because i think there was going to be a card in the mail or ceremony or something ........something that i so wouldn't havve been into. anyway, she wanted to know the date of conception (the night i shagged her son????) as well (dirty minger) and i just sat there saying.....i don't know i don't know, but really thinking 'i don't believe this....very personal questions'. anyway, she found out about the miscarriage so long after it happened and she went on and on about it. this was all going on while i was actually in the middle of my second mc. and the one thing i asked was for her to keep it confidential and apparently, the family (oh, so she blabbed then) had to talk her out of going to see the parish priest.............it was so ridiculous. she also tried to bring the topic up in front of me and family friends. in the end, the whole family stopped talking to me because apparently i hadn't handled the situation very well. can you believe this.
so i slinked off into the hospital to have my D&C for the second mc knowing that i had no support because of .........who knows what the ***** it was all about. anyway, the result was that as soon as i found out i was pregnant, we made our plans to have my baby in australia with my family, who i knew would have stood by me no matter what.
crazy isn't it. and they wondered why we were leaving.

[drewid]

Bron, I worry so much about saying the wrong thing, that I generally end up saying nothing at all. I feel like thats almost as bad, if it makes it seem like I don't care?

[rynosmum]

Wow, I don't know where to start with this one !

A few instances:
. My sister referring to my miscarriage as a 'spontaneous abortion' in general conversation - I left the room.
. A older childless female workmate who stormed out of the room when she had heard I was first pregnant (she had just broken up with her partner) who then proceeded to insult and lie about me at work for my entire pregnancy came up to offer 'condolences for my loss' - I absolutely bit her head off and then decided I needed another couple of days off:o
. A great friend who called me straight away to tell me that I could just try again (whilst letting her newborn baby gurgle into the phone) I burst into tears.
. A work colleague who publicly congratulated me on my pregnancy in front of major clients only for me to have to tell him that I had M/C the week before - I went home and burst into tears.:crying:
. The number of people who said 'it happened for a reason', 'it's probably better this way as there was probably something wrong' etc etc - I just didn't answer.

All people who meant well (except for the evil workmate) but had no idea on how to offer their assistance.

Conversly, people who just came up and gave me a hug or admitted that they didn't know what to say were fantastic.:thumbsup:

[Bron]

It is challenging, I realise that my post makes it sound like everything is wrong.

I think that the right thing to do is to make contact somehow (phone, text, email, letter) and just say that you are sorry and thinking about them. You don't need to push the issue, but you also don't need to ignore them.

The absolute best conversation I had with a friend went something like this

Me: "Oh, Hi"
Her: "Hey Bron, I'm so sorry. I just wanted to let you know that I'm thinking of you"
Me: "thanks, that's really helpful"
Her: "We love you very much, both of you. If you need a chat, just give me a call".
Me: "thanks, I'm grateful, I'm not sure what I want at the moment"
Her: "That's OK, but if you do need me, I'm here. We're thinking of you and him right now"
Me: "thanks, I'll call you later".

No prying, not too much chatting, but an acknowledgment of our loss, an offer of support and an expression of regret and love.

It was perfect, and I treasure this person even more than ever now. :hugs:

[MilkOnTap]

Oh yeah - sometimes people just dont think before they speak. But hey, I'm guilty of it too. My corker story is that when I was in the process of getting my second ectopic diagnosed I had about 4 or 5 ultrasounds (internal & external). Because I'd had an ectopic previously I was always put straight at the top of the list and taken straight in for my ultrasounds.

I arrived at the radiology clinic for one of these ultrasounds and introduced myself with my name and the time of my appointment. The receptionist responded with "Oh, your the ectopic lady"

That hurt. I turned around, sat down and then proceeded to burst into tears in the middle of a full waiting room. It was such a rude and callous thing to say - as if I wasn't stressed out enough!

She later apologised as I was leaving.

[MilkOnTap]

Oh - "Your still young, you have plenty of time"

Well, time isn't going to give me my tube back is it!!!! Nor is it going to increase fertility!!!! :banghead:

[DB&O]

I think I also got every single thing that Rynosmum had but the one that made me the most upset was my best friend talking about how easily she had had both her son & daughter while consoling me over my second m/c.
I agree that it is often hard for ppl to know what to say but like Bron said the right combination of things can endear you to someone for ever more :hugs:

[belsbubs]

Hi Girls,

Ally, I've already met you in another post, but for those of you who don't know me, a little history:

I have a treasured DD who is 16 months old. I lost my second baby at 11weeks in March. I also have a large cyst on my ovary which hasn't been able to be removed until now due to my prg.

I had my first appt after my D&C with my gyno on Monday (was one of his registrar's as he was in surgery) after going thru my history and reading all my notes, I'm walking out the door and she says to me "oh, by the way, try not to get prg this time. just wait until after your surgery"!!!!

I could have crash tackled her to the floor and pulverised her! I just looked at her and said deadpan "yeah, been there, done that. not likely to do it again". walked out to my car and burst into tears.

Talk about bedside manner....

[Tea Lady]

Strangely enough the person who seemed most comfortable talking to me about mine was my physio who I had met once before - now that was a wierd conversation!

I have a wonderful friend who has also had a m/c and she asks how I'm going with it, and one of the ladies from my mum's group who I don't really know too well actually rang me specially to see how I was going and she offered to look after DD for me to give me a break (of course I took her up on it!). I thought that was a lovely thing to do and I know it would have been hard for her to think of what to say, but she did it anyway. That meant alot to me.

On the other hand, I appreciated people just being there even if they didn't actually talk about it - it helps to feel that you have friends.

Another thing that I thought was really nice was an older lady from a Bible study group I''m in dropped over with a meal and a card which was really thoughtful. I think cards are a good option - I try to do that when I can't think what to say because you can think about what you write and you don't blurt out something inappropriate.

I've got to say too that I appreciated all the PMs I got from here - what a great bunch of ladies :hugs:

[Bron]

I've got to say too that I appreciated all the PMs I got from here - what a great bunch of ladies :hugs:

I agree, I found bubhub because I was looking for a place to help me come to terms with my first m/c. By the time I had my second m/c, I knew a lot of people here and the support I got was incredible. The pms and posts were very touching. What a lovely supportive cyber community. :hugs: :kiss:

[Foxy]

Hi Bron, I am very sad that there is even a need for a thread such as this, but I wanted to thank you. It really helps people like me (with a large foot in an even larger mouth) know what to say in this situation.

A very good friend of mine recently had a m/c, I know she wanted to talk to me about it, and I tried so hard to say the right thing, but everything sounded wrong. I didn't say it "happened for a reason" or anything like that, but I did ask her if she wanted to try again soon (which she does).

I guess what I am trying to say (in a round-a-bout way) is that I really appreciate you sharing your experience, as it enables others to be better friends, family, co-workers, human beings.....

[Bron]

Hi Shelbyville

That was actually part of my intention - to help others know what helps and what doesn't.

Seriously, just caring about someone is enough. I found that if people were trying, I generally wasn't upset by them - they were trying because they cared. It was the people who ignored me, or who thought that I should be over it in a short period of time that were unhelpful.

[lukaelmo]

About 6 or 7 years ago, I went through a really difficult time in my life. I had everything bottled up inside, when I dragged a good friend of mine out, just telling her I needed to talk.

She listened to everything I had to get off my chest, really listened; didn't judge and didn't offer any solutions. She never said she knew how I felt because blah blah blah had happened to her, she just listened.

So now I try to say that I am sorry, and just listen. If the other person wants advice, they will ask for it. If they don't ask, I just try to be there for them.

But of course I am sure I say the wrong things a lot of the time. It is very hard to put yourself in another's shoes.

[Tam-I-Am]

Ali that's such good advice for people, cause that's usually all anybody really wants - a caring, understanding, non-judgmental listener who isn't trying to find solutions or consolations.

I was 16 when i had a miscarriage. It was an unplanned pregnancy, not many people knew (or - know) about it. The worst thing that I found was that the people who did know kept telling me that it was for the best because now my life wouldn't be so complicated. All I could think is "that's my baby you're talking about". It was bad enough miscarrying in the first place without peoples' callous attitutes. Of course, I can look back now and think, yes, I guess it was for the best. But a mum's heart never forgets. And I still hurt.

It would have been so nice to have somebody who would have listened, and cared, to all my feelings surrounding my m/c - not just judged me and the situation based on my age.

[pegasus]

Thanks for the thread Bron:thumbsup:

I had many problems with trying to work out how to talk to my sister (who is the person I'm closest to in this world) who had 5 m/c between her DD and DS.

I was pregnant with my son when she lost 2 of her bubba's and I felt that I couldn't share what I was going through as well. It made it awkward and all I could say was I'm here if you want to talk.

She's since said to me that the biggest thing that she couldn't handle was when people said to her - when are you having your next one? You can't leave it too late - you're not getting any younger...(she was 35 when she had her son - now 6months).

I'm sure I said the wrong thing at times, and that's where a thread like this is really helpful.

[Fairyfloss]

I had my first M/C just a couple of months after I got married, with that one it was not too hard, as Iwas not even aware I was pregnant, but did it hurt, like hell it did I still think what my baby would be up to if it had suvived, (would have been in first grade this year). My second M/C was mid last year, I found out I was pg on my Dh's B'day and 2 days before our planned telling family day I misscarried. I did not tell any of my family members, but my friends at Uni were great, they offered they support and and a listening ear with out trying to "fix" anything. it made it so much eaiser to grieve. I hope I never have to go through taht again:fingerscrossed:

[bronny-jane]

i was 19 when i had my first mc, i didnt let out any emotion, until about 10 days later i got really drunk and went mental, i actually was arrested, all this was caused by the comment of 1 person, she said, "get over it, i've had an abortion its the same thing":eek: , to which i said, no you had a choice i didnt, and then things got quite nasty. i had no one to talk to, to understand what was going on.

i think its hard for people to talk about it because they dont want to upset you:)

[flib]

It's been really interesting reading everyone's posts. Thanks.

One of my friends was knitting a cardigan that she said she'd give to my baby when it was born. When I had my miscarriage she then started talking about giving it to another friend who she hadn't got around to giving a present to when her daughter was born. I found this very upsetting.

I'm now fortunate enough to be pregnant with my third baby. My SIL has recently had 2 miscarriages and I had to tell her about my 'latest' pregnancy. She said congratulations but we both had tears in our eyes. I hope she gets pregnant soon and I'm trying to not talk to her too much about my pregnancy.

I must say it's hard being on both sides. I may have said the wrong thing to my SIL. All we can do is try our best and listen.

Best wishes

Flib

[kyliev]

:wave: HI everyone
Firstly just want to say that this website is the best thing since sliced bread when it comes to people knowing what to say!!
Having recently m/c (2 weeks ago today) I have been going through the process of dealing with people who do or dont know what to say. Work was hard for me- fortunately I work in health care and have some very supportive friends who are social workers- one of whom has had 3 m/c's herself, however everyone's experience is different. I have virtually been ignored by a whole group of people I work with- no eye contact etc- which I cant understand. I wish they would just say hello to me. Some have said hello, but not acknowledged what I have just been through which I also find frustrating- again all I want is a simple sorry to hear of your loss or sorry about what happened to you, I dont want them to fix the problem. Some of my closest friends have done nice things like taken my and my DH out for tea and movies, and we have been invited to another friends house for dinner tomorrow night- which are nice gestures that show they are thinking of us.
I think the hardest thing to deal with was my sister asking me on the day of my m/c if I would still be able to proof read her Uni assigments for her over the weekend- I was scheduled for surgery on the Sat. And then not calling me after my surgery or visiting me and then getting ****ty with me for telling my Mum to tell her that i didnt think I would be able to read her assignments. What I couldnt believe is that she thought she had the right to be annoyed with me- and yet she had not even asked if I was ok, or how my surgery went!!:mad: She still hasnt sid a spoken word to me, and stil seems p....*d off, but hang on a minute I'm the one who should be!! As you can probably tell I am:mad:
I know that I can TTC again and be PG again , but i dont need all the "experts" in the world telling me that- I dont think people realise how scary that thought is after an experience like this, as much as I want to be a Mum. Lets hope we can all keep saying the "right things" to each other
:hugs: to all
Kylie

[flower]

Bron, I found mothers day this year a bit tricky.
I went to lunch with two girls. One had 2 kiddies..the other m/c last year..she was pg with twins. She bought both myself and J a bunch of flowers each for our mothers day.
I felt awful saying HMD to J..and Ho-Hum......to the other.
It was a very awkward situation.

[Heartsdesire]

I found my husband didnt really know fully what to say he tried to comfort me saying that i was more important than the baby and even though every thing he tried to say came out wrong !

But others are funny about it i think after my first miscarriage i had told people i was , i was too excited about it to keep quiet.... and people would come up that didnt know and say wow your showing how long to go or if they knew they tried to avoid me or say you will be ok next time things will go better.

Then there were the ones that would say you must of lifted somthing to heavy or you know 5% of pregnancys end in miscarriage ect......

i personally think you gotta take it with a grain of salt it hurts regardless of what people say good or bad but there trying to be nice.

[lediva]

Having had three mc's and feeling the absolute heartbreak and distress that it brings it can be really hard at times.
With out first we thought it would never happen to us so we told family but not friends. Then when we lost bub it was difficult for me to even talk about it and hear the sympathy in their voices. I went as far as to ask DH to tell his family not to talk to me about it because I just couldn't cope with it! And I told my family too.
It made me more emotional. It's always been easier for me to deal with distress privately. With the next 3 preg we told no-one till we knew we had a sticker!
I dont want our mcs to be anyones conversation its such a personal and private thing.
I always remember my angel babies though and think of them every so often...

[vavavanny]

Oh how I hate being told "Oh, you're still young - you can get pregnant again!"
and - "at least you have a baby already - think of those that dont"...
"It just wasn't meant to be" and "it may of been diformed or something - do you really want a sick child?"

I guess people just don't know what to say! Saying nothing is better sometimes...

One of my friends made me chicken soup and came over to visit straight away- we just talked about random things, then had a bit of a cry. It helped.

[tired*mummy]

I also hate it when people say 'you're still young enough to get pregnant again'. I had two m/c before i got pregnant with my son, and nodony knew about them beside hubby and i. But with my son it was a lot different being stillborn and all. I remember after he was born my SIL said alot of different things to me, saying different things that could have happened to him. We dont know what exactly happened and i was so annoyed that she thought she knew everything at the time. And for quite a few months afterwards she would say things just to try to get me to break down, or say things about her own kids and then say oh spose you wouldnt know.... not very nice. Anyway now that i am having my 4th baby, she keeps talking about how risky this pregnancy is, not only because i have had problems in the past but also because its my fourth pregnancy, i dont know why that should make a difference. I dont know why some people have to make you feel worse than you already do, or try to make you feel worse. :banghead:
My grandmother said after my son was born that i should put a cork in it, so i couldnt get pregnant again.... :laughing:
Anyway, i did also have heaps of support from my hubby and other family members so i suppose they arent all bad. But it seems to be the bad comments that you never forget.
:wave:

[vavavanny]

I was told the other day that I "dont look like you have just misscarried - are you even sad? Gee, you didn't even gain weight - how far along were you? - I wish I had a figure like yours"...
I could have punched her.
But instead I told her that I was dying on the inside and would rather not talk about it.
:mad: