angry at DHs contribution vent

[Issey]

Just wondering if anyone else can relate to this or if I am the only one putting up with this crappy situation. :mad:

My DH does not contribute financially to the upbringing of our bub unless I prise the money out of him. We are married and have separate accounts and pay half of the bills and food. I am still expected to do this even though I am on maternity leave and not earning a cent so I am using up my savings. The thing that really bothers me is that he has not bought bubs one thing at all and if I say can I please have $20 for stuff for bubs he complains and says what for!!!!. DH would rather be at the pub putting on sportsbets etc than giving me any money and it really is taking its toll on me. He does not put us first but his gambling and pub time. I have bought everything ie: toys, cot, clothes, change table, car seats for both cars and I feel like I am such a fool for doing it but on the other hand I don't want my bubs to go without because of his DD. I also HAVE to buy second hand things so I can get by, although I quite like fossicking at the markets it is not the point.

I feel like I am the only one providing financially, DH always says everything is yours, well I have bought everything all the household items and furniture so YES it is mine. :eek:

I guess I either accept it or leave but really don't want my bub to not have a father, I do love him but I hate the way I have to be the provider. It also means I have to go back to work when my money runs out otherwise the mortgage won't get paid and we will have no food. :crying: I am starting party plan just so I can get a bit of $$ and delay going back to work.

I guess it is no wonder I don't feel that close to him as I don't feel we are a team and he is always complaining he has no money and I know he is gambling it all. He is at the pub now and has been for about 6hours!!! I am just lost as to what to do. If I mention anything about it he goes mad :mad:

[sugar n spice]

Oh my, how do you put up with it. Sorry i have nothing much for advice but i dont think id want to be married to someone like that but i can understand how hard it is to leave especially when you have a child. All i can say is good luck and if isn't going to change unfortunately it leaves you with a choice, go back to work and stay with your dh or maybe a trial seperation ( in no way am i encouraging the latter but at the same time he needs to get his act together):hugs:

[Ange&Seth]

K, I don't know you, and all I know about your situation is what you've put in your post. So, having said that, my first impression is that you guys might be married on paper, but not in your hearts. I tend to think that I would rather my child have one happy single parent than 2 married/together parents who upset eachother, which bubs then picks up on.

I am not suggesting that you leave DH, only that you think of your happiness and the happiness of your beautiful little bub. Do you think you and DH can work through this? Do you mind if I ask how long you have been married and if he has always been this 'selfish' with his money? I only say 'selfish' for lack of better wording.

:hugs: to you though, and I really hope that you can sort it all out and be happy again.


P.S. I've just re-read this post and I think it could be taken the wrong way, I don't mean for it to be taken this way. I can't think of anyother way to word it and still get my point across, but I really mean it in the nicest way - does that make sense? Or am I just rambling now ? :ecomcity: :ecomcity: :ecomcity:

[Veritas]

I personally don't think that's fair at all...

I had a similar money issue with my ex when we were living together.....

I owned all the furniture etc as it was his first time out of home... fair enough, but when it came to us buying new stuff for the place it fell on me to get it....

We went halves straight down the line in bills, food, etc... which was fair, but at the same time, if I was to be as petty as he was he ate a lot more than I did!

When it came to going out to dinner, he wouldn't even treat me to dinner, it was halves or I paid....

With all this in mind he earn't more money than I did, had less debts and a massive tonne of savings/inheritence..... it wasn't like I expected or asked anything from him.... but it felt almost as if he was reluctant about sharing anything with me including sharing a life together (well I guess that's why he's now the ex!)....

I completely feel for you.... its not even the money issue all the time, although that can be stressful... its the feeling of distance and inadequacy that comes with it at times that really sucks....

I hope you guys can sort things out and he comes to his senses, because unfortunately it can be one of those things in a relationship that can drive a wedge between you...

I guess in some minute way, in money terms I am glad I am going to be doing this on my own.... as hard as it is going to be to manage, I am the only one who has a say and I only have myself to argue with over $$$!

Good luck!

[Kells]

This is weird - I was only having this sort of conversation with one of my friends this afternoon, who is in the same sort of situation..

First of all. Big :hugs: to you. It must be so hard to be not earning money and yet still forking it out for bubs.

Can I ask, without sounding rude or judgemental, cos I'm not trying to sound that way at all, and I'm not judging - but what is the reason behind keeping money 'separate' and going halves in everything? I'm assuming you did this before bubs came along but am wondering how the situation began?

I hope you can understand the question!

As for advice, maybe sit down with him and show him how expensive baby things are!! Does he realise how much you're spending at all?

I feel for you though - nothing can make a SAHM more angry than when DH is at the pub having a great time spending money!!! :mad: I've been there a few times and know what you're feeling in that regard!

[MissSparkle]

I feel for u. Although Im not in ur exact position I can kind of understand what u are going thru.

I think that is completely unfair of ur DH to still expect u to pay half of everything and buy bubs everything when u are a SAHM. What does he think will happen when they money runs out?

I son't think its fair him spending so much time and money at the pub when it is at the cost of the happiness of his family.

Have u spoken to him about this? Its a big issue and as bubs gets older its going to be more and more costly.

:hugs: to u and I hope it all works out!

[Foxy]

Hi Debster,

I hope you don't think this comment is rude, but perhaps you are lucky to have separate money if he has a gambling problem IFYWIM. It would be very scary for him to have control over your savings and perhaps lose them?

If you were separated, then he would have to pay maintenance for his child, so I don't quite understand why he thinks he doesn't have to contribute now. Perhaps you could say this to him?

I agree with the others that this is a very unfair situation, I hope you can sit down with him, explain how you are feeling, and hopefully get him to agree to contribute a certain amount of $ weekly for bubs.

Good luck! :)

[Issey]

We have been married 5 years and together 8 years and yes always had separate money. I kept it that way as I noticed no matter how much he earnt there was nothing left after pay day :mad: . He bets at the pub I think he has a gambling problem although denies it, if it isn't a gambling problem it is just plain being selfish.

I don't know what would happen if the money ran out, I guess I have always made sure I could look after myself. I have never had to rely on him.

I go and do the shopping and then ask him for half the money (I write it down), if I didn't ask for it he would 'pretend' he didn't need to give me anything. I hate asking for money I think he should just 'offer' it.

I guess I really need to know that this isn't normal in a relationship. I don't know how it works with other peoples finances. He is often critical of me too complaining that I don't try to please him. :thumbsdown:

I keep wishes for a magic wond to make everything ok but I guess it isn't going to happen.

[Issey]

It is also now 8pm and he hasn't rung me or come home for tea :mad:

I think I will go make myself something.

[melbryan]

Debster,
It makes me really sad to read your posts:crying: . All I can grasp from what you have written is that your partner is very selfish.
I agree with someone who said one happy parent is better than 2 unhappy parents.
I too have separate accounts and no we don't pool our money but I pay the mortgage and he pays the other bills. We feel this is fair. If one of us is hard up the other helps out. I feel we support each other every step of the way.
I too have purchased everything from toys to furniture etc and work full time so make enough money. But every bit of money I spend on our son is our money not mine or his.
Not once has my DH ever questioned me and never given me the money I have asked for. I always feel bad asking for money because I have physically not earnt it.
My DH puts $10 on footy tab a week but this is fine with me cause he doesn't waste his money and I have full acccess to all his bank accounts so I know what he has and what he hasn't got. I s'pose it's all about TRUST.
I think it is your decision on what you should do and I know that you know what you have to do for your child's sake. As your child grows they will start to feel your resentment towards your partner and be upset also, so do what is best for your child and yourself.Good luck I am thinking of you,:hugs:
Mel

[MissSparkle]

Debster I think a lot of couples have separate finances, however his selfishness is not normal.

DF and I have separate and joint finances. I only started working part time 3weeks ago so up until then I was getting a little bit of money from family assistance. Now I am earning a wage (small but hey better than nothing) we both contribute into the bills money (we never say we "split" the bills, we just both put towards them) and DF does the groceries and pays the mortgage and if I need something for DS and I don't have the money DF gives it to me. Hes constantly offering money if I need it as I earn alot less than him.

I really hope for ur sake ur DH doesn't have a gambling problem. I know that can cause such a strain on a family. How often is he at the pub? And I think thats horrible he hasn't called. :hugs: :hugs:

[Veritas]

Oh Deb... big hugs to you....

I don't know how common this is in modern relationships, but I can tell you it is probably not a component of a healthy, successful and loving relationship.... and isn't that the kind of environment we all want our kids to grow up in....

I think relationships should be about sharing your lives, your resources, your emotions and your time together....

I hate to say it honey, but if his priorities haven't shifted from a "me" mentality to an "us" mentality in 8 years then it probably never will.....

You deserve to be respected, supported, loved and appreciated in your role as SAHM, and he needs to realise his role as a father too....

I wish, for your sake, you could find that magic wand, but unfortunately either things get worse before they get better, or someone decides they've had enough!

Wish I had the magical answer for you, but just remember all hard tasks are usually worth the reward at the end!

[RaryGirl]

Hey Deb

Over 8 years ago I was also in your situation - my husband (now ex) didn't contribute and blew all his money and then stole my money to gamble. I lost everything (home, car and all my savings).

When I realised that he was taking money from me (and our daughter), I thought I would cope better on my own. So I left. He didn't come after us and hasn't seen DD a day since we left when she was 3 months old. Which showed me his gambling was more important than his family.

I'm now married to a wonderful man and we have joint accounts - he earns considerably more than me and will come to me always let me know when he takes money out of our account. Which is a wonderful - because we both then know where we are always at.

Please don't take this that I'm suggesting you leave him as I'm not, but have you spoken to him about your fears and that as a family you both need to support your child financially? Maybe he thinks you've always covered it, so you'll continue to do so, maybe he doesn't realise how his behavour is affecting you. What about his family/friends - is there anyone you can talk to that will chat to him and make him release that he needs to help?

I wish I could help more. :hugs:

Good luck.

Nicole

[blayzesmum]

So sorry to hear what you are going through,
dont take this the wrong way...its meant as a joke.....but if you guys did seperate he would have to pay child support thats more than what he is paying you now. Maybe you could show him how much of his pay you would get if you seperated i dont know... scare him into giving you money.
Seriously though ive been in a similar situation, and it sounds like he is trying to control you with money, or lack of. Or just greedy, or maybe he does have a gambling problem. Someone i know had a gambling problem(bloody pokies) and it almost took control of her life. The pokies took her rent, her food for her children...her self worth.
i wish you the best of luck, i hope things get better.:fingerscrossed:

[diamonds22]

Oh Debster that is not fair!!!:hugs: god it must be sooo hard on you!!! I think a lot of people have separate accounts these days..but what you hubby is doing is selfish and its like he's deliberately just letting you deal with all the expanses so he can get away with doing his own thing...I personally think you guys need to have a serious chat..he's not steping up to being a responsible husband at all..and the amount of pressure on you is bull*hit!! ( i would nva tolerate him going to the pub all the time..What time do you get to have and forget about everything? none i bet!)

My hubby and I have separate accounts (mainly cos we couldn’t be bothered setting it all up proper) but we go half’s in everything..like he will pay one bill I will pay another...and we both buy things for bubs...to be honest he seems to pay for most things cos he says its hes job as the hubby to look after us. He wants our accounts joint and always says his money is my money (he earns stacks more then me..hes hassling me at the moment to get our accounts joint so i can be the 'accountant/SAHM cos he doesn’t want me working till the kiddies are at school..and then only if I want to)

I'm sorry debs, but imo your hubby needs a serious reality check..you shouldn’t be putting up with that cr*ap!!! It makes me mad just reading what your hubby is doing to you…I don’t know how you can put up with it..imo its really not normal..its almost like abuse..sorry if i'm over stepping the line.
:hugs:

[MonkeyMum05]

I guess I really need to know that this isn't normal in a relationship. I don't know how it works with other peoples finances. He is often critical of me too complaining that I don't try to please him. :thumbsdown:
.

No, as far as I'm concerend, that is not 'normal' in a relationship.

We have a joint account... DH's pay and our Family Tax Benefit goes into it... we both have a Keycard... Pay our bills each fortnight, put some into savings, do the groceries and whatever is left (not much!), we are both entitled to spend, but are both more likely to buy things for the other, or suggest that the other buy something... (or just buy more stuff for bub!)

While I was pregnant, I had zero income, so I wouldn't have survived in your situation... and at the moment, I believe I am working full time aswell (as a mummy and house manager :D )... and so have as much right to 'our' money as DH does... No that it has ever been an issue.

I really feel for you and the situation you are in, Debster. That is sad. Does he not realise that he is also responsible for bub?? (And as far as I'm concerned should be sharing with you, especially when you are at home looking after HIS child.)

I feel a bit rude saying anything at all, but I found this quite upsetting to read. I really dislike selfishness.
I really hope that things get better for you both. Maybe getting to the root of the possible gambling problem would help?

[Rhoxie]

Deb in your situation I'd be very angry as well. The situation you are in is not normal or indicative of a healthy loving (& contributing) marriage. I don't know what to advise as after 8 years (& at his age) he's not likely to mature out of his frame of mind and the gambling and pub going certainly shows that his priorities lie elsewhere.
Yes he should be contributing but I don't know what to suggest to get him do so. Unless when you need something for Bub you take him with you to get it and tell him that he is purchasing it (preferrably on his payday so he still has the money).

My DH & I have joint accounts and it's all just OUR money. This is esp important if one of you is the SAHP as this is when inequity can occur if the working partner withholds or only 'allocates' the money as they see fit. However, with your hubby's gambling and irresponsibility I do not advise that you have joint accounts as you could end up destitute. Maybe sit him down and say that you need a specfic amount contributed each week towards the raising of your child and point out that currently he isn't contributing at all.

Deb I hope things improve for you soon - best of luck finding a solution

[Issey]

Thanks everyone for your replies, they were all appreciated and probably what I need to hear.

I am stewing yet again, this time as I know DH has gone and taken money that was put away for rego and gambled it. He gave me the money and I put it in my drawer in a sealed envelope I just found out today when I looked that it had been opened and half taken, so he went through my stuff to find where I put it :mad:

I haven't said anything yet... I am deciding what to do.:confused:

[bec79]

Can I ask, without sounding rude or judgemental, cos I'm not trying to sound that way at all, and I'm not judging - but what is the reason behind keeping money 'separate' and going halves in everything? I'm assuming you did this before bubs came along but am wondering how the situation began?

I hope you can understand the question!




I too am wondering about this???
This topic was discussed in another thread a while ago...I just don't understand it? Why be together and share your life with someone, if you aren't going to share finances? I'm all for the idea that whats mine is yours and whats yours is mine. I just can't get my head around it???
I hope I haven't offended anyone by asking these questions (not my intention), but I can't understand how people can have successful, happy relationships with the pressures of finances hanging over them constantly. Perhaps someone could enlighten me??

Sorry to highjack this thread...

[EskimoMumma]

Thanks everyone for your replies, they were all appreciated and probably what I need to hear.

I am stewing yet again, this time as I know DH has gone and taken money that was put away for rego and gambled it. He gave me the money and I put it in my drawer in a sealed envelope I just found out today when I looked that it had been opened and half taken, so he went through my stuff to find where I put it :mad:

I haven't said anything yet... I am deciding what to do.:confused:


I dont know what to say apart from the fact he has a serious problem and you need to get you and your DD out of that situation, It is just how i feel. :hugs:

[MumsieMel]

You have some important decisions to make, but i think you already know this :hugs:

Please keep us informed and all the best.

Stay safe

[kymmy]

I definitely feel for you.
My husband was always reluctant
to buy anything for our first child.

He has accepted priorities are different now
though still complains
and says he would rather go out to eat
than buy clothes for our ever growing
family.

I used to help pay bills
then I would struggle to buy clothes for my girl
so I would ask for $20
he would give it begrudgingly

now i receive all the govt. payments
and i use it to pay for the kids things
my hubby pays all the bills
it works well for me cos i know how to shop
and save a lot more than i use to.
hubby now asks me for money
i put all my change away for when he does
I don't mind giving him money
as long I can bargain
eg.
'take me shopping"!:)

[justtwogirls22]

i know exactly how you feel - i too was in a relationship like that though DP paid the rent & some groceries but i had to pay all the other day to day things that pertained to me & DD - he does however never deny DD anything & is always buying her things - so i guess the situation is a little different though equally frustrating - needless to say since moving out in january DD & i are very happy & although hard things are also alot better - im on the coast too so if you want to catch up sometime or need someone to talk to you just let me know :)

[Sarie]

My heart goes out to you.
We have seperate accounts but I pay for all our food and hubby pays for every thing else. We've never really split our money half and half and if I ever need any money all I have to do is ask and he usually gives me his card.
Best of luck to you hon:hugs:

[kymmy]

How are you feeling?
i have been thinking about you.
i was in your shoes six years ago
though it wasn't so bad
there wasn't so much addiction involved
which is hard to deal with
i think it is abuse
financial abuse
at the very least...

[Bellarose]

Debster,
I just wanted to send a big hug to you. :hugs: This must be so hard to go through. To be honest reading your message just made my blood boil. Not at you, but at the way he is treating you. I havent been in the same situation so I cant say I know what you're going through. I did however grow up in a home where my parents werent well off and argued about money every day. That has definitly effected on how I now view money. Remember that this environment will effect you bub and how they grow up.

I just wanted to give you some support and let you know that there are options. Dont feel that you have no choices. Promise me that you will try to be strong in this hard time. Try to sit down and calmly talk to him about how you feel.

You and your bub deserve to be loved and looked after.

Take care of yourselves and stay positive. :yes:

[Issey]

Hi thank you everyone for you replies. I only just got back to this thread.

I confronted DH about the money he took out my drawer for him to only say it was HIS anyway. :mad:

I have decided to ask for $25 p/w for bubs. I did this last week and he still wanted to know what I bought with it. I am yet to reiterate that he IS giving me the money each week whether he thinks it is justified or not. I think it is a fair ask.

Yes money is the big problem 'gambling' and him lying about it. :banghead:

Once I go back to work childcare will be an issue $$$. At least I will be earning money so I am in a better position to see where it will all take me. I think this will be the big test :crying: I am a bit stressed about losing my job as I am being pressured to come back next month but I don't have any childcare and also only want to go back 3 days instead of five so I don't miss out on everything with my DS, I haven't talked to my boss yet but plan to once I know what childcare is available.

At the moment I just need support to get through this.

Thank you for listening.

[justtwogirls22]

deb - i can't believe that he questions giving you $25 - does he know how little $25 buys in relation to children? he doesn't seem to be very supportive or trusting of your motives with his huge $25! keep your chin up & i hope things work out for you & make YOU happy - im here if you need a chat :hugs:

[Briswegian]

I've been in a similar position except no kids involved at the time. My partner was a problem drinker and gambler and it just got worse and worse. He just couldn't stand to have money in his pocket. If there was a cent, he spent it. Anyway, I won't bore you with all the stories I have but the upshot is that I left him and he acted like the victim as per usual. A few years after he rang my mum's place as he didn't know where I was. He said that he had sorted himself out. I don't think he would have sorted it out if there were no consequences to his behaviour.

You have so much on your plate with a small baby and going back to work. I remember how heart wrenching that is.:hugs:

I guess I want to say, stick to your guns. Good on you for making demands. You deserve it....well actually you deserve better and so does your bub. Tell him what you need from him and stick to it. His asking where the money is going etc are strategies designed in my opinion to get you to lay off. Don't buy into it or argue with it cause he's not coming from a rational place.

Anyway, there's my opinion of what I would do.
Whatever you decide, good luck.