Help! My partner has changed..

[EmmaKate]

Hi There

I think this is a great forum, and as a first time mum to be I need all of the help and advice I can get.

The reason I was compelled to join is that I am having trouble finding information to help me understand the change in attutude that my partner now has towards me.

Since I have become pregnant (am 18 weeks currently) he doesn't want to have sex with me, and says his feeling for me have changed now that he sees me as 'the mother of his child' its like he isn't attracted to me anymore.

I, on the other hand really need his physical closeness and the fact that he can't give it is really driving a wedge between us.

I have heard of guys getting tunred off their partners after the birth and seeing them differently (and usually cheating on them) but not before the birth!

Any suggestions, comments or first hand experience with this kind of awkward problem?

I am feeling really alone and my partners rejection is hitting me hard when I really need him to be there for me.

How can I keep my spirits up?

Thanks

Emma

[maydr]

hi EmmaKate. maybe he's just worried that he might hurt the baby when you do it. thats exactly my dh told me when i was weeks preggy like you. best is to talk it over with your ob with him so he would totally understand.

[EmmaKate]

Thank you for your reply..:)

Yeah he understands that (have pointed out specific sections in pregnancy book to him to show its ok)

He just says he sees me differently now, as in not in a sexual way anymore. He is extremely depressed which doesn't help matters.

I don't know what to do, I wasn't prepared for this kind of rejection, especially now when I need him most.

[diamonds22]

oh gosh, I don't know what to say, that must be really hard for you...i have never heard of it before. :hugs: I think just try and talk to him more, to find out the reasons behind the sudden change...maybe ask him if hes prepared to go to see someone about it so they can explain his feelings to him.

sorry not much help...but i'll give you a big kiss instead :kiss: I hope it gets better for you sweety!

[Kaileysmum]

Hi

I'm sorry that you are having trouble with your partner. So men get funny when their partners are pregnant. Anxiety over being a parent to be, scared about what having a baby is going to change everything, and also not all men find a pregnant woman sexy. It all could have something to do with his depression, as depression lowers your libido. Id say maybe you guys need get things out by getting some kind of counseling, and if he is depressed and not on anti-depressants maybe look into that too. Hope Ive been a little bit of help, I have a few close friends with depression so I know how hard it can be. Have a talk to him and see what he thinks would make things better........If you need to chat anytime feel free to PM me. :hugs:

[sharvs]

It sounds like it may be the depression that is causing the problem & not you or your pregnancy. Depression does all types of things to the body & effects everyone differently. My DF suffered from Depression last year & it was really difficult for me. We sought some help but everyone was focused on him & forgot about how tough it was for me, constantly getting the blame for things, thinking I was the cause. Luckily enough he was able to pull himself out of it - he saw a psych through his work which helped.

Sorry, i havent helped - just know you have ears here that will listen :hugs:

[EmmaKate]

Thank you for your kind words.

We are going to counselling together Wednesday so I am kind of preparing myself for the worst then!

Time will tell, we can only try..

[moonblossom]

I have heard this affects a lot of men, according to my friends. My ex, who still gives me a lot of emotional support is the same. He DOES see me as the mother of his child and not a sex object anymore (damn it LOL) But I honestly can say, emotional support is what I need most.

Don't think for one second that your partner is the only one who thinks this way, it is very common.

[misskittyfantastico]

Depression is a huge libido crusher. I wouldn't be suprised if he isn't using the whole "mother of my child thing" as a bit of an excuse, rather than facing the real issue. My advice is to just keep talking, the fact that you're both going to couselling is fantastic. I hope things improve for you both and remember this is NOT YOUR FAULT:hugs:

[serenitynow]

I agree with Moonblossom - it is far more common than you think.

Something else that may apply , is that whilst they say they think of you differently, it is actually themselves changing that they have the difficulty with - ie their perception of themselves changes - they are now a "father" - and that is what they are grappling to come to terms with.

To some it is easier to transfer this feeling onto their pregnant partner, then deal with their own role change.

This, of course is in the realm of knowing that your foot hurts because a car rolled over it. Might explain why, but doesn't ease your pain.

I really hope counselling helps.

Take care of yourself

[EmmaKate]

Thanks so much for all of your kind words a support, I am glad I'm not the only one who has gone through this.

I am going to enjoy being a member here with all of you lovely people to support me and I can find answers to lots of my stupid questions I am sure!!

[misskittyfantastico]

We're here anytime you need us:hugs:

[LittleBoysRock]

I just wanted to add that in my case it was the opposite. I wanted nothing to do with DH whilst I was pregnant. I didnt even want to be close to him, kiss him, hug him or anything.

It didnt last long after DS was born though. :)

[lukaelmo]

I second what a lot of others have said here... My DP was a bit chicken of touching me and somehow hurting the baby :laughing: . Much like my mother believes there is one button on the computer that if pressed, deletes everything and makes the whole thing blow up :rolleyes: .

[Tam-I-Am]

Hi EmmaKate,

Just wanted to lend my support:hugs:and add - as stupid as this sounds, please try not to take your partners' attitude personally (I know - I said, it sounds stupid - cause what could be more personal than him physcially rejecting you - BUT...)

Pregnancy and having a baby are such a difficult and lifechanging time (although its obviously exciting and beautiful too) that its really normal to experience a huge variety of emotions - both you and your partner, and more than likely your partner's emotions are in a turmoil at the moment and he doesn't even know where to begin how to explain them - or even what the explanation is - he just know that he feels down, and not wanting to have sex - and puts it down to you.

I think that the counselling is a fantastic idea, and congratulations on taking the really hard step of getting help :yelclap: Perhaps you could think of this time when he doesn't want to be sexually close to you as an opportunity to get more emotionally close - try to get lots of cuddles and chats in, and try to think of all the good things about your relationship and your partner - and tell him these things.

Good luck to you, and please remember that we are all here on bubhub when you need a vent.

Congratulations on your pregnancy and I hope that this wonderful time in your life becomes a little more wonderful!

Luv Tami
-xox-

[Tam-I-Am]

PS by the way - I have a fantastic pregnancy book called "What to Expect When You're Expecting" by Heidi Murkoff, Arlene Eisenbeg and Sandee Hathaway. It has a great section about expecting dads and their many and varied reactions to pregnancy - I would recommend that you buy this book (if you don't already have it!), and have a read, its a bit of an eye opener!

[EmmaKate]

Howdy Tami

Thank you for your detailed reply, What to Expect.. is the book I have and I have shown it to my partner and highlighted some of the 'Dad' sections for him. He was kind of relieved to know hei sn't the only one who goes through these emotional changes (men! always think it is happening only to them!).

Have my fingers crossed for the counselling today, will send an update.

Thanks Again

[Tam-I-Am]

Hey EmmaKate,

How are things going? Just wanted to say - we're still here. Hope your appointment went okay!

Luv Tami

[p4purple]

He may be feeling the presure of having to be the "provider" now. He probably sees himself differently now.

[SixtiesChild]

Hi EmmaKate,

It's a really positive step to get some counselling. It's a really good sign that He's willing to go.:thumbsup: