Different parenting styles to partner

[Kat]

Hi, this topic was raised in the other discussion and I've had a terrible evening (teething!!!!!) :eek: so thought I'd have a bit of a vent / send this conundrum out there and see what response I get.

Generally my DH & I agree on parenting, and we both realise that being parents is pushing us to be truer to ourselves, question our motives and beliefs etc, so for the most part we are either in sync or manage to come to agreement.

however we have VERY different styles when it comes to feeding our DD solids and I find it really disturbing - but he seems to think its trivial.

Basically our girl is up to feeding herself from the bowl. she has trouble dipping the spoon in and 'loading' it up but generally finds her mouth easily eough and pops food in. She's got a few different styles she likes, sometimes she doesn't like to let go of the spoon, sometimes she 'passes' it back to you to reload...and other times we have 2 spoons and she lets go of spoon #1 when you pop a 'full' spoon #2 in her other hand. I know this sounds like a lot of detail, its been a long day, I don't 'do' editing well when tired. And I think her many 'styles' and exploration of self feeding are relevant.

because when my DH feeds her, (he always feeds brekkie and sometimes more on weekends) EVERY single time he does the following: holds the bowl in the air and away from her so she can't touch it; will not let go of the spoon even when she reaches for it; doesn't chat to her while feeding, just opens his mouth like she doesn't know to do this herself...basically he is really controlling and to my way of thinking has her 'kept' in being a helpless baby when it comes to eating time.

I have told him how much this bothers me (initially it just bugged me coz she can do it herself with just a tiny bit of help, but now it bothers me heaps - I think he is teaching her so many negative things like
* to be helpless in order to be fed
* that to be fed by Mummy she can be herself, but with Daddy she has to be helpless!!!
* to my way of thinking this leads to "be helpless around men to get what you want / need"
* to be 'good' rather than intelligent or coordinated
just all the wrong messages IMHO

I just think it is teaching her all sorts of terribly misguided values - at the moment self-feeding is one of the only independently rewarding things she can do - so I guess some might say 'mountain out of molehill' but I beg to differ - I think for our bub that this is a mountain - certainly doing all sorts of good things including developing fine motor skills, self-awareness of her body etc etc

my husband's argument from which he will not budge is that *my* way is teaching her to be messy! (I tell him that she's a baby and of course she is messy) but he's got some weird repressed stuff going on about table manner or some nonsense!

Any suggestions for how to convince him that its not a good look to teach a little girl to act helpless to get what you need with the man around (he's got her 'trained' so she doesn't even reach for the spoon, so she just sits there opening her mouth!)

glad to have that vent. Helped let off some steam from the mad crying of the evening.

would love to hear other's experiences and/or constructive opinions

Kat

[Chickadee]

Kat,
I can understand your frustration, but maybe your hub is also thinking that if he gives up control he'll be left with a bigger mess to clean up? Presuming he cleans up the meals he feeds. You could try taking a "practice makes perfect" approach with your hub, that babies and kids learn best by trying and doing. (Or at least thats what I keep telling myself everytime I give my daughter a regular cup and watch her pour it down her front. sigh...)

I don't think what your hub is doing is teaching your daughter to act helpless. Not so young. But if the behaviour pattern between her and him extends to other activities and continues into the future then it's possible. Maybe take a wider look at how he is with her and see if there is some positive role modelling there too? I know my hub plays alot rougher with my daughter than I do and she learns alot of freedom & skills from him.

On the plus side, your daughter will catch up her fine motor skills even if your hub continues to control her feeding. Chloe is in family daycare & as the only "baby" (tho she's 18 mos, she's still the youngest of 4 kids) I'm sure she was being spoonfed there long after I gave up control here. And probably accepted it from her carer as being the routine, though she won't with me. But now she's a trooper at feeding herself. Maybe without daycare she'd have done it at 14 mos, but I'm not fussed too much.

Good luck!

[Rell]

Hi Kat
I have a friend who goes through the same problem with her hubby and their almost 3 yr old. Neither of them let her use a spoon untill she was almost 2 and now hubby still likes to feed her with a spoon so she doesn't make a mess. Their daughter now says to her mum "no you feed me" so in order to get her to eat she will often resort to feeding her. Maybe you could share this story with your hubby and the thought of feeding a 3 year old might just convince him to let her feed herself.
My son is 7mths old and he is already doing a lot of his own feeding. Practice makes perfect, it doesnt matter what age they are they will still make a mess untill they master the skill.
Good luck hopefully something will help your husband see things your way.

[veronica]

I know how you and your DH feels in some ways as I also don't like mess much! But I'm getting a lot better as,as you have pointed out, that is how they will learn. No one can do it perfectly to start with and the more she practices the better she'll get. Maybe he can use a messy mat under the high chair so there is less mess and if he can look at it as fun time with his daughter rather than a chore to be endured then he might talk to her more and help her learn the skill of self feeding. I think your other response about the 3 year old is a god one to share with him.

Good luck

[Chickadee]

I had another thought. This wouldn't resolve the issue of having different parenting styles, but perhaps some breakfasts could be non-spoon options that your daughter can do herself with minimal mess? Fingers of toast with cream cheese or vegemite, wedges of cheese, fruit are all options for starting the day. Your husband might be more inclined to let her have a go herself with those.

[Kat]

Hi guys,
thanks for the responses! I am certainly going to share the story of feeding the 3 year old with him - that is the sort of consequence he'd be inclined to listen to!

Also Martha I love your finger food idea - that is sneaky! but I reckon it'd be effective! though I'm wondering if he'll try to 'help' with guidign it as well! *chuckle*

we've had a restless night so the minor matter of how she is fed seems a bit inconsequential atm!

love Kat