Married to his family?

[Sielah]

Hello, I'm new here so I'm not sure if I'm posting this is the right spot but I just need to vent and get some advice from all you great mums or dads out there.......
I'm married to a man who comes from a HUGE European family, they are very close even though there are so many of them. We are living with my parents-in-law, we own half of the house and we share the expenses to run it. We have 3 children all under 5 and my parents-in law does most of the household duties like cooking and cleaning, I don't work and I basically just look after my kids, clean our rooms and wash our clothes and help out occasionally with household duties. My problem is my husband's siblings come over every single weekend plus some days during the week with their kids most of whom are under 4 years old. It drives me crazy because their kids fight with my kids over toys and turns the house upside down (I know this is normal but it's still frustrates me), my husband's sisters also like to stick their noses in anything I do. I know for a fact that they talk about me behind my back (not in a good way). Sometimes I get really annoyed that they are always here I take my kids out shopping or go to friends houses just to get away from them. Sometimes I sleep over at my sister's house with the kids just to have a peace. I have told my husband numerous times about how I feel and he does tell them not to come around all the time then things change for a few weeks, like we would only see them on weekends, but there's tension when we see them, then it goes back to normal again where they will come on weekdays as well. It's not just a couple of hours visit, it's mostly lunch and dinner stays as well. Sometimes I feel like shouting at them "don't you all have things to do at home, why are you always here?" I know they come to visit their parents and for their kids to see their grandparents, I would also do the same if my parents lived closer to me but I wouldn't go nearly every day!
I've been feeling really down about this for the past couple of weeks and I don't see a way out of it. We can't move out because A: his parents will follow us, they are very old fashion in that they will only live with a son (being the eldest son, my husband has a duty) B: we can't afford to buy another house as only my husband works C: we can't sell our half of the house because my husband doesn't want to and he thinks it's good investment etc for later on( he has done so much to the house plus we are in a prestigious area).
I really don't know what to do, I sound like a spoilt brat, I know there are people worse off than us, but I'm so unhappy about it, sometimes it's all I think about, I try not to show it especially in front of my kids, I don't want them to see me unhappy but inside I'm really sad about it. My husband is very understanding about it and he has tried his best to talk to them but to no avail, I feel like I'm putting too much pressure on him about all this, I feel bad about that too.
I don't know what else to say except I'm sad, frustrated and confused. I want my privacy, I want to feel at home in my own house ( I don't want to feel like an outsider in my own home). I want to be able to invite my friends and family anytime I want not on a schedule or a timing so that no one else is here.
Sorry this is so long, I just wanted to vent and I can't do it with my friends and family because they think I have the perfect life!

[UmmInayah]

:hugs: Sorry you're going through a tough time.

I am living with my parents at the moment as well - so I can understand where you are coming from.

Personally, if you are worried about the children playing with your children's toys, why don't you set aside ones that your SIL's children can play with, and have the others packed away for when only your children are around? I do this with my nephews as I know they would destroy DD's toys.

I am sorry you are miserable, but I do truly believe like your topic says, when you marry someone, you marry the family. That's just me.

Why does your husband have to take to them for you? Why don't you try to talk to them. Coming from a mother, they might understand more. I don't think it is fair to tell them not to come over because as you said, their family is very close and I don't think you should intrude on that, but could you talk to them about the toys?

I hope you can all come to some sort of happy medium.

[SEA]

Hi Sielah,

I'm sorry to hear about your current situation I too live with my in-laws and have a large extended family, so I know exactly how you feel.I know some days are hard to take especially when I crave for peace and quite and other days I don't mind having people around because my girls have other kids to play with.
Look on the bright side at least your kids will always have play-mates around and will stimulate their minds. Plus grand parents are great for the kids, they learn so much from them.
You are lucky that your husband is on your side and that he is very understanding, why don't you two talk more about your situation and let him know exactly how you are feeling because it sounds like you don't want to burden or pressure him into doing something about your situation, even if he can't do anything at least you would have unloaded all your problems off your chest and you may feel a whole lot better afterwards.

I hope you come to a compromise soon because you need to be happy for the sake of your kids.

Good luck :)

[Sielah]

:hugs: Sorry you're going through a tough time.

Personally, if you are worried about the children playing with your children's toys, why don't you set aside ones that your SIL's children can play with, and have the others packed away for when only your children are around? I do this with my nephews as I know they would destroy DD's toys.

Why does your husband have to take to them for you? Why don't you try to talk to them. Coming from a mother, they might understand more. I don't think it is fair to tell them not to come over because as you said, their family is very close and I don't think you should intrude on that, but could you talk to them about the toys?
.

Thanks for the advice but the issue is not about the toys, it's about having a bit of privacy and space and me not being able to do what I want in my own home.


Hi Sielah,

I'm sorry to hear about your current situation I too live with my in-laws and have a large extended family, so I know exactly how you feel.I know some days are hard to take especially when I crave for peace and quite and other days I don't mind having people around because my girls have other kids to play with.
Look on the bright side at least your kids will always have play-mates around and will stimulate their minds. Plus grand parents are great for the kids, they learn so much from them.
You are lucky that your husband is on your side and that he is very understanding, why don't you two talk more about your situation and let him know exactly how you are feeling because it sounds like you don't want to burden or pressure him into doing something about your situation, even if he can't do anything at least you would have unloaded all your problems off your chest and you may feel a whole lot better afterwards.

I hope you come to a compromise soon because you need to be happy for the sake of your kids.

Good luck :)

Thanks Sea for the advice, I will do as you said, I'm going to talk to my husband about my feelings you are right I really need to tell him, these past few days have been miserable for me I don't want my kids to suffer because of my unhappiness.

[Kazamataz]

First of all :hugs: to you.

I'm not in your situation nor do I or my DH have big extended families.

However I really think that the only way your going to get privacy and space is to have your own home.

It sounds like this is not an option as your husband feels he has an obligation to his parents.

If I lived near my mum I would most likely see her every day, In close families I think this is actually quite normal and a beautiful thing.

Sounds like your BIL's and SIL's just want to spend time with their parents and with their family.

This is pretty rare these days and it's lovely to hear that you have so many people around you.

There are heaps of people out there with no one, they would kill to have what you've got.

Of course having said that tho we all need a little privacy and alone time.

If moving out on your own is completely out of the question then the only other suggestion I can think of is splitting your house in two or building/buying a new one.

My DH's grew up in his grandparents home.
They split the house in two, so that his grand mother had a totally self contained two bedroom unit at the front with own bathroom, living area, kitchen.

At the back my DH's family had two bedrooms a kitchen, living, dinning, own bathroom.

(Although depending on how much room you have, you may not want to have your children sharing a room. My DH's shared with his two brother until he was 16 his older brother was nearly 19 before he got his own room and they Hated it!)

This helped them to have space and privacy when they needed it.
And his aunties, uncles and cousins could still come and visit his grandma without disturbing them.

Maybe this is something you could do?
Its pretty drastic but it maybe the way to make everyone happy.

:hugs: and good luck with it.

[Sielah]

Hi Kara,
Thank you for the advice, at the beginning of our marriage we did consider splitting the house in two because it's big enough to do so but then changed our minds coz it would cost too much we'd rather spend the money on something else like holidays or weekends away with the kids.
Yes I know how lucky we are to have such close family around us and as Sea has said my kids have instant playmates.
I will have to talk with my husband and let you know of the outcome.
Thanks everyone for your advice, I'm taking them on board.

[kirstenriley]

:hugs: to you...is it possible to talk to the SIL's and ask them for ONE day they dont come over???? Or maybe suggest they take the granparents out for one day a week so you can get some privacy? Yes its nice to have family around, but all day every day??? I personally could not live with that either.

[Stretchmark Diva]

I think you are going to have to have a big family meeting about this.

From the sound of things, you are the only person who is unhappy with this arrangement. That doesn't mean that your feelings don't count - but it is probably the reason that nothing has changed. Did you agree to this arrangement before you married? Were you consulted on anything? Have your feelings changed since having children or have you always been so unhappy?

As I see it, your parents in law have every right to have as many visitors as they like, whenever they like. They own half the house too, and do much of the housework. You could ask that visitors be limited to x number of days per week, but that hasn't worked well in the past. And ultimately, you can't refuse to let your SILs in, as they are there to see MIL. So you are stuck there (and they all know it).

Is it possible for you to do a "house swap" with one of the SILs so that your family doesn't share the house with your PIL's? That way one of the SIL's family lives in the house with the ILs, and you get privacy.

I really think marriage counselling is in order for you - your DH is putting his parents into your marriage as equal partners. Which would be fine if you wanted to live like that, but you don't. I realise your DH wants to be a good son - but there has to be a way to do that without sacrificing you and your children.

Another suggestion - why not get a part time job? Do you trust your IL's to look after your kids for a few hours a week? It might help your financial situation, and help you feel less "trapped." It would probably be good for you to get out and mix with people other than your extended IL family for a few hours a week. I know I'd kill mine if I lived with them.
:hair:

[Kazamataz]

Hi Kara,
Thank you for the advice, at the beginning of our marriage we did consider splitting the house in two because it's big enough to do so but then changed our minds coz it would cost too much we'd rather spend the money on something else like holidays or weekends away with the kids.
Yes I know how lucky we are to have such close family around us and as Sea has said my kids have instant playmates.
I will have to talk with my husband and let you know of the outcome.
Thanks everyone for your advice, I'm taking them on board.

Fair enough it is a very drastic solution.

I really hope you find a way to get the privacy you need and not offend anyone :hugs:

[PrincessT]

I really feel so you sweety. I come from a european family and know others in your situation and it can be very difficult. Its not as simple as saying to the in-laws "please dont come over on certain days" as it can offend them deeply and knowing europeans as I do, they get offended at so much especially seen they sound pretty traditional in terms on respect from their children/siblings. Having a family meeting may just make you look like the bad person (which you certainally are not) in their eyes.

Is there enough room in the house that you can make a seperate lounge/play area that you use for your own use? Even if it is a small bedroom, you could have your own sofa and tv in there and have some degree of privacy when you have guests or your in-laws have guests.. perhaps this way you can also try and keep some of your own things in there without the nosy relatives prying into your situation.

Hope it works out for you xx

[Nickyps]

I think investing the money to seperate the house in two would be a good option, and would pretty much solve your problem. You'd get the privacy you desperately crave, while DH still has his parents close by and they can have as many visitors as they like.
Yeah, it might mean not going on holiday so often, but surely your sanity and happienss are worth the sacrifice.

[Sielah]

Many months have passed since I posted in here but I'm afraid back to square one. There was a time when it was good but didn't last. I'm feeling really low, it's been like this for a while now, I don't know what to do anymore, I don't know who to talk to, I don't see any of my friends anymore because they don't come to see me because everytime they come the house is always busy with the in-laws here, it kind of scares them away I guess i don't blame them.
I can't be bothered to do anything anymore, my health has suffrered, I'm comfort eating and I can't seem to stop, it's never gotten this bad before.
There's a lot of tension with my sister in laws at the moment because they know I'm unhappy when they come over every single day, I can see it by the way they talk and act in front of me. I know one of them is dying to say something to me but hasn't as yet.
When they do come, I can't be bothered conversing anymore I just take the kids upstairs or go out (we've been to so many shopping centeres, libraries, parks, etc) just to get away.
I feel worse when I think about the effect it will have on my kids, I don't want them to see me like this.
I'm just so depressed right now all sorts of things are going through my head, I can't sleep and it's affecting my behaviour towards my children, but I would NEVER ever hurt them or do anything stupid to them, not even to myself because I care and love them so much, they need a mother not a crazy emotional woman who tries to be a good mother.
Sorry this is so long and boring I just needed to talk to someone......

[2s'nuff]

:hugs::hugs::hugs: I think you need to have a serious talk with your DH. Obviously the IL's haven't got the idea that you need at least one day a week space. And you can't continue living like this. I don't know what I'd do if I didn't feel like I belonged or had my own space in my own house.
If you're not able to sort out space and time for yourself, then maybe you need to look into moving into a house of your own. Would buiding a granny flat on the property be a viable option?

:hugs:
Lisa

[FluffyBunny]

You need to do something about this NOW!
You cant go on doing what you are doing as ultimately your health is going to suffer and your children need you.

I dont think that you can ask your in laws to stay away as it is half of their parents house.

I see the only solution being is that you need to live seperately. I know this isn't an option for you but is there anyone else in the family willing to move in with the in laws??
I know you mentioned it is your husbands duty to his parents but what about your husbands duty to his wife and children?

It would drive me nuts living in the same house with my in laws.
We get on like a house on fire but after a while it would drive me bonkers having my SIL's around all the time.

I've been in a similar situation when SIL moved in with us for what we thought would be a short time, ended up being 3 1/2 years!
I was over not having any privacy by then especially since DH and I had gotten married during this time and hadn't even had a chance to live in our own house together by ourselves!

I hope everything goes well for you and things change sometime soon :)

[Lastcenturymum]

I've been feeling really down about this for the past couple of weeks and I don't see a way out of it. We can't move out because A: his parents will follow us, they are very old fashion in that they will only live with a son (being the eldest son, my husband has a duty) B: we can't afford to buy another house as only my husband works C: we can't sell our half of the house because my husband doesn't want to and he thinks it's good investment etc for later on( he has done so much to the house plus we are in a prestigious area).

I can't see a way out of it from what you describe here. Did you have any say in all of the above? Did you know that they would only live with their son when you got married and had kids?

If he won't sell, I sadly can't see much changing for you. Does he listen to how you feel? Does he see you getting so withdrawn and depressed?

I agree a husband has a responsibility to his wife and family, just sounds like the parents pull is much stronger and harder.

I'm really sorry for situation and hope you can talk to him and sort something out soon, for you sake and the childrens.:hugs:

[Stretchmark Diva]

I'm sorry to see you are feeling worse.

First things first - work on getting yourself well and strong. You sound like you have depression, and your first port of call should be your GP. Start getting yourself help.

Once that is squared away, start working on your marriage. Get relationship counselling. Get your husband to see how unhappy you are with your situation and get him to a point where he realises he has to put his wife first even if that means upsetting his parents. Either that or you will be in a position to realise he is incapable of doing that and you will be able to make a choice whether to stay or go. Either way, you will be able to make a healthy informed choice because everything will be out in the open and you and your husband will be communicating with each other.

Good luck.

[mum_I'm_hungry]

It doesn't sound like your situation is going to change in that moving isn't an option and the rellies aren't going to stop coming over, so maybe there is a way that you can change your set-up over the weekends. Have you thought about maybe getting a Saturday job so that you have some personal space? Or perhaps taking your family away for the weekend once per month, or even having a family Saturday or Sunday where just you, your husband and kids go out (beach, park, picnic etc.).

[mum2bubba]

Sorry if this sounds harsh, but your parents in-law need to let go of their son, he is a grown man. I would go insane if I had other people living here (on a short term basis its alright, but not perminently) I need my personal space, which is what you want too.

I don't really have any advice but I could only imagine what it'd be like living with the in-laws (it was bad enough living in a 3 bedroom unit with 5 other people before we had Hayley :dizzy:) luckily we have moved from there (they were messy hoarders who lived like pigs as well as having people over at all hours :rolleyes:).

Anyway, I am sorry you are going through this, I really hope things work out and you get some peace and quiet. And privacy.

[Milktini]

:hugs: to you hun! If you dont mind me asking what nationality are they?
We are A Hungarian Family, all very close all very traditional our whole family live within 5 minutes WALK lol and we are very family oriantated so I am guessing the same applies to your DH's family. I see my parents every days and usually my grandparents and Aunts every 2nd so I know how you must feel about the constant visits.
I think you need to seriously sit down and talk with DH as you arent happy and it seems to me that it is very obvious, you have said moving out isnt an option, but if it is bringing you down, then you may have to consider it. Have you tried talking to your SIL's as they seem like they are the people you mostly have the problem with? Why dont you try suggesting a Tradition Sunday Lunch? Have you asked them that you would prefer for them not to come over weekdays? Gosh you are in such a hard predicament. I dont think I have helped much, but just wanted to give you plenty of :hugs: and I hope the situation improves :fingerscrossed: