Married but feel a bit like a single mum.

[mumma sienna]

Just wondering if anyone has any advice on how to get your husband to help around the house! i feel like i'm doing everything and going slowly insane! all i ask is for him to wash up after dinner, or bath DD, or tidy the loungroom... not asking him to do everything i do, like wake up, feed and dress DD, take to daycare, go to work, work all day, pick up DD, buy groceries, cook dinner, bath DD, Get DD ready for bed, wash/dry and fold clothes, wash up, tudy house, pay all the bills... the list goes on.:sleeping:


PLEASE does anyone have any sugestions, because i don't want to nag but i need him to help me out! I feel like i have 2 children instead of a husband and a daughter.

[Kachow]

Honey sorry I dont have any good advice for you. I one of the lucky ones who has a hubby that helps.

Have you tried talking to him, asking him to help, then when he does praise him for it ( childish like, i know). Giving extra big hugs after he helps might open his eyes to the fact. He might just need a little prompting.

Hope he gets off his butt soon. hasnt he heard of happy wife happy life !

[mumma sienna]

i have tried asking but he hates it cuase he sees it as nagging! i always thank him (alot) for any little bit of help, but he says he doesn't like it when i treat him like a child. i am thinking as a last resort of making up a roster which changes week to week, and if one of us doesn't do what we are meant to, they have to give the other one a massage or something. do you think this would work??:confused:

[Myztik]

My DF was the same until I broke down in tears one night and explained that I NEED help. I have two boys and I cant get them both sorted for bed, do DS1's school reading etc on my own. I can only be in one place at one time. I do understand he is tired after work but it's not that hard to sit on the side of the bath and supervise DS2 while I read with DS1 is it?

He is a lot better now but it took me finally losing it for him to realise how serious I was iykwim.

[Missus S]

Oh gosh I feel for you.............my best friend is going through the exact same thing. She works full time and does EVERYTHING. She's been in tears asking him for help too and even that hasn't worked :no:

I can only suggest maybe sitting down with him having a calm & serious conversation about it. Can you both maybe write a list of all the jobs you each do..........and then maybe he can see how uneven & unfair it is.

Good luck with it :hugs:

[justmum]

OMG you poor poor woman. How incredibly selfish of him. I bet he LOVES his life.

I would stop doing anything for him. Sorry but what are you, a slave? You work and do all the housework and parenting?

Nope I would stop doing anything except for you and your DD, go on strike (including the bedroom) until he started pulling his weight. Not "helping" you but doing his fair share of his responsibilities.

Really, if he hates being treated like a child maybe he should stop acting like one.

[mumma sienna]

Nope I would stop doing anything except for you and your DD, go on strike (including the bedroom) until he started pulling his weight. Not "helping" you but doing his fair share of his responsibilities.

Really, if he hates being treated like a child maybe he should stop acting like one.[/quote]

Thanks so much for your advice guys. i have tried to go on strike, but i can't handle things sitting around for days, washing in sink, clothes to be washed!! maybe i will just have to do it though!
i would love to write a list of the jobs he does compared to my list, but i don't want him to feel that i am rubbing it in his face. He is a great father and husband, but just doesn't seem to get it!!

[HarvestMoon]

I'm in the exact same situation. I have the kids all day. I have to look after them, clean the house, do the shopping etc during the day.

Once i've made their dinner, fed them, bathed them and put them to bed i'm off to work. Once i'm finished i come home, get a few hours sleep and do it all again the next day.

DP gets up in the morning and watches tv or goes on the net while i'm up with our youngest. Then he is off to work for the day. The moment he walks in the door of an afternoon he is on the computer right up until the moment i go to work. He won't even so much as do the dishes while i'm at work. He leaves them for me to do the next day.

I've broken down many times. I just can't do it anymore. I'm so sleep deprived, never get any time to myself and am completely over being treated like a slave. If things haven't change within a few months when our lease is up. I will just leave. DP can take his sexist 50's ideals and shove them far up his ****! As i've said to him many times.. I am a mother of 2, not 3!

[HarvestMoon]

And something else... because of his laziness. I've got a big box. Everytime he leaves anything lying around the house. Clothes, DVD's, Food wrappers, Food scrapes, etc.. I chuck it all into the box. If he is too lazy to sort through his box and put stuff away (which he has been so far) he will end up destroying his stuff and it will end up in the bin.

[justmum]

I am so sorry - I had no idea that there still men out there this bad. Honestly, I am shocked.

[mumma sienna]

Harvest Moon...:hugs: Hugs to you!!! i can totally relate to what you are going through... but i only have 1 child... i can't imagine if i had 2!!

can i ask.. is your partner australian? My husband isn't australian.. and i have asked a few people in the same situation and alot of their partners aren't aussi either.

your box sounds like a good idea... but i might chuck everything out if it's not gone from the box after a week!!!

What does your partner say when you try to ask him for help?

[HunterzMummy]

Yep :yes: i sympathize with you 110% it took a very serious talk, tears then a letter... It resulted in an apology and a roster which is stuck on our fridge and is going pretty well so far :D

Just read your current post..my DH is not Australian either he is Samoan and the majority are notorious for being lazy (no offense intended, even he admits that the males are EXTREAMLY lazy culture)

Good luck hun :hugs:

[HarvestMoon]

Yeh he is Australian. I think his problem is that he grew up in a sexist household. His own mother put herself in her place. She didn't nothing more then clean the house and rear the children. She never worked at all. I think because of that he see it as how it should be.

When i ask for help he rants on about how he is so tired from being a work all day and all he wants to do is sit down. It annoys the **** out of me. I'm tired all the time and i never get to just sit down!

Meh.. stupid men! Who needs them!?..lol

[mumma sienna]

Yep :yes: i sympathize with you 110% it took a very serious talk, tears then a letter... It resulted in an apology and a roster which is stuck on our fridge and is going pretty well so far :D

Just read your current post..my DH is not Australian either he is Samoan and the majority are notorious for being lazy (no offense intended, even he admits that the males are EXTREAMLY lazy culture)

Good luck hun :hugs:


Thanks... its nice to know i'm not the only one having a hard time. i think i will try the roster system.... with a reards system too.... much like you would with a child, but so that if he doesn't do something i get rewarded eg massage, not making dinner etc.:yes:

My husband is african. not sexist or anything but like you said just a bit lazy!! i just find it hard to discuss it with him because he thinks i am trying to have a go at him and nagging!!:ecomcity:

thanks for all this input guys... its just good to know that other mum's deal with hard situations like this.

[3blue&1pink]

I only broke down this morning and had a chat to DP about this... I just said I need your help your going to have to stop thinking about only one person mon-fri and start thinking about us too..

He normally wakes up a 6am, gets ready, has breaky.. the kids wake up.. he turns the tv on for them and leaves for work..

Leaving me to do EVERYTHING!!

He gets home and he is exhausted but sometimes he is grumpy if I ask him to help bath one or dress one..


After our chat this morning he said he would help more even if its just bathing, dressing and feeding the boys breaky in the morning.. that will help me heaps!

I am freaking out a little with 3# due in 3 weeks and struggling to get the eldest to kindy on time now... what is it going to be like with a newborn in the morning rushes?

[HarvestMoon]

Thanks... its nice to know i'm not the only one having a hard time. i think i will try the roster system.... with a reards system too.... much like you would with a child, but so that if he doesn't do something i get rewarded eg massage, not making dinner etc.:yes:

It's funny how we need to treat men like children for them to understand anything..lol

[mumma sienna]

I only broke down this morning and had a chat to DP about this... I just said I need your help your going to have to stop thinking about only one person mon-fri and start thinking about us too..

I am freaking out a little with 3# due in 3 weeks and struggling to get the eldest to kindy on time now... what is it going to be like with a newborn in the morning rushes?

well done for telling him you need help!:yelclap:
I am sure you will be fine once you get used to having the new addition. my mum always says that going from 1-2 was really hard but going from 2-3 was easy! good luck!!!

[mumma sienna]

It's funny how we need to treat men like children for them to understand anything..lol
i know.... men really are just like children... you wonder why we bother sometimes!!!:laughing:

[logiesmummy]

Ladies

i totally agree with you but i have to say at least you have your DP,DH home. My dh is a truck driver and we are lucky for him to spend one night at home and two days. Its tough i am basically a single mum. And when he does come home you need a spatula to get his sorry a*** off the couch and to do something.

When he used to be home every night we had an argument about me doing everything. It resulted in me only doing my and DS washing dishes cooked tea for only us and that sort of thing til he relised that i needed help. It was good for 6 months. Now back to the same of ****.

[zenifa]

Reading this thread has made me feel like I'm quite lucky to have a DH who helps out - with looking after the girls, cooking, cleaning etc. He's not perfect mind you (neither am I) but we try to see all of the jobs as ours (not yours or mine) and that if we work together as a team we can get it all done (quicker and with less arguments/resentments/stress) and have time to relax, rest and even have some fun - as a family and couple!!

I know its going to sound dull, but its about communication. You need to find a time to talk about it when you aren't too tired/angry/emotional so they don't think it sounds like nagging. You need to feel valued in your role and for them to take some responsibility and pull their weight esp when it comes to looking after the house and the kids. You need to explain how you feel and be clear about what your expectations are of them and put some boundary in place. Ie you need to have a roster, reward system or a threatened strike - whatever you think will get them into action.
I know its hard when you are pedantic about things being tidy or clean, but your men need to learn it doesn't happen by magic, someone has to do it and it doesn't always have to be you!
Also they may go out of the home to work, but if you are a SAHM you dont' get annual leave, sick leave, a wage or any perks and you dont' even have clock off time, its a 24-7 job, so when they come home complaining they are tired etc, its no wonder they won't get sympathy from you.
Try to compromise - ie I'll mind the kids or take them to the park so you (ie Dp/DH) have some free time to clean the house?? Then you can praise him and reward him !

Good luck ladies.

[HarvestMoon]

MrsP: I've too done the stint as a single mum and in all honesty i can say it was so easy compared to how things are now. It was just mine and DS's messes to clean up which in reality weren't anything anway.

I actually miss the days as a single mum. I think they were far less stressful. It's only a matter of time before i end up back in that senerio. I am actually looking foward to it though. I never envisaged myself as playing slave to anyone and certainly don't want to be doing it for any longer.

Maybe DP will find someone who wants to take on the 50's housewife role in the future.. good luck to him. So long as it's not me i really don't care!

zenifa: I really don't think it is all about communication. It's never mattered what approach i have taken, it's never got me anywhere.
If i suggested DP take the kids to the park so i could clean he would say no, that he is way too tired from working all day, week or whatever. If i point out that i am tired from working and looking after the kids all week i just get a speech about how i don't work as hard as him and i've got no idea...blah, blah..

I think some guys are just complete pricks! They need to catch up with the times and relize it's not a womens/mothers sole responsibilty to keep the house in order!

[Seekrit]

Every now and then my household goes through this... and I sometimes will just sit down and talk to him about it, sometimes I get yelly and shout about it, sometimes I get passive aggressive and tell him that "someone on bub hub was saying that their husband..." and guage his reaction, and give my opinion.... this is worked successfully in being able to go out whenever, wherever without Cobes because he agreed that dads aren't baby-sitters and I shouldn't have to ask to go out ever :p :devil6:

Other than that, I don't have a whole lot of advice... going on strike never worked for me.

[EskimoMumma]

My DF was the same until I broke down in tears one night and explained that I NEED help. I have two boys and I cant get them both sorted for bed, do DS1's school reading etc on my own. I can only be in one place at one time. I do understand he is tired after work but it's not that hard to sit on the side of the bath and supervise DS2 while I read with DS1 is it?

He is a lot better now but it took me finally losing it for him to realise how serious I was iykwim.


Sadly I have to agree that , that is what it took for my DF to realise as well.

Bloody men :hair:

[Briswegian]

my DH improved after me losing it every three months for two years. NOw because he's got work stress, I'm copping not only most of the work, but the grumpy attitude aswell.
So I come on bubhub and realise that men are no where near as good as women and get a giggle at writing DH and knowing that in my mind it means something else iykwim.

[~Kimba~]

I think the hardest part of having DH here all the time is watching him NOT see what has to be done on a daily basis, or ignoring it, or whatever he does....

The hardest part of being married is having them come home every day & wanting to be treated like a king - its worse I think when two could share the workload, but only one does it.

Nothing more infuriating than working your butt off from 6am to 11pm cooking, cleaning, tidying up, etc whilst Mr Man of the House sits on his bum with not even an offer of help.

I could have written that myself!

:hugs: to all of you in this situation, I can really empathise with how infuriating it is. I work full time hours over 4 days, in fact I actually work more hours than DH does, but I also do almost all the housework and the caring for our son. If anything gets done by DH it's only if I ask him to do it and then he makes out that I'm a nag :banghead:

I know being a single mum is really hard, but being a married mum with a husband who COULD help but doesn't is equally difficult - and incredibly stressful and frustrating! The resentment is building up and taking its toll on our marriage.

I've tried talking to DH (constantly!), breaking down, threatening, pleading, negotiating, going on strike, you name it - nothing has any lasting impact. DH obviously thinks that he does 'enough'. The really frustrating thing is that he's not even the main breadwinner (I earn double what he does) and he has no interest in trying to get a better job or 'improve' his job prospects to earn more money, so it's not like he's even financially pulling his weight to earn him (in his mind) the right to 'relax' at home. He refused to do overtime or get a temporary second job to support us through my maternity leave, so I had to go back to work early.

And when I bring up TTC #2 he has the hide to say to me 'can YOU handle having another baby? you're tired and cranky enough now' ARGHHHH I could handle it if you'd get off your butt and help a bit more!

[blackdog]

my DH improved after me losing it every three months for two years. NOw because he's got work stress, I'm copping not only most of the work, but the grumpy attitude aswell.
So I come on bubhub and realise that men are no where near as good as women and get a giggle at writing DH and knowing that in my mind it means something else iykwim.

:laughing::laughing::laughing:

Many years ago I met a lovely young woman who introduced herself as a "Married single mother". It perplexed me at the time, but I sure know what she was talking about now!

I've stopped 'losing it' because it just makes things worse. DH stomps around the house for days pouting like a toddler if I dare complain about anything.

Sometimes it bugs me to tears, and sometimes I just let it wash over me. The thing is, the only person you really have any control over is yourself.

I've tried the going on strike, but nobody cares...it's like that episode of the Simpsons where Homer is wearing a paper bag and Bart eats peanut paste off a playing card for his lunch.:laughing::laughing::laughing: