Why do I hate it so much?

[juliek]

My experience was something I would not wish on any one. After a 'perfect pregnancy' of all normal doctors visits and everyone telling me how lucky I was that I hadn't had any problems, I woke up one morning at 39 weeks with a pain in my chest that kind of felt like heart burn. I chewed a few quickease, had a shower and started to feel weird. My husband dragged me to the hospital (I thought it would pass, he didn't) and was told my bp was 180/240, by that stage the pain in my chest was getting unbearable and the doctor told me I was either having a heart attack or had a clot in my lung as he gave me blood thinners. Two hours later after x-rays and various other tests, morphine was lasting about 10 minutes and I was throwing up everywhere despite the maxalon. More and more doctors were gathering around my bed, scratching their heads. They worked out I had pre-eclampsia and after more tests, I also had hellp syndrome (which has a 50% mortality rate for mum and bub, the blood vessels in the liver start to spasm and trap all of your platelets, it then over produces electrolytes and the rest of your internal organs start to shut down, kidneys....lungs....heart. Then your blood can't clot because your liver has eaten up all of your platelets.)
I was told the only way to cure it was delivery and I needed an emergency c-section, but because I had been given blood thinners, I couldn't have an epidural, it would have to be a general and I would also need other drugs to reverse the thinners. I remember using alot of four letter words and begged them to at least try the gel to see if they could induce me. Then they told me if they didn't get the baby out with in the next few hours, they would be burying both of us and promptly asked my husband if I had a will. I had the c-section and things went really badly. It took them two hours to stop the bleeding and I ended up in intensive care for four days with pulminary oedema. To top it all off my dd was in the intensive care nursery with a meconium aspiration. She then developed a massive (5cm) blood clot in her aorta from the umbilical line to measure her blood gases. At 6 days we were told she was in heart failure and they didn't think she would make it. She was given 3 infusions of a clot buster over the next week and amazingly she came through it all with out any problems. I am sooooo thankful that we are both here and healthy. To see us both now, you would never know there was ever any thing wrong.

But,... I hate my cut! I hate the way it looks, I hate the way it feels. I can't bear to look at myself naked in case I see it. It really ****es me off, I'm so angry about it.
I had always said the whole way through my pregnancy that I was NOT going to have a c-section. I know I should see it as a triumph, a battle scar, my daughters doorway into this world, but I hate it. I look at the fading strechmarks on my belly and they don't faze me a bit, but if I see my cut, I feel disgusting. It's not part of me and yet I some how feel it defines me. I'm frustrated because I know it is nothing to be ashamed of, but I feel more and more resentful towards it. I try not to focus on it, but sometimes it just really gets to me. Am I the only one who feels like this?
:mad: :confused: :mad:

[misskittyfantastico]

I really don't have anything useful to say except that I'm so sorry you went through such a traumatic experience. So I send you these:hugs: :hugs: and my advice is don't stop talking about it, whether it's to friends, partners or us, you need to get it out....it can help

[SuperWoman]

So sorry you had an experince like that! I agree with milliesmum, its good for you to talk about how you are feeling! Giving you a big hug!!!:hugs: :hugs: :hugs: :hugs:

[Tam-I-Am]

JulieK,

What an awful experience for you to have gone through, especially as it was completely against the kind of labour you wanted. While I didn't have a c-section, I did end up really sick in hospital for 2 weeks after DD was born - long story and I won't bore you.

This is what I know: I feel like I was robbed, not only of the kind of birthing experience I wanted, but of time with my DD in the first few vital days of her life, and this is time that I will never ever get back. I feel angry and sad, and becasue of these issues and feelings, actually developed post-natal depression. I'm not saying that this is what you have (although I think it could be a possibility), but what I am saying is that I needed a caring professional to help me resolve all my emotional issues around this - so I saw a psychologist for a couple of months. I think that this might be really helpful to you - even if you don't have PND - to resolve your feelings about the c-section, how sick you were, and what an extremely awful situation you had to deal with.

I would strongly advise you to go talk to your GP as a first step - and ask for a referral to a pscyhologist. If you don't want to do this, but still want to see someone - you can PM me if you want (I am actually a probationary psychologist myself, so know how you can find one without a referral)

Good luck to you, and :hugs: . I hope you find some peace.

[misskittyfantastico]

Good advice Tami-and -Claire:thumbsup:

[SassyMummy]

I hate that I had a c-section. My birthing experience was not nearly as traumatic as yours...so perhaps I don't really have the right to complain...but I'll continue to whinge about it for the rest of my life I imagine...because I just feel so MAD about it.

I feel that I never "gave birth." Because I didn't. I lay there while my stomach was cut open and DD was removed from within it. I always pause when I say "When I was giving birth" and change it to "when I had my caesarean" because in my mind, I never GAVE BIRTH. I think that's the real problem I have - the fact that I had the whole pregnancy experience...and yet didn't get to experience childbirth.

Women seem to use giving birth as an empowering thing. Not that that's bad...but I just feel that I've missed out on that. Women like to talk about how strong they are to give birth to a baby....but though I can lay claim to being a mother, I can't lay claim to having the strength to push out a baby. THAT is what angers me so much.

I'm also angry that there was no REAL reason I needed to have a c-section. Baby was overdue and I couldn't be induced...that's the only reason I had one. Even then, all health checks were spot on...my blood pressure was a little high, but nothing too serious. I always think that the doctors just wanted me to have the baby NOW for their convenience...to get me out of the way...

Next time I have a baby, IF I have one, I want to have a vaginal birth. VBAC. I want to do what my body was designed to do. Doctors can get stuffed...I'm GOING to have a vaginal birth. If it endangers my childs life...then I'll reconsider. But I'm afraid to ever have another child IN CASE I'll have to have another c-section.

I don't really ever look at my scar. I don't like it to be touched though, partly because it feels strange but partly because I don't recognise it as a part of my body. It's a strange feeling. I feel like it doesn't belong...

[reAllytee]

I agree with what Tami said maybe you need to look at talking to someone & your g.p is a good start.
I didnt have a c-section either so i of course have no idea what this must feel like but i did go through a traumatic experience & i think that we do get angry or upset when things dont go to plan whichever way that is.
I dont think it helps when there seems to be an " Us versus Them " type status when it comes to c-section or vaginal birth mama's because in reality how we birth our babies shows nothing about what type of parent we are.
I really hope in time that your able to see some sort of good out of what happened to you & that you become proud of your battle scars whether they be stretch marks or your scar.
:hugs:

[pegasus]

Hi Julie

I'm sorry to hear how your scar still upsets you. It is really hard when all through your pregnancy you believe you won't have a caesar and then at the end it happens (That's also how it went for me).

To make me feel better about my bub's birth (and get over the whole guilt thing) I think about how my hubby feels about it. To him how bub was delivered wasn't an issue - it was about both of us being safe. It made me realise that the whole talk about women power (like Sassymummy has talked about) is totally cr@p. What right do I have to feel robbed of a "powerful birth" when my husband (who is no less a parent than me) will never get to experience any of the carrying of our child (it's first movements etc) let alone delivering it. How selfish of me to be upset that I didn't get to push our son out (and probably won't get to push our daughter out) - giving birth isn't a competition - it's a means to an end.

It took me a fair while to arrive at that self talk, (and many tears) and I am still hoping I don't get another scar in 3months time. Although I think my acceptance this time round will be alot quicker - my conversations with my doctor have gone along the lines of "many women have VBACS - how likely with my indications could I do it?" Dr: "Yes, you hear some good stories, but there are also some women who get themselves and / or their babies into a lot of trouble trying it"

The acceptance of your scar is probably more likely to come from acceptance of your birth experience than the actual scar so I totally agree with Tami and see if you can get some counselling. Perhaps one of the first stops to look for a counsellor who might have a good idea of what you're going through, might be through the Family Planning clinic?

Sassymummy - It's sad to hear that one of your reasons for considering if you will have another child is fear of another c/section. You carried your child for nine months and have your child now. You did actively partake in your child's birth!!!

[veve]

To make me feel better about my bub's birth (and get over the whole guilt thing) I think about how my hubby feels about it. To him how bub was delivered wasn't an issue - it was about both of us being safe. It made me realise that the whole talk about women power (like Sassymummy has talked about) is totally cr@p

I COMPLETELY agree.. - Julie I cant pretend to understand exactly how you feel - I had an identical scar on my abdomen before my pregnancy (previous op) - so I woke up and looked the same :o - but I saw my DH quite distraught when I was at the end of my labour (he knew that I didn't want an epi ... or a c-section ... but I had to have both.. VB was just not possible) - I was quite calm ... and focused only on the fact that my baby could die - all he could just see his wife plugged in to tubes , covered in sheets and he was just sobbing... all HE cared about was that both of us came out ok...

After my first op - I too hated my scar (perhaps not to the degree you do?) - I found that by massaging it with cream... and getting my DH to do it for me - I became more accepting?? I felt it became more a part of me - and him rubbing it let me know that he didn't see it as an issue (does that make sense??)

DEFINATELY talk more to your DH about it - about how different you feel - he might be able to make you feel better about it?

:hugs: I hope you find your answer soon :hugs:

xx

[Tracie]

Hi JulieK,

You must be such a strong woman to have been able to endure that experience.
Birth is such an unknown - most of the time things go OK but when there are genuine medical emergencies like yours, caesars are literally life-savers.

I can't speak from experience, but I am sure it must be hard to deal with the disfigurement and the feelings of loss. So all power to you for having these extra things to endure whilst you are also learning the motherhood ropes.

This suggestion is probably easier said than done, but the first thing that popped into my head was maybe it would help to try turning your thoughts (or self talk) around - when you look at the scar, perhaps instead of thinking about what it took away (ie - the natural birth experience) try to think about what it gave you and what you have now as a result of that scar (your life, and the life of your bub). Maybe as you grow to love your baby more and more, and love being a mum more and more, and as the scar fades, you might even grow slowly to love that scar??? (probably sounds unlikely right now, but with time, who knows?)

Don't be too hard on yourself.....you didn't birth the way you wanted to but you really had no choice - it sounds like it was a very dicey and scary situation. So what you did was what was necessary - you did the best thing for yourself and for your baby.

And I guess too, that it doesn't have to be the end of the story - if you are planning on more kids, then there is absolutely no reason you can't have the natural birth experience you so dearly wanted.

Wishing you all the best...

[kadownie]

I just wanted to say that I'm sorry that you had such a hard time. I had an emergency c-birth as well, though my circumstances weren't quite as traumatic as yours (though traumatic to me).

I struggled for months afterwards due to a whole lot of factors- I still grieve the birth that I feel I lost. Though, more than the birth- I grieve the lost moments I could have had with my babies. I don't remember anything much of their first days, first cuddles, first feeds etc...all I remember is pain.

I saw my doctor when the bubs were about 12 weeks- PND- well really post natal anxiety- but it's not really recognized. Had some counselling- which helped.

Starting to feel now, 20 months later, that I'm accepting what happened and embracing my experience- it has enabled me to have a lot more compassion for women who share a similar experience.

Give yourself time to heal, perhaps going and seeing someone who has experience in birth trauma would be useful.

Big hugs to you and your family!

[becca74]

My emerg c/sections, especially the 2nd one, was very traumatic, and I developed PTSD....I have had to see a psycologist for this....

I have since joined a women's support group ( http://www.birthrites.org/ ) and wow, what oxygen it has been!! The focus of the group is healing after caesarean, and I have become so empowered after connecting with these girls! There is a forum there, an email list, and there are support groups that meet around the country.

Dont feel guilty if you feel so down about the c/section, dont let anyone else make you feel guilty that you feel down about it either! Usually the worst remedy well meaning people try to give you is the 'get over it, at least you have a healthy child and you are alive' broken record you hear, as that makes your disappointment only inflate with added guilt.....believe me, I've lived that for the past few years, not good for your health!

Thank God you and your baby are alive, and I do believe this is the reason for the modern miracle that is the c/section! But still, I think as a woman with all the reproductive working parts, there is something in us that instinctively craves to climb the mountain that is our true potential. You are normal for wanting to have had a natural birth. It is normal to feel this grief and let down. I definately suggest you connect with Birthrites! I wish I'd done so alot sooner than I did!

Take care :hugs:

[juliek]

Thanks ladies for all your best wishes and advice.:hugs:
I've checked out those websites and I think they will be really helpful. Just typing it out and reading it has helped clear my head a little too.:o
I know I'll get through it.
Thanks again:hugs:

[Pixie]

wow what a story :hugs: I can relate to not wanting a c/section at all after a perfect pregnancy I ended up with one too went horribley wrong huge hemorrage and time in ICU, I also hate the scar.

I see the others have given you great advice and some helpful links. I hope things get better for you. :)

[Hokey Pokey]

Oh you did go through alot :hugs:
But I do know how you feel but remind yourself with time the scar fades, shrinks and get's ALOT better! I was so horrified to look at mind that I didn't for many many months. i would not let ANYONE look at it, I felt so embarrassed (gosh knows why tho)
Huge hugs to you :hugs:

[tyhleigha & izaiah's mum]

im sorry to hear that you had such a horrible time
heres some :hugs: :hugs: :hugs: for you