Delaying the heart break?

[Kazamataz]

I am 6 weeks pregnant and was telling my mum that I wasn't going to have the 12 week scan due to the fact that I'm not in a high risk category and even if they did say there was something wrong we wouldn't be terminating.

My mum was shocked and said but then if you do have a baby with a disability you would have only delayed the heart break.

So I wanted to ask those of you with special needs children were you heart broken when your child was born?

[Mathermy]

ooh I must have missed this one!

:flowerz:congratulations!:flowerz:

(sorry to go OT :o)

[Kazamataz]

ooh I must have missed this one!

:flowerz:congratulations!:flowerz:

(sorry to go OT :o)

:laughing: thanks mate

[naiwen]

Of course not, mind you I dont know if you only mean this question to be for parents of babies with downs but let me tell you, that overwhelming joy you have when you see your baby is no less because they have SN or are sick.

SN children may need more attention or time from you but they are worth every moment.

The first smile or feed or step means so much more when you have had to fight so hard for it.

Congratulations

[sam's mum]

my special needs child looks like every other child - I didn't find out until she was 7!

my special needs angel I had the scan and it definately helped me be prepared for when I lost her. I don't know if I necessarily gained anything by having two weeks worth of worry before we lost her, or whether it would have been better to have happily gone along being pregnant until she passed. that is actually a tough question - I don't know what would have been better. I do know that in my subsequent pregnancies I still had the basic tests because I would rather be prepared. At the NT scan for DD2 they told us that we were a little early, that things looked ok, but they weren't couldn't give the most accurate results. we opted not to redo the test because we wouldn't terminate anyway and the results they had already given us allayed our fears.

eta - oops, just realised I rambled on and on without actually answering the question.

when DD1 was diagnosed I wasn't heartbroken, but I did mourn for the relationship that we wouldn't have. I still mourn that a little I think. the experiences that she won't get to have and so on - but I wouldn't swap her for the world. I do know that if there was something that I could find out about before they were born, I would rather know and be prepared for it - but that is just the sort of person that I am.

[Kazamataz]

Of course not, mind you I dont know if you only mean this question to be for parents of babies with downs but let me tell you, that overwhelming joy you have when you see your baby is no less because they have SN or are sick.

SN children may need more attention or time from you but they are worth every moment.

The first smile or feed or step means so much more when you have had to fight so hard for it.

Congratulations

See thats what I said to my mum, I thought it was such an odd statement but now she is pushing me to have the 12 week scan.

And I'm all like but I still won't be terminating.

And thanks :D

[OJandMe]

I don't have a child with special needs, BUT.. I didn't have the tests for the same reasons as you. It wouldn't make a difference to me.

Not only that... but there are THOUSANDS of 'problems' the 12 week scan doesn't pick up...

If you're child's going to be a defiant little brat for one.. and make your life a living hell during their teenage years.

Or get heavily into drugs and end up OD'ing.

Or have autism

Or ADHD

Or ODD

Or just be a whinger and whiner from the word go.

I think I'll take my chances :D

[Kazamataz]

I don't have a child with special needs, BUT.. I didn't have the tests for the same reasons as you. It wouldn't make a difference to me.

Not only that... but there are THOUSANDS of 'problems' the 12 week scan doesn't pick up...

If you're child's going to be a defiant little brat for one.. and make your life a living hell during their teenage years.

Or get heavily into drugs and end up OD'ing.

Or have autism

Or ADHD

Or ODD

Or just be a whinger and whiner from the word go.

I think I'll take my chances :D

:yelclap: Exactly

[miloand4]

I dont have a special needs child but I cant see how having your precious baby could ever break your heart only make it swell with more love regardless of circumstances

[naiwen]

See thats what I said to my mum, I thought it was such an odd statement but now she is pushing me to have the 12 week scan.

And I'm all like but I still won't be terminating.

And thanks :D

I know it is a separate issue maybe but I should add I do think that the 20 week scan is important and problems may be picked up on that which can be treated at birth if known about.

But yep having a SN bub is a joy not a huge millstone around your neck. For me anyway!

[punkbaby]

I will share my bit :) i was thrown in the deep end with ds, he got his brain injury at 3 and a bit and well even though there was a lot of how the hell will i cope, you do, he needs more attention and some days are hard but as naiwan said each milestone or step is so precious and makes you get stronger well for me its made me stronger as i know his getting better :)

He will never be the same boy that i had and i really miss that but his still my little man.

We were also told at the 12 week scan he had downs and all through the pregnancy i stressed and i didnt enjoy it at all, there was no way i was going to have the other tests to confirm as i wouldnt terminate, i just figured if he was a downs baby then i would have dealt with it :) and i would have managed...i hope that i would have

Congrats

[Kazamataz]

I know it is a separate issue maybe but I should add I do think that the 20 week scan is important and problems may be picked up on that which can be treated at birth if known about.

But yep having a SN bub is a joy not a huge millstone around your neck. For me anyway!

We will be having the 20 week one
I just don't like having too many scans.

[becca022]

I'd have the scans, but thats just me.
At the 19 week scan with ds we found out he has Spina Bifida & I'll tell you now it was the worst day of my life. I was imaginging the worse with him. Having that 19 weeks from when we found out til he was born let us come to terms with whats wrong & also get as much info as we could. He is the most amamzing little boy & he brings so much joy to our lives, we wouldn't change him for anything.

[forbetoel]

I don't have a child with special needs, BUT.. I didn't have the tests for the same reasons as you. It wouldn't make a difference to me.

Not only that... but there are THOUSANDS of 'problems' the 12 week scan doesn't pick up...

If you're child's going to be a defiant little brat for one.. and make your life a living hell during their teenage years.

Or get heavily into drugs and end up OD'ing.

Or have autism

Or ADHD

Or ODD

Or just be a whinger and whiner from the word go.

I think I'll take my chances :D


Yep exactly :thumbsup:

[kiwibird27]

Sorry if I am too much to the point, I'm not good at sugar coating things!!!


Probably the question is "If I knew when I was 10 weeks pg for sure my child would be disabled like she is" would I terminate, "yes I would of" because I couldn't knowingly put my baby through multiple surgeries and pain for the majority of her life. That will be the same in future pregnancies. However if I was told my child would have something less complex and life threatening (sorry if I offend) like downs syndrome etc then I wouldn't of. If a child is just disabled then no problem, it's the comlex life threatening issues that are the problem.

As for your mothers comments, come see my happy gorgeous daughter, and my new positive outlook on life, and the amazing strength you find from raising a child with special needs...then I think those comments would not be made. You adapt and learn to love the little special things.

I might add, the NT scan is not accurate and often gives false hope or false stress to a pg mother. I wouldn't bother!!!

[kiwibird27]

I wanted to add, If I had had the 12 week scan they would not of found out my daughter had a disorder. So it would not of prepared me

[LivinOnAPrayer]

No scan showed my DD's health problems either.

She was born and that minute the problems started. She was a text book pregnancy, but has had multiple operations, tests, intervention...and i wouldnt change her for the world. I dont think any warning would have changed the way we've faced this, as you really dont know the full extent till bub is born anyway. Given the chance, if id known Alex would be a sn kid, no way would i have terminated, so it wouldnt matter anyway.

Good luck and congrats!!! :hugs::flowerz::smiliedance:

[Kazamataz]

Thanks ladies and thanks for those of you who were really frank.

Its given me some food for thought.

I'm still not going to have the 12 weeks scan, but was always planning on having the 20 week one.

I know I'm not at high risk of having a special needs child.
I would rather enjoy my pregnancy and if there is something wrong when my bubs is born, I will deal with it then.

Again thanks for your thoughts and your congrats :thumbsup: