Should I hand her over?

[polony]

My DD's dad FINALLY wants to take some part in caring for her. I got an email this morning asking if he can watch Layla Sat nights until Sunday arvo.

On the outside, this seems like an awesome offer and I should be jumping at the chance, but my gut is telling me that there is something wrong about this.

He of course would not do it alone. He is relying on his step-mum for additional support (he lives at home still...).

So I asked him if he would be able to cope if she wasn't there for any reason. He jumps down my throat and accuses me of assuming the worst about him. I also want to know if it will be every Saturday night, even if something "fun" pops up that he wants to go to. No answer to that one.

I am also concerned about his temper. He gets really frustrated and impatient with Layla and he has even towered over her yelling "*****! B*TCH!" at her (I got away from that situation ASAP and he grovelled an apology a week later). He has also plonked her on the floor impatiently and stormed off because she was grizzly.

I worry that if I leave her with him that he will get all angry with her and no idea what would happen. Do I have a right to not feel right about this?

I also have a feeling that these Saturday nights will be he spends 5 mins with her, goes out all night with friends while the step-mum babysits, then spends all the next day on the couch nursing a hang-over and keeping a lazy eye on Layla while the step-mum does all the caring for her.

What would you do?

[charlach]

One simple answer to your question is "I would not do it". Sorry, but thats just me.

[the_queen]

I've been pretty much exactly in your position (except DH wasn't living with any parental figure - it was during our 18 month separation). If you are feeling worried for her welfare, physical or emotional, then don't ignore your instincts. Do you trust his step-mum? Do you trust that she would look out for Layla if he got too angry or overwhelmed?


:hugs: Tough decision for you to make, my advice is just follow your mothering instincts.

[cwsmum]

I don't think I would do it either, not if it didn't feel right.
Maybe you could talk to his step-mum and see how she feels about things. Maybe you could let him have her thru the day on a saturday and see how things go for a few mths first before letting her stay overnight...if he really wants to see her on sat & sundays then he will be happy to come pick her up in the mornings and drop her back to you at night.

[sopolicha]

I have been in the exact same predicament. I wouldn't do it. She is far to precious to you to risk any sort of harm coming to her. You will spend the whole time worrying about her

If he is serious about establishing a relationship with her there are supervised contact centres that he and Layla can attend together. Maybe he needs to address some of his anger issues, the older kids the get the more frustrating they are to deal with.

Listen to your gut.

[razzle]

Trust your gut feeling.

[catalicious]

I agree with everyone else on this thread I would not do it. No way, I would talk to his step mother first and I would also just make it a few hours of a day, maybe one day a week to start with......

Really trust your instincts.

[Jem]

i agree with cwsmum, let him have her during the day.. start off with a few hours, and once trust is built.. gradually let him have her for longer periods, until you feel 100 % comfortable with the over night stays :)

[Rhoxie]

How often does Layla see him now ? does she go to him willingly ? and does she recognise him when she sees him ?

If he only sees her rarely and there isn't really much recognition or a bond then I'd definately say no to the over night visits.

He needs to start slow and build up a trusting relationship with his daughter. His step mum should not be the main carer when he has her.
Yes Layla and her Father should have a relationship but it can't be forced and it shouldn't be jepardised by her dad biting off more than he can chew.

Perhaps start it off like this
For the next 4-8 weeks her Dad comes to your house after Laylas afternoon nap. He gives her afternoon tea/bottle, changes her nappy and takes her for a long walk in the pram to the park or around the neighbourhood. He comes back plays with her for a while then gives her her evening bath and dinner, puts her to bed and goes home. (While he is there you back off and leave him to it, don't butt in unless absolutely neccessary. It doesn't really matter if he does a few things wrong like forgetting to use a bib). Over the weeks gradually teach her Dad (ever so tactfully) the things she likes and doesn't like. If he asks for help provide it but back off when it's done.

Then if that goes well and Layla starts to get used to him then let him take her out to his house for the afternoon. Suggest he follows the same routine he did at yours except instead of putting her to bed he brings her home to your house. Follow that routine for a few months.

Then all going well. Suggest he picks her up at Lunch time so she can have lunch and her afternoon nap at his house - that will get her used to sleeping somewhere different.

From there you can probably go to overnight but that's only if YOU feel comfortable with it.

Easing into the visits slowly will mean he has time to 'grow up' a bit and control his temper/frustrations for the short time he has her. Let him know that the only child is his relationship with his daughter is Layla - he is the adult and at all times must control himself and act like one.

The slow start means that he will not suddenly loose his Saturday night party time so (in theory) by the time he has her for the night he will be less likely to try and leave her with Step mum and take off for the night. He's had to Earn Layla's trust and love and the first sleep over has taken months of work so he should treasure that.

Restating one of the above points - He NEEDS to earn Laylas love and trust before having her overnight. He needs to build a quality relationship with her slowly so she views him in a permenant way. She is not a possession that can be handed over on a whim she is a small child who needs to be treated with respect and consideration of her needs.

I hope it goes well for you Polony and I hope Laylas Dad is genuine and succeeds in building a lasting relationship with her. :)

hugs
Roxy

[polony]

Thanks for all the advice.

I think I might start off with days then see how it goes. I really want him to be in her life. I just don't feel right about the whole night thing yet.

I spose I could try to talking to the step-mum. She is lovely and I trust her completely. The thing is, she doesn't really speak english so it might prove a little hard!! Just quietly, I think she was made wife was to be a live-in house keeper. I DID NOT SAY THAT!

I just don't want her going there and the step-mum doing all the caring. That's not fair on her.

Oh, and DD's dad EXPECTS me to drop her off and pick her up. Apparently he would be doing ME a favour by looking after her!! :banghead:

[MammaMia]

I am also concerned about his temper. He gets really frustrated and impatient with Layla and he has even towered over her yelling "*****! B*TCH!" at her

Thought you might want to read back over that part a few times...

and then a few more times....

seems like an answer in itself really.;)

[Lunar]

2 words no and NO!

DD1 biological father once said to me after I got home from doing the groceries and he was looking after her ( she was around 3 weeks old) "When she cries like that I just feel like throwing her against the wall!"
He was NEVER again left alone with her, not even for me to have a shower.
2 weeks later I kicked him out and we were never to reconcile. He became abusive and neither Em or I needed or deserved that.
He had a choice between his mates and grog or us, he didn't choose us and I was happy with that.

I would be very wary if you do decide to let him have her.
Maybe you could have joint visits for a while to see how he is with her.
Maybe that will make up your mind.

[Bee and boys]

Well it is a little bit of a hard one because you do not want to stop her seeing her dad completely although if he mistreats her or you cannot trust him then sometimes it is better that she doesnt see him. I can not say I have been in your situation but if I felt that I couldnt trust anyone around my children I would not risk it bottom line!! They are my priority and concern no-one else. It seems that he does need to prove himself a bit more to you to earn that trust and f he cares about your daughter he will respect you and realise that you are doing your job as her mumma. I also believe that it is best to trust your gut instinct it doesnt lie. Hopefully he will be willing to comprimise with you somewhat and prove that he is ready to be a responsible, loving, caring nurturing father :fingerscrossed: for all of you :hugs:

[polony]

I don;t think I can "supervise" his time with Layla as he thinks I am a bully and that I think the worst of him all the time and he doesn't want to see him, and frankly, I really don't want to see him.

IMO he is an idiot and I wish he wasn't in the picture. But he is. So I have to deal with it.

I think I will start off with a few hours and after a few weeks I will see how it goes.

I am so stressed out about this! And it doesn't make it easy that he would not be willing to try things out my way (ie. doing some of the things you have suggested)and he is a pain in the a$$

[sopolicha]

Good Luck, it is a terrible hard road to go down.

I know exactly what you are saying. I am lucky(?) enough that I have an order saying that all contact needs to be supervised.

[mum2littleman]

if it was me i would say NO! but thats just me, maybe let him come over to you and stay the night at urs {on the couch} and let him get up to her and everyhting else that way u know if he can or cant look after her...

do what u think is best mummies never get in wrong when it comes to there own children...:hugs:


_____________
the mummy- louise 20
the buby- lucas almost 5 months

"sometimes all you need is a hand to hold and a heart to understand"

[polony]

OK. I am going to send this to him. I got some quotes from some of you!!
Is this too harsh??

An expansion on my thoughts...

I would feel more comfortable to start off with maybe a few hours during Sunday and once you have built up enough trust with Layla then MAYBE she can stay overnight. You need to build a quality relationship with her slowly so she views you in a permanent way. She is not a possession that can be handed over on a whim. She is a small child who needs to be treated with respect and consideration of her needs.

My main concern is your short fuse with her which I have seen happen more than once. I know you are not a violent person, but I don' want her exposed to any anger of any kind and will not tolerate it if it EVER happens.I want you to know that the only child in this relationship is Layla - you are the adult and at all times must control yourself and act like one. I don't ever want you swearing at her or plopping her on the ground/couch angrily. I know how frustrating babies can be. I used to cry all the time when Layla was first born. But you have to bite your lip and deal with it.

I am being completely honest when I say I will remove her from any negative situation. I will not tolerate it. If that means no more visits without supervision (if it ever came to that) then so be it. I hope it would never come to that. Layla is my life and if anyone does anything to her that I am not happy with, then bad luck for them. Doo you understand?

[steph_alyssa]

absolutely perfect definately send that to him :yelclap: . it says EXACTLY how you feel in black and white. i'm actually quite nervous for you he sounds like he has a very controlling personality, but hopefully if you take that plan of action that you have spelled out to him then it will all go well. good luck :fingerscrossed: and please keep us updated as to whats going on!!

[*Chels*]

rhoxies got it spot on!!i think her idea is great
totally go with your gut instincts because they are usually right!!and your daughter deserves the best!!
good luck with it all:hugs:

[Mamaduke]

Love the letter...:yelclap: ...good girl!!!
Like everyone else has said (sorry, I'm coming in a bit late) go with your gut instinct.
You're such a good mum & you're doing a wonderful job...:hugs:

[iluvmeboyz]

i agree with everyone else go with your gut instinct do what is best for you and your child.

[polony]

An update on this....

Since sending that email, I never heard back from him. Nothing.

Yesterday it was Layla's birthday and all of a sudden he calls and demands to see his "little girl on her birthday".

I tell him that I had planned the whole day already and that the only time he would be able to see her would be in the evening at my mum's. He tells me that he doesn't feel like it.

I say that if he really wanted to see her, then he would make an effort. I tell him to stop thinking about himself and to put them aside for Layla. I suggest he just pop in quickly, so as not to take up his precious time. He complains that he won't get to spend quality time with her.

I tell him it's the evening or nothing as I am going to be out all day. I tell him that he should have arranged with me during the week but because I didn't hear from him, I went ahead and made my own plans for Layla.

We have an argument and he brings up the whole "Layla staying overnight" thing. I tell him that it should have been a face-to-face request and that I wasn't going to consider it lightly. He went off at me for "barraging" him with questions (all I asked was did he have a cot, where will she sleep, will he always be there, etc etc) He didn't like the questioning and then accused me of being a bad parent by leaving Layla with a babysitter and not him. So frustrating!! I told him that I was trying to compromise with him and that I needed to be able to trust him and he started saying that why do I trust a babysitter and not him (the babysitter was a close friend of mine who sees Layla more than he has in her life time). I told him that he is not in her life much so he doesn't have much say in the matter and he screams, "We'll let the courts decide that!"

So anyway, after this unpleasant conversation, I message him later to let him know that I have organised to be at home at a certain time so he can see her. Mum advised that I should do this and so I did, but not happy about it.

He comes over. No present. No Happy Birthday Layla. Nothing. He stands there with his hands on his hips and just looks at her. He asks me if she is walking yet and I tell him no. Then he leaves!

So after him kicking up a stink that he wanted to spend quality time with his "little girl" he stays for a total of 2 minutes (I am totally serious!)

I was furious and so sad for Layla that I wanted to cry. But she doesn't even know who he is. She doesn't even recognise him. He is just another person to come over. Maybe it is better that she thinks that. Less hurt for her.

I am so upset. I can't believe the immaturity and senselessness of this person.

And that fact that I have bent over backwards for this person to accommodate for his selfish ways. And he turns around and calls me a bully and a b*tch and a c*nt. I mean, honestly! I have done nothing to deserve this!!

Sorry it's a long rant. I am just so angry and hurt and all else!!!!!:mad:

[MumsieMel]

OMG what an ****!!!! :banghead:

Is it possible if he keeps hasseling you that you can go to the courts for full custody?

He doesnt deserve to have anything to do with your gorgeous Daughter!! :mad:

[Mum&bubs]

id trust your instinct :)

Yep I agree!! But if you still want your DD's dad to have something to do with her still; why dont you just start them off slow & maybe if you trust him enough let him take her just for the day??! Im not sure sorry but I bet you will figure out whats best!

[Giselle]

I don't know what I would do in your situation love but I can understand your concerns and I know from experience that 'mummy instincts' are usually right...usually...lol

Maybe you could go to the park with ur ex and dd and just observe them from a distance, if he really wants to be closer to his dd maybe he'd be ok with that ?

I'm in the separation process and I guess that is something I would try if I am ever faced with a similar situation...

I'm sure you will do what you think is right anyway....after all what else can we mummies do ?

:hugs:

[Funkychicken]

He asked you in an email?????? I think a phone call or a personal visit to discuss this may have been a bit more caring.

[Giselle]

hello :wave:

forget my last post...if he's carrying on like that, then maybe he is a bit too unstable to have her at all, so you joining them at the park would probably just give him a chance to give you a hard time...see ? mummy instinct... lol

I'll just go retrieve my brain now.....

:hugs:

[LittleBoysRock]

At the end of the day it is Layla's well being (both physical and emotional) that is your main priority.

If he pays child support he has rights with his DD but if he doesnt I would be telling him where to go straight off.

But I am with the other ladies on this one, trust your instincts.

[defaipe]

no no no no no sorry but reading your post i think you kinda answered your own questions, tell him he can visit your daughter if he wants to come over and have a play or you will go to his place, but dont leave her with him. thats just crazy.
worst case senario and he goes to the courts as far as i know at that age he would get her for an hour or two a couple of times a week.
and due to him being violent you can have a supervised visit where he is watched with her.
please dont put your baby in that situation

[onabreak]

If I was you I would set out to get a court order this way the courts will decide what is appropriate for the child. But it sounds like you are trying your hardest to avoid this but honestly it sounds like he doesn't really give a hoot about her. My DH has a court order with his ex, he sees his son every Sunday from 9 - 5 and every third weekend of the month he stays overnight with us. We do want to see him more but his ex won't let us so we will have to go through the courts to have this granted.

Good luck and I hope you can find a resolution. Have a look through you local phone book and see if there is someone you can call for advice on what steps to take.