stepdaughter problems

[milly D]

I am feeling so frustrated with DSD, she is being manipulative in our household and playing the two houses against eachother. She is veryc lose to her mum and thinks not much of me. She is trying to push me away so she can have time with her dad alone, which I am all for except its driving a wedge between my husband and I.
I am feeling so down about it, and my hubby is my best friend and for the first time i feel like i cant talk to him, and he is not there for me at all:(

[WorkingClassMum]

I don't know much about your family make up, but you have my sympathy.

It's hard to be a step-parent, but froma child's perpspective - it's even harder to be a step-child.

I can only answer you from a step-child's perspective having been a step-child.

The first thing is that DSD is a child and is the child in the relationship. She doesn't really have adult motives and also doesn't fully understand the results and consequences of her actions.

Secondly - all kids need one on one time with their parents. This is hard on the step-parent as they see it as an exclusion - which it is, but really it isn't. If mum and dad had stayed together, DSD would have had one-on-one time, but it would be so noticable.

Maybe DSD is blaming you for her parents staying apart. She probably/mayn't understand that you didn't spilt them up, but now that you're here, they will not get back together. All kids dream about mum and dad getting back together - even if they know in reality it isn't going to happen. I always dreamed my mum would come back.

Is the bio-mum being supportive of your DH having access? Is she resentful of your relationship? Maybe also DSD is refelcting her attitudes.

I'd let DSD have some quality time with her Dad, and work it up to you also having some one-on-one girly time and being her friend, and the planning some family time with the three of you.

Please don't feel excluded - kids always need some one-on-one time with their parents, and girls do need their dads.

:hugs::hugs::hugs:

[TeenyT]

:iagree: With KayteO. You have to remember that divorce is not something that the kids have a say in. They just get told "this is what is happening with Mmmy or Daddy"wherther they like or not - almost always, they dont like it at all. Unfortunately you as the new partner and the kids are the ones caught in the middle.

As Kayte said, the children just want things back the way they were before and see any parent's new partner as an obstacle to that happening. In any other different scenario you can bet they'd think you were absolutely lovely. Its hard but try not to take it personally and realise why the child is being difficult.

Best thing to do is continue to be nice even when she is at her most difficult. Let her spend quality time with her dad and let her know that you wont be trying to take her mum's place but you would like to be her friend instead (Kids dont understand the step-parent thing until they get a bit older). Also let her know that when she is being "mean" to you it makes you sad because you enjoy seeing her and having her over to visit her dad. She needs to know you welcome her there (as much as a monster she is being - dont tell her that of couse!). If she's made to feel special everytime she comes over, she's going to come around and like coming to see both you and her dad.

I'm not a step-parent but I am a step-child and I know that the step-parents dont have it easy. If its any consolation to you, I was a bit difficult with my stepmum to begin with but we get along famously now and have done for years. Its a hard road but hang in there, in time it will get easier if you put in some hard work now.

[milly D]

thanks for your responses guys. I know all that you are saying is right, I am just so sad today. It's really hard to be so positive with the kids. DSD is 9 and we don't have support from biomum at all. So you are right about reflecting opinions. We are about to go for a bike ride, I would rather stay home but it's probably best if I get involved. Sometimes you just want to curl up in a ball....:rain::(:(

[InSaneOne]

i can understand what you are going through. i am step-mum to 3. a boy 13, and 2 girls 15 & 16. we all get along great because i won't treat them like i am their mum - more like a big sister/babysitter. i have been with their father for 8 years now and we only recently got married. they also have a little sister and a baby brother (my children to their father). i find it helpful if you listen to the children and be up front with them. tell her that you love her father very much and you want to ask her if it is ok for you all to go out as a family. tell her how lucky she is to have 2 of things. tell her it means she can have double pressies on her birthday and at christmas if that helps. ask her if she needs anything for her room (with you guys)


one thing i have found that works for us is to say to the children that if they want something ask for it. even if it means you want to go out or have some alone time with their father (without me and the others around). just tell them that you aren't mind readers and they need to talk to you about any problems.

i hope that helps and you can have a better relationship with your step-daughter. remember things will change as she grows up and matures a little.

[alphafemale2901]

MillyD I really empathis with your situation. I'm a step-parent and have a cr@p (cr@p) time of it quite often.

I think it is really important that children spend time with their bio parents and that this be seperate to time you are involved with them. However, it does seem a bit yucky if the SD is somehow driving a wedge between you and yr DH. I also empathise with your DH having an unsupportive X-factor.

Even though I have experienced much angst through step-parenting and have learned many valuable life lessons, I'm absolutely no good at giving advice and often through the step-parenting theme I think I come across as a step-monster (right KateyO :p), but I would say this, if you never have a close relationship with your SD, then don't despair. Its not the end of the world and perhaps developing a degree of detatchment towards her might help you feel better. Of course be kind and fair etc, but remember she is not your child and has two parents who are quite capable of accomodating every need she will ever have, and if they're not capable, thats not your problem.

Do what feels right and natural for you.

:hugs: :hugs: :hugs:

[spoon]

Im sorry, but I disagree with most of the above posters.

You are part of her family now and as such you all must bond AS a family.

My parents did not split up, they are still married and the time I spent with them was always as a family. We did not do one on one time much.

If you are a step parent, it is up to you to hold your head high. Know your worth and dont let those negative oppresive emotions take hold because it will destroy you in the end and your family.

Unite as a family and work out your problems and STICK together with you husband. Show a UNITED front and dont ever show your weakness to people who cant be trusted or will judge you incorrectly.

I am a step mother and I am the best chance my step child has of learning and seeing what it is like to love her father. She needs me, but she just does not see it yet.

Best of luck,

xxx:hugs:

[HunterzMummy]

Im sorry, but I disagree with most of the above posters.

You are part of her family now and as such you all must bond AS a family.

My parents did not split up, they are still married and the time I spent with them was always as a family. We did not do one on one time much.

If you are a step parent, it is up to you to hold your head high. Know your worth and dont let those negative oppresive emotions take hold because it will destroy you in the end and your family.

Unite as a family and work out your problems and STICK together with you husband. Show a UNITED front and dont ever show your weakness to people who cant be trusted or will judge you incorrectly.

I am a step mother and I am the best chance my step child has of learning and seeing what it is like to love her father. She needs me, but she just does not see it yet.

Best of luck,

xxx:hugs:

:iagree: I find the most important thing is that you and your husband above all else are united and he is SUPPORTIVE of you. The manipulation begins when they sense division. Children are very perceptive and just like bio children in a 2 parent household can play one another off each other so can the step children.

My husband has done counselling for the OVER compensation he used with the step child and it has worked wonders. Just because they do not live with dad does not mean they get treated any different to the other children. My hubby does not take DS on 1 on 1 outings so why should the step child get to do so (even though 90% of the time he does lol only because of the issues i am personally working through though)

They are equal no greater no less and DH should treat them accordingly.. My counsellor told me something that put it in perspective for DH and me.. When we became 1 (got married) we were united and made a new family (leaving our mother and father and starting out and making a new headship) ... our children are an addition to that family.. So if DH actions are showing ANY of the children that they come before me in the sense of they can treat me how they want then thats opening up the wrong door. DH and i are a team we are one and we make the decisions together and so on.. The children are apart of our family but will never override the headship of the house. WE love them but they know there place and respect us and love us more for it IYKWIM