Stepdaughter dramas

[milly D]

HI all,
I have been awake half the night so am a bit emotional, but needed to vent. My dsd heard me and my husband making love last week, and is traumatised according to her mum. Dsd has announced she no longer wants to come to our house as I make her feel uncomfortable, guilty etc.. I have a stepson and 2 biochildren. I am feeling so frustrated. Hubby asked me to not be around him and the two stepkids yesterday, so he took them out to the beach and movies and had a lovely time. Then came home and let me know mum in law is coming for dinner.
So I was feeling very upset and left out but knew I had to get over it, I had a drink and thought right I can do this. The sd won't look at me at all, his ex has written a letter to say I am not to upet her and if I do she will come and get her, I sound like I am so wicked but honestly, I am not that nasty. I do have my moments where I get cranky but I tend to take it out on my biokids rather than my steps.
Hubby is mad at me for making it about me, but I feel so left out, I don't know what to do. Lying in bed he let me know "this isnt working" as in us. I mean, how is it not about me, I know she heard us so I feel bad about that, but it shouldnt be that big a deal. If dealt with without the drama it wouldnt be half as bad.
I hope I made sense, bit of a rant....
Advice would be great..:confused:

[kas3]

I don't have any advice I'm afraid - have never been a step-mum. But I just wanted to give you these :hugs: It sounds like you're in a really tough situation. It might not be all about you, but you're involved, and I don't think it's fair for your DH to expect that you won't be affected. I can see why you would be feeling so isolated. I reckon I'd be feeling the same. Next time he wants to leave you out of a family outing, could you go and spend some time with a girlfriend or something? I'm sorry you're going through this. Sounds like biomum is being a jerk too. Seriously, she should have downplayed it rather than making a big deal and writing a silly letter! Your sd would have gotten past it if it wasn't blown out of proportion. JMO. I hope everything gets better for you. I hope you have some real-life support you can escape to when things get hard.

[milly D]

:)Thanks Kas3, have had a tough day here today, but I am sure we will get there. It's nice to be able to express without feeling guilty here. Thanks again

[MandaMommy]

How old are your stepchildren? I thought about replying to your post but I feel the age of your stepchildren would vary the way I would handle the situation.

[Starlet]

Hmm..it sounds like hubby is pushing you away. Which it totally unfair seeing as HE was a part of the love making, so how is it you to blame? I don't think it should be a big deal, things like this happen all the time, regardless of whether it's your stepkids or your bio kids. You didn't intend on being caught by anyway!! I don't think the bio mum is helping the situation(though the bio mum of my DSD would probably have reacted like that or even worse).

[milly D]

DSD is 10, dss is 8. Would love your thoughts, have just put her to bed and closed her door completely, have bought a nightlight for her room. Now she is cranky because we closed her door and is all narky. I gave her kisses and cuddles and told her it was so she could sleep well and keeps the house nice and quiet. I was so positive with her.

[MummyGoingMad]

How old are your stepchildren? I thought about replying to your post but I feel the age of your stepchildren would vary the way I would handle the situation.

Me too, that's exactly what I thought.


But TBH i dont tthink that ur husband should be taking the stepkids out by themselves every time they visit... sometimes is ok but i think its important not to let the stepkids interfere with your family - they should become part of it, not the other way round.

[MummyGoingMad]

DSD is 10, dss is 8. Would love your thoughts, have just put her to bed and closed her door completely, have bought a nightlight for her room. Now she is cranky because we closed her door and is all narky. I gave her kisses and cuddles and told her it was so she could sleep well and keeps the house nice and quiet. I was so positive with her.

Oh ok you just replied while I was typing :) Is it possible your DSD is being manipulative because shes jealous or upset that she doesnt spend that much time with her Dad? Its possible shes taking this out on you and her mom is buying into it and even being manipulative herself.

Putting the love making incident aside (which I dont think is a big deal, imo they all need to just get over it and your DH should be supporting you) , do u have problems getting on with the stepkids? Maybe theres some outings u will ALL enjoy as a family?

[mykidzmylife]

I believe if hubby starts doing this it will only get worse.

With your step daughter hearing you and hubby,she would have thought it was gross,probably,as sex to 10 yr olds is.
Her mum on the other hand,can see that this is something she can use to get between hubby and you,and thats exactly what is happening.

Your hubby needs to help the kids see that you are here to stay,and he has enough love for everyone.

You guys are a family,and should ALL be going out like one.
Are your 2 bio kids his awell?

[MandaMommy]

As for the whole sex thing, it is not a big issue but since the BM has turned it into a huge issue I feel like you and your DH should be dealing with it. Personally in our house hold we close our bedroom door, so maybe you and DH could explain to DSD that this is time for you and DH to be together and that is what married people do, if they need you they should be knocking on the door, but as for what happens in your bedroom little miss DSD will just need to learn this is what happens when your are married. As for the BM, I really think your DH should be informing her that he is in a relationship with you and you guys have sex everynight and she will need to get over it, lol... (even if you don't)

As for the step children spending time alone with their father, yes I agree all children need one on one time with each of their parent, but personally in this household that one on one time happens at home. When it coming to going out... we do this as a family all together. Gee me and my DS even go to collect the children and to return them. They come to our house with us as a family and thats life, they live with it. I really feel it is not right for your DH to go out without you if this makes you feel left out. Occasionally I don't want to go and my DH will take the stepchildren but this is always my own choice and only happens if my DH doesn't mind either.

I know how hard it can be, feeling left out but if you are feeling this way so are your children and it is important to fix this issue. The stepchildren are children and they should be told too bad in your house everyone is welcome.

I'm pretty big on this issue because I have been in your situation and the more I was left out the more the step children excluded me and yes they thought they would get their parents back together. Now days they question me when I don't go out with them :)

[SydDi]

SHEESH! Why are they making it such a big deal? No wonder you're upset!

I mean, what kid hasn't been absolutely MORTIFIED when they hear their parents at it in their bedroom? It's just one of those facts of life. Making this the big deal that it isn't (by the mother and your DH) isn't helping your step daughter either.

God - I walked in on my parents on the lounge room floor when I was 21! Now THAT'S traumatising ;)

[delirium]

Oh ok you just replied while I was typing :) Is it possible your DSD is being manipulative because shes jealous or upset that she doesnt spend that much time with her Dad? Its possible shes taking this out on you and her mom is buying into it and even being manipulative herself.


:iagree: I know as a kid I heard my parents a couple of times as with when my mum was with my SF. It was a bit gross, but sex is part of life right? I wasn't scarred for life or anything. ;) I wonder if this is a bit of a manipulation by both your SD and your partners ex to cause fights and friction.

AS for your husband, where does he get off alientating you because his daughter heard you AND him making love? He was part of this embarassing moment, so why the nastiness?:confused: I don't feel it's right that you are left out, and if SD and the ex are trying to capitalise on the situation, they will keep doing it, now you have been left out. SD will get dad to herself and the ex can perpetuate the evil step mum notion.

You say you have two kids together? Where are they when his other children visit?

[Cordelia]

I don't think the the SD seeing you guys wasn't the problem - its the way the adults have handled it. Making sex seem dirty and evil. It's a natural part of life and should be treated as such. That's what's going to do the damage to your SD.

Your DH needs to be disciplining his kids!! you are part of the family!! taking them out without you!??! No way!!! You're a package deal and he needs to model that you should be treated with respect before they will!

[milly D]

hi all, things seem to clear up a little over the weekend. I did end up speaking to dsd about what she heard and sorted out that issue very simply. DH spoke to biomum today and let her know we have spoken to dsd about what she heard as being completey normal. He has apologised for pushing me away and leaving me out and we seem to be coming back down out of our little cloud of rubbish. Thanks to all for your thoughts and support, it truly was great!:goodvibes: