Conflicting past

[dangerman]

I'm finding myself very conflicted that I think about "a fathers love" whereas my fathers "love" was either beatings or monetary gifts & benefits. I never had a "friendship" with him. Now my first is on the way and, like, I cringe when I think about my father & cringe even more when I think about how much I already love this baby and how I would do anything for him/her. I'm scared that I might turn out like my dad. And because I still harbour resentments against my dad I feel as though I resent myself also because I too will become a father very soon. I feel the solution is to not think about this child but that wont last long. I want to be the best dad ever and love the child and show my love etc etc you know, be a good dad. But then I just hate myself just like I hate my fathers pathetic attempts from time to time (more so since he got older) when I hate his guts for beating the living daylight out of me all the time. I felt like (and still often do) feel like nothing. Like I dont exist, I dont matter. To anyone. But I'm going to be someone who matters to this child, right? If I become a good dad, I have to be either perfect or nothing at all. Like, if I fail or make any mistakes, thats it. I might as well let go coz I've screwed up that kids life worse than mine is. I dunno. Wheres that god people keep praying to when you need him...

[Seekrit]

Hey....
I know this is dad's chat... but it's relevent to me. I've thought of starting a thread like this from time to time, especially today when my son was being overwhelming...

I feel a lot the same way over my upbringing and my parenting now... I hate talking about it or even mentioning the way I was treated... my mum's passed on now so she can't defend herself, maybe? maybe I hope she'd have apologised or something.. I did have lots of happy times in my childhood but a lot of the time there was anger and fury from my mum.. a lot... I constantly worry that I'll be the same.. I know I have a temper and I know I'm very emotional... sometimes I get sooooo SOOOOO angry at little things... and it's times like that that I remember stuff like being thrown through a room... kicked down a hallway... and I realise that I don't want to be my mum... you know?
I always have in the pack of my mind that fear that I felt, and in that I know that I won't let my child feel that...

I've also considered doing a PPP course or something... but I'm coping alright... I still worry and I still have to breathe deeply and count to ten... but I've realised I can't be perfect, but at least I'm not **** :p

:hugs:

ETA: eck.. i hated writing that... heh... I feel a bit exposed now.

[LilShenanigans]

I have to reply as well even though its dad chat... You may get a few replies from many people actually.

But personally it's becoming more evident that I haven't completely dealt with my upbringing and what my parents put me through or on a lesser degree continue to.
A good start is realising that, and the huge difference that you experienced compared to what you want to bring your child into. A lot of people who continue their parents traits tend to be those who didn't find their upbringing at all painful JMO

For me it's sort of more a practice at the time. I know I have a fairly bad temper like my dad, but I know when to walk away.. whereas we probably had the type of dads who didn't just go cool off.

Most of all have confidence in yourself that you will do your best, and your motivated to.

[Mamalicious]

I have to reply too. :o

My Dad..well not my real Dad, but my Mums husband and my primary carer for many many years...he was an absolute ******* and I too am petrified of something like *that* happening to my son.

I read a few years back that a very high percentage of abusers have been abused themselves and that scared the living daylights out of me! But it doesn't mean that a high percentage of the abused will be abusers. ;)

I guess what helps me is knowing that I can stop that cycle, it doesn't have to go any further. And I will stop it because..well because what they do is revolting and I have no desire to do it anyway! It stops here!

You already love your baby, that part I can see. We all make mistakes and there are hiccups along the way, but remember that you are not your father, we are not our parents and we have the power to stop the cycle.

[SixtiesChild]

Hi Dangerman,
Dh is someone who also missed out on affection from his dad, he was also disciplined severely as were all his siblings. The result is an inadequate relationship with their dad.
A few years ago, the young men in this family were at the same crossroad as you describe, expecting their firstborns AND afraid of repeating their dad’s mistake, but as I have been watching this family grow as an onlooker, I can honestly say that they are doing a terrific job!
And I think you will too!!!
The most valuable thing you can do for your child is give them your time and teach them healthy boundaries.
Children do need discipline at times and you’ll need to figure out what is a suitable way of teaching right from wrong without the drastic measures your dad took.
I think you are very unlikely to repeat your dads mistake as long as you have a healthy way of administering discipline.
I have to say don’t be so hard on yourself, Pray that God guides you to confidently take that step forward.
Don't try to be perfect but just be the daddy you wanted your dad to be. Take one step at a time.

It is perfectly normal to feel a level of uncertainty when expecting a firstborn, it’s a huge change in ones life.
Just be prepared for some sleep deprivation.:)

[dangerman]

A couple of months ago, when we were babysitting our 2 gorgeous little nephews (2 and 5) the 5 year old was acting up. not sharing his toys or whatever. I just felt like my dad just took over my body and I became him with a violent flush of anger I vividly pictured my hand being raised, palm & fingers stretched right out, and I slapped this child in the face with all my power and knocked him to the ground with one blow. And I felt like I so wanted to do it. I felt like my dad (who isnt dead) posessed me, or I was just him. I have had violent outbursts in the past, usually against inanimate objects, once towards a dog when I was a teenager (no, not proud of it, I still pray for forgiveness for that one). But I could never imagine harming a person or even an animal. My dad once beat me in front of the extended family because my cousin dobbed me in for taking one of her toys & not letting her play with it. I was about 7 at the time. I remember rolling on the floor being kicked. This was one of many many incidents, he beat me from the earliest ages up until I was a teenager. When I was 13 I even ran away from home to get away from it all. He used to beat up mum too. No one deserves to be treated like that and when I felt like I wanted to just slap that kid (and just the thought of it felt good at the time) I would rather die than hurt my children. I would do anything to protect our bub but whos going to protect him/her from me?

My dad still wont acknowledge the damage he did to me. And it was a secret, still is. I am expected to pretend it never happened.

Man, I'm 33 and still a mess because of it all. I love my dad but it would be so helpful if he could acknowledge what he did. In the meantime, what will happen to my child? What if I have an outburst of anger for some lame reason & actually slap that child? I couldnt live with that, it would probably lead me to suicide. I'm not kidding. I'm very messed up.

Please, no "see a shrink" type responses, I'm not crazy. Just disturbed. A little. Not much. :flowerz:

[aje001]

Mate, you sound like a really great guy. I'm really sorry to hear about the issues with your Dad, but it's great to hear that you want to make things better.

You've already proved to yourself and everyone else here that you're better than him. You are nothing like him. You're a great Dad.

All you need to do is love you baby, and no matter what, always do what you think is best for the baby.


I read a few years back that a very high percentage of abusers have been abused themselves and that scared the living daylights out of me! But it doesn't mean that a high percentage of the abused will be abusers. ;)

I guess what helps me is knowing that I can stop that cycle, it doesn't have to go any further. You can break this cycle, and you have already started by taking the first steps. I really think you should talk to someone about it though, as that's going to be the best way to help.

Believe me, I know what it's like to have to sit down with a stranger and talk, but I really think it's your best option. There's so much support here on Bubhub, but I don't think it's enough.

Good luck

[dillydAlly]

I have to reply too. :o

My Dad..well not my real Dad, but my Mums husband and my primary carer for many many years...he was an absolute ******* and I too am petrified of something like *that* happening to my son.

I read a few years back that a very high percentage of abusers have been abused themselves and that scared the living daylights out of me! But it doesn't mean that a high percentage of the abused will be abusers. ;)

I guess what helps me is knowing that I can stop that cycle, it doesn't have to go any further. And I will stop it because..well because what they do is revolting and I have no desire to do it anyway! It stops here!

You already love your baby, that part I can see. We all make mistakes and there are hiccups along the way, but remember that you are not your father, we are not our parents and we have the power to stop the cycle.

I could have written this post myself.

Dangerman (love the name btw).

I really feel for you and in someways I understand the pain and turmoil you must be going through. Whether you believe it or not you ARE already better than your father because you acknowledge your actions and are a big enough person to realise you want to try and be different.

My mother treated me like dirt and although she was going through her own issues neglected me heavily. To this day I DO NOT speak to her. It is too hard and it affects who I am as a person.

I struggle everyday to NOT be like her. I worry that when I become a mother I will suffer the same fate but throughout my like so far I have made very conscious efforts to NOT react like her. I went to work in childcare and it changed my life. I have learnt the values I wish that my mother had and I have learned to live my life in a way that I know will nuture my future children. I have found that you have to confront the demons that lay inside you in the best possible way you can.

There is no overnight fix. It is a long road, you will confront and relive alot of the past which may haunt you but you just have to take everyday of being a daddy for what it's worth and be very very aware of your feelings and know your breaking point.

I agree with others in that you should get help. Professionally! See someone that can help you work through your emotions...

Another thing I have learnt is that your past is your past. While it can not be ignored you must realise that it should have little bearing on the way you live your life today!!!! BE THE CHANGE YOU WISH TO SEE IN YOURSELF!!!!!!

One thing you could try as well is becoming a youth worker. I am sure that there are people out there that are stuggling with what you have been through and would appreciate sharing your stories and wisdome. Think back to when you ran away from home. Think of all the struggles you have been through and imagine how your thoughts could help others. (just a suggestions)

Sorry its so long...

Please embrace your new little one. Someone is looking over you and giving you the oppurtunity to make this change... You can, believe me!

Ally

[Jaileth]

Hi dangerman,

My dh too has felt that flush of anger. Newborns can be very very frustrating, especially when combined with lack of sleep, and dh discovered that it was harder and harder to deal with the frustration of it all. Even so, he never hurt ds.

I don't know how much this means, or if this helps, but I believe that you are taking a fantastic first step in talking about it. Do some research and discover things that you can do when it gets too much. Talk to your partner about your feelings and ways that you can both cope when it gets too much.

Do you have someone that you can call at any time to help with the baby? A third person who is seperate from the situation can walk in calmer and be of a great help in calming the baby down. It'll also allow you and your partner to get out or to sleep.

And remember - you aren't your dad - you've already proved that in not keeping this a secret.

Hope this helps. :)

[Seekrit]

sigh... I read your post and it sounds familiar. You know what's funny, I work with kids, even kids with behavioural issues and I don't ever feel like disciplining them in any other way than with my voice and time outs... strange... and I've dealt with a LOT of behavioural issues in my time.

I've also not yet hit my child out of anger... I really do think it's because I *know* that it could happen so I *know* that I have a choice... your acknowldgement on here could be something that helps you with that.

Have you thought about sitting down with your dad and explaining how you feel? That might be a start, and he might acknowledge it for you...?

I'm not going to tell you to see a shrink... but I will tell you that you don't have to be crazy to go to one...

[MetalTechHead]

Just remember there are always guys around (though you have to sift through all the ladies' comments to see them haha) that have been through the same situation - myself included..

While your own parents do contribute greatly in the way that you parent, and if that 'contribution' from your folks was of a negative nature - it does not have to be that way for you as a father...

The way I see it is that while scary and distressing - it shows you how NOT to treat your own children.

There are plenty of support groups and the like out there that are able to assist you through it.