Disinterested grandparents

[Cilli]

Sorry everyone this is a bit of a rant - I just need to get this one off my chest then I'm sure I'll feel a lot better!! :)

I feel like my dad and stepmum are just really disinterested in me and their (first and only) grandchild and have become more and more wrapped up in their own lives - and it really hurts.

The day after I had DS they bought a holiday house, then came into the hospital with photos of it and that's all they wanted to talk about ! I was like - hang on a minute I've just given birth here and am completely exhausted, emotionally overwrought etc - can I have a bit of attention!!!

Since then I have had major issues with DS not sleeping and have been really struggling on many occasions. On top of that, I lost my mum when I was a child and not having her here has made it extra hard.

I have rung my dad for support and broken down on the phone a few times and he has said oh your stepmum can come and help you. Not once in 5 months has she made the effort to come over and help me (aside from coming over once when I got home from hospital). Granted she has been dealing with her own issues (her brother has been terminally ill for 3 years and passed away a month ago). So I haven't wanted to push things as I've felt really selfish - but I feel if I were her real daughter she would have been there in a flash had I really needed her - which I have.

We get a visit every few weeks for about an hour where they goo and gaa over DS but don't spend any real quality time with us. They now spend every weekend at their new country house and have never offered to babysit, help out in any way....I just feel like they think let's enjoy life and just focus on ourselves.

Pheww I feel better already - just wanted to know though, are there others in this situation? It makes me cry when I hear of friends' parents who offer to babysit all the time, come over every week, have car seats fitted into their cars etc? Maybe these grandparents are in the minority - but a little bit of attention would be nice!!!

[M O P]

Oh that's a horrible story. Yes, it does make you wonder how things would be if it were your own Mum.

My grandpa, who I lived with for 3 years and was always very close to until my grandmother died, is a bit like this. He's now remarried and we really don't see him anymore. And it's not from lack of trying, he's just so wrapped up in his new world.

Does your step Mum have children or grandchildren herself?

[bec79]

Hmmmm, I'm sorry I can't really relate.
I am in a situation very much at the other end of the scale...to the point where I feel very smothered. (By MIL) So to me, your situation sounds like paradise!:D
Maybe you should invite them over and really spill your guts about how you feel?
If they are so wrapped up in their own world, they may have not noticed the rough patch you are going through.

[melbryan]

I am also the way that you are with my MIL. She has heart problems and has been told she can't mind him ( by me) because he is such a handful. I know he will give her a heart attack. I feel sad for you that you don't have your mum. I have an Aunty who I rely on frequently do you have another dear friend that may be able to help out.
I was in your boat too, I am 30 and didn't cope with my son who always cried never slept and literally exhausted me. I do have a mum but she always works so I have a lovely lady he looks after him while I work full time ( my work is my break from him) if it weren't for her I would die. I too need a break so I can handle him the next day. I must admit I am not a baby person and can't wait till he grows. I wrote my muma letter last mother's day and told her that growing up I was very self sufficient but it is now in my life I need her the most, I've always had control over most things but when this baby came along Whoa!!!!! I wasn't ready. I realised how selfish I was with my own time.
Need advice PM me as I know what you're gpomg through. I battle along on my own becasue I don't want to embarrass myslef in front of others and I want to be seen as coping even though at times it is really hard. I do get him looked after once a month by mum so my hubby and I can go out for dinner, we so need it.
Mel:crying:

[mummybeast]

So it's not just me that had this maddening problem with my parents being totally disinterested in my (beautiful) kids??? Oh, I can totally relate to you on this one, as sad as it is to have to say that.

My father never even saw my last baby until she was over 3 months old, and they only live on the other side of town! It was always too far, a bad time, not convenient for us to visit them, or they were at their other house which is about 2hours drive away. Hell will freeze before they ring me to see how we are going.

And, get this one, I announced my current pregnancy at Christmas lunch, since I knew no-one would have a go at me at such an occaision. And two weeks later, I find out that they've just booked a 6week cruise holiday through the Scandinavian countries, that begins 2 weeks before I'm due with the current baby. The booking was definately made AFTER I told them too! I know that there are timeframes for these cruises, and they have limited time to take holidays etc etc etc, but this one was a bit rich, if you ask me.

Oh, I have to take a really deep breath now, or I will start thinking about all the crappy things they've done to us over the last 10years, and the rudeness they've shown to my sister with her first baby, etc etc etc. I'll just go and yell at the dog for barking too much now, that'll make me feel better ... lol

[reAllytee]

Oh i can totally sympathise !
My outlaws were too busy ( as in taking a trip overseas ) to make it to bubs 1st birthday & christening ..... yep nice hey :mad:
Anyways the main thing that we can at least look at is the jobs we are doing as mothers ! A darn good one if you ask me :D
Try to keep your chin up & know that no matter what you are a stronger person for doing all that you are without the support many have & how your bubba will appreciate you for it :hugs:

[Harry&Max's Mummy]

Me too, My FIL and my DH's StepMother live 5 hrs away have seen our newest bundle once our eldest son doesnt know who they are!! never call only if they do to talk about lawn bowns LOL and nothing else. Her daughter lives overseas and they visit frequently even when they come to sydney to the airport they come 2 days earlier to catch up with friends but not to see their grandkids ( my SIL is the same as us as she has 2 kids as well and we live 10 mins apart so you would think they would kill 2 birds with one stone?) we see them guaruanteed once a year for Xmas ( but when they want to come up) Its very hard to get down to see them as we both mave jobs that have weekend work but they are retired WHAT THE??? (sorry for the outburst but i feel a bit better )

[Cilli]

the main thing that we can at least look at is the jobs we are doing as mothers ! A darn good one if you ask me :D
Try to keep your chin up & know that no matter what you are a stronger person for doing all that you are without the support many have & how your bubba will appreciate you for it :hugs:

Great thoughts Ally - I agree. I'm sorry to hear others have experienced similar. The hardest thing is accepting that things may not change and instead giving yourself some kudos for coping without the love and support you really need when you have kids.

Since posting, a funny thing has happened. I had a big chat to my brother which made me feel a lot better - he is usually not one for emotional chat but surprised me by being very supportive and understanding.

Then my dad rang me to chat, my stepmum rang and offered to come over and babysit, the crunch was when I received a card from them saying what a wonderful wife, mother I was - I thought somethings up!!! I rang my bro and he admitted that he'd spoken to dad and told him I was strugging.

We'll see how it goes - I'm glad things are out in the open and they know how I feel.

It's hard as I think many parents get to a certain age and want to just enjoy life without the responsiblity of their kids (ie go on a cruise etc) but just because we're grown up doesn't mean we don't need them!

Anyway big (((((hugs)))))) to everyone out there facing similar and yes, remember you are doing a fantastic job!!!

[steph_alyssa]

it's making me really angry to hear all your stories how can people not want to know their families?? my bubs father and i aren't together, and his parents are apparently very 'traditional', in other words i'm scum because i got pregnant to their son when we aren't married (how dare i!!). they saw alyssa once when she was about a week old, came to my house and didn't say a word to me, just gave me filthy looks and made me feel uncomfortable in my own house. i haven't seen or heard from them since and alyssa is now 4 months old. one day alyssa is going to ask me why she doesn't ever see them, and what am i supposed to tell her, they don't like her because she's illigitimate?? :banghead:

[2littleprincesses]

My FIL and his wife are like this as well. My dad can't get enough of his granddaughters, but my FIL says he'll come visit on the weekend, he won't show, then we won't hear from him for 2 months (or longer).

But he did say to my DH the last time he came, "it's a shame you didn't have a boy, I was lucky to have two boys", so I wonder if our little girls aren't "good enough" for him. If that's the case I wouldn't want him to bother coming.

[moonblossom]

My parents have never been what I call GRANDPARENTS, they are too rapped up in each other and their lives to stop and look at what their missing out on.

I've never had them babysit, not even in a crisis. They never remember the childrens birthdays...

Last week I reminded them that it was their grandaughters 22nd birthday that week, and their reply was...OH WE DON'T GET PRESENTS FOR THE ADULTS...I just said...OH SO THEY ARE NOT YOUR GRANDCHILDREN WHEN THEY REACH 18...total joke but expect nothing else.

I have learned that if you expect nothing from them, then you cant be disappointed.