I need some advice , (long story , sorry)

[Jazzed]

I seriously need some advice before i go completely crazy.
About a year ago DD then 16 moved out of home without our consent. she constantly fought with her sisters and us and made life completely unbearable there were so many issues involved in a way i was glad she was gone .
sounds bad i guess but when it came down to being scared for the safety of my other two kids i feel it was best for them.
She was living with a friend and his family and all seemed to be calming down but she never really bothered with us only when she needed money or a lift.
6 months ago she moved in with her boyfriend(not that she told us she even had a boyfriend) and a coworker. after 2 months fights started with the other girl they where living with and threats were made by the girls parents and DD kept getting us involved.
She ended up wanting us to get a bigger house so she and bf could move in with us.
So stupid us moved from our house just for them as our leases ended within a week of each other.
I had no idea at the time i was pregnant , but i must having been thinking crazy , because i regret this so much .
So we get a bigger house which is costing us and extra $105 a week from what we where paying , and got a larger data plan for the internet so they have unlimited d/l and packed and moved all of thier stuff for them while they were at work plus organised carpet cleaners etc and did all the exiting clean of thier house as well as our own.
The move put us in quite a bit of debt to say the least , and they didnt contribute any money to it at all .
Before we moved we told them rent/board would be $100 each a week as we would buy and prepare all meals , and do all the cleaning up and wash the dishes etc , all they have to do is keep thier granny flat tidy and wash thier own clothes,they agreed that was a good deal as they didnt have to buy food , pay electricity or phone etc and they would save money.We had only a couple of rules and one was not having people over without asking and keeping things tidy.
So problem is they dont do anything i washed all their clothes two weeks after we moved , over twenty loads.
They have friends over every friday and saturday , and have a party , lots of alchohol.
They leave all the lights on 6 in total 24 hours a day and a big oil heater, plus they have strated to wash clothes only what they need and put it in the dryer for the full cycle.
We have asked them repeatedly to turn lights of and not use the dryer only if its raining or if they need something in a hurry , we try to conserve on all eletrical and water usage.
Biggest thing that irritates me is she got a kitten before we moved after i said not too, because at that time she didnt know where she was going to move too. So you guessed it i know have a cat to look after that i dont want .
i feed it every meal she hasnt once since we have been here and buy all of its food and kitty litter , hubby changes the kitty litter because she wont .
And to top it all off DH told her to get off her but and clean up today (example of how grotty they are is they have to pull the wheelie bin up to the door when we have an open house), because we have an open house tomorrow, unfortunetly the house we moved into got put on the market 2 weeks after we move in.She toatally abused her dad and said yous are ripping us off by charging us so much.
So yeah im kind of totally losing it here and dont know what to do ,i really need some advice and if you have read all this i thank you for your time.
PS its 10:20 pm and she has just turned up with 4 more friends and there is allready someone here , plus they have dozens of bottles of mixed alchol.

[Ys_Woman]

What a nightmare! I can well imagine what it is like as I went through a similar ordeal.
My dd was horrid with the younger children, thoughtless with the use of electricity etc, wasn't helping with housework, nor did she or her bf pay their board consistently when she knew we were doing it tight. I love her to death but enough is enough.
How absolutely awful for you that the house went up on the market just after you moved in..the expense of moving and then to have to do it again so soon:hugs:. Frankly I would use this as an opportunity to suggest to dd and bf that they will need to get a place of their own as things have become uncertain with the house selling and all.
There are just some kids who despite being given all the love, support and opportunities in life, simply want to live life the hardest way possible. Sadly I count my own eldest dd among that number. I can only pray my other kids will finish their educations properly before leaving home.
I wish you all the very best with this situation.
Amy.

[mum1986]

There are just some kids who despite being given all the love, support and opportunities in life, simply want to live life the hardest way possible. Sadly I count my own eldest dd among that number.
i was the same. i was one of those kids that insists on living life the hard way. and i will be honest, from what you have written it sounds like the best thing to do would be to tell her that it is time for her to move out and face the world like a grown up.
some times the best thing you can do for your kids is to push them out of the nest and hope they learn to fly.
it will be tough for her because it sounds like she has just gotten used to being given what she wants but she will learn. and sometimes the hard way is the only way they will learn.

[Jazzed]

thanks Ys-woman and mum1986 , they make me feel like im being hard on them when i think that we have made thier lives so much easier.

I moved out of home when i was 16 and pg with DD and never looked back .

DH and i lived in his parents granny flat for a couple of months , then a caravan park till we got government housing.

We had to buy everything our selves , because no one helped us out.

So to be in this situation and trying to live of my part pension , i cant work as i have serious back problems and DH has a fairly low paid job is making things really hard.

Ironicly DD and her BF get more a week than we do . If i knew that before we moved i would have said you deal with it .

DH and i have allready discussed that they will be moving when the lease is up , still another 3 months away and have advised them that we dont think we could get another house with them because we would have the baby as well.

I just dont think i can last that long.:banghead:

[Ys_Woman]

i was the same. i was one of those kids that insists on living life the hard way. and sometimes the hard way is the only way they will learn.
It's so sad though. You know yourself when you give birth to a child you have such high hopes for a bright future for them. My eldest dd (now 21) had all the things she needed in life, and some of what she wanted too. I was a single mum and worked hard to ensure she lived in a nice area, went to good schools, had decent clothes, ate well, had the dancing/horse riding/singing lessons she wanted.
I strived hard to ensure she had the same opportunities that any of her friends from a two parent family had. She never wanted for love either, we were, and still are, very close.
She has siblings who love her to pieces and a step-dad who has shown her for the last nine years what a good, kind, and loving father is, but still she chooses to live in a hostel situation with little money and no apparent motivation to work her way out of the situation.
I accept that she has survived incredibly well for the past two years under the circumstances. I managed to teach her thrift and resilience if nothing else, yet her life would be so much happier if she had been able to stay at home and complete her studies before moving out.
She is a terrific girl with so much going for her. Hopefully she will pull herself up by the bootlaces and do something great with her life.

Amy.

[mum1986]

if you can afford the rent with them gone (i know you said they were supposed to pay $100 a week but never said if they do or not) then tell them to go. honestly, just say look it's to hard dealing with pregnancy, the open houses and everything else with them around. they will probably be peeved at you but when they grow up they will see that you are doing it for the best, and it is what they need. they will never grow up if no-one makes them

[Jazzed]

The last few weeks they have been mucking around with the rent, he has only had a few shifts and couldnt pay last week.

She owes us $100s she actually pays rent automaticly by electronic funds , but then asks for money for fuel etc.

At the moment im just so stressed i have given it to her but am making a firm no of that in the future she also owes her little sister money.

Umm we couldnt afford to live here if we made them leave at the moment i figure if we buckle down even more , if thats possible we should be ok in about a month .

We have been swamped with so many bills its not funny , like the car needing major work done .grrr.

[Ys_Woman]

I moved out of home when i was 16 and pg with DD and never looked back .
We had to buy everything our selves , because no one helped us out.

I just dont think i can last that long.
:hugs: hon. Keep venting..we may not be able to do anything practical, but we understand. Hopefully they will find another place asap..have they checked out the public system? Don't know which agency or organisation to call but they could possibly use the current situation (threat of homelessness) to try to get into emergency accommodation(??).
You can ill afford to keep supporting them by the sounds of it..and with a bub coming too:no:.
It sounds like you actually did learn some pretty hard but useful lessons from your own situation back in the day, but this younger generation are a 'give-it-to-me-now, do-it-for-me-now' generation..don't want to completely generalise as there are some real go getters too..but it does seem to be more prevalent in young ones these days.

Amy.

[Jazzed]

Thanks :hugs:

The whole idea was for everyone to save some money and that they had a permenant roof over thier heads and didnt have to worry about having to rent a house on thier own , which everyone thought was a good idea.

They cant get public housing or anything like that because they both work , i will be speaking to them both today.

Allthough i know she will chuck a tantrum and start screaming at us like usual , i think its better to try to get her to understand.

As i keep saying she all the time , she is the main problem her bf is really nice and quite and does whatever we ask , not that we ever ask for much .

So yeah hopefully in the next month or so we will be able really crack down and kick her out if she doesnt get it .

That probably sounds really cruel but when i have 2 other kids to worry about and my sanity i think they come first.

Once we move again and settle im hoping everything will start going ok , ive had doubts about having this baby as im too the point i just cant deal with anymore stress. And after realising what i was thinking started to stress out even more.

[confusd]

ok this is just my oipinion,

if she can afford to drink every weekend she can afford to give you rent/bond!!

if i was in your situation id just not do anything for her dont wash their clothes or clean or lend her money.

you went out of your way to move to a bigger house to accommodate them so they should hold up their end of the bargain.

if she starts screaming at you when you try to talk to her, if it was me id just walk away and tell her to calm down and if she wants to be treated like an adult then start acting like one.

i know its easy for me to say this, cause its not me but its just my opinion :hugs:

[Jazzed]

ok this is just my oipinion,

if she can afford to drink every weekend she can afford to give you rent/bond!!

if i was in your situation id just not do anything for her dont wash their clothes or clean or lend her money.

you went out of your way to move to a bigger house to accommodate them so they should hold up their end of the bargain.

if she starts screaming at you when you try to talk to her, if it was me id just walk away and tell her to calm down and if she wants to be treated like an adult then start acting like one.

i know its easy for me to say this, cause its not me but its just my opinion :hugs:

Yeah we dont wash thier clothes for them anymore we only did that twice cause we where so sick of looking at the pile.

And if they dont buy the alchol thier friends do , so it kind of a no win situation with that one.

Ironicly i do just what you recommend for the screaming but that doesnt work.

Our home was quite when she was gone , no screaming , fighting etc .

[Ys_Woman]

You've tried your best and that is about all you can do.
How awesome that her boyfriend is so wonderful. My dd's boyfriend was a bit of a nightmare but he did her a kindness by doing a runner two days ago. He has gone interstate for good:smiliedance:. She is back to planning a good life for herself. I pray she stays the course and that he doesn't ever return.
In my situation if I didn't have the younger kids I would have my dd home in a heartbeat. We get along famously but she can't cope with the kids..or with one in particular (6yr old girl), as they are so different in temperament.
I did the same as you for the same reasons..I had to protect my younger children.
Talking around though it seems to be a common theme particularly if mum has a bub with a new partner and the older sibling is a female teen.

Just hope it all works out for you.
Amy:)

[headoverfeet]

:D My mum loves me but if I behaved in this way all of my belongings would be in bags on the verge and the locks would be changed.

[Jazzed]

You've tried your best and that is about all you can do.
How awesome that her boyfriend is so wonderful. My dd's boyfriend was a bit of a nightmare but he did her a kindness by doing a runner two days ago. He has gone interstate for good:smiliedance:. She is back to planning a good life for herself. I pray she stays the course and that he doesn't ever return.
In my situation if I didn't have the younger kids I would have my dd home in a heartbeat. We get along famously but she can't cope with the kids..or with one in particular (6yr old girl), as they are so different in temperament.
I did the same as you for the same reasons..I had to protect my younger children.
Talking around though it seems to be a common theme particularly if mum has a bub with a new partner and the older sibling is a female teen.

Just hope it all works out for you.
Amy:)

Thanks,
i hope things keep going in the right direction for you and your DD too, how old is she?

I dont know if it has anything to do with the baby or not , i dont think so she has had a lot of stress herself . Just graduating year 12 last year than changing jobs twice in the past 4 months.

By the way her dad is this babys dad too , we have been together for allmost 20 years.

[Ys_Woman]

Thanks,
i hope things keep going in the right direction for you and your DD too, how old is she?
I dont know if it has anything to do with the baby or not , i dont think so she has had a lot of stress herself . Just graduating year 12 last year than changing jobs twice in the past 4 months.
By the way her dad is this babys dad too , we have been together for allmost 20 years.
Congrats on the long lasting marriage..and the new bub that's coming:yelclap:.

My eldest is 21..there is a 13yr gap between her and her closest sibling (I blame my husband for not meeting me earlier..lol) and I guess having been an only child for so long, is one of the reasons she had issues with the kids.
She actually copes with ds1 (7yrs) because he is so much like her -quiet, but the next one (dd2- 6yrs) is vivacious and loud. It got to the point where she would wake in a foul mood and send the kids outside. Then when she wanted to go outside herself, would order them inside. If they didn't move fast enough she would grab them by the arm and forcibly move them out of the way. It was at that point I 'suggested' she start looking for other digs (as I packed her bags..lol).
She doesn't resent the new bub (ds2) as she is away from the situation but she isn't a clucky girl and isn't that interested in him anyways. She says she will never have any of her own but who knows...

It is so good that your daughter stuck out her education. I am trying to convince mine to start uni but she is dragging her heels and fluffing about.

It's hard when you love them so darned much but they refuse to live up to your expectations..lol.

Amy:)

[Jazzed]

thanks ys woman it actually makes me feel a little better knowing shes not the only one in the world that can be a pain. She wants to go to uni but just cant afford it right now , as she knows she has to move again so hopefully she gets to do that at some time.

we told them that the elec bill is going to be really big as they have been using the appliances etc so much,if it is over a set amount they have to pay the extra.So thats one thing down.

Have yet to approach her about her friends yet cause when DH tried he stuffed everything up because he rabbits on so much and wont shut up and listen , the kids all say thats why they dont listen to him lol. Basicly its his own fault because he never bothered with them when they where little now they just dont listen.

Im just trying to forget the whole thing at present and not let it stress me out so much because im stressing out about the whole pregnancy thing as it is , for some reason i have becom really afraid of giving birth this time around .

Im just going to write up a list of dos and donts for them and leave it on the coffee table for them and if they want to whinge about it i think i will have to show em the door because honestly its just not worth it. :fingerscrossed:

[Ys_Woman]

Can I ask what about the birth is troubling you?

Hugs,
Amy:)

[Jazzed]

I honestly dont know what im so afraid of , i think its a mixture of my last birth being so painfull .It was all back pain and i did the stupid thing and had pethadine and wasnt allowed to get out of bed which made me feel worse.

This time im thinking it will affect my back in a huge way too , i was diagnosed with spina biffida and scolliosis about 5 years ago and had fractured 3 vertabrae because of the pressure on my spine.

I will be speaking to my doctor at next appointment but thats not for another 2 weeks yet so hopefully she can suggest something, i havent had a chance to talk to the maternity hospital as my first appt is the end of this month.

But i dont know i think there is something else that im not really aware of , im looking into hypnobirthing and other forms of relaxation etc but havent found anything i really like the idea of yet.:wave:

[Lastcenturymum]

Oh hun :hugs: to you. I agree with mum 1986. Some kids just take take take and never learn. And as a parent that is painful.

I can't believe you moved for them! You need tough love, they will never learn unless you get tough and they will keep using you. It's so hard when they are your own flesh and blood though. Sometimes they have get to a very low point before they start to pull themselves up.

You have so much going on. :hugs:

[Izy]

When I was about 5 my big sister left the family home (she was 15), and mum had to go as far as put her into foster care... all for the same reasons. The wellbeing of us younger kids.

What you are doing is admirable but also bordering on martyrism (sp?)

I'm so happy to hear that you are giving her the guidelines in writing and leaving the ball in her court. It sounds like you have a lovely daughter who believes she is much more mature than she really is. Hopefully she will open her eyes soon.

[Ys_Woman]

I honestly dont know what im so afraid of , i think its a mixture of my last birth being so painfull .
This time im thinking it will affect my back in a huge way too , i was diagnosed with spina biffida and scolliosis about 5 years ago and had fractured 3 vertabrae because of the pressure on my spine.

I will be speaking to my doctor at next appointment but thats not for another 2 weeks yet so hopefully she can suggest something,
But i dont know i think there is something else that im not really aware of , im looking into hypnobirthing and other forms of relaxation etc
I hope you can find a birth plan and pain management plan that suits your needs perfectly. Do you usually have natural births?

I found this last labour the hardest because I absolutely KNEW what it was going to take to push him out..a bit like Pavlov's dog. For the first time in four labours I actually considered getting off the bed and going home just before I had to push him out..lol.
You have physical issues though so it is far more complicated. I really hope all goes well for you hon.

The only physical issues I had with this last pregnancy was the stress it put on all my joints..but I was 44 1/2..an old bag..lol. Six months after his birth I am just coming good and the muscles are starting to close over where they separated.
It was all worth it though. I wish I were a bit younger..I really would have another..lol. I'll leave it in natures hands.

Hugs,
Amy:)

[Jazzed]

lastcenturmum,
i really get what you say about the whole tough love thing but sometimes thats easier said than done .

allthough we are trying to be tough on them at the moment it has also been very tough for us as this pregnancy has not been easy for us and i have had to go through a lot of tests and stuff just to get to the point where we are at now . due to a neglegent doctor that could have killed my unborn by repeatedly prescribing me 3 different types of medication that are proven harmul and cause side effects in babies.

so if i would have not have to deal with that i would have had all my wits about me and be able to nip it in the bud when it first started , but now things have snowballed.:hugs:

[Jazzed]

When I was about 5 my big sister left the family home (she was 15), and mum had to go as far as put her into foster care... all for the same reasons. The wellbeing of us younger kids.

What you are doing is admirable but also bordering on martyrism (sp?)

I'm so happy to hear that you are giving her the guidelines in writing and leaving the ball in her court. It sounds like you have a lovely daughter who believes she is much more mature than she really is. Hopefully she will open her eyes soon.

sorry to hear that you had to deal with similar probs as a child i can totally relate to that i grew up in a very violent household , but my mum never did anything to stop it .

i will not tolerate any violence in my house now , if anyone starts acting in that way i just tell them i will move out and dad will look after them .because i will not tolerate that type of behaviour , funnily enough it works and ive only said it twice in 4 years.

i was discussing with DH today that if her BF hadnt moved in we would have been able to keep a better reign on her and put our foot down more , but hopefully things are heading in the right way .

[Jazzed]

I hope you can find a birth plan and pain management plan that suits your needs perfectly. Do you usually have natural births?

I found this last labour the hardest because I absolutely KNEW what it was going to take to push him out..a bit like Pavlov's dog. For the first time in four labours I actually considered getting off the bed and going home just before I had to push him out..lol.
You have physical issues though so it is far more complicated. I really hope all goes well for you hon.

The only physical issues I had with this last pregnancy was the stress it put on all my joints..but I was 44 1/2..an old bag..lol. Six months after his birth I am just coming good and the muscles are starting to close over where they separated.
It was all worth it though. I wish I were a bit younger..I really would have another..lol. I'll leave it in natures hands.

Hugs,
Amy:)

hi,
i have had natural births with all three , the last one was the only one i had drugs with . The first i had a little gas but it made me sick , second nothing .

when i look back at what i knew then about pregnancy and birthing to what i know now , i was totally clueless. no options for postions of birth etc,or other methods of pain relief.

and they where all good sized bubs , 7bl7oz,8bl5oz,8lb6oz.Im pretty small ,5ft3, so when i started getting near the 8th month or so i allways had a lot of back pain , and that was before my back was an issue.

gee sounds like your muscles and joints really took a beating , was it mostly lower parts?
ive had loads of pressure in my knees , havent had anything like that before but im an old bag myself lol . turned 35 last month:p

[melbryan]

Sounds like she is really pushing the boundaries.
I think she sounds like she knows exactly what she is doing and is willing to push you far.

It sounds like you are trying to help her but it isn't helping her its' more making everything easy.

Life isn't easy she should learn the hard way.

Take charge tell her where she stands and stick to your guns. You can only helps them so much at soem stage she will need to stand on her own 2 feet and cop some consequences fo her actions.
Yep it is easier said that done but just think if it is affecting your family now what's it gonna be like when she has a child and wants to go out or even wants money to pay rent and buy food. It's only gonna get worse you give them an inch they will take a mile. Your DD is going to turn into my brother and at 28 it is not favourable let me tell you. He has no friends my parents don't want a bar of him, he doesn't work and has lost his license.He has let us down so many times you can only forgive so much.

Goodluck with your pregnancy.

[Ys_Woman]

and they where all good sized bubs , 7bl7oz,8bl5oz,8lb6oz.Im pretty small ,5ft3, so when i started getting near the 8th month or so i allways had a lot of back pain , and that was before my back was an issue.

gee sounds like your muscles and joints really took a beating , was it mostly lower parts?
ive had loads of pressure in my knees , havent had anything like that before but im an old bag myself lol . turned 35 last month:p
I hit 45 last month..lol.
Yeah..my knees copped it so bad that six months after bubs birth I am finding it hard to climb stairs. I was really huge with him though..bigger than with the others. The midwives and I were expecting a 9lb bub but he came out 6lb 15oz..lol. I always thought they got bigger with each birth..my first was 6lb 12oz, second was 7lb 8oz, third was 8lb 3oz..and then my little man:)
I have never had back or joint problems previously but with this last one all the muscles down my front covering my sternum, pulled apart and are still repairing themselves. I am not supposed to lift anything heavier than bub at this point and may require surgery if it doesn't heal. Because they are apart there is nothing supporting my spine so I get backache a fair bit too.
As I said though..it is so worth it..I just adore my little man and thank God every day that I was blessed with him at this time.:cloud9:. I really never expected to be having one so late in the game..but then my grandmother had her 4th at 43 so it was in the genes..lol.
Praying you will have a great pregnancy and birth.
Hugs,
Amy:)

[Jazzed]

I hit 45 last month..lol.
Yeah..my knees copped it so bad that six months after bubs birth I am finding it hard to climb stairs. I was really huge with him though..bigger than with the others. The midwives and I were expecting a 9lb bub but he came out 6lb 15oz..lol. I always thought they got bigger with each birth..my first was 6lb 12oz, second was 7lb 8oz, third was 8lb 3oz..and then my little man:)
I have never had back or joint problems previously but with this last one all the muscles down my front covering my sternum, pulled apart and are still repairing themselves. I am not supposed to lift anything heavier than bub at this point and may require surgery if it doesn't heal. Because they are apart there is nothing supporting my spine so I get backache a fair bit too.
As I said though..it is so worth it..I just adore my little man and thank God every day that I was blessed with him at this time.:cloud9:. I really never expected to be having one so late in the game..but then my grandmother had her 4th at 43 so it was in the genes..lol.
Praying you will have a great pregnancy and birth.
Hugs,
Amy:)


thanks amy,
all your advice and support has been wonderfull, things are settling down a bit .

luckily we dont have long now till we move, DD is moving back with her friend and his family when we move or before. and her BF is moving back with his parents.

the muscle separating issue you have sounds really painfull , i hope all that works out.

carly

[sunnyflower]

Your daughter sounds way too overindulged.

She wants to be the grown up woman and have a live in boyfriend but at the same time expects mummy to basically do everything and cope with her kitten and noisy friends as well.

And the she has the hide to scream at you?

You are obviously trying to do the best for your daughter but in doing so much you are actually creating a monster.

Being able to take care of your own responsibilities is what grows pride and character.

Your daughter isn't showing you much respect.you need to lay down some ground rules.