uncertain

[cjb/jbvd]

hi

i know someone who asked me to be their egg donor when my son was three months old. in a haze of baby bliss i readily agreed, thinking that it would be nice to spread the joy. i don't regret the decision, but am now faced with certain issues that i didn't think of then. the person in question has no intention of telling her potential offspring about me unless absolutely neccessary. i don't want to be a part of the raising of the child, after all it won't be mine, i don't even want regular contact or anything like that. but i do think the child has the right to know, the same as if they were adopted. i'd also like to meet the child, just once, to see the small part of me i will never know. i know this is unfair of me, but i will always wonder about him/her. she also claims to be very religious, has been trying unsuccessfully for years to have children (the fertility people can't give her a reason why not), and has had alot of failed ivf using her own eggs. i know this sounds slightly offensive, but maybe god didn't want her to have children. she is in her mid forties now, and i can't help but wonder if she might be getting too old to properly care for a child (i am only 25, and sometimes don't have enough energy to spare). she is also pressuring me to do it all right now, and it's getting me slightly annoyed. my son is only six months old, not even weaned, and she wants me to stop breastfeeding so that i can take the hormones etc and she can harvest before the end of the year. i don't think she understands the impact this is going to have on me or my son, and i think it's wrong that she doesn't want me to tell my son that he will have a genetic relative. i don't want to change my mind about doing this for her. i think that the gift of a child is a wonderful thing and if i can help her then i will. but i really need to talk to someone who has been through this. from both the donor and recipient perspective, a bit of input about what i'm feeling, and why, and how do i put this in perspective would be great. i'd also like to understand better what's going through the person who is asking's head. i know i'm being irrational, but this is a big deal.

thanks alot
cinova
:confused:

[MumsieMel]

Hi,

Sorry i havent been there but...

If your not ready then she will have to wait!

Do not just stop BF cause she wants you too NOW!

If you have hesitations maybe you should rethink it.

Hope you can sort it out, good luck :hugs:

[xkwzit]

You are not being irrational AT ALL. I'm sorry (and I'm sounding really judgmental), but she sounds like someone I wouldn't want to be raising any child and I think that here is a situation in which you should be very judgmental. I understand that she's under a great deal of stress, but she is bullying you.

So much of what she says is just so wrong::thumbsdown:
i know this is unfair of me, but i will always wonder about him/her.
This is NOT unfair of you AT ALL you are RIGHT to wonder and the donor child has a RIGHT to know you.

she wants me to stop breastfeeding so that i can take the hormones
No-one should force you into stopping BF before you want to. I'm speechless that she would suggest it :eek: .

she doesn't want me to tell my son that he will have a genetic relative
You son has EVERY right to know that he has a half sibling out there (and your parents / partner / any significant other).

I should tell you that I could never donate my own eggs, as *I* would consider them my children, so I'm simply not donor material. However, I would never discourage anyone who can give that gift. I think that you will find so many more deserving ppl that this self centered, nasty, ill informed individual when you are ready. Please don't feel that you "owe" this woman anything. There is SO MUCH to consider before you give your eggs away - it's so very important.

There's a tonne of great stuff on this site about egg donation and a lot of lovely ppl (donors and recipients) to talk to about all these issues, please investigate all your options.

Cheers

[xkwzit]

Just another thing I thought of. Have you finished your own family? Most clinics would suggest that you wait until you have completed your family as there is a slight risk that something may go wrong for you. I don't know what that something is, but you may be putting your future fertility on the line.

Cheers

[misskittyfantastico]

With so many (valid) questions and doubts in your mind, I would suggest telling the woman that you need more time - I realise that she may feel that she doesn't have a lot of time to give but this is a huge thing for you and something that you shouldn't feel pushed into doing. Also as the other ladies said, you should NEVER feel pushed into stopping BF.

[WeThree]

I would suggest to this woman that if she is keen to do it soon that she find someone else, as you are not ready at this point in time, also if you are having all these doubts then i would seriously consider EVER donating your eggs to her, hopefully suggesting that she look for someone else as you are not prepared to do it any time soon will mean you end up getting off the hook without any further explanation. Please do not do this unless you are 150% sure that it is the best thing for that unborn child and for you. :)

[provencein3]

Hi I have a lady who is happy to donate to me but she is still breastfeeding. 'She realises it may be a long time for me to wait so has suggested I try and find someone in the interim. However if I am unsuccessful she will be the light at the end of the tunnel so I'm not too distraught. I do however understand the rights of a woman who is potentially going to do something special for me when it comes to her own children so don't expect her to stop breastfeedign.

[ButterflyKisses]

hmmmm this is a hard one because you've obviously already discussed your willingness with this lady and she obviously now has very high expectations of you which are now coming to light for you and as a result is putting a lot of doubt in your mind about the whole offer.

unfortunately it appears that the cart has been put before the horse and you've basically offered without looking further into her thoughts, views, ideals, how she will view you after a successful pregnancy insofar as whether you will be revealed to her son/daughter etc.

I can see how this has come about because she's obviously someone that you know well enough to want to give her this offer of life and also as you stated you are still in your "baby bliss" phase.

I'd do as some of the other ladies suggested and continue with your BF as at the moment your baby's needs must come before this lady's desire to have a child (although she would not see it this way because she has got to that stage because of her unsuccessful IVF attempts and unfortunately her age that she's now somewhat desperate).

Also I would give it some more thought because I'm sure you would like to have more children and what happens if you go through fertility treatment for her and (God forbid) for some reason you are then unable to have anymore yourself (I think someone else also suggested this - don't mean to steal that idea but it is something very crutial that needs to be addressed by not only you but also your DH). I would definitely ensure you are finished with your own family before donating to someone else.

When I was growing up the girl who lived next door got pregnant and when she had the baby her parents made her adopt the baby out. Years later she met a really lovely guy and they married and planned on having a family and the unmentionable happened - she couldn't fall pregnant and they never had children. I could only imagine the heartache she must have felt especially knowing the guy she married would have loved that child that she adopted out as his own.

With a bit of luck you may fall pregnant again and that will force her to look for another donor.

GOOD LUCK with whatever you decide - I know you probably feel like you have been backed into a corner but your little family must come first.

:hugs: :hugs:

[babydreams]

Dear Cinova,

What a sweet person you are to even consider helping someone in this way. :)

I must say that as someone who is hoping to receive the gift of donated eggs one day, I am appalled by the way this "friend" is treating you! :eek: I totally agree with everything xkwzit and most of the others have said and urge you both to take a step back from it all and really think it through.

I do understand her deep longing for a child, but totally disagree with her attitude towards you. To take advantage of your vulnerability during "baby bliss" and to suggest that you discontinue breasfeeding your own child...these things are bad enough. But to take the precious gift of your eggs and then expect you, the child created and your children to live with deception and lies is really ringing my alarm bells! Particularly as this is not how you'd like it to be. It's seems to me that there is a fundamentak difference here...you are suited to a "known donation" situation and she is better suited to an anonymous arrangement.

I strongly believe in the rights of the child to known his/her genetic history and the identity of the donor. This doesn't mean you would have to play a large role in the child's life (that's up to you both to negotiate), but I don't think you should be used and then shoved aside like some dirty little secret. Both you and the child will have a special link and have a right to know about it, as do your children. Some states in Australia are keeping a register of donors, so that children created this way will have access to this information and I really think this is the way things are heading.

Having expressed my doubts about this person and her readiness to go into a donor situation, I will say one thing in her defense. My heart really goes out to anyone who desperately longs for a child and has experienced so many failures. It's a very personal thing, but I just can't accept the "God doesn't want me to have children" line. If God did anything, he gave me a lifelong desire to be a mother and has led me through a journey that has made me and my marriage stronger. I will be a better mother for having experienced this struggle and will appreciate every second of it. As for age, maybe at 43 I might tire a little more easily than a 25yo, but I know that my heart is bigger, I'm wiser, more patient, have more time and am now married to the most wonderful man in the world.

If you believe in "God helps those who help themselves", then that's what we're here to do. We're lucky enough to live in a country where such medical miracles are possible and have access to information and resources (and wonderful support groups like this and AED) that can help. After all the years of heartache and loss, I just can't lay down and say "OK, I give up". I've been a teacher all my life, have raised six children (over two long-term relationships) who belong to other people and now it's my turn! I simply know in my heart that part of the reason I'm on this planet is to be a Mum. If I have tried all avenues and it doesn't work, then I guess I'll have to accept it one day, but while there is a possibility with donor eggs, there is hope.

It is hurtful to those of us who struggle with infertility to hear the "God doesn't want you to have children" line. It suggests that we are somehow deficient or not worthy. We all know that there are plenty of people blessed with beautiful children who hurt or mistreat them, but somehow God didn't single them out to be infertile. No, it's random and it's unfair and not some form of punishment.

OK...of my soapbox now :rolleyes:

So, back to you and your "friend". I think you need to invite her around for a cuppa and have a really honest talk about it all. Discuss how you feel about all the issues. If she is not respectful of your feelings and thoughts, then don't donate. If you think you could work things out, perhaps go to some counselling together. I have a friend who wants to donate to me, but she is too old, another is currently pregnant and I know that she wants more children. I love them both dearly for wanting to help, but know that it's just not right for either of them. If she is really a friend, she will always be grateful to you for wanting to help, even if it turns out that you can't. You are not her only hope...it is very likely that she could find another donor, so don't feel bad about withdrawing your offer if it's not right for you and your family.

Take care of yourself and your precious little son.
Babydreams xx

[moonblossom]

The warning bells are going off in your head...LISTEN TO THEM :kiss:

[bronny-jane]

The warning bells are going off in your head...LISTEN TO THEM :kiss:

i agree, something seems off with her, you dont owe her anything, its better for you to let her know that your not ready to do this,and if she has a problem with that than she should look for another donor.

i think you shouldnt do it, i have a gut feeling about this, espeacially if she wants the child to not know about you or your children.

im 25 as well, and i would not be ready to donate at this age, if ever.

take a look around here at the people who are seeking donors, none of them seem like they would be pressuring you to do it, stop breastfeeding, just for their own needs.

take your time to think about this, its a very important decision to make, and one you will have to live with.:)

[cjb/jbvd]

thanks everybody :hugs:

i've decided to take your advice and ask her to wait. i'm still going to do this for her, but in my own time. i would never go back on my word about something so important, and i know she would be a mum who will love her child very much.
after reading so many postings on this site about finding a donor, and the joy you all feel about getting a chance to have a family, i could never refuse that opportunity to someone else. :kiss:

knowing there is a register that the child can go to and find out about themselves helps alot. i will tell my own family about the child, but of course ask them to respect my friends wishes about contact. that is her choice, and the child's choice when they are old enough. i will always wonder a little bit about him/her, but i know that they will be in a loving home and that is good enough. :fingerscrossed:

to set some minds at rest, i have finished my own family. although i am still young, my partner left me when our son was two months old. so i've decided to care for one child, and give him the best i can of all my attention, time, and resources rather than trying to cope with two. if, in the eventual possibility i meet someone worthy enough to be a part of our lives, chances are he would have children already. but thankyou for raising that question, as it hadn't occurred to me.

ok, so if anyone has some good advice about how to cope with the hormones and stuff i will have to take, that will be welcome.

thankyou all for caring so much :)

cinova

[defaipe]

The warning bells are going off in your head...LISTEN TO THEM :kiss:

yes exactly! couldn't of said it better myself!!

[defaipe]

to set some minds at rest, i have finished my own family. although i am still young, my partner left me when our son was two months old. so i've decided to care for one child, and give him the best i can of all my attention, time, and resources rather than trying to cope with two. if, in the eventual possibility i meet someone worthy enough to be a part of our lives, chances are he would have children already. but thankyou for raising that question, as it hadn't occurred to me.

ok, so if anyone has some good advice about how to cope with the hormones and stuff i will have to take, that will be welcome.

thankyou all for caring so much :)

cinova


heya, just dont rule out not having anymore. things sometimes just have a habit of happening :)
i think you're a very brave girl for even contemplating donating eggs.
i wouldn't be able to, thankfully i have been able to have my daughters with no problems, and i am truly sad that not all women can have that experience but i just couldn't give up a bub that was mine.. that was my kids half brother/sister.
at the end of the day its all personal choice, i know some people that say "there wouldn't be a bub if it werent for the mother that carries it" but yet i could be a surrogate no probs for someone as bub wouldn't really be mine, i would just be the oven. saying that i could easily adopt.. geez so many different ways of having kids!!!
anywayz sorry for the rant hehe. if only we lived in a perfect world.

[wa mum of 4]

Don't do it.
If she is pressuring you and you are having reservations then the answer you are looking for is NO.
I think if you are second guessing it then you shouldn't do it. It is a hugh undertaking if you are unsure and the time isn't right.
You dont want to regret your choice.
Also why should you stop b/f your little one, your children come first.
Sorry if it is a bit harsh.
Good luck I hope you make a decision that is right for you.
Sarah

[KCsunshine]

I have to agree with the others have written.
I know you have given your word but this is a very big decision that you are making and frankly, it seems to me that both of you are not quite on the same page yet. I think the idea of both of you getting some counselling would be a great idea. Do that, and then make your decision.
This is a huge and wonderful thing that you are doing but if you have any reservations you should really think long and hard.
Good luck with your decision
Kath:)

[jason lovett]

your perfect age most probably for someone looking but for someone to tell you to stop breast feeding for their own selfish needs is beyond me,this woman sounds really desparate to have her own baby undertsandably but this could also give you long term future problems and the chances are once she has the baby i dont think no mater how religious she is their will be no thankyou for the help but more chances she may say ""please dont contact us anymore bye""....maybe the best advice for you would be at an ivf clinic and also tell them what she is trying to do because im sure they will tell you in no way to donate until youve had time with your new born...not to mention mabe more children how many do you want to complete your family?
like myself ive completed my family and i'm happy and now i feel by being a sperm donor i can help others in a comfotable manor.......