Does she deserve the title MUM?

[punkbaby]

I am so upset and i really dont know what to say to DD (shes 10) hoping you can shed some light. I have been stewing on it last night :(

DD sees her dad twice a year if that so i dont really see his partner as a motherly influence, and i know that i am contradicting myself here and you will say Oh get over it but i think that dd has reason to call my dh dad as he does dad things, etc and his with her Full time. DD asked her dad if he minded him calling my dh dad as she was like a dad but he was always her real dad :ecomcity: so she asked for permission from him and he was fine with it (if he wasnt then she wouldnt do it)

Now last night i was teaching her how to crochet (sp?) and she said Oh yeah mum teaches me that :eek: i am like Huh mum, i am your mum sweet what do you mean? She goes yeah XXXX shes my mum too. All i could say was oh ok and i felt my heart break :( I am so upset as she doesnt know how to be a mother, shes got no kids, she sees her 2 times a year at the most, why does she deserve the title mum? I cant stop thinking about it, its really upset me and i know that i shouldnt feel this way but the other part of me things well shes got no right to have that title she doesnt know what its like to be a bloody mum!

I dont want to rock the boat but its taken me all my time not to ring him and scream at him but then i am contradicting myself as she calls dh her dad sometimes.

[EskimoMumma]

my situation is a little different punk but my heart breaks as well on the odd occasion his stepmother is his 'second mum'. but whatever, thats how she introduced herself to his school and the likes and im fine with it. i cant help that his father works lal the time and is left in her care and hes being selfish.

i know how you feel though, its really heartbreaking and gut wenching :(

[~Temet Nosce~]

I would be upset too. I dont think her minimal involvment with your daughter gives her the right to have the title of Mum. No way :no:
I had my dp's kids call me mum once, but difference is they never see their mother anymore. But even then I wasnt comfortable with it and wouldnt respond to them unless they called me by my name. It was soo awkward.

[delirium]

Hmmm, my first instinct would be to say no she shouldn't be called mum, I would hit the roof if we broke up and DH got another gf and my kids called her mum. :hissy: It would be WW3 :geek: But like you said, your kids call your partner dad. I get that it's different b/c he raises your daughter, so he is a father figure, whereas this woman isn't. But the only real way this can be resolved is if you challenge your ex and say it's unacceptable; and he will probably turn around and say "well it's okay for DD to call your DH Dad, so it should be alright for my gf to be called Mum too".

You should talk to your ex. Let him know it isn't the same as his gf hardly ever sees DD. Hard one I have to say, hope you resolve it :)

[Loopy Linda]

i can see that it would be upsetting to hear your daughter just come out with that.

from previous posts i am thinking maybe it is something her father has told her to call this woman? he may see it as she calls your dh dad so his partner can be mum, he sounds insensitive in many posts so maybe this is the case?

i think your daughter is still young and would do this to keep her dad happy. as she gets older if they are still together she may continue to call this person by that name or it may be uncomfortable as she doesn't deserve that title.

some hugs for you as it is a tough one, but personally i would maybe talk to my child without hurt feelings or pride and ask about it. i think you have a pretty good relationship with your daughter. but i would go with whatever my child said, if they were happy to call them mum then they could...i may not like it though.

[sockstealingpoltergeist]

I agree with you she has no right to be called mum. A mum and a Dad are two people who are there through everything and love their children unconditionaly IMO.
My DD also calls my DH (her stepdad) Dad, but he is the one raising her and he loves her like a dad should. Her stepmum and real father hardly ever see her and contribute hardly anything to her life, so they are not real parents.
A very hard situation to be in- Good luck.

[NewBeginnings]

My heart breaks for you! :( IMO she isn't a mum to your daughter at all! :no:

To me the name mum is a VERY important name... and I might step on toes when I say this.... but I don't think anyone should be called mum bar the REAL mum. Yes there are exceptions (ie fostering or adoption etc) but when the real mum is in the life and there is a second female due to divorce etc I don't believe anyone bar the REAL mum should be called that word.

To me the mum is the person who carried and nurtured that baby for nine months. Who delivered and brought that child into the world. Who does all the motherly duties for that child.... who has raised that child. Who stays up til midnight doing last minute ammendments on costumes, who goes to every silly primary school concert....

Now I'm not saying the step parent doesn't do these things,.... and I really don't mean to offend anyone,.... but the word mum to me has a VERY high significance to me... and to me no one deserves that title lightly.

I would be talking to your ex and raising the issue with him that you are uncomfortable with it... and perhaps come up with a compromise.

I can understand your pain though! My ex seems to think his new girlfriend... who has never met my son is his new mum.... :( and I will NOT have her being called mum.... not ever!

It is such a delicate situation for you! :hugs: I hope you are able to sort it out amicably between you all!:hugs:

[SorenLorensen]

sorry i cant give any advice but i can give some of these :hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs:

[jaq]

Punk, I've not been in this situation so if my comments are off the mark, please put them down to ignorance.

That said, "mum" is the most precious word there is (to most off us.) I think it really SHOULD be reserved for the parent who is there, day in and day out. Obviously, this is muddied in blended families where custody is shared, but in your situation, I can't see an argument for it.

However, your ex probably can. He either doesn't see the emotional connection behind it, or wants to hurt you by bandying it around. Particularly if its the latter situation, I wouldn't imagine talking to him about it would be particularly useful.

Would you be able to go straight to his partner on this one? Perhaps the directive/suggestion has come from your ex, rather than her, and she may not be comfortable with it? (I know I wouldn't be in the circumstances).

Once you've figured out exactly who has suggested this, then I would talk to your daughter. Explain to her that being called "mum" is very special to you, and why. Maybe come up with another name for your ex's partner. (Or suggest your daughter and your ex's partner could figure out what that should be, since its between them.)

It's such a emotionally-laden issue, I know it must be hard staying logical and polite on this one, but I can't see how it can be worked out to everyone's satisfaction otherwise.

Good luck!:fingerscrossed:

[MummaBear03]

Yes, that would be upsetting alright. My best friend married a man with 3 kids and he had full custody of the children from the time the little one (now 4) was 6 months old. They also now have a child together who is 8 months old and the children call her Mama**** so Mama followed by her name, whereas even though they have only just started seeing their mother again recently she's still the one they call Mum. They only see her once a month though and even then sometimes she cancels as she had a baby in January as well and is very caught up with that baby and her partner. Different situation, but I really don't know about being called just straight Mum, I really do think that the step-parents should be something different to Mum. I like how those kids have done it where they have Mum and then they have Mama**** because it keeps them as 2 seperate people. Also my best friend's aunty is in a same-sex relationship and has been from the time she was pregnant. The child grew up with 2 female parents, but the one that birthed her is Mum, then other one is Mammy. So it gives them their own identities.

[neostudded]

I would have been heart broken as well because she is NOT a mother, you are.:(

I dont know what advice to offer but I really feel for you right now punk baby:hugs::hugs:

[hayleysmummy]

PB you have every right to be peeved as the others have said you are the only MUM to your DD

I had something similar happen when DP and I had contact with HIS son. Everyone around us would say to his 1 yr old at the time "go to mummy Jordan" etc etc but I had that stopped as it didnt feel right I honestly dont know how anyone can refer to themselves as being someones mum when they arent (his son calls his ex's husband dad) but I will not be referred to as mum in any way. It would be different if it were a foster child or they had full care of your DD but what they are doing in my opinion is silly and confusing to your DD

:hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs: to you

She may call her mum but you will always be the #1 mummy in her life

[cinnamonbear]

My blood would boil if my DD was taught/told to ever call another woman mum... she only has one mum the woman who carried her for 9 months and 5 days, the woman who has care and nurtured for her every day since she was born.

[Beachside Mumma]

Ok, i'm posting this from 'the other side' i guess you could say and i'm not trying to step on toes or offend anyone...

Just a bit of background just so everyone understands where i'm coming from. My DP has a 3yr old son from a previous relationship and we are expecting our first in November. DP and his ex split up when DSS was just under 3 months old and they live 11 hours apart. I have known DSS since he was 6 months old and have been living with DP from about the time DSS was 15 months old. DSS doesn't remember his 'biological' mum and dad together, he has only ever known it as DP and I and then his 'biological' mum. Now don't take offense to the term 'biological' as i'm just using it to make things easier to follow. DP's ex is by all means DSS's mum and i'm not trying to suggest different. We also have an arrangement where DSS lives with his mum for 6 weeks at a time and then is with us for 2 weeks and alternating christmas and birthdays etc.

When DP and I first started living together I by no means felt comfortable with DSS calling me mum (not that he did very often but little kids do get confused sometimes) and would correct him and tell him I wasn't his mum. When DSS is with us, I do everything for him that mum does - I get up to him in the middle of the night, feed him, clean up after him, kiss it better when he hurts himself, play with him etc... And i love him like he is my own. DP and i have always been of the opinion that whether DSS calls me mum or not is HIS decision completely and have not encouraged nor discouraged him do so. For a while when DSS first started talking he called me 'Manda' and then about 10 months ago he started calling me 'Mum' sometimes and 'Manda' sometimes... I was a bit shocked when I first got 'Mum' but I just try and go with the flow... For a while, some visits I would get 'Mum' the whole visit, others would be 'Manda' and some visits it would be a mixture of the two. Just whatever he felt comfortable calling me at the time. Now I just mostly get 'Mum' with the occasional 'Manda' - I answer to both and we don't make make a big deal of whichever he uses.

DSS's 'biological' mum lives with her parents at the moment. We have no idea if she has a partner or not at the moment and quite frankly that is none of our business. However if DSS choses to call his mum's partner 'Dad' that is also none of our business - that choice is his and his alone. Just like whether he calls me 'Mum' is his decision and only one he can make.

At the end of the day it is up to the child to decide whether or not they call their 'biological' parents partners 'Mum' or 'Dad' - nobody can make that decision for them and if they feel comfortable doing that they will, if they don't feel comfortable doing that, then they should not have to by any means.

I can understand where you are coming from, especially if they only see your DD twice a year and I can understand that you're hurt - however at the end of the day it should be your daughters decision whether or not she call's your husband 'Dad' and your ex's partner 'Mum'. If she has the kind of relationship and bond with either new partner (like that she obviously has with your DH) that she feels comfortable calling them 'Mum' or 'Dad', then that shouldn't be held against her. It's her choice and one only she can make and it's really unfair to ask her to do or not to do something just to please you or her 'biological' dad.

I really hope I haven't offended anyone as that was not my intention - but just wanted to put my 2 cents worth in and i guess give you the opinion from 'the other woman' so to speak.

[the_original_duchess]

I'd have the ****s too. it whould be diffferent if the woman had a big parenting part of her life but she doesnt.
im in the same situation. my dp raises the kdis with me. h\they ahvent seen their dad in such a long time. if by chance (which i wont hold my breath for) he does take them there is no way they will call her mum.
as far as im concerned she is just the woman he is "doing" atm. if they take a constant adn stable role in my childrens lives my opinion on that will change. not saying ti wont hurt coz it will prolly tear my heart out first time i hear it but its upto them
however if they go down there for a weekend and all of a sudden she gets called mum i'll be ripping someone a new a-hole, and it wont be the kids lol

[Mathermy]

:hugs::(:hugs::(:hugs::(

So long as no-one has forced her to call her that then I suppose it's whatever she feels comfortable with, even though it must be VERY difficult for you to hear.

[forbetoel]

My heart would have exploded on hearing those words.

Well done to you for staying so clam.

Honestly, although she used the word mum, it would not be in the same context as she uses to refer to you.

Mum is such a special word, and hearing her call someone else that name would be like a bullet...especially as she doesn't not play a mothering role in her life.

I would speak to them, and tell them that you are not comfy with it....but something tells me that they have used your daughter as a pawn to get you upset. I have a feeling this 'mum' word will disappear soon.

I feel; quite strongly that the word mum should be reserved for the main female caregiver.

Although my friend does family daycare and a little girl there calls her mum all the time. The little girls actual mother doesn't mind.(which really surprises me)

[Mischief]

I dont think she should be called mum. Its a title that should be earned with more than 2 visits a year.

However if your daughter feels comfortable with addressing her by that title, then I guess my personal view is to let it go for her sake.

TBH I would be devestated too though. :hugs:

[mummy2jack08]

i can imagine that must be hard, i am in a different situation.

My DP's daughter calls me Leece ( i dnt like being called mum) but says to people i am her second mum. I have been around since she was 10 months old, pick her and see her when DP is away and look after when its our turn to have her....

i would say if she only sees your daughter twice a year that would be completly different. I would try talking to your X!

Hope things work out :)

[subaruforestermum]

:hugs::hugs: Everyone has already said what I was thinking....

I personally would be shattered! And your DH is there day in day out, like a father is suppose to be...so I think he has earnt the right to be called dad...

**I see where you are coming from Mummy amanda, but the difference is you see your step son ALL the time... Whereas this lady only sees PB's daughter twice a year....

[Queen]

:hugs: Hun, I would have been upset too:(and I do not think that she should be given a title as Mum.
Perhaps, as DD is older could you explain how you feel and maybe choose her another title, one that you feel comfortable with (no nasty names:p)
I know it must be hard but she probably does not realise, as she has two dads? You know?

Talk to DD:hugs:

[WorkingClassMum]

Who's idea was it?

If it was DD's idea to call her Mum, then maybe you'll just have to go along with it

If it was bio-dad's idea - you'll need to talk to him, and maybe it was SMum's idea...?

I'd have chat with DD first and find the lay of the land, then you'll better know which way to go

My Dad asked us to call the step-monster mum, but she wouldn't acknowledge us when we did, so we reverted back to her first name

[Mum2Bella]

My heart breaks for you! :( IMO she isn't a mum to your daughter at all! :no:

To me the name mum is a VERY important name... and I might step on toes when I say this.... but I don't think anyone should be called mum bar the REAL mum. Yes there are exceptions (ie fostering or adoption etc) but when the real mum is in the life and there is a second female due to divorce etc I don't believe anyone bar the REAL mum should be called that word.

To me the mum is the person who carried and nurtured that baby for nine months. Who delivered and brought that child into the world. Who does all the motherly duties for that child.... who has raised that child. Who stays up til midnight doing last minute ammendments on costumes, who goes to every silly primary school concert....

Now I'm not saying the step parent doesn't do these things,.... and I really don't mean to offend anyone,.... but the word mum to me has a VERY high significance to me... and to me no one deserves that title lightly.



I tend to disagree,i think some Birth mothers dont deserve to called mum

[lukaelmo]

Look... I'd be so upset and hurt, honestly my heart would break... but... she's 10 years old. Honestly, let it go. Who knows what she's thinking, it might be "cool" for her to tell her friends she's got two mums, she might not think anything of it at all, she might be trying to please her dad because she never sees him and wants to get closer to him... it could be anything.

I would die... I will, when the boys' dad finds a new partner and she's in their lives, I'll hate it. But I hope, hope, hope I can let it go, because that's what I think would be best on the little ones.

I hope I'm not offending in a situation that I haven't gotten into as yet, please believe that I am posting this with good intentions.

[punkbaby]

Thankyou for all your thoughts, I am still upset about this so havent really looked in on this thread sorry :(

We have had a good chat about it, I have been supportive of it, we get along really well and she can talk to me about anything so there are no issues there. She doesnt want to call her mum but she said that now that his marrying her that shes been told to call her mum as thats how it works. Well that was her wording....i said Oh ok but you called DH dad well before we got married, she is like Yeh mum but god his my dad he does what dads do and he lives with me. I sort of talked with an open mind to suss out what was going on and it seems that they want her to call her mum as its about time seeing things are going to be sealed marriage wise soon. She doesnt want to call her mum but has been told to do so, as i said to her you can call her whatever you like but if you dont like calling her that then dont, tell your dad how you feel.

Its really hard, i have supported her choices and always will and i know that he will turn around and say to her "you call xx dad why cant you call xx mum" he will f&*& with her head and make her feel bad and shes the kind of kid, she will do things to please people.

The thing that really annoys me too is that DD asked her dad if she could call DH dad, i also ran it past him just out of respect for him but he didnt even have the decency to ask me if she could, not that i can say no but you know works both ways. The fact that she didnt ask me or say Hey i am going to call XX mum now made me wonder and i guess i was right :(

It kills me, i know that shes only got one mum and she can all 100 people mum and i will always be number one but not when shes calling someone who never sees her a mum, TBH she doesnt deserve that title at all, I guess if they had kids i would think Oh yeah shes doing it to fit in (thats what dd did here at first i think that she wanted to initially call dh dad as ds did)

I dont know, i will be talking to him though and asking him why he didnt let me know first, just out of respect really so i didnt get the shock like i did. Alot of things are coming out now that i havent known about but thankfuly shes opening up to me

Thanks for all your words of wisdom :) and thoughts

[Lastcenturymum]

Oh PB :hugs::(

I think you are right and it may have been said (haven't read all threads) The big difference is

she sees her very infrequently

Your partner is daily involved in her care and raising

Very different if you ask me. If she saw her and lived with her half time or something, it would be different.

I don't think you are contradicting yourself at all and I can understand how you felt like you'd been kicked in the guts.

And the fact they are getting married isn't 'how it is at all'. They shouldn't be telling her what to do, especially if she doesn't want to.

I suspect this woman (the haircutter) wants more leverage.

:hugs::hugs:

[ogsmum]

poor you. i could totally feel how saddening this would be when i was reading your thread. your daughter doesn't understand, so my opinion is you have to explain to her that there is only one 'mum' in someone's life, even though other people can be step-mums etc. she needs to know that these people are really special in a different kind of way to how a mum is special. otherwise she will continued to be confused and might get older and find it strange that she did that on reflection. my gut feeling is that she will understand if you explain it to her on her terms :-) besides you gotta look after your own heart as well!!!

[DustyPeach]

Hey punk,

You know my stand on this very subject. Does not matter weather bio parents are in the life of the child or not. Only one person deserves to be called mum or dad and that is the bio parents. We had it in our orders and of late exdh was in a lot of trouble in court for breaching this part of our orders.

The lady or man down the road can do all the providing for any child. Many average people care for young people in foster care. I am posative we would all be furious if our children were to call their carers mum or dad or both.

To me it comes down to mum and dad is sacred and reserved for the actual parents of the child. We all have names and my kids will only ever call their bio dad, dad. Irrespective of how much time he does or does not spend with the kids.

Sounds like you have handeld it well for your DD though well done with the convo you said you had with her. :yelclap: