What should I do?

[Butterflymumma]

Hello,

I have an 18month daughter who goes to childcare two days a week and seems to really love it. I am studying a Bachelor of Education external and am at the moment only doing two subjects a semester.

I live with my mum and have done so since i was pregnant so my mum has been a great support to me all this time.

I love my mum, but for quite some time now i've really felt like i need to get out and live on my own and gain some independence. Mum is a great support but her patience for my daughters toddler antics is a lot lower than mine, and she's 54 and has raised 4 kids so i can understand she wants to live peacefully.

She sends me mixed messages all the time, often she makes remarks about how she can't have a nap during the day because DD is so loud or that she misses the quiet. But when i mention moving out she gets angry at me saying she moved into a big house for me (which is partly a guilt tactic and partly true) and says that she doesn't think i should leave yet.

I really want to have my own things and my own rules and living where we are now, which is very far out, i don't even get to have much of a social life.

A big part of me wants to go and do full time work and rent somehwere on the coast and try and study as well. (if i couldn't study thats okay, its not something im seriously passionate about anyway)

I don't know what i should do, my mum makes me feel guilty for thinking of putting my DD in childcare 5 days a week and i dont think i would afford renting on my own if i was to do part time.

Should i just get through the next few years up here, isolated and feeling a tense, or should i ship out and get into the real world even if it is going to mean less time with DD??

I am sorry this is so long, i just need to vent and i am lost as to what to do. My mind is saying different things. :confused:

one more thing- My sister lives with her DP and their baby in a suburbian home (close to eveything) they may have two rooms available very soon, everyone has put the idea out there that maybe DD and I could live there but no one has really given a definite yes or no. I think if i was to go there that would solve a few of my issues with being closer to everything, getting out of my mums hair and also rent would be affordable. But would it just be easier to get my own place??

[Bewitched]

I understand the whole guilt thing you're feeling :hugs: We lived with my parents before we came out here because we couldnt afford to rent on our own in Canberra so we took the plunge and moved, its worked for us but may not for you. My DS was also in childcare (still is i should say!) for two days a week and i am looking for work now but dont want full time. I think you really need some YOU time hun, perhaps you could go and stay with your sister as a 'trial run' and try working to see how you feel? If it works out you can always move onto your own place from there, but if not you can go back to your mums for a bit.

One thing i'd like to stress to you though is -pleeeease dont feel guilty when your mum makes you feel bad about thinking of putting DD in day care for five days a week. My Mum was the same, remember their generation was very different in the fact 'the mother always stayed home for the first few years to raise the kids before they trotted off to school' etc, singleparents and even many couples nowadays cant afford that luxury and no parent should have to feel bad about leaving them in care to work, its a necessity for heavens sake, i would even discuss those feelings with your Mum, hopefully she will understand. Perhaps she isnt even aware of your predicament/feelings. Sit down and have a nice long chat with her i say, including that you value your relationship with her and are just concerned that living with her for a really extended period of time hinders her lifestyle (daily naps etc) as well as yours.

[MummyGoingMad]

My advice would be to do the sums.... how much would u earn, how much would rent cost, groceries, childcare, utilities, nappies, extras... you might find that ud be struggling so much it wouldnt be worthwhile. Then will you be able to pay for a babysitter to be able to socialise? I think once you do the sums you'll realise that you'd really really struggle. The option with your sister may work.

Are there things you can do at home to gain independence in the meantime? Do you do housework and pay board and for your own groceries? Maybe save up and buy your Mum a holiday to thank her for everything shes done for you :idea: Oh and i wanted to add, I totally agree with the pp about having a long chat with your mum about how you and she feel!

[kas3]

This might not be feasible... but have have you guys considered moving into a duplex? That way you'd both have your own space, but be close enough to help each other out when needed. Just an idea...

[blackdog]

If you are going to try and work, study and parents all at the same time, then 22 is the time to do it, I suppose.(while you have the energy)

If it were me, I would stay with my Mum until I had finished my course. I would really concentrate on getting that degree. But that's me.

There are always issues with whoever you live with.

No one with an 18mth old has a social life.:rolleyes:

[Butterflymumma]

Thanks for all your advice everyone,

I do know that people with toddlers don't have much of a social life, but i mean, im too far out even for a mother' group or for my friends to come visit or vise versa. I love my DD so much and i can socialise with her there, i don't need to be out drinking and partying to do that.

I had a chat with mum, she told me if i leave she will have to leave too because she cant afford to stay here on her own, so i feel pretty guilty about that.

I suppose i have to eat more humble pie... again and stay.

Thanks everyone,

[EvangelinaOne]

It sounds like you a doing some great things for yourself and your DD at the moment. An education is like gold these days and you are working towards a dream. Your DD will benefit from this greatly in the long term. Even though living with your mum is a bit of a struggle it may be worth it long term.

You need to remember that your mother probably does have your best interests at heart she just has her moments like all of us. Can you still attend Uni if you live with your sister? Maybe this would be more ideal for you? Could you take on any extra subjects at Uni so you can complete your degree in less time? Can you sit down and talk to your mum about how you are feeling?

My mum looks after my DD every Monday and although it is her choice and she knows I can put DD into daycare without an issue she still does it every week but some times I get the impression that she doesn't want everything that goes with it. She is in her 60's so I can understand that.

I would encourage you to keep up your education - you will be so proud of yourself when you get to the other end you will be able to show your daughter that you stuck with it. She will be proud of you too.