My dirty little secret

[Jamaica]

I thought I would post in here as I hoped there may be other people who understand what Im going through.

DD is from my X, my pathetic X who sees her 2hrs a month (if he doesnt get to busy and cancel :() anyways DD calls DH Daddy. And sometimes I feel like its a dirty little secret that DD is not Dhs. When people do find out they tend to give me a look, a look that just shatters me. We dont advertise it but we dont lie about it either.

It just gets to me, I no I cant change who her father is, But does anyone know how I can deal with these feelings better? Does anyone else feel like this or is it just me :( ?

[punkbaby]

Your dd calls your dh dad as she sees him as a father figure, nothing that should be dirty about it :) his there for her and obviously is a better father than her bio one i dont see why you should feel bad about it :)

dd sees her dad once a year, she calls me dh her dad, well when she feels like it she does and as its open and common knoweldge that she does it seems to work ok with everyone

[YMo7]

i dont completely get what your dirty little secret is, but if it is that your DD calls DH "Daddy".... my DD (from XP) calls my DH "Daddy", too. my XP knows and is OK with this and my DD thinks its wonderful that she has 2 Daddies.....

[sam's mum]

DD1 calls my DH daddy too. I know what you mean though. sometimes people comment on the age gap, then I say they have different dads and people go - oh. But I think it is more that they are embarassed that they have said anything.

I wouldn't worry about it too much, there certainly isn't the stigma that there used to be about step families.

I feel sad for her that her bio Dad isn't better, but she knows how he is. She loves her step Dad and he does a lot for her and she knows that too.

[V8 Crewy]

I personally beleive its totally up to your kids who they see as there mums and Dads.

My son (From previous) calls my Partner mum as she looks after him better then what I do :D (now thats saying thing :laughing:)
But I'm very proud or the bond that my son and my partner have.

I have never beleived in all this "step" bull sh!t. My Older sister is in a simular postion and I call her my sister and she calls my dad "dad" but she still calls her other dad "dad" as well. My dad was actually the 1 who walked her down the isle at her wedding.

So to sum it all up...... Stuff what everyone else thinks, if your dd calls your dh dad then you should tell everyone she is his..... besides, its not lieing, its bending the truth as she already calls him dad.

[polony]

I don't understand why you think it is your dirty little secret?

Just because there is no blood relation, that is not to say they aren't family and that your DH isn't a daddy to DD. That's great!

It's the same as adoption. They aren't directly related through blood, but it's the actions that determine the dynamics of these relationships.

[YMo7]

hey - to me, if you are the one who picks her up when she falls and puts a bandaid on her knee, teaches her to ride a bike, tucks her in bed at night, looks after her when she is having a nightmare or just being there for her when she needs you, you are her dad - and biology is just that - a word.... its fantastic if both the dad's in your child's life are there for him/her and both are REAL dad's, but, to me, if you are the person who does all those things and more that i listed above - that makes you a daddy more than anything that biology tells us.

[YMo7]

just thinking that over - i should have said REAL mum/dad... it applies to us all...

[punkbaby]

I personally beleive its totally up to your kids who they see as there mums and Dads.

My son (From previous) calls my Partner mum as she looks after him better then what I do :D (now thats saying thing :laughing:)
But I'm very proud or the bond that my son and my partner have.

I have never beleived in all this "step" bull sh!t. My Older sister is in a simular postion and I call her my sister and she calls my dad "dad" but she still calls her other dad "dad" as well. My dad was actually the 1 who walked her down the isle at her wedding.

So to sum it all up...... Stuff what everyone else thinks, if your dd calls your dh dad then you should tell everyone she is his..... besides, its not lieing, its bending the truth as she already calls him dad.

:iagree:

My mum remarried when i was ten, i always called him dad, my bio dad well he was just called rob, thats all i knew him as i could think of better words to use but yeah, i dont see him as anything else

[the_original_duchess]

my kids dad walked out of their life over a year ago, and he stopped seeing them altogether about 8 months ago.
they call my dp dad. jhayden (my ds2) doesnt know anyone else to be dad but brad.
its no dirty little secret to me, but i dont go telling people that hayden isnt his son either.
my kids are lucky to have their "step-dad" and unfortunate to have a deadbeat bio dad.

[Jamaica]

Thanks everyone, you made me feel a lot better. I think it just hard as most people around me dont have the step-family situation and I guess they just dont get it.
Im glad im not alone, Im sure it will get easier as it goes and the more I get used to it. I was initially shocked when DD started calling DH Daddy as at that stage we hadnt been together all that long, but I guess she just felt more comfortable with it than I did.
I suppose its good that DD does call him Daddy I can only imagine how much harder it would be if we had some kids calling him Daddy and some by name, I guess I should look at it that way & ignore everyone else :D

[3princes]

Don't stress, its your family.. you don't need to advertise who belongs to who... its no-one elses business anyway.

My DS#1 has never known or had anything to do with his bio father we don't feel the need to correct ppl who assume DS's bio dad is DH. If they ask then i'm happy to tell but if not.... oh well

In fact my DS used to get really upset when the school called DH his step dad, as all the labels can be confusing. He does know that DH is not his biological father and if he's interested oneday i'll help him find his bio father.

But there is alot more to being a parent than just conception! DH has been around since DS was 3.

[alphafemale2901]

If your DD is voluntarily referring to you DH as 'Dad', then that is her perogative and neither you nor her should feel ashamed about it. Your DH is obviously doing what it takes to be the father figure in your daughter's life and that is what counts. Its not wrong and although I agree with a PP's post that advertising who belongs to who is uneccesary, hiding the truth is also uneccesary.

My Mum remarried when I was 7 and I instantly started calling my step-dad 'Dad'. I refer to my bio-father as 'Bill' or the sperm-donor. He really deserves nothing more than that because like you DD's bio-father, he did nothing in the way of providing for me or being available as a father figure.

[SixtiesChild]

The way I see it is that any man can father a child but not all of them can live up to the title of 'daddy'.
I think it's a good sign that she's calling him daddy as every little girl needs a daddy to call her own.(And especially if the biological one isn't playing his role)

Goodluck.

[MamaHearts5]

My twins dont call my DH daddy, (they are 7 & he came into there lives when they where 5) there dad my XP left me when I was preg, and latter passed away, he was never in there life (his choice) so my DH is the only father figure they know of & they love my DH and have always got a long with him. They dont call him step dad either he is just "J" to them.
It was up to them what they called him DH & I left that up to them. Watever they were comfy with I think that works best with any child in that situation.

I think its beautiful that your DD calls your dh daddy! :)

[twotrunks]

I totally get what you mean... we don't advertise the "step" with DD1 and DH either, but when people find out there is an almost imperceptible change in their attitude towards us. I know who her "real" dad is (DH/step) and so does she, but others seem to judge you like you are a hussy without knowing the situation at all. We feel like such a "normal" family and I hate the judgement, but I guess some people can't help themselves! That being said, we still don't share the facts with many people outside our immediate circle.
TT

[SomewhereOverTheRainbow]

DS calls DH dad, we never did the 'step' thing. He came into our lives when DS was 2.5yrs old, and I do tell him about his bio dad sometimes just so he doesn;t grow up and 'discover' this on his own later on. But he refers to his bio dad by his first name, not dad. He only has one dad- the one who is raising him. We don't have contact with my ex (by his choice) as apparently I was too hard to deal with....pfft. :no: However I still know where his family are and can contact them whenever DS wants. But thats up to him when he is older. I believe he;s pretty happy with life at the moment, and he tells me that we are lucky that DH found us and I agree!!:):yes:

I sometimes talk about when I was a single mum and i've shocked a few people who assumed DH was the bio father of DS, as apparently he looks more like DH than me! I don't hide it, but I don't make a point of bringing it up either.

[ACT1]

It's interesting reading the responses of the kids here. I've raised my son alone as I wasn't fortunate enough to find a good man and repartner, but my parents divorced in the mid 70s and my mother remarried a few years later. My sister and I were older (I was 11, she was nearly 13) and we both called our father dad and our step father by his first name. That's just the way it was, perhaps because of all the years of calling our father dad, even though he was a jerk of the highest order - still is (his youngest kids from his 2nd marriage didn't even know my sister and I existed until I contacted them earlier this year!)

Anyway, for me my step father was my step father and not 'dad' and he was a great guy and I'm so grateful he became a part of our lives (he sadly passed away about 15 years ago - still miss him) and while I still refer to our father as dad, it's said with complete contempt for the person he is.

I've no idea what DS would have called a step father if he'd had one as his bio dad is a true deadbeat (only 3 payments of child support in 18 years and virtually no contact either - last time he saw him was 1997).