Domestic voilence. Need a bit of help.

[~BEXTER~]

Ok long stary short my sister is in a domestic relationship and no matter how hard and much we try to help her and get her away from him she goes back and im at the stage where i dont know what to do and i dont know how much longer i can keep running to her everytime she needs me now i know it sounds harsh but there is only so much i can take.

i just want to know if anyone knows anything about this if anyone has any tips or websites or anything i want to help her but im all out of ides she has a room here but keeps going back to him

do i just let her go?
she has a 5 year old (not his) and a 3 month old (his)
i am really scared for her and her children but i just dont know what i can do

please help....
feel free to pm me aswell

[WorkingClassMum]

A women will never leave a DV situation until she is ready. There's not just violence going on, there's a whole range of other emotional and psychological stuff going on too.

Has he ever hurt the kids or threatened them?

I have only three things really to say - she wont and can't leave until she is ready

Let her know you'll always be there - but you need to understand that she can't just up and leave

Tell her - if he's hurt or threatened the kids that you'll get DHS/DOCs involved.

Lots of :hugs:

[sunnyflower]

Well she is an adult and it is HER choice to be in this relationship.

It is not the childrens choice,however,i would be ringing docs about the....

[trouble]

:hugs:I left my DH over this, and then he got help, and after a while, we worked it out, but he has to really believe he is problem, and want to change, and it was a lot of work on my part too.

But I honestly cant see how you can help anymore, unless they are going to step up and keep it up,

just tell your sister honestly, you love her, and are very worried, and will always help her, but you can not keep running everytime,

I hope it works out for you and your sister.

But she will have to realise at a point, he will never change, with out help, and even with help, he may not.

[~BEXTER~]

he hasn't hurt the kids, but i think he is when he is hurthing her

[WorkingClassMum]

Well she is an adult and it is HER choice to be in this relationship.



It's as hard to leave a DV situation as giving up some drugs. It's not that black and white.

I actually found it was easier to give up smoking than to leave either situation that I was in.

[sunnyflower]

I appreciate that but when you become a mother,your children come first.

If my sister was in a domestic violence situation,i would be on the phone to docs without blinking....

[~BEXTER~]

the kids aren't in danger if they were i would go and get them myself
i want to help my sister and putting her kids in a home would not be helping her or them

[sunnyflower]

:hugs:You sound like a nice sister...

[WorkingClassMum]

Is he emotionally and pyschlogically abusive?

[DB&O]

:iagree: with KayteO. Only your sister knows when she has reached her breaking point & will leave & not go back. As much as it hurts you to see her in this position she can't leave just because you want her to, lots of women in DV situations have there spirits broken before the abuser moves onto her body & that is harder to fix. Try to remain supportive, she'll need you when she makes the break for good :hugs:

Ciao,
Brooke.

[munchie]

It will eventually get to breaking point (hopefully) so she does eventually leave him.. i know thats what happened in my case anyway but also what helped me was my whole family parents, granparents, aunties, uncles, cousins, friends etc u name it..all interfered and and sat me down and told me how wrong it was which helped me quite alot i think.

Its true though she will not leave until she is ready to leave, but as i said above maybe you could gather everyone who cares about her and convince her otherwise? The more people the better??

[~BEXTER~]

my sister is kinda different she is easily led and i believe she would really be thinking it is her fault and she really cant see that its wrong. when it fist started happening 2 years ago she was only upset that we were upset and she didnt understand why we wer all worried. it really believe it is far worse then i think and he is brainwashing her so to speak so soon she will have nothing to do with her family.
he wouldnt even let her come see us for her birthday last week.
she has alot of support but most of us now are elling her if she goes back we wont be there for her and i know it may be the wrong way to go about it, but i am truley over it i have a daughter with special needs and i work 5 days a week, i can not just drop everything and keep running to her and im sick of sitting here stressing everynight she doesnt come home.

[~BEXTER~]

but since she is my sister i want to try and help her so i can tryley say i've tried everything.

[delirium]

You are really in a hard situation. Have you talked to her about your concerns for her safety? If you have, I would probably let her know you are always there for her, but let her sort it out. As others have said, she won't leave until she's ready, and sometimes well meaning family and friends try to force the woman to leave - that's why they go back, b/c they didn't want to leave in the first place. As crazy as it sounds that they didn't want to leave a man that assaults them, that is the mindset of a battered woman.

Have you challenged some of her thought processes? Like do you think this is normal? Do you think every man that s angry resorts to bashing their wife? How would you feel if your daughter had a partner that assaulted her? Would you want her to leave? These kind of questions to get her thinking I think will be more effective than just telling her to leave.

You are a good sis for caring about her so much! :)


If my sister was in a domestic violence situation,i would be on the phone to docs without blinking....

Well each to their own, but that's certainly not something I would do. She is already feeling worthless and bullied, losing her kids could tip her over. Granted, DV is very damaging for kids to see, but I believe there are other ways to address the situation than calling DoCS. Not criticising you, just wouldn't do that myself :)

[~BEXTER~]

we have tried the whole if nikiyah (her 5year old) grows up around it she will think its normal. if it gets bad she may shut down and stop talking.
and she agrees and tells us what we want to hear and she will leave for a day or a week but always goes back

last night she told me she went back so he wouldnt go crazy but she wont be back next weekend.

so i said that she is giving him fauls hope and no wonder he goes crazy when she leaves and the whole if u want to be there just tell us and we will leave u alone.

just getting sick of it all, but i know i need to try it different

[munchie]

my sister is kinda different she is easily led and i believe she would really be thinking it is her fault and she really cant see that its wrong. .


Regardless of how many times you warn someone or try to tell them something is messed up their initial reaction is to find a balance. Like why did this person do that and maybe I let them do it, maybe it is my fault....Unfortunately she might have to wait and see for herself.
If him hitting her hasnt convinced her yet then there isnt much you can do. He probably sweet talks her and tells her that you guys are all wrong and that you guys are trying to break them apart, she made him do it, if only she did this instead etc

This is a really tough situation. One thing I can definitely tell you is that dont give up on her. Dont get upset with her and turn your back because it will make it worse.
Continue talking to her and letting her know youre concerned and hopefully one day she will wake up and realize what is really going on.

Let her have a read of this, see if he fits into any of there catorgories, which im sure he would..
http://www.mental-health-matters.com/articles/article.php?artID=157

That can help them see it from another persons perspective as being a bystandard and not the one with all the emotional blindness

[HunterzMummy]

With DV there is something that runs much deeper then what your seeing. It is a very deep connection between the two a kinda co-dependence. It connects with some kind of deficit in her life, that she LITERALLY feels like she cannot leave without. Its like a cycle where it escalates to explosion (DV) and then he calms down, loves her, and above all fills those emotional needs that she so desperately desires, so she is continually hanging out for that IYKWIM.

KATEYO is very right in saying that she wont leave until she is ready. Because in her mind family will ALWAYS be there no matter what she does. But this guy has latched onto something so incredibly deep in her life that she actually feels like she cant go on without him. Now i dont expect for anyone who has NOT been in the position to understand that because its hard to imagine what it is like. But just know that the thought of leaving him is very real and crippling to her..

Now for the solution lol :D my suggestion would be she needs counselling, now dont go about it as if it is counselling for the DV because its not. It can before her feeling depressed or overwhelmed or just needing someone to talk to who she can completely trust. Because once these deficits are dealt with she will realize that no she doesn't need him to go on. And NO she does not deserve to be treated like that. Because unfortunately you and your family can talk till your blue and black in the face but majority of the time it wont work. Geeezz send her my ways and il walk her through it. I have a heart for these ones and i know O to well what it is like to be in there positions.

Great big :hugs: to your sister and your wonderful family. Stay strong hun and PM anytime:kiss:

[~BEXTER~]

thank you everyone for your advice, i now know there is so much more i need to do then threaten to leave her in it. by sounds of it she still has a long way to go so im just going to have to keep helping her
thank you again.

[WarriorMummy]

Maybe you could try telling her that u will be forced to take the kids if she doesnt do something

[~BEXTER~]

she knows i cant i work 5 days a week from 7:30am till 3 pm i couldnt get her daughter to school and i couldnt have a new born. as much as i would love to have then there is no way i could support us all if i had to go back to the pension.